-I'm running a bit behind tonight,
so I thought if you guys wouldn't mind,
I'd like to write my weekly thank-you notes right now.
Is that okay with you guys?
[ Cheers and applause ]
James Eugene Poyser, could I get
some thank-you-note-writing music, please?
[ Piano plays ]
That looks like a Madame Tussauds wax figure.
-Yeah.
-Is he real? -I don't think so.
He hasn't moved in six months.
-He looks like an animatronic -- like a Chuck E. Cheese --
-The Bear Country Jamboree. -Yeah.
-Yeah. Oh, look at the eyes move.
The animatronic eyes move. -Like Five Nights at Freddy's.
-[ Imitating whirring ]
[ Piano plays ]
What, your pen broke?
-I don't know what happened.
[ Piano plays ]
-Thank you, Presidents' Day, for giving us a way
to honor what the leaders of our country fought for --
buying mattresses at slightly reduced prices.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah. -10%.
[ Piano plays ]
-Thank you, leaked Trump schedules,
for letting me know that all the time I spend on Instagram
at work can now be called executive time.
[ Cheers and applause ] I didn't know that.
[ Piano plays ]
Thank you, couples who sit next to each other at restaurants,
for looking like you're on a double date
with your imaginary friends.
[ Laughter and applause ]
You're real. -How rude.
-You get in a fight with him?
-Yeah, I get in a fight with my imaginary friend.
-"How rude!" -"That's uncalled for."
-"You make me look like a fool."
[ Laughter ]
You get in a fight with your imaginary friend.
-"I'll have the salad. He'll have cold soup."
[ Piano plays ]
-Thank you, Monopoly Fortnite Edition,
for taking a game that parents don't understand
and combining it with a game kids don't understand.
-Come on! -Who's that for?
[ Piano plays ]
Thank you, caricature artists.
There's nothing quite like handing someone 20 bucks
to point out every part of my face
I have ever felt weird about.
It's like...chubby cheeks?
-I look like that?
-I guess I have big teeth. Oh, gosh.
[ Piano plays ]
Thank you, airplane windows, for giving me breathtaking views
that I can almost see through the smudged forehead grease
of whoever sat here before me.
[ Applause ]
[ Piano plays ]
Thank you, ski lifts,
for being the safest way to climb a mountain
while dangling from a park bench.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Piano plays ]
Thank you, automatic flushing toilets.
I thought it would be my call, but sure, why don't you decide
when I'm done using the bathroom?
There you have it. Those are my thank-you notes.
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