Let's get to some news here.
Guys, on Saturday night, Brett Kavanaugh was sworn in
as Supreme Court Justice.
He said it was a night he'll never forget
because he wrote it on the weird calendar
he'll keep for 30 years.
"I'll show you what I did. 1989."
Actually, while Kavanaugh was being sworn in,
there were lots of angry protesters gathered outside.
It got even worse when Kavanaugh stepped onto the balcony
and threw beads at the crowd.
You go, "Oh, don't, don't!"
Right after the confirmation vote,
many Republicans began applauding.
Kavanaugh would have clapped for himself,
but he had already duct-taped two 40-ounce beers to each hand.
"Edward 40 Hands!"
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Howling ]
I saw that President Trump watched the Senate's final vote
on Kavanaugh from Air Force One.
Can we see that picture? Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
With all his experience,
Trump still doesn't know how to watch TV the right way.
"Turn arou--"
[ Cheers and applause ]
Actually, after Kavanaugh's confirmation,
Trump called into Fox News to brag about it.
In fact, he called a lot of shows. Check this out.
-This is a really big win for me. A huge win.
I mean, absolutely h-u-u-u-u-u-u-u...
[ Inhales deeply ]
-u-u-u-u-u-u-uge.
-Okay.
[ Laughter ]
-"All right!"
[ Applause ]
And listen to this -- a man in Kentucky who is also
named Brett Kavanaugh went viral this weekend
for tweeting, "This is a terrible time
to be named Brett Kavanaugh."
Then a guy named Bill Cosby Weinstein was like,
"It could be worse.
Could be worse."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Did you guys see this?
Trump was boarding Air Force One the other day,
and people were saying it looked like he had toilet paper
stuck to his shoe.
Check this out.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughs ] Oh, my God. Yo.
Republican or Democrat, we can all agree, that's hilarious.
I mean, come on. That's the President of the United St--
Actually, that's the least-embarrassing thing
that happened to him this weekend.
I mean, not bad.
Get this -- a British grocery store has started selling
Christmas tree flavored potato chips.
[ Baby crying ]
And -- Do you guys hear that? It's the news.
It's just been so worked up lately, it must still be awake.
If it's cool with you guys, I'd just like to take a moment
to put the news to bed.
It's time for "Goodnight News." Here we go.
-♪ Goodnight news, goodnight ♪
-[ Softly ] Let's see if we can put this news to bed.
♪♪
Good night, toilet paper on Donald Trump's shoe.
Now Air Force One is Air Force Number Two.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Good night, Brett Kavanaugh. Your confirmation is clear.
You thanked the whole Senate then shotgunned a beer.
[ Laughter ]
Good night, Facebook hacking millions of members.
It won't happen again, at least not till November.
Good night, Citi Field, where fans saw BTS.
They're a group with some hits, unlike the Mets.
[ Audience groans ]
Questlove wrote that joke.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughing ]
Good night, "Forbes" list of America's richest...
or, as Jeff Bezos put it, "It's me again, biatches."
[ Cheers and applause ]
-♪ Goodnight news, goodnight ♪
-Hey, guys, check this out.
At a rally this weekend, President Trump talked
about answering calls on Air Force One,
but he had a little trouble with the word "phone."
Watch this.
-I had that phone working.
I had that pherne working on that plane.
I had that signature going on the plane.
-He said, "Ermahgerd.
The pherne was working on the plerne.
Ermahgerd."
[ Applause ]
And finally, here's a local story.
I read about a 107-year-old barber here in New York
who is still cutting hair.
If you want to set up an appointment --
If you want to set up an appointment, you better hurry.
We have a great show tonight. Give it up for The Roots!
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