-You guys, Liam Hemsworth and Jessica Williams
are my guests tonight. -Whoa!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Plus, New England Patriots star Rob Gronkowski is here.
[ Cheers and applause ]
After three straight days of partying,
Gronk has no idea how he got here.
But he is here. [ Laughter and applause ]
He is here!
I love that guy.
The big story is still
last night's State of the Union.
I read that Trump's speech was the third longest ever,
at 82 minutes.
It was so long,
even Barack Obama was like, Uh...
[As Barack Obama] This guy's gotta...speed things up."
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Normal voice ] That's right. Trump spoke for 82 minutes.
he was like, [As Donald Trump] "Wow, in that same time,
I could have slept with Stormy Daniels...
82 times."
[ Laughter and applause ]
90! 90."
[ Normal voice ] I read that Trump's speech was
over 5,000 words long.
To give you an idea of how many that is,
that's roughly the same word count
as Adam Levine's chest.
[ Laughter and applause ]
It's long. Lot of words. -Wow. it's long.
It's a lot of words. -While --
While Trump was talking, a lot of people noticed that
Nancy Pelosi was actually reading his speech.
Take a look at this. See that?
[ Laughter ]
She's like a bored wedding guest,
who's reading the program, like, "When the hell's this thing end?
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Another reading from the Corinthians?
Come on!"
Did you see Bernie Sanders?
He didn't look happy to be there.
Look at Bernie Sanders.
[ Laughter ]
He looks like his wife dragged him to see
"Pretty Woman: The Musical."
[ Applause ]
Of course, during the State of the Union,
Trump spoke using a teleprompter.
I think his staff has finally figured out a way
to get him to stick to script.
Take a look at what they were showing him on the prompter.
-We are joined by one of the Apollo 11 astronauts,
who planted that flag,
Buzz Aldrin.
[ Laughter ] The United States is
now the number-one producer of oil and natural gas.
-There, that's interesting. [ Laughter and applause ]
That's right.
The president sometimes gives his speeches
pretty off the cuff, but last night,
for the State of the Union, he had to use a teleprompter --
-Hey, Jimmy. Sorry to interrupt.
But I actually missed Trump's speech last night.
I had a thing.
-You had a thing?
-That's what I said.
Anyway, considering all of Trump's anger
about not getting the money for his little border wall,
it must have been insane.
So, how crazy was his speech?
-Well, as I was about to say, because he used a teleprompter,
it was actually pretty restrained.
-Wait, wait. Restrained?
-Low key. -Calm?
-Tame. -Passive?
-Controlled. -Tempered?
-Toned down. -Ho-hum?
-Hum-drum. -Mild?
-Muted. -Subdued?
-Sober.
-[ High-pitched] Mellow?!
[Laughter]
-Mellow yellow.
-[ Normal voice ] That's weird.
-I know. -Anyways...
-That's that.
[ Light laughter ]
-Haircut? -Last week.
-Barber shop? -Super Cuts.
-Looks good. -Feels short.
-Weekend plans? -Nothing yet.
-Wanna hang? -Guess so.
-Any thoughts? -Man date.
-Olive Garden? -Delish.
-Breadsticks?! -Num, num, num, num, num.
-Can't wait! -It's on me.
-'Cause when we're there... -We're family.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well...
Well, after the speech, I saw that Sean Spicer went
on a TV show that was broadcasting live
from the bar at Trump's D.C. hotel.
Did you see this?
It seems like Spicer may have had a few drinks
before he went on camera.
Watch this.
-Before I ever was there -- Hold on. Just stop.
Like, listen to me. -Where were -- You were in a --
-[ Slurring ] I was -- I-I had a client meeting.
And I was yelling at you, and you barely recognized me.
-[ Laughs ] [ Laughter ]
-My God. -When the anchor said,
"Yeah, you should call an Uber driver,"
Spicer was like, "I am an Uber driver."
[ Laughter and applause ] "That's what I do now."
And I -- -[ Laughs ]
"You were yelling at me."
-"Am I a good looking guy, you think?"
And finally, I read that Trump's childhood home in Queens
is going up for sale.
Just to mess with him, Nancy Pelosi's gonna buy it
and turn it into a Mexican restaurant.
We have a great show tonight. Give it up for The Roots!
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