-Well, you guys, today most of the country
got hit with a big winter storm.
And even Washington, D.C., got a few inches of snow.
Yeah. This morning, Trump got excited
'cause when he looked outside, he thought he woke up in Russia.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"It came true! I'm a real boy."
[ Laughter ]
That's right, even Washington got snow.
I guess the blizzard formed when God said,
"You want to see a national emergency?
I'll show you a national emergency, all right?
Boom! There you go."
[ Applause ]
But early reports said Washington
got between 2 and 4 inches.
Yep, it's the same report
Stormy Daniels got before meeting Trump.
-Hey-o! Hey! Hey, what?!
-Wait a second. -What?!
-What?! -What?!
[ Laughter ]
Come on. -Speaking of the President,
I heard that he's already trying to come up with nicknames
for his 2020 opponents.
Like Bernie is Crazy Bernie. Joe Biden is Sleepy Joe.
[ Laughter ]
Trump was like, "I'm so good at making up nicknames.
That's why I call myself
Good Nickname Maker-Upper Donald."
[ Laughter and applause ]
That's right. Trump's trying to think of nicknames
for all the 2020 Democrats.
I guess that's why Trump's last Google search
was for the Wu Tang Name Generator.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Oh, and I read that Trump is already hiring extra staffers
for his 2020 campaign,
which is sort of like finding out
you're being picked to put together the next Fyre Festival.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Oy! Boink!
-Listen to this -- in a speech today,
Vladimir Putin said Russia would use its new hypersonic missiles
that can fly nine times the speed of sound.
Yeah, of course, if he targets New York,
they'll still have to circle over LaGuardia for a few hours
before they can strike. We all know.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Check this out -- at an event last night,
former President Obama said, "If men are confident
about who they are,
they don't need eight women around them twerking."
[ Laughter ]
Then Joe Biden was like,
"All right, ladies, I think you should go home."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Hey, guys, the Oscars are on Sunday.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And I saw that "Roma" could become
the first foreign-language film to win Best Picture.
Unless you count Bradley Cooper talking in "A Star is Born"
as a foreign language.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Grumbles incoherently ]
[ Laughter ]
I think you're beautiful. [ Laughter ]
Get this -- I read that each gold-plated Oscar statue
is only worth $400.
That's pretty crazy. If someone offers you
an Oscar or an Apple Watch,
you actually have to stop and think about it.
You're like, "Ah, ah."
Oh, this isn't good. Guys, today,
Southwest had to cancel hundreds of flights
due to mechanical problems.
Yeah, the CEO of Southwest was like,
"I'm sorry, but two wings seemed pretty freaking redundant."
[ Laughter and applause ]
This is crazy. The other day, strong tail winds
caused a commercial flight from L.A. to London
to go faster than the speed of sound.
Yeah. The pilot was like,
"On your left is the Hollywood sign,
and on your right is...Buckingham Palace?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
Check this out. I read about a vegan woman
who recently got married and banned all meat-eaters
from her wedding.
Then her friends and family were like,
"Oh, no, we're not allowed at your vegan wedding?
Oh. Bummer." [ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
"Wow! So sorry to hear that.
Yeah, hopefully we can get together soon, yeah."
[ Laughter ]
"That sounds like fun. Yeah, sorry."
[ Laughter ]
And finally, listen to this. After a guy in Dallas
finished last place in his fantasy football league --
Did you hear about this?
He had to go to a dog park covered in peanut butter.
[ Audience groans ]
His friends laughed, then got concerned
when he went back again the next day.
"Wait, wait. What's going on?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
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