-I was just -- I'm running a bit behind today,
so I thought, if you guys wouldn't mind,
I'd just like to write out my weekly Thank You Notes
right now. Is that okay with you guys?
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ As Pres. Trump ] What a beautiful pen.
We're gonna need more pens.
These are really great pens. We need more pens like this.
-I want a wall of pens.
-This pen is -- This pen is --
-Yes, what is the pen is?
Speaking of pen is's. -Speaking of pen is.
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] Speaking of pen is...
-That pecker. -What's that?
-That pecker. -No, that was something else.
-He's something else, man. It's a bad staffer.
It's between Pecker and Bezos.
That's all I'm saying. -Yeah.
-No, I understand.
-How did it leak? How did it leak?
I think it was a problem with his staff.
-The staff -- Well, the staff is there. You know what I mean?
He's got a staff -- He's got a staff
that can cover everything. You know what I mean?
And in that vein... -Hey, hold on, hold on.
Wait. What's that?
-In that vein? -Yeah.
-Hold on a second. -Yeah, wait.
-You're getting a little testy.
-I'm sorry. Relax. You're right. No problem.
Just trying to have a ball here.
I don't want to get sacked. You know?
-Yeah, this is just the beginning.
-Yeah, this is just the tip of the...
-Iceberg. Iceberg. -Iceberg. Iceberg.
-James, can I get some Thank You Note
writing music, please?
You know it's funny, James. Trying not to laugh.
Come on! -You know it's funny.
Come on, man. -Come on.
-Come to the light. Come to the light, James.
♪♪
-Thank you, teleprompters, for giving us
the one night a year when our president uses sentences
that actually make sense.
[ Applause ]
♪♪
Thank you, people who get engaged on Valentine's Day,
for really going above and beyond
to depress your single friends.
It's like, "Ugh. I get it. -Yeah.
-Can't you do it tomorrow?"
♪♪
Thank you, Super Bowl ads for beer and pizza,
for spending millions of dollars to advertise things
that everyone's already pretty on board with.
[ Laughter ]
"What?! Pizza?!
What's that invention?!
-"I never thought of that!
-Uh, uh, Paul! Can you rewind that?!
Paul, wait, wait, wait. -What is beer?!"
Ughhh!
What are we gonna do?"
[ Imitating ringing phone ]
-"Hello? -"Yeah.
-Dude! -What?
-Why did I say hello when I called you?
-I don't know, dude. I don't have caller ID. Who is this?
-Sorry, man, I was just watching the big game.
And guess what I saw. -What?
-A thing called, uh, pizza. -W-W-W-What?!
That's insane! What is it?!
-You want to see something insane?
-What is it?
-Open your e-mail. -Oh, my God!
That's a picture of David's pecker!
-It's a beer. I'm tellin' ya, man.
-Look at -- That beer's got a good head on it.
Oh, that's not the beer."
-I got to go, dude."
-Scrolling.
-Alexa: Sorry. I didn't catch that.
-All right, Alexa.
[ Pop ]
-Alexa with three X's. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Thank you, car seat warmers, for having two settings --
low and Satan frying bacon on my butt cheeks.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Whew! Ooh!
-I think I'm gonna have the flu.
♪♪
Thank you, Facebook, for turning 15 this week.
If it wasn't for you, I'd never know
that my high-school lab partner's sister
is having a gender-reveal party on Tuesday.
[ Applause ]
♪♪
Thank you, hotels that put bathroom mirrors
in front of the shower, for saying,
"You know what'll help you relax this vacation?
Having to take a long, hard look at your own naked body."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Thank you, the key holder by my front door,
for silently taunting me about where my keys should be
every time I lose them.
There you guys have it. Those were my Thank You Notes.
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