Welcome to the show, everybody.
Well, the results of Trump's annual physical came out.
And I saw that in the past year, he gained 4 pounds.
Trump said, "That's because when I stepped on the scale,
I forgot to take off my hair."
4 pounds?
After gaining 4 pounds,
he's now technically considered obese.
He knew he was in trouble when he got on the scale,
and it said "National Emergency."
That's right -- Since Trump is now technically obese,
he could just BE the border wall.
That's what I'm saying. Why not?
I saw that one of Trump's challengers
in the next election, Kamala Harris,
says she supports legalizing weed,
because it gives a lot of people joy.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Which explains her new slogan...
Spark more of that joy! -Wow!
-Check this out. The winner of last year's
$1.5 billion Mega Millions jackpot
still hasn't come forward.
And you know the guy with the winning ticket
is watching the news like, "That idiot."
"You're the --"
Some sports news -- A minor-league baseball stadium
in Connecticut just became
the country's first ballpark to ban peanuts.
Yeah, they said, "We don't want to risk anybody getting hurt.
Now who's ready for the T-shirt cannon?
Let's go! Let's go!"
[ Air horn blaring ]
Guys, it's time for "Tonight Show News Blender,"
where we take real headlines from the week
and blend them together to see how weird
we can make the headlines.
I'll show you what I mean. For example,
if you blend the stories
Kim Jong-un sees different version of Trump...
Clinique offers sultry Valentine's Day makeup...
and creators of "Baby Shark" release new song, you get...
Trump and Kim Jong-un release sultry version of "Baby Shark"
for Valentine's Day.
See what I'm saying? -Yeah. It blends it. Yeah, yeah.
-Next up, if you blend the stories
dating app Coffee Meets Bagel suffers breach...
Taco Bell orders vegan options...
and man behind restaurant explosion identified, you get...
Man meets Taco Bell, meets coffee,
suffers behind explosion.
[ Laughter ]
Next up, if you blend the stories
Barneys selling high-end bong...
Trump tweets wall keeps law and order...
and new technology makes binge-watching easier, you get...
high Trump binge-watches "Law & Order,"
keeps tweeting, "Bong bong."
[ "Law & Order" tones play ]
And finally, if you blend the stories...
winter snow brings 3 to 6 inches...
plans to shrink wealth gap between men and women and --
Don't let me do the joke, please.
-Come on!
-Couple from Texas holds nudist wedding, you get...
Nudists hold winter wedding, men shrink from 6 to 3 inches.
-Ohh! -There we go.
We've got a great show tonight.
Give it up for The Roots, everybody.
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