-Well, everybody, tomorrow is Valentine's Day.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, I can tell who forgot
based on the expressions right after I said that.
That guy right there. I saw it. Yeah.
I saw that the "Today" show made a list of Valentine's gift ideas
that included a barista kit, a breakfast-sandwich machine,
and a Wi-Fi router.
[ Laughter ]
The perfect gift is to make someone think
you just robbed a Starbucks.
It's just so romantic.
Actually, I read that the most popular Valentine's gifts
are experiences, like an outdoor adventure.
Sounds fun until you remember
that's how every episode of "Dateline" starts.
You know, it's like, "They were hiking on Valentine's Day
right after taking out a new life-insurance policy."
[ Laughter ]
Get this -- Amazon's Alexa has a special feature
called "Be My Valentine," where she'll say sweet things to you.
-Aw.
-To turn it on, all you have to say is,
"Alexa, I'm very, very lonely."
[ Laughter and applause ]
It's cute. -Aw.
-And tomorrow, Auntie Anne's is offering a special
on heart-shaped pretzels.
[ Cheers ]
That's a great deal for all you hopeless romantics
taking your dates to LaGuardia.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Get in the cab. Let's do it."
Of course, a lot of famous couples
are exchanging Valentine's cards.
And we actually got ahold of some of them.
-Really? -Yeah.
So we're going to share them with you right now.
Check these out.
This first one here is from Colton from "The Bachelor."
-Oh.
-He said to one of the contestants --
It says, "Hannah, I think I'm falling for you."
You open it up.
It says, "Well, it's either you or the other Hannah."
But still. -Yeah. It's romantic.
It's romantic.
-Next, here's one that Mike Pence sent to his wife.
It says, "Tonight, let's turn off the lights,
get under the covers, and immediately fall asleep."
-Oh.
[ Laughter, cheers and applause ]
-Spicy.
Here's one that El Chapo sent his wife.
-Oh.
-It says, "All I've ever asked from you
is that you dig a two-mile tunnel
to help me escape prison."
-Aw.
Tunnel of love.
-You want to save that one.
-Yeah. El Chapo.
-Next, here's one that White House adviser Stephen Miller
sent to his girlfriend.
It says, "Let me cook dinner tonight.
I'll make you some fava beans and a nice Chianti."
-Oh. [ Applause ]
-And finally, here's one that Nancy Pelosi sent her husband.
It says, "Thank you for sending me an edible arrangement.
[ Sarcastically ] So original. I really love it.
Really great, great, great gift."
Listen to this, guys -- For Valentine's Day,
I heard Americans will spend about $2 billion on flowers.
-Oh.
-Yeah, when Trump heard that,
he tried to sell the White House Rose Garden to pay for the wall.
-Oh.
-"Got to use your brain."
That's right -- Congress won't give Trump what he asked for.
So he's looking for other ways to fund the wall.
Today he was outside the White House
singing Kid Rock songs in an open guitar case.
[ Laughter ]
I screwed that one up.
Behind a open guitar case.
Let me screw it up again.
Today he was outside the White House
singing Kid Rock songs behind an open guitar case.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ] Please.
Oh, give me a break.
♪ Wall with the wall da-bang-da-bang ♪
♪ Wall with the wall ♪
I don't even know.
[ Laughter ]
-♪ All in all ♪
-What were you doing?
-♪ Just another brick in the wall ♪
Pink Floyd.
-Now you're just doing songs that just "wall"?
-Yeah. Just "wall."
♪ Wall of me ♪
♪ Why not take wall of me? ♪
♪ After all, you're my wonder wall ♪
-Oh, that's pretty good.
-♪ Wall eyes on me ♪
[ Laughter ]
-♪ Wall eyes on me ♪
Oh, gosh, I can't think of another song.
-♪ Wall my lovin' ♪
♪ I will send to you ♪
-♪ Wall by myself ♪
-That's a good -- That's it.
-♪ I'm gonna build a wall by myself ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-The gem. Mmm.
I did a good thing.
-Senator Ted Cruz says that he thinks
the Mexican drug lord El Chapo should pay for the wall.
Yeah, then Americans told Cruz, "Well, we'll pay for the wall
if you walk up to El Chapo and say that to his face.
Go right up to him. He's right there.
You tell him. No, no, no."
Since the government shutdown ended,
Trump's approval rating has gone up seven points.
When Trump said, "Great, what's my approval rating now?"
his staff was like, "Seven."
[ Laughter and applause ]
But Trump's got a lot going on.
In the Oval Office today, he was asked if he had a backup plan
if Venezuela's president doesn't step down.
Listen to what he said.
-If President Maduro stays in power, do you have a plan "B"?
-I always have plan "B" and "C" and "D" and "E" and "F."
[ Laughter ]
-"We got plan 'G.'
Preparation H.
Of course, my favorite, plan double-D."
[ Laughter and applause ]
You see this?
Guys, last night,
the Westminster Dog Show wrapped up here in New York.
Yeah.
And I saw that a dog named Verb won the agility competition.
He was really flying out there.
Take a look at him go. Watch this.
-But look at that speed! -Wow!
-And not much of a check-in at all on that.
Get to that back side.
-Wow! [ Laughter ]
Pretty fast.
And meanwhile, another dog named Winky
went viral for his performance.
He was a little more laid-back. Watch, here's Winky.
Hey, Winky.
Hey, Winky.
Hey, boy.
I love Winky.
That first dog is every New Yorker in Times Square,
while Winky is every tourist.
You know? [ Laughter and applause ]
Check this out -- The FBI says someone stole a trailer
filled with $65,000 worth of energy drinks.
Yeah, and they just released a video of the suspect.
Look. -Wow!
-And not much of a check-in at all on that.
-$65,000.
[ Applause ]
-Verb. -Did you see this?
Over the weekend, a man in Kentucky
caught a 20-pound goldfish.
This is real. Take a look at this.
-Oh.
-Isn't that crazy? -Wow.
-Can I see that picture again? Wow!
The hard part will be flushing it down the toilet when it dies.
-Yeah. -That's near impossible.
-What are you going to do? -It's nearly impossible.
-"Get the plunger."
-And finally, employees at a Home Depot in Kansas called 911
after they thought they overheard a man in the bathroom
making a bomb threat.
But it turned out to be something else.
Listen to this.
-Police say a man was in a stall
when he told others in the restroom, quote,
"Y'all need to get out of here
because I'm fixing to blow it up."
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, man.
Even worse, he was using a display toilet.
-Oh. -That's the worst part.
The bomb-sniffing dog was like, "No way. Send in Winky."
Oh, yeah.
Guys --
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you very much.
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