-Well, you guys, between the Super Bowl
and the State of the Union, that's six hours of our lives
we'll never get back.
That's right. The State of the Union was tonight.
And I want to wish a speedy recovery to Nancy Pelosi,
who is recovering from biting her tongue all night.
But it was an historic night.
Trump gave his speech
in front of the most diverse Congress ever.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It was so diverse, Trump was like, "Oh, God.
The caravan is coming from inside the House!"
[ Laughter ]
Of course, Trump's State of the Union
was broadcast on every major network,
but a lot of other networks didn't air it at all.
Actually, some of the channels that didn't air the speech
released statements explaining their decision.
For example, HGTV released a statement saying,
"We didn't air the President's address because
we already know how to build walls."
[ Laughter ]
Up next, Bravo. They said they didn't air the address
because even the Real Housewives think that's too much drama.
The History Channel said, "We didn't air it because we aired
something more factual -- 'Ancient Aliens.'"
Nickelodeon said, "We didn't air the President's address
because we oppose his position on immigration.
We stand with Dora."
[ Cheers and applause ]
And finally MTV said, "We didn't air the President's address,
but we did air a 'Jersey Shore' marathon,
which is just as loud and just as orange."
[ Cheers and applause ]
When Trump showed up in the House and walked up the aisle,
one lawmaker tried to get him to autograph his hat.
Did you see that? Take a look at this.
-He's got people in that room who have already called for...
-He's got his Sharpie there.
Yeah, yeah, no.
Trump was like, "The only thing I'm stopping to sign are boobs."
What?
And for almost all of Trump's speech,
you could see House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Mike Pence.
Check these guys out. Yeah.
They look like two siblings
watching "Fifty Shades of Grey" together.
[ Laughter ]
And this went viral.
Check out the photo of Nancy Pelosi clapping at Trump.
[ Laughter ]
Pelosi was like, "You're never getting your wall!"
[ Cheers and applause ]
But while Trump spoke, one side of the aisle kept applauding
while the other side sat in silence.
Trump was thinking, "Well, it reminds me of my wedding day."
And listen to this. Since his last State of the Union,
eight members of Trump's cabinet have either quit or been fired.
And six more went out for cigarettes and never came back.
A lot of people are talking about this.
At one point, Trump criticized the Russia investigation.
He even used a rhyme. Listen to this.
-If there is going to be peace and legislation,
there cannot be war and investigation.
[ Laughter ]
-And he was like,
"If you want a President with orange color,
we must get rid of Robert Mueller.
[ Applause ]
I do not like green eggs and ham.
I do not like the Mexi-cans."
[ Laughter ]
I saw that pretty much all
of the Congressional Democratic women
wore white head to toe.
Take a look at that. Yeah.
In response, the governor of Virginia was like,
"Oh, sure, when they do it, it's okay."
[ Audience groans ]
[ Laughter ]
Even Trump's daughter Tiffany wore white.
The President was shocked. He was like,
"I can't believe she was invited."
And Trump's son-in-law Jared Kushner was at the speech,
but when they showed him, he looked a little uncomfortable.
Watch this.
-...almost about 22 years... -Wow.
-...and had expected to be in prison...
-He looks like someone put their Ken doll in a sitting position.
[ Laughter and applause ]
It's nice to see the Elf on the Shelf
found a job in the off-season.
It's always interesting to see
who sits where during the State of the Union.
In case you missed it, during the broadcast,
we got a copy of the seating chart.
Take a look. First, here's the House Chamber. And here's Trump.
Next, here's where Nancy Pelosi sat.
And here's where Trump's Secret Service agent
to protect him from Nancy Pelosi.
Next, here are the leaders
of the Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, and Coast Guard.
Here's an empty seat for the commander of the Space Force.
And finally here's where Trump sat Ivanka,
and here's where he sat Eric and Don Jr.
[ Laughter and applause ] Check this out.
"The Washington Post" reported that after he plays golf,
Trump likes to eat two chili dogs.
Mike Pence and Nancy Pelosi were behind Trump thinking,
"Dear God, I hope he didn't golf today."
And, finally, the State of the Union
was supposed to be last week, but Nancy Pelosi stopped it
from happening during the shutdown.
Well, tonight you could tell that she wanted Trump
to know that the House is her domain.
Check out this video she sent Trump before the speech.
♪♪
-♪ It's my house, come on ♪
-♪ Welcome to my house ♪
♪ Baby, take control now ♪
♪ We can't even slow down ♪
♪ We don't have to go out ♪
-We have a great show tonight! Give it up for The Roots!

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