hello welcome i'm Susan F Moody your guest host for today's episode of tips
for the transition i have the privilege today to interview your regular host
María Tomás-Keegan creator of transition and thrive with María. María has been
interviewing each of the co-authors of the new book for resilience to
brilliance and since she is one of the authors herself we thought this might be
a fun way to get María's story out to all of you I am also one of the authors
and the gather of the other officers for this inspirational book specifically for
women entrepreneurs the title of María's chapter is learning to swim in the oven
Flo brief we all experience it over our lifetime but how we individually
experience loss and grief can be very different and in a very personal way
María will share with us today her journey through the grief process
starting at the age of 13 right up to a few months ago hi María thank you for
the opportunity to be your guest hoast hello Susan
how does it feel to have the tables turn it feels a little strange I must say I
can only imagine let me imagine well let's start our interview with you today
by having you tell us a little bit about your story okay well um the story this
part of my story the the grief part of my story has been a long journey as you
said it started when I was about 13 and I was partially raised by my great aunt
she lived in our household of six people and my chipmunk two parents and my three
brothers and I and she joined us to help raise the kids because mum was a nurse
and worked nights and my father worked days and they needed help so she came
from the Philippines to join her in me and she was just a a really important
part of my life and as we all got older she got older do
unfortunately and instead of her taking care of us we started to take care of
her and I lost her when I was 13 and it was a significant moment in my life that
I won't ever forget all that she did for us and it was such a big loss and I just
didn't know how to deal with it I
withdrew a lot and wouldn't speak about her would not go near her room and I
realized that I was getting and my parents realized that I was getting into
a really deep funk over it so my mom was the one who helped me to talk about it
and talk it out and I soon was able to surround myself with things that Tia
Hilda had made for had given me and started to think about them differently
and think about her memory differently that I still decided to or asked my
parents if I could move into her small room and make it my bedroom oh and then
Liam and then I I learned yes I learned that I could feel the loss and breathe
and still be able to move forward I think when you're talking about because
you lost her at such a young age that that probably deeply affected you some
of us don't lose somebody close to us a little bit later yeah it was him it was
a huge loss for me and I had no idea at that age what to do
yeah so my mom helped me a lot with that I'm talking it through so then the next
time it happened for me it was it was not quite so unexpected what I started
to feel fast-forward a little a number of years and I lost my mom who was me
she was my rock she was my confidante she was my best
friend we had an envy of a relationship a lot
of mothers and daughters don't get to experience that and it was very special
to me and when I lost her it was the first time I was reminded about a hole
in my heart which I first felt that's how I describe it now I didn't describe
it that way when I was 13 but I was reminded about how that felt and I have
never cried so much in my life as for that loss it was the first time also as
an adult I was in my 40s so I had losses between but none so significant as this
it was the first time I really recognized the ebb and flow of brief
that it it can come it can come just set it set me in a tailspin sometimes it Oh
totally overwhelmed me and then it would it would M and I would feel some room
and each time each time the wave came it over time it felt like it why
maybe not as big and when it was maybe not he stayed away a little longer and
that's what that that Evan flower brief feels like to me he's like a wave mm-hmm
so what I did when I lost my mom I I needed to it's something I learned when
I lost you Hilda I surrounded myself with things that she had made I
surrounded when my mom passed I surrounded myself with pictures of her
and I would I would listen for her voice I would listen to what how she would
what she would say to me at this time and she and I made lots of things
together and hard and we sent each other gifts and I said I just surrounded
myself with that stuff in fact among it a lot in the beginning and then as time
passed a little less often and now I'm sitting in my home office and I have a a
pencil sketch of her that my father drew that's sitting right there looking over
me every day so it is is the it's the way I continue to deal with the loss of
my mom and it is nearly 20 years now and I planted a tree in her memory
oh that's very cool I think that's cool like you're saying that you have to do
what you feel comfortable with and I love how you say about the ebb and flow
because having just lost my mom myself last year you just never know when it's
gonna catch you that's right that's great it's so true Susan it is still to
this day there are times when something will happen I will hear a song I'll
watch a movie is particularly movies can do it to me about relationships with
mothers and daughters and that
you know never really get out mm-hmm yeah what's that 20 years yeah and then
most recently I thought I was prepared for anything after losing my mom and
then a few years later I lost my dad another significant loss but late last
year and early this year within all three or four months of each other I
lost two of my older brothers one totally unexpectedly the first one and
the second within months of that back to has struggled with all summers and I
just never expected I haven't thought about losing a brother never in my in my
mind even begun I had begun to think about that possibility
so it really don't the winds totally out of my sails
and you know it's I I'm I realized that there's a big part of my my essence that
was tied to having three older brothers you know I was luteolin hurled the
youngest I was so proud of having three older brothers and then two natura them
are gone so it it is a different kind of long some very different kind of loss
and I am still struggling this one I've not I have not recovered from this I
don't know exactly what the what the what the remedy except terrible word to
use in this case but will be for me I have things that they each have given me
that I I wear or I touch my oldest brother who died from Alzheimer's was a
wood craftsman has made me all kinds of bowls and boxes and and those are those
are with me I touch them every day my middle brother gave me something that is
to me and I wear it a lot so I act well and my remaining brother and I just have
stayed very close in a very different way and I I always say to him take care
of yourself because I can't put this year - no well thank you for sharing
that personal reflection I know I have three brothers as well like I can't
imagine no so and you also spoke about in this particular segment about how you
stay in touch personally with items to get through your grief and in our next
segment I'd like to talk more about the emotional journey of grief if you will
so I'd like era - please stay tuned I'm Susan F Moody and I'm going to see
you next time on tips the transition with María Tomás-Keegan Thank You
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