-Guys, tomorrow is President Trump's big meeting
with Kanye West at the White House,
which means right now, a bunch of Russians
are arguing over who gets to eavesdrop.
[ Russian accent ] No, it is my turn.
No, it's my turn to eave--
[ Normal ] Trump and Kanye are getting together
at the White House.
It'll be like when two toddlers interact.
It looks like they're having a conversation,
but they're not actually making any sense.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Imitates baby babbling ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Here's another big story.
Since his U.N. ambassador resigned yesterday,
Trump says he's narrowed down his list of replacements
to five people. He was like,
[ Imitating Trump ] "It'll either be Kim, Kourtney,
Khloe, Kendall, or Kylie.
Not saying who." [ Laughter and applause ]
[ Normal ] Actually, Dennis Rodman went on Twitter
and said that he should be the new U.N. ambassador.
In response, Trump said, "That's ridiculous.
You'd make a much better Vice President."
[ Laughter and applause ]
But after Trump's U.N. ambassador Nikki Haley resigned,
CNN aired a graphic of all the officials
who have left his administration.
Take a look at this. Yeah. [ Audience ohs ]
It looks like the yearbook for the whitest high school ever.
[ Laughter and applause ]
But Trump's been busy this morning.
He published a "USA Today" op-ed about healthcare.
A lot of people are saying it had several factual errors.
Turns out a pharmacist isn't someone who works on a farm.
[ Laughter ]
And shingles isn't a tube of potato chips.
That's not -- He got that wrong. [ Laughter ]
And last night, I saw Trump spoke at a big rally in Iowa,
and he said that he's kept his promises
to states like Iowa and Nebraska,
but I'm not sure he knows that they're states.
Listen to this.
-Today, I kept another major promise,
as I said,
to the people of Iowa and Nebraska and other countries.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Imitates Trump ] Ohio is a beautiful country, too.
I love the language.
I hope to learn it someday.
[ Normal ] Some business news. I read that Sears
is about to file for bankruptcy.
Employees knew that there was a chance this could happen
when every Sears closed five years ago.
[ Laughter ]
Get this -- I heard by 2021,
the planet could have more personal assistant devices
than people.
Even worse, I heard it from my Alexa
in a very threatening tone.
[ Laughter ]
Scared me.
[ Applause ]
Some more tech news. I heard that Google recently
had a security breech that exposed
hundreds of thousands of users' data.
In fact, a lot of the data they released
was from people in our audience tonight.
And I'll show you what I'm talking about.
Sorry to call you out, but it came out that
this person Googled, "Is it safe to eat Keurig pods?"
I mean, why would you -- No, it's not safe.
You shouldn't eat that.
Let's find who's next.
This person Googled, "Venom nudes."
What does even that mean? I don't even know what that means!
Why would you -- Why would you even --
Why you would Google that?
And finally, it came out that this person Googled,
"Excuses to get out of dinner
with the person I'm seeing 'The Tonight Show' with."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Why would you Goog-- That's terrible.
Change your password!
Change your password, people.
[ Applause ]
Guys, check this out. A local news station in Minnesota
was talking about a soccer game that ended in a tie.
And it turned into a pretty awkward conversation.
Watch this.
-So, hopefully they don't tie again
because no one likes ties.
-Gotta win. -Yeah.
-Always, want to win. I mean, I like bow ties, but...
-That's a good one.
You look like a birthday present in all this.
-Thank you so -- oh, do you want to open me?
Find out what's in? [ Audience ohs ]
-It's cold, and I don't know.
-I think it's just best we go. We'll be right back.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-What?!
-Oh. -Oh, no!
The woman in the middle is like,
"Coming up, I apply for a new job at a different station."
[ Laughter ]
"Do you want to -- Do you want to open me?"
"Well, it's getting cold."
[ Laughter ]
Oh, my God. That's fantastic.
This is crazy.
This week, Liam Neeson described
an emotional connection he has with a horse
that he said the horse recognizes him
from movie to movie. Did you hear about this?
People are calling the whole thing a "horsemance".
Like a romance?
Anyways, Hollywood's already jumping on this trend.
They've even started releasing posters
for some horsemantic movies. Check these out.
First there's "The Oat Book."
That looks romantic. [ Laughter ]
Next, there's "Call Me By Your Neigh."
[ Laughter and applause ]
And finally, there's "50 Bales of Hay."
Ooh, I like this one. -Nice one!
Wanna open it. -And finally,
I saw that the Philadelphia Eagles
have had a rough start to their season,
and a local sportscaster said they'd do better
if the players stopped having sex.
Most players were like, "No way,"
while the punter was like, "No problem."
We have a great show tonight! Give it up for The Roots!
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