I've gotta hand it to you, Tristan,
some of these new contestants you found are actually hot.
I'm impressed you were able to pull it together so last minute.
It is Mr. Bear America. The show must go on.
I'm so glad you let Hunter stay in the competition.
It was his choice, against our better judgement.
You know, I've gotta say, I love it that one of the contestants
is developmentally disabled.
I think it's good for the community.
But do you think he's gonna be able to learn the choreography?
Who, Wood? He can learn anything.
I once taught him how to fetch, using a big, rubber dildo.
♪Where the bears are We wanna be♪
SEASON 7: EPISODE 10 BEARS STRIKE A POSE
- My crotch is on fire. - It's really bad.
It's scratchy down under.
It's really bad.
It's scratchy down under.
Itching powder, someone put itching powder in all of our suits.
Everybody in the pool!
Pow! And Bam!
Bam! And Pow...
You're actually taking this whole pageant host thing seriously.
Uh-huh, yeah, well, so are you.
Because I noticed that you did some tanning
and some push-ups before that photo shoot.
Oh, and speaking of the photo shoot, what the hell was that?
Itching powder? (scoffs)
Telling you, I think it was that choreographer guy.
There's something suspicious about him. You oughta keep an eye on him.
Well, I'll do my best, Todd,
but don't you think that you and the detectives
should focus on the crime-fighting stuff?
(chuckles) My plate is full.
Oh God. As official host
of Mr. Bear America Pageant,
I have to learn all of my lines and the musical numbers by tomorrow night.
Yeah, so do I.
Yeah, and on top of that, I just got the latest copy
of the rewrite of my TV pilot.
The writers didn't do any of the changes that I asked for.
Well, then don't do it.
No, Nelson, I'm serious.
What if you just walk away?
What if we both just walk away?
I'm tired of the agency.
I can't go back there.
Not after what happened to Dooley. I'm done.
Okay, but how are we supposed to live?
Well, I've been thinking about that too.
And this morning, I had a phone call with a friend of mine from London.
Hear me out, hear me out.
I haven't told you this, but for a while now,
there's been sort of this open invitation to come and work security
for the Royal Family.
I know, I know, I wasn't even considering taking the job before.
But now... Why not?
It could be a fresh start for me, for both of us.
And my friend said the offer still stands.
All I have to do is accept it.
What about me and my television career?
Nelson, you said it yourself, you're not happy.
Yeah, but, I mean, I didn't say I wanna throw it all away.
Well, just give it some thought.
All right? Okay, I've gotta go get ready
'cause we have rehearsals soon. (groans)
Fuck this pageant.
Okay, let's try it again. How about this time we don't fuck it up?
Five, six, seven, eight!
Two, two, three, four,
five, six, and we sing!
♪Mr. Bear America♪
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Hold your line! It's not the fucking Ice Capades!
My 80-year-old obese father who lost a foot
to diabetes can dance better than this!
I swear to god, you fat, hairy fucks, this competition is tomorrow night!
I understand that this is a bear competition,
but would it kill you to eat a salad once in a while?
And you, you!
I understand that this is a bear pageant,
but that doesn't mean you don't need to shave your back, homo erectus.
I don't have a hard-on.
I'm a shower and a grower. (chuckles)
All right, listen up, fags...
Wait a minute, aren't you a fag too?
Yes, and that's why I can say it.
So tomorrow night's the big show, the big pageant,
Mr. Gay Bear America.
And you're gonna be out there on your own,
like a bunch of used condoms.
I'm not gonna be able to save you at all.
Used condoms? What's with the insults, man?
You know, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
You know you catch more flies with shit than honey, scat queen.
So listen up.
You wanna be Mr. Gay Bear America, huh?
You got big dreams? You want fame?
Well, fame costs, and here's where you start paying, in sweat!
Is he doing Debbie Allen from "Fame"?
Yes, I'm doing Debbie Allen from "Fame". And you know why?
I danced for Miss Allen,
fourth fairy from the left in the "Hot Chocolate Nut Cracker".
- He's not black. - You're not black!
Let's do it again from the top, you man fucking--
Nelson, come meet our celebrity judges.
How exciting! Did you get Lucie Arnaz? I know she lives out here.
Or Suzanne Somers? Please tell me it's Suzanne Somers.
No, she's for Trump.
- (groans) Okay. - Besides, they're just as exciting.
Your old nemesis, Cyril Bowers.
- Hello Nelson. - What?
And your former "Pickax 5" co-star Ralph Dodson.
I look forward to working with you. Look, there's no bars between us.
Celebrity judge? Give me a break.
Hey, Nelson, we get to share the stage together. Isn't that exciting?
I can think of another word for it.
Sorry I wasn't much help at your trial,
but I really did think you killed your co-star on "MRU"
on account that he was so much more talented than you.
(scoffs) Out of my way! Move!
Yeah, I'm helping Tristan with his stupid Bear Pageant.
Call me crazy, but I like smooth ass,
you know what I mean? (chuckles)
Oh, gotta go.
A new fatty just arrived.
Who's this? You're supposed to sign in guests.
Wyatt, I'd like you to meet--
Pappy Fredricks, professional pageant coach.
I had no idea that coaches even existed in the bear world.
Well, I got my start in the children's beauty pageant circuit.
But, you know, that whole industry hasn't recovered since the JonBenét thing.
So I transitioned into sexually exploiting big, hairy gay men.
You know, rather than nine year old girls. I sleep much better now.
So who is your client?
Oh, Christ, no!
I'm not miracle worker. I have to have something to start with.
No, it's him.
- You've got talent. - Thank you.
He's originally from Australia.
I call him Cockadile Yummy.
And to let you know, he is willing to go down under for just about anybody.
♪Where the bears are We wanna be♪
♪Where the bears are Where the bears are♪