Hi there, my name is Athol and in this episode I'm going to talk about the shock, the horror,
the outrage, the social media drama when a good guy or supposedly good guy gets revealed
as doing something sexually inappropriate.
And I'm talking about in particular the whole blowing up in social media in the last 24
hours of the Shaytards cheating thing.
So let me just catch you up briefly if you haven't been exposed to this.
The Shaytards YouTube channel has somewhere around five million subscribers.
They've been a daily vlogger doing daily vlogs for many, many years, at least four or five.
And he's the husband of the family has been caught up in a cheating scandal with some
online cam girl and she's basically outed him about it so of course it hits social media
and here we go.
So far all we've seen is a bunch, in terms of how far the affair thing went, is a bunch
of dirty talk, texting backwards and forwards.
She supposedly has some compromising videos of him masturbating but of course she's not
going to get to show those unless she wants to face criminal actions, because that would
be revenge porn.
It's also unclear if there's some degree of blackmail involved as just before it all really
hit the fan he revealed on Twitter that he's had problems with drinking, has always been
a little bit of an alcoholic and has gone the last three months really struggled with
drinking and he's now going into some sort of rehab.
So of course sexual drama, alcoholic, family values, everything just freaking explodes.
And everyone and their dog is just commenting on how awful he is, how crap the situation
is, and really just looking at that last week of things are going on and now looking back
at the whole relationship, his whole YouTube channel and just saying he's basically completely
fake and full of crap.
Alrighty.
So before we get in too much deeper I want to talk about one really key concept, and
that is the difference between making excuses for an affair and providing explanations for
an affair.
With the excuses thing, at some point in the affair process or when anyone does anything
they know is morally wrong, there is some sort of critical point where they know on
a rational, logical, conscious level that if they take this next step and do this next
thing, that they are crossing a moral line.
That if only for themselves, this is something that I shouldn't be doing.
It is wrong, it is harmful, it will potentially hurt someone.
And they can have some sort of justifications for themselves for why it's okay to do that,
but deep down they know they're doing a wrong action.
And for that wrong action there is no excuse for it.
They really did something wrong, they did something immoral, whatever it was.
And the only thing that they can really do for something that has no excuse is apologize
for it, attempt to rectify the situation, and then go forward in a way where they're
not doing that same action again.
There's no particular assurance that the relationship will remain intact but that's all you can
really do for dealing with the part of the question that, the part of the affair situation
that is the moral one in terms of what I did was wrong.
All you can really do is say what I did was wrong and admit to it.
All that being said, affairs do not typically just fall out of the sky and there are very
often pretty good explanations as to how the situation developed where that person ended
up in that situation where they made that moral decision for which they had no excuse.
And in order to really heal from affairs and rebuild things, you have to know what the
explanations were as well otherwise you can apologize, you can say there was no excuse,
you can try and fix things but then six months later this thing will tend to reassert itself
because all the explanations underlying it are still there.
So the sort of play by play analysis after the fact of why did it all happen is actually
fairly important and can actually be genuinely helpful.
That is one of the primary things.
And I'm not going to go too much deeper in the difference between excuses and explanations.
Pretty much the rest of this video I'm going to be talking about some of the explanations.
And as I said earlier on, most people just look at that last little bit.
That final little thing that they can see of him being outed on Twitter and all that
sort of stuff and he's a monster.
So you can have this thing where you can be wonderful for years in the timeline.
You can start losing the plot for a few months and then you can be terrible for a few weeks
and you have to understand that entire process in order to be able to change things back
to a good place.
It's not just oh, look at that last few weeks.
They're a horrible, horrible wife-hating shitty, shitty man that can never be improved upon
or have this situation rectified or whatever it is.
He's just a horrible monster and her only solution is to flush him down the toilet and
be rid of him.
It's a little deeper than that.
Okay, so they run a YouTube empire, they do the daily blogging every day.
Daily vlogging every single day is a pretty extreme behavior.
I mean it is very intense, it is very in terms of just a sheer volume of content you have
to pump out.
You have to both have things happening every day and then you have to shoot it and then
you have to edit it and then you have to think of more things the next day.
And you pretty much have to put on a little bit of a happy face more often than not in
order to keep this whole thing going and basically get views.
Most people are not willing to tolerate watching somebody else's family if you are having boring
days repeatedly or you're just dealing with something that's depressive repeatedly.
You can probably have one or two down days in every month, but beyond that people will
literally stop watching.
They will click away.
They will watch something else.
Because they want to be entertained and they want to feel good, and seeing somebody else's
shitty life, even if it's only for a few days, doesn't work.
There's been a lot of talk on YouTube about not faking happiness, but the trouble is from
a lot of people if you don't fake happiness to some degree, people don't watch.
And then you're unhappy because no one's watching.
Daily vlogging is an extreme behavior which means there is an extreme motivation behind
it.
Now let's be honest, nearly all big YouTubers have some inner drive to try and be famous,
to be recognized, to be seen, to be valued, to be loved, to be wanted.
And pretty much all the big YouTubers to at least some degree have some form of addictive
personality.
And for the most part YouTube is pretty healthy.
It's not like they are doing drugs or they're gambling or whatever it is.
They are motivated and driven to provide content that makes people happy and that's good.
In terms of an addictive thing to be on, YouTube is not that bad.
It's mostly pretty healthy.
But pretty much everyone that is big is to some degree driven to be famous and be loved
and wanted.
And being a big YouTube channel in some ways is meant to fill gaps in your life, to at
least some degree.
The problem with daily vlogging is that it is so intense, it is so all-consuming and
you expend so much energy into it and now your family which is meant to be something
that is providing you security and support and also a little energy back, can become
an energy drain of sorts as everyone is tired from doing the vlog.
So it's not so much a sense that you have to fake happiness but daily vlogging after
a certain point is going to make everyone so tired, it becomes harder and harder to
actually feel genuinely happy and genuinely excited and genuinely joyful.
And that blurring of the lines between the family and the vlog, "Why are we doing this
thing?
Why are we going to this theme park?
Why are we doing this extra stunt?
I mean why do we have to do the heat up a knife to a thousand degrees and cut some crap
up?
Why do we have to throw a whole bunch of Orbeez in the swimming pool?
Why do we have to try and jump the lawn mower?
Why are we doing all these things?"
It can all be terribly draining after a certain point and it can be this constant endless
grind to find new content, new ideas, new things and more videos every day.
So it becomes very hard, and after a certain point everything slowly becomes a lot less
fun.
Everything slowly turns to a little bit of ash in their mouth after a while and meanwhile
you can have a huge audience that are basically constantly poking and priming and begging
to see more content, more things, more this, more that.
Now, now, now.
Me, me, me.
Mine, mine, mine.
So you have this perfect storm of people that are a little bit neurotic and a little bit
addictive in their personalities who are expending enormous energy, who are not necessarily getting
a lot of that energy rebuilt.
Plus they have this huge audience demanding more.
And it's a sort of a dangerous cocktail where people can do the daily vlog stuff for a long,
long time but then they reach a crash point.
Okay so let's talk a little bit about the drinking.
And again this is all just taking it at face value that he's had some trouble with alcohol
in the last three months.
Alcohol is a really, really common form of self-medication.
If you are stressed, if you are anxious, if you're neurotic, if you're exhausted, for
a lot of people alcohol takes the edge off.
And it sort of numbs you to that sense of exhaustion.
It numbs you to the sense of why am I doing this.
You can have a few drinks and your brain switches off and everything is okay.
It is a vaguely meditative state.
It is a break from the grind.
Of course the trouble with alcohol is it works really well at first.
And then it works less well.
And then it doesn't really work.
And then it becomes an extra layer of problem in and of itself that is just draining you
more, drying you out, and now you're waking up sleep deprived and hung over and you have
to do all the normal stuff as well.
But that's a really, really common place that people with addictive personalities will go
to when they're starting to lose the plot.
Okay and because nothing much is fun any more but they're still vaguely addictive personalities,
you still have this craving for high stimulation.
You still have this craving for fun.
You have this craving for a dopamine hit.
And if you have a vaguely addictive personality who is exhausted, who is bored, they're absolutely
going to be drawn to some sort of escapist super high stimulation activity.
So in this context, it shouldn't be surprising at all that an affair situation develops because
that is actually incredibly predictable.
I mean it just writes itself like a script, that if you put someone in this situation
they're going to be primed to fall into some sort of affair situation.
It's really predictable.
And it's not necessarily an affair, it's basically any kind of super high stimulation dopamine-based
activity.
It could easily be they're suddenly into computer gaming like crazy.
They're suddenly into gambling.
They're suddenly doing a crap ton of online shopping.
They're doing some form of recreational drugs.
Now they're doing edgy and dangerous risk-taking behaviors.
Suddenly they need to do parachuting or extreme sports or whatever it is.
So it's not necessarily affairs, it's just basically any kind of high stimulation acting
out activity.
And what's really tragic about the Shaytards situation is I think there's an element where
they could sort of see this and know it was coming and they had started to take action
on it but instead of taking quicker action on it they decided on a long term plan, and
I think that's really tripped them up.
They had a video that they put out on September 28th last year.
And for those watching I'm filming this on February 14th, Valentines Day.
And they talked about in that September 28th video that they were getting burnt out.
They were getting tired of it all and they came to a decision to actually end the daily
vlogs but they wanted to do it as sort of one last hurrah where they really cranked
them out every single day and come to a stopping point on March 5th which would be his 37th
birthday.
So they have this admission and this awareness that they're doing something that is starting
to become a little self-destructive for them as people.
And unfortunately whenever you have a really stressful situation, you have a stressful
job, you have an awful thing that you're dealing with, running out the clock in a long endgame
becomes a whole new layer of problem as well, as opposed to, "You know what?
I'm sick of this.
I've got to be done.
And the end date is this week and we're going to wrap it up."
As an example of that, Casey Neistat, that is pretty much how he ended his daily vlogging.
I think he gave, well I knew he was going to end when he went on his vacation trip and
there was like a three or four day gap.
And then it was like two or three weeks after that he said I'm ending the vlog and literally
that episode ended the vlog.
But when he had his little gap I'm like, hah, he's tired.
He's actually feeling a little better for the break, and I pretty much looked at my
watch and said, "Ah, he's going to end it at some point."
Because I've seen this pattern before.
I knew it was coming.
But he just announced it and ended it and there was drama of course.
We'll get to the drama.
But a shorter ending is a lot better than a long drawn out one.
And in that context of that long drawn out ending, if they decided that on September
28th, and they'd been thinking about it for months, the drinking started shortly after
that.
So there's this hope.
There's almost a fantasy trying to convince themselves they can do daily vlogs all the
way until March, but the reality is they're already beat.
They've already checked out.
They're already tired.
They're already exhausted.
They can't keep the wheels turning on the bus any more.
And there's that crash point.
And that's when the drinking starts.
It's just this huge letdown as all the facades start falling.
And of course when you end things like this, when you end things where you have a huge
audience, the audience is always outraged.
And this is not a Shaytard thing, it's not a Casey Neistat thing, it is literally every
single YouTube channel or big blog or whatever it is where you've given away free content
for years.
When you decide to end it or you decide to charge for it, it's like the whole internet
goes berserk.
And you'll have a decent percentage of your audience who will be outraged and livid and
they will let you know.
And I think knowing that there's going to be a backlash for stopping your social media
stuff is part of the reason why people continue it longer than they should.
Actual solutions, and I know these are two people that I don't know.
I've watched their videos a little bit so I know them a little.
But actual solutions.
With any affair situation you've got to do the full apology.
You've got to own it.
You've got to open up the communication devices.
Absolutely no contact with the other woman.
You have to be completely honest and open about all the things that went down to each
other, like what actually happened.
What is the truth of the situation so both of you have a good idea of what the truth
is.
Obviously get into some sort of counseling, some sort of treatment.
At this point seeing a marriage counselor is probably helpful.
Certainly if you are having drug issues or alcohol issues, getting into some kind of
treatment for that is fine.
In part I kind of suspect that's going to be handled just by simply stopping the vlogging
and now all of this is out in the open.
The one thing you two absolutely have to do though, is you have to circle the wagons.
I would not reply to any kind of social media trolling.
You're going to have a huge amount of people that will just want to frame him as the worst
person in the world and her as the innocent victim that has had all these horrible things
happen to her.
There is going to be an army of people that will want you guys to split up, and there's
going to be an army of people that are just going to want her to leave him and just screw
him over as good as possible in a divorce outcome.
And I think you really just have to shut all that out.
I'm not saying you need to delete your social media accounts or anything like that, because
let's be honest for you guys those are actual assets.
And deleting that stuff is going to be something you'd have to think long, long and hard about.
But certainly you can take a moratorium from them and go back to the September 28th idea
of taking a freaking year off the internet.
That is not a bad idea at this point.
Because there is this issue where for better or worse your family has become a commodity.
It's become something that you're selling and it's something that people feel entitled
to.
And that's why the audience feels betrayed.
And again it comes back to that snapshot thing of let me look at the last week and decide
what your value as a person is, what your value as a YouTube channel is, what your contributions
are.
And I look at if people just look at that last snapshot, yeah you're a horrible monster
and she's just a weak religious wife that let him get away with it and you guys all
suck.
But the reality is different.
The reality is, to an awful lot of people there were years and years and years of them
feeling inspired, uplifted, happier.
There's been, I'm sure there's been a million plus people who have made positive changes
in their life for having watched this content.
And that is a good thing.
And just because the last couple of months were bad does not invalidate years of work,
and years of good work.
And it's the same thing too as your marriage as a whole.
Absolutely this is a sucky, sucky time.
I cannot imagine how bad you guys are feeling and struggling right now.
It's bad enough for any couple to have this sort of affair situation, I mean it's devastating
for most people, but to have it all happen in public, in real time, online with millions
of people watching and people sitting there with popcorn picking sides just wanting to
see it all play out, that's exhausting and draining and you really do have to just shut
it all out.
So it's not that your YouTube channel was all fake.
It's not that your marriage was all fake.
It was good for a long time, it's just the way you had arranged it, it just wasn't sustainable.
And I think many, many couples in the same situation as you've placed yourself in would
have failed and fallen apart and just imploded as well.
So I don't think you need to take some special meaning or insight from this, or whatever
it is, like why did this good thing happen to good people.
Anyone in the same situation is going to struggle.
It's an incredibly demanding, demanding job.
There's upsides and there's huge downsides as well.
As you move forward the question is what is the lifestyle that's sustainable.
Everybody is selling something.
I mean if you are driving trucks for a living, you are selling your labor to drive trucks.
If you job is installing granite counter tops, you are selling your labor to install granite
counter tops.
The difficulty is when you make your commodity your family, it's not particularly sustainable.
So you do ultimately need to find something to sell, some kind of product, some sort of
lifestyle that you can eventually devote yourself to.
You just have to understand that the product can't be you.
And I think I've covered it.
I've gone through my three and a half pages of script.
I'm going to leave it there.
If you're happy to like, comment, subscribe and share and all that good sort of stuff
please do.
And until then, I will catch you next time.
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