-Hello. -Hello.
-Our most frequent guest -- John Mulaney.
-Did I beat -- Was it Martha Stewart?
-Yeah, I think you just tipped ahead of Martha Stewart again.
Back and forth. Back and forth. [ Cheers and applause ]
-The ballet continues.
That's wonderful. That's wonderful.
-Also wonderful is this episode of "Documentary Now"
that you wrote that is based on theater.
It's based on a Stephen Sondheim musical.
You were involved in the theater at a very young age,
or you loved it at a very young age.
-Yeah, I was not allowed to be involved,
but I loved it very, very much.
I remember seeing "Les Miserables,"
which means "the miserables."
-Right. [ Laughter ]
-And it's all in France.
I was 7, and there's a 7-year-old actor
suddenly on stage in "Les Miserables."
This kid Gavroche comes out, and he has a song. He goes...
♪ Good evening, dear Inspector ♪
♪ Lovely evening, my dear ♪
And I was like, "What -- How come he gets to --"
I was apoplectic.
Later, my friends and I were playing baseball
in Jonquil Park in Chicago.
And this kid comes up, and you know, we don't know him.
So we're mean to him. [ Laughter ]
And we're talking to him.
He said, "I'm the understudy right now
for the Chicago production of 'Les Miserables.'"
So I think I take this guy out
and then I'm one away from the main event.
[ Laughter ] -Yeah.
-And I go, "Hey, I heard you need an understudy."
-Did it you think that's how understudies work?
That if you take one out, you're the understudy?
-Look. It would have been much cleaner.
[ Laughter ]
If it was just a kid playing Gavroche with no understudy
and then he was like, "Hey, want to play baseball?"
And I'm bat in hand, but that didn't happen.
And it's wrong to hit people, and so I didn't get it.
But I still do Gavroche for my wife, and she hates it,
and she hates my rendition of it.
And she really doesn't like it.
And it's -- and I know it's not good
and I know that it was funny when we started dating
and I know that it's not funny anymore.
'Cause I'll go like...
♪ Good evening, dear inspector ♪
♪ Lovely evening, my dear, da-na-na ♪
♪ I know this man, my friend, his name is Inspector Javert ♪
And Anna once went, "Wait a minute.
You just tipped two different hats."
[ Laughter ]
-That's an interesting -- -Because one came off.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
That play takes place at a time where it's not great in France.
But a lot of people had two hats.
-It was miserable there. [ Laughter ]
It stunk, frankly.
-They didn't have a ton of food, but they all had deux chapeau.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
I bet that's his only chapeau.
Ah, Gavroche!
-You were an -- Did you work in high school theater?
-No, they didn't let me. -Really?
-So, I'd come out and I'd do my singing and they'd say no.
[ Laughter ]
I was like, remember that movie "Florence Foster Jenkins" --
and we hold for applause. [ Laughter ]
I was the Florence Foster Jenkins of my high school.
I thought I could sing like Meryl Streep in the movie,
and I couldn't sing, so I never got in anything,
but I did lighting for musicals in high school.
Like, "My Fair Lady."
I'd be up in the booth.
And the lighting booth had a little attic.
And you could go up there
and, you know, do drugs or whatever you want to do.
[ Laughter ]
It was very fun because in "My Fair Lady,"
there's a scene where they're announcing everyone
at a fancy ball.
Do you know the show? -Yeah.
-Do you know theater? [ Laughter ]
Do you know theater? [ Laughter ]
So there's a scene -- there's a scene
and I should have refreshed my memory on this scene.
[ Laughter ] But it's a fancy thing.
Imagine, right? -Yeah.
-And so there's announcements.
It's like, Lord and Lady Ashton, then the people come out,
and this wonderful actress and classmate of mine
named Roxy Leigh every night
would read the names of the people,
and I was in the booth,
and I would switch out the cards every night that she had.
And so one night it was, like, "Sir Lord and Lady Ashton.
Ladies and gentlemen, Tim Allen."
[ Laughter ]
So I derailed the theater.
[ Laughter ]
But then I kept hanging around.
-This episode, again, there are --
you wrote a ton of Sondheim-esque songs.
-Yes, as did you.
-I helped out a very little bit with this episode,
but I enjoyed it a great deal. -Yes.
Your additions were instrumental.
No pun intended. Instruments. Instruments. Music.
[ Laughter ]
-But one of the fun things was both of us had to do this --
Neither of us can sing a lick.
-Not a bit. -Yeah.
-And we had the incredible composer for this, Eli,
we would sing into our iPhones and then send him us singing.
-Yes. And what I would do is I would take a melody
that already existed and was copywritten
and then I would add my own words,
and I'd go, "How about this?"
And Eli would say, "Well, that's already a song."
And he had to listen to me sing.
So I have all these voice memos.
-We actually have a voice memo just to give people
a sense of exactly how dire, how dire this was for --
Let's take a listen. -I'm legit embarrassed.
Hello, Eli. It's Mulaney.
I'm losing my voice on tour, so I was picturing it like this.
♪ You don't own any land, just a box in the sky ♪
♪ Your neighbor's cooking kasha and your other neighbor died ♪
♪ When you moved in, you felt lucky but that time is forgot ♪
♪ But you never give up your spot at the co-op ♪
[ Laughter ]
Wow, that is bad, but I did get it all out.
I'm proud of myself.
[ Laughter ]
-Great. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Fading out at the end.
♪ The co-op ♪
I can tell I'm going into, like, a funny voice
for my own defenses at the end, like...
♪ At the co-op ♪
-Even just -- I was singing into a phone
for only two other people to listen to, you being one.
-Yeah.
-And I would, like, have flop sweat.
I would be in the corner of my room,
hoping other people couldn't hear me.
-Yeah. -I whisper singing songs.
-On that one, I'm like, "I'm sorry. I've been on tour."
You know, I had a week off. [ Laughter ]
But there are constant disclaimers.
There's a lot of planes, so it sounds like I can't sing.
What it is, is airplanes. [ Laughter ]
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