[Applause]
what are the guiding forces in any
extraordinary relationship what keeps
people out of relationships what stops
people from really experiencing the love
and passion they deserve and I talk to
people all the time and they're they've
got everything else handling their wife
their businesses are great they have
great friends their body's in great
shape but there's one area that so many
people are missing out on and that is
that deep passionate connection with a
person they desire and deserve this film
is about the kind of action you can take
today to bring that emotional juice into
yourself and into your partner or to
attract that ideal partner to you I can
promise you that whatever stage in life
you are right now the principles you're
gonna learn in this series of films
audio sessions and action workbooks will
be extraordinary useful in understanding
and overcoming any challenges you may be
experiencing your relationship I know
this sounds like hyperbole but I gotta
tell you I've been doing this for 28
years I work with 3 million people live
in seminars from 80 different countries
in the world at this point I could be an
idiot and I have to say there are
patterns in human behavior and there's
certainly patterns in human relationship
what you're gonna learn in this series
is that it starts with you but it's your
fears it's your own limitations that
your own patterns that get in the way of
your capacity to connect and stay
connected with a kind of person that
would light you up and that you could
light up as well so if you really want
to maximize not only the quality of your
relationship but the joy and fulfillment
that you experience together then I'm
going to ask you not only to listen
these films but in some cases listen or
watch them again and again and get the
repetition in your body but most
importantly take the actions I'm
suggesting don't just take the
information and that's fine to start
with but actions what's gonna change
your life
now in this session you're gonna listen
to a conversation I had with a young
woman named tawny a beautiful young
woman she had an extraordinarily
successful career she had great friends
great relationship with her mom but she
found herself struggling the depression
how do you do that how does that happen
how do you struggle with depression when
you got everything going for you so many
people do and the reason is you're gonna
learn a principle in this first tape
that's crucial to understanding yourself
or any of you
beings behavior if you've ever asked why
did I do that or how the heck of this
person do that I'm gonna tell you the
answer whatever human beings do they
have a reason they have a specific
reason it may not be conscious it may be
unconscious but I'll tell you what it is
this behavior even if it's painful on
the surface meets a need within this
individual we all have six human needs
and part of what you're going to learn
during this series is human needs
psychology the fundamental basic
understandings of what makes us do what
we do what drives us what shapes the way
that we function as human beings these
drives these belief systems and the
emotions that we've learned to live with
that we've gotten used to the
frustration or the depression or the joy
or the happiness whatever your emotional
habits are the beliefs you have and the
drives that are the focus of your life
are affecting everything in your life
not only your relationship but your body
your emotions your finances and
everything else in between so remember
if someone continues to do a behavior
even a behavior that seems hurtful it's
being reinforced by something there's
some need being met and that's the
mystery that will be uncovered in this
conversation with tawny you'll see that
this emotional pattern of depression or
for some people could be anger or
somebody else have a guilt or distrust
or whatever it can take root in
anybody's life and it starts to take
control of your life your relationship
and it gets in the way of everything
that you want to create in your life
everything you want to really accomplish
or at least parts of your life because
some people are doing great in their
career but they got a terrible
relationship with their kids or they're
great with the kids but they're
overweight or they're weights in great
shape but they're broke or in this case
everything else is great but their
relationships suck to be a technical
term so the bottom line is as the
conversation unfolds listen for and
notice how tawny actually uses
depression unconsciously to meet some of
her needs but in a way that
unfortunately is destructive to herself
and some of the people she loves most
and cares about most here's gonna be the
secret of steak once you recognize these
patterns you're gonna learn ways to make
choices to intervene in these patterns
that may have been guiding your life for
a long time to make a breakthrough to
make a bold new life by making brand new
decisions and taking action on
immediately with passion and emotional
juice so you get what you deserve that's
what it's all about
and by the way I'm happy to tell you the
PostScript to this story so you have a
reason to listen to say this I've really
work well I can tell you three years
later her life has been completely
transformed first of all within a few
months this decision she couldn't make
and couldn't figure out who she wanted
to be with her life she got married she
also started a brand new business with
her husband left the business she was
totally successful in and had the
courage to move to a brand new state and
now three years later she's on track
this year to make over half a million
dollars a year now the money's not that
important of I'm sure it's nice for her
what's really magnificent is that she's
living her dream life with her dream man
a complete transformation like this can
happen to anyone when you begin to
understand what's driving you the
beliefs they're holding you back the
fears that are controlling you and the
emotions and what you're getting out of
them I mean this is an opportunity for
you not just to learn about Tawney but
to learn about you to learn about the
people you care about so you could
really make that difference in yourself
or anybody else you'd like to make a
difference for I hope you'll listen I
hope you'll take notes and I hope you'll
take action is if you were gonna try and
teach this a share of this with someone
you love my deepest and serious desire
is that this conversation this series of
conversations and films the workbooks
and actions that are provided that are
so simple can give you the life that you
deserve how this process ideally works
is simple you can watch these films or
some people very often will listen to
them because they can do it while
they're working out or driving in their
car and so forth and you'll get some of
the same benefit on the film you'll be
able to see the facial expressions and
so forth so I encourage you do either or
both but as you immerse in these
experiences you're going to be learning
consciously and unconsciously most of us
don't realize that most of what we know
we've learned unconsciously when you're
in immersion
you'll make distinctions you're not even
aware of and you'll find you'll start
using them but also you're gonna learn
explicitly because Chloe madonnas is my
partner here she is world renowned as a
teacher of psychotherapy she's been
doing this for more than 35 years she's
been rated as one of the top 10
therapists in the world the breadth of
experience she has is amazing and I'm
to have her as a partner and to be in
these tapes with you it help guide you
on this amazing journey because she's
gonna point out to you what's happening
along the way for your conscious mind to
notice and at first you might say well I
don't really care but after a while
it'll start to accumulate and you'll
look forward to what she's gonna share
because it's kind of like when you're
building a puzzle as you start to put
pieces in place you don't really know it
doesn't look like anything and then
there's a point like a tipping point
where all of a sudden even though it's
not done you'll see it done you'll see
everything you'll start to hear
conversations between couples and you go
that's what's happening oh my god that's
what I'm doing
so that's why we have a series of films
but you're gonna learn this series is a
practical psychology a fundamental way
of understanding what makes you do what
you do make what makes other people do
what they do something that's actionable
not something that's technical not
something that analyzes or analyzes your
past but something that's fundamentally
useful and I call it human need
psychology and in it you're gonna
basically learn three things you're
gonna learn what's the driving force of
your life what is it that drives you
most what are the needs that drive you
and every other human being in this
world it helps you understand why we do
what we do secondly we're gonna learn
one of the guiding forces of your life
if you're trying to feel significant as
a need or you're trying to feel loved
doesn't eat or feel certain whatever the
need is how you go about doing that is
different for everyone because we have
different beliefs those are our guiding
Maps the maps of meaning and action that
tell us what this means and what we got
to do some people the way to be
significant is to take advantage of
everybody you know to out-think them or
screw them over somebody else's ideas to
contribute more to give more to love
more some people's idea love is to take
it others is to give it others just to
share it everyone has different belief
systems and our beliefs guide our
behaviors and finally all of this is
fueled by the third force the fuel of
choice while there are thousands of
emotions we could feel each of us tend
to specialize in about a dozen or so
where you know people don't feel every
emotion every day every week they feel
pretty much the same group of about a
dozen emotions half a dozen make them
feel good
it doesn't make him feel bad overall you
know people get really worried and
frustrated and freaked out and angry and
scared or and they get really happy and
excited and hopeful and loving and
playful and then they get scared and
freaked out and frustrated again and we
tend to go in cycles when you identify
the fuel of choice you can change it
because guess what no matter what
relationship you're in if your habit is
to get frustrated you're gonna get
frustrated a matter who you with
cuz you find your way back home to the
place you know if you're a happy person
all hell breaks loose you still find a
way to find the good in the don't you
that's the center of gravity and for
some of us that centre of gravity has to
change for some of us the guiding forces
have to change because the beliefs we
have about relationships create pain for
us and for some of us we're trying to
get something out of a relationship
instead of givin we're trying to get
significance and we're trying to be
certain in a relationship and control
someone which even if you succeed will
make you bored unhappy and make the
other person feel unloved
so these fundamentals will be covered
over the course of this time in this
film however we're gonna answer three
questions question number one is what
stops you I mean I know there are things
in your life that you want to do that
you know what to do but you still don't
do it isn't it true we all have things
like that at times and the question is
when you know what you should do and you
don't do it why not and you know the
answer it's fear but which fears and how
do we utilize them second question we're
gonna answer here is what is the force
that shapes and controls every thought
feeling and emotion in our life and the
answer to that is gonna be the meaning
we attach to something when something
happens the way we feel about is based
on the meaning is at the end of the
beginning is God punishing you or
rewarding you I mean whichever meaning
you come up with radically changes how
you feel in the experience of your life
and then the third question what is the
controlling force why do we do what we
do why is it at times we do things that
don't seem to be our advantage why do we
sabotage ourselves at times at least on
the surface it seems like that why is it
that people do silly things stupid
things unconscious things we're gonna
learn about these needs that the
controlling force and most importantly
how can you take this understanding and
use it to change anything in your life
most importantly
your intimate relationships so I hope
this sounds compelling to you there's a
lot to cover here but I think you're
gonna find it real this is raw and real
these are real people unscripted with
real reactions and I'll let you know
that you know there'll be some bleeping
in here and some sounds because you know
we have here a language designed to get
people to reality most people use
softeners in life how you doing oh
pretty good when they really mean I feel
like hell or something ten times worse
than that one of the things that Freud
learned he's language was very direct
he used sexual language he used direct
language because what do you want to do
was to get people to the truth raw and
that language disturbs us if we say the
word rear your rear end no problem but
if somebody says ass you'll have a
different feeling but it's the same
thing we're talking about it's just the
word but I will use words at times too
shock to disturb to open somebody up
never to be disrespectful as I'm sure
you'll clearly see and using these
principles based upon the concept of how
do you open someone to the truth how do
we get to what's real and stead of
cover-ups that we have never in a harsh
way so please join me right now let's
experience this film or this audio
however you're going to go about doing
it and let's begin to discover what
really drives us in fact the answer to
three questions what is it that stops us
for doing what we know we need to do
what controls and shapes every thought
feeling and emotion in our life and why
do we do what we do and how can we
change it because with the answers to
these questions you can make any
relationship magnificent let's begin
what stops us from having the life we
want what is the force that shapes and
controls the quality of our lives why do
we do the things we do all of us have
dreams and desires for our lives our
careers our families and our
relationships however for most of us it
is difficult to experience the happiness
we seek in this film you will learn
about fundamental patterns that drive
human behavior and control our
relationship
we begin our story with Anthony Robbins
speaking at a conference before three
thousand people in order to show how
quickly people can change their emotions
he asks for a show of hands from people
who suffer from depression
Tonia is an attractive intelligent young
woman who uses depression to get
sympathy and love
however she gets caught up in the idea
of being depressed and then sub feeling
unhappy and alienating those around her
using human needs psychology Robbins
will elucidate how Tony's emotional
patterns function to bring on suffering
by clarifying these core emotional
patterns Tony is able to develop the
self-awareness necessary to avoid using
depression and instead to make bold new
decisions today she lives a radically
different life that makes her proud
Provence will first demonstrate the
principle of the Triad all behaviors
including emotions are made up of three
elements working together patterns of
physiology and posture influences your
biochemical state and thus your emotions
patterns of mental focus determine how
you experience the world and thirdly
patterns of language control the way you
express and represent your experience to
yourself and to others these three
physiology focus and language create the
meanings that determine the way we
experience our lives in order to be
depressed a person must assume a certain
posture focus on certain specific things
and use certain specific language
patterns that lead to depression
Robbins will begin by asking Connie to
deliberately put herself into a state of
depression so that the audience can see
what patterns of physiology focus and
language are necessary for her to feel
depressed okay where's the lady right
here just raise your hand just like yes
ma'am would you stand up for a moment
what's your name tani can we get a
microphone for tawny now you don't look
very depressed right now are you really
depressed right now you are I say
how depressed on you on a 0 to 10 scale
10 is totally depressed want to kill
yourself 0 is not depressed at all Nate
bottom 8 interesting and you're feeling
that right now Ashley I'm doing pretty
good since I've been here yeah you're
doing better right now how many saw she
was not depressed just now let me see a
show of hands if you saw ok but you
could get there if you wanted to right
yeah right now you're not actually
depress what are you feeling right now
hopeful hopeful by the way how many saw
that in her body
in talking to Robbins tani is
momentarily hopeful Robbins points out
that when tani feels emotional states
these days are linked to physiological
patterns in her body I want you to
notice I want you to notice Donnie's
physiology right now when she's hopeful
if you notice she's got one arm here but
the other one is loose and she's smiling
and her heads kind of bouncing like this
that's called hopeful for her you can
see now it's even more than hopeful
right now there's a different feeling
she just had as I point this out
that's not depressed and she's smile how
many of you felt when she took the
microphone she was not depressed let me
see your hands now how come 3,000 people
all knew that because you're all natural
psychologist you know that is not
depression now you can fake somewhat but
if you're totally depressed you couldn't
have smiled as big as she did and she
would have been not in the same position
Robin sees that Penny's depression is
not life-threatening though it creates
real problems for her he will now ask
her to deliberately make herself
depressed in order to investigate how
she does it now what I'd like you to do
for me is I'd like you to get depressed
can you get the press for me it's pretty
easy okay
show me how to do it because I'm not
very successful at this really get
depressed right now I'm unit for real
get really depressed there you go and
now I want you to double the depression
whatever you got to do
do what you do with your body when
you're twice as depressed focus on what
you focus on when you're twice as
depressed say to yourself what you say
when you're there you go when you're
really depressed how depressed are you
right now 0 to 10 stay in that state and
just tell me how to press 0 to 10 press
the tenants want to kill yourself zero
is not depressed at all where are you
okay now stay there in that state so we
can learn something how many saw her
change her physiology radically to go
into pressure and raise your hand what
did she specifically do to go from
hopeful to depress by the way how fast
that she go from hopeful to depressed
how fast and heartbeat what she changed
someone tell me posture what part what
happened where the head go heads down
what else changed stay in a state of
rest you're gonna screw this up state of
rest I don't want you getting happy on
me don't you get happy on me you stay
depressed damn it Robby's has
demonstrated how quickly Donnie can take
herself from hopeful to depressed and
then to laughter he pretends to be angry
and disappointed that she cannot
maintain her depression and he uses
surprising and shocking language to
trigger a heightened emotional state
that will help her to learn and remember
laughing is the worst thing you can do
to be you stop laughing bitch don't you
smile go back the depression come on
it'll help you that's it that's it good
get that hand back up good that's good
that helped how many you noticed that
hands really important than a depression
thing so she dropped her head what
happened her breathing fuller shallow
sorry to get shallow heads down what
happened her shoulders yeah go stay
there sit down all right
so shallow breathing head down what else
did you notice come on what else did you
notice she started squeezing her hand on
that microphone tight you notice that
tension tapping the microphone that
tension now that Robbins has pointed out
the physiological pattern in Tanya's
depression
he will ask her what she focuses on in
order to feel the breasts now that's
just the physical side now as you stay
in this state tell me what are you
focusing on to be depressed at level 9
my lack of happiness your lack of
happiness and when you say your focus on
your lack of happiness what do you
picture what do you think about not
being able to stop crying a lot lately
could you get to crying for us could you
get that depressed oh come on you can do
it if you're able to get the place of
not being able to stop let's go there
that's a much better example behind me
not able to put your past behind you
what do you focus on your past in order
to be depressed just said my lack of
trust in people you like a trusting
people or in men men that's you're glad
you volunteered for this aren't you by
the way I'm a man Donny put herself
again in a depressed state through her
physical posture her breathing and her
thought process Robbins will now
humorously provoke her into another
emotional state to continue to show how
easy it is to go from one emotional
state to another what does that
microphone remind you of what are you
feeling right now actually a little
pissed yeah that's why I thought by the
way piss is much better than depressed
what'd she do she brought her head back
up there shows back up she's still tense
but she's like don't quit me so pissed
might be a more useful state it's
certainly not the end-all be-all but she
can get out of depression and go pissed
real quickly in fact I bet you've done
this plenty of times when she gets tired
of being sad she gets pissed am i right
yeah I call this a crazy eight she gets
really depressed and tired and feels
helpless and she gets tired of feeling
that feeling I'll explain why later and
then she gets pissed which makes her
feel strong for a short time then she's
tired of being pissed so she go back to
connecting with herself and feeling sad
again she gets tired and she gets pissed
this is a very simple pattern and it's
not unique and she's good at it cuz
she's practiced it for years true
master yes I can see that for tiny
depression is a way for her to connect
and commiserate with herself however
when this depression begins to make her
feel too weak she snaps out of it with
anger
this emotional pattern of alternating
between sadness and anger is called a
crazy eight many people live most of
their lives alternating between these
two emotions let's go back to the press
now because it's so much more fun notice
she knows exactly where to go
does she know what to do to get
depressed yes or no she would have you
believe that happens to her go ahead get
depressed level 8 nod when you're there
okay tell me what you're focusing on
right now to be depressed at level 8 I
don't know you're not there
what are you focused on the men you
can't trust from your past what do you
say to yourself to be depressed like
this just say out loud what you're
saying in your head when you're really
depressed when people experience
emotions they are actually saying things
to themselves silently although they are
not said aloud these language patterns
have a powerful influence on our
emotions I'm so pathetic I'm so pathetic
saying the tone of voice you say it when
you stay depressed though
they're so fucking pathetic to really be
depressed what do you got to say to
yourself really depressed 9 say it the
tone of voice you say it when you're
that depressed my life this way what
else do you say so pathetic I don't want
to live my life this way is there a tone
of voice here ladies and gentleman yes
or no what else do you say to stay
depressed at level 9 you ever get
depress the 10 like we want to kill
yourself no shit I thought we had a good
suicide we could deal with you
sorry to disappoint you what are you
doing smiling in what do you feeling
right now kick your ass how fast can we
take her out impression how fast two
seconds if you with her depression she's
pissed off at you I'm sitting here being
depressed you take me out of it I'll
come out of my depression when I'm ready
when robbers surprises her and
interferes with her depression Tonya
reacts with anger she is protective of
her depression because she has been
using it to satisfy an emotional need
take a moment and ask yourself if she
protects a right to be depressed by
being angry how would that affect her
relationships what would happen if
someone tried to help her overcome her
depression do you know anyone who
protects his or her depression or
another destructive emotion for Donny
this is a turning point she sees the way
she uses depression and she will look
for new ways to meet her emotional needs
so we now know what she does when she's
pissed and we know what she does when
he's depressed and she seems to snap
back let's go back to hopeful for a
second you're good now Morris how many
how many recognize the physiology of
hopeful when she went there is going to
be recognized what did she do she
started doing what nine her head
shoulders came back head came up what
else did she do started a smile so can
she go from depressed the hopeful
instead of depressed the test if she
chose to these are wimpy estates have
you ever had a state of pure ecstasy or
is that what you're pissed about
that's not my problem good what are you
feeling now excited excited that's nice
in order to learn how to overcome her
habit of depression taani needs to work
on an antidote a strong emotional state
that will meet her emotional needs while
counteracting depression Robin's will
suggest that she trained herself in the
emotion of ecstasy I'd like you to think
of a specific peak experience and once
you experienced a peak of exercise can
you remember a particular moment I'd
like you to go right before the peak of
that moment as you do that I want you to
step into that image as if you were
really there and breathe the way you're
breathing right near the peak were you
making sounds at this point what are you
feeling right now stay in that state
what are you feeling right now
she's feeling so much she can't talk
now go back to depression better no go
back to depression come on you've been
there for years
okay go to the pressure come on you
can't put your past behind you you can't
put your past behind you in this case I
think that's a very good thing because
if this was constantly in front of you
imagine the smile that would be on your
face all day
maybe you've been selective about which
past to put in front of you or behind
you in conducting his interventions with
people Robbins is following seven master
steps for creating lasting change first
understand their world Robbins began by
understanding Donnie's triad the
patterns of physiology focus and
language which come together to create
the experience of depression he also
understood her typical krazy-8 emotional
pattern and the source of pain in her
life her difficulty in relationships
second break the pattern using humor
challenge and surprising language
Robbins continuously broke down is a
virtual emotional patterns
third find leverage Robbins found
leverage by locating what Donnie cared
about most her desire for a loving
trusting relationship with a man when
Tony saw a chance to change this part of
her life she committed herself fully to
the intervention fourth Robbins
redefined the problem Donny's problem
wasn't depression depression was just a
way of meeting her needs in the short
term that was actually destructive in
the long term what Tania really wanted
was a relationship and another way to
live with depression out of the way she
can now make that change v Robbins
created alternative sardonic instead of
always spiraling into depression Donnie
can learn to access emotions such as
ecstasy and hope
the sixth step is conditioned a new
behavior and the seventh step is to
relate the change to a higher purpose
now Robbins will undertake step six to
discuss the way tani has conditioned
herself to go into depression and how
she can condition herself to make a
conscious choice does she have the
ability to go from the press to piss the
hopeful or to ecstatic in a matter of
seconds yes or no does she have the
ability yes or no has she proven to you
that she can do him quickly and
immediately yes or no then why in the
past has she gone to depression which he
has all these other choices because
she's been rewarded for it yeah sure is
that fair to say that's why she didn't
like me very much when I was showing
that it's all a game she's been playing
for years now she doesn't just do it
consciously I know you're not a
manipulating bitch who's just doing this
to get something true there are times
when you're doing it consciously true
top section I appreciate your honesty
first of all you give her a big hand for
that honestly on top
I I really honor you first of all I
appreciate your courage to even stand up
I appreciate you playing with me it's
not a comfortable thing but I appreciate
most and Automotion honesty because when
that honesty can change anything most
people can never get to that level of
honesty so they have no power and the
reason they're most dishonest is with
themselves because it doesn't feel good
to say yeah I've used this shit at times
but you know you have and you're honest
about it means you can change it now
Tony understands her pattern of being
depressed in the hope that she would be
loved and taken care of and then being
angry because of the feeling of
helplessness brought on by depression
this crazy aide is a common way to
resolve our contradictory needs for
feeling connected and vulnerable and for
feeling powerful and in control now
Robbins will move into step 7 relate to
a higher purpose he will show Donnie
that the radical swings of her crazy
aide are not necessary when she is
connected to her higher purpose and her
true self but you gotta set up a new
reward system for yourself the other
thing is you've gotten in the habit of
doing it that sometimes you just do it
unconsciously now because you've gotten
in this what I call crazy eight this
loop and you like the pissed part
because it makes you feel powerful
because you feel really non powerful in
the other state which you also like
because you live in a world where women
are no longer honored for their feminine
they're all supposed to be men them so
you're one way to get feminine is to get
broken and feminine isn't about broken
feminine is about feeling but it's not
okay for you to feel so you go there and
you've got enough of a reason to be
depressed and feel that and maybe
actually have some people step up and
take care of you and honor you or
masculine energy instead of you always
be in control but you also you're
addicted to that control then you call
pissed off as your way of mobilizing now
you mobilize to that pissed off and it's
a useful skill I know how to do it too
but it's not very feminine and that
doesn't mean you have to be feminine
every minute I know anyone in this room
can kick any man's ass in just about
anything business-wise at this stage as
any man can do with any woman if there's
no there's no gender bias anymore and a
woman can do anything with
and can do and do things man can't do
like she could have a kid without a man
today so I want you to notice how you're
feeling right now I just saw a really
beautiful smile and it wasn't a forced
smile of hopefulness and it wasn't a
smile of you just did something cool
what was that smile that I just saw do
you remember a moment just a second ago
Comfort how did that feel it was good
how would you compare that feeling to
depression comparison how would you
compare it to pissed what you just saw
in her if you saw her was somebody saw
that relaxation smile how many saw that
I'm just curious what happened is she
went home for a few moments when I
described what her real nature is like
you're a very feminine woman but you
have trained yourself to kick ass and
out of all the pain you've had you've
gotten really tough and the tougher
you've got the more you've lost your
soul not your soul that's not fair to
say the feeling of being connected to
your soul because you've covered it all
up that's really what's depressed you
but you've got addicted to the feeling
of getting tough and feeling sad because
the sad is the one time you allow
yourself to be feminine because in the
feminine you don't have to control you
just allow it to be if you'll have to be
long enough it's gonna change anyway if
you do nothing men think they got to
control it make it happen and do all
those things so well he doesn't have to
do that if she's in her natural feminine
state I'm saying this because you're the
only person this room I'm talking to you
right now there are no other men and
women this relates to in this room of
3,000 people but if they were listening
to me right now they might discover that
the greatest happiness in life comes
when you get back to your true nature
first of all I really want to thank you
sincerely and honor you afters I'm going
to ask you to diagnose yourself with
what I'm about to share which is the
specific reason why you've really done
this why anyone does anything and I'd
like you to diagnose it but I really
truly want to honor you and I hope
everyone else will throw your total
sincerity and honesty and all that you
shared with everything
BRABUS ask ani to show him what she does
to get depressed she then noticed her
physiological posture her pattern of
focus and the language patterns which
came together for Tania's the experience
of depression while she was depressed he
provoked her and she snapped out of her
depression with anger
this was Toni's predominant pattern a
crazy eight she would get depressed in
the hope that she would be loved and
taken care of but when she said we can
helpless she would get angry to snap out
of the depression
in fact ani even got angry to protect
her right to be depressed this shows
that at some level she holds on to her
depression because it satisfies a need
for her astonish sits down robbins will
make a presentation on the six human
needs specifically gearing his stock to
help her understand more deeply how she
uses depression to meet her needs we
only do things because at some level
consciously or subconsciously we believe
we will meet one or more of what I call
our six human needs I am here to tell
you having been with three million
people from all over this planet that
while we're all completely diverse in
our physiology is the way we look think
at behave one thing I can tell you for
sure we're hardwired with the same needs
most people keep their problems because
it meets their needs and it meets their
needs without risking their greatest
fear this is a key concept in human need
psychology we recognize two kinds of
problems quality problems and safe
problems quality problems involve a
risky forward thinking decision that
will often take you to another stage in
life this decision could be something
like making a career shift committing to
a relationship starting a family or even
leaving a relationship or moving it can
also be a risky interpersonal
communication that leaves you vulnerable
telling someone that you love them
confronting someone about an injustice
or asking someone for help
sometimes quality decisions are simple
like deciding to appreciate yourself and
others or cultivating a feeling of
gratitude save problems on the other
hand are lingering issues which strictly
speaking lie within our control
depression procrastination hesitation
food and other addictions blaming others
for your troubles avoiding decisions or
withdrawing from relationships safe
problems seem safe because they seem to
protect us from our fear that if we try
and fail we won't be enough and won't be
loved of course in the long run it is
safe problems such as depression and
addictions which cause more damage to
our bodies our spirit and our
relationships than risky problems ever
do when people come up against a risky
decision that they feel unwilling to
make they will often develop a safe
problem that will distract them from
making a risky decision for instance
Danny stood up with a problem of
depression a safe problem that strictly
speaking lies within her control robbins
discovered that Donnie's greater fear
lay in a risky decision how to trust a
man and develop the relationship she
wants in life most ways meet your needs
you'd have to take a risk like start to
get in a relationship and that brings up
a big risk in fact the primary fear that
we will are not enough won't be loved
guess where it shows up more than any
other place an intimate relationship cuz
look at that's why most people spend
more time at work or with their kids
because of the kids if the guy got this
love forever on the other hand work you
can control it by your effort by your
focus by your commitment to do well in
work you have control that no control in
a relationship influence at best that's
what you have so it's scary as hell for
people I don't care what the situation
is if you don't get your relationship
where you want it to be you're going to
be in pain the first of the six human
needs I believe is the need for
certainty think of certainty as the
ability to avoid pain and the ability to
have pleasure
at least to avoid pain because avoiding
pain is a survival instinct it's
hardwired into us to have some level of
certainty just to survive so we need
certainty everybody needs it the only
question is how much of it you think
you've got to have I'll tell you this
the quality of your life is in direct
proportion to the amount of uncertainty
you can comfortably live with the more
uncertain even live with the more you'll
try the more you'll learn the more alive
you'll be the more you got to be certain
about everything unless you have so in
this young lady's case she really wants
certainty that this next relationship
won't hurt her and yet she needs
certainty so how is she gonna get it
well she can do it by being incredibly
intense about the men she's with and
really screening the hell out of them
she screams the hell out of them maybe
they're gonna feel judged and think why
would I want to be around this bitch so
there's many ways to get certainty you
can get certainty by eating when you
overeat all the blood rushes in your
stomach you start breathing again you
can do it by smoking deep diaphragmatic
breath happens you can do it by drugs
you can do it by just looking at your
history and saying you know well I've
always found a way isn't it amazing and
I will again just trusting based on your
history you've always found the way you
can do it through spiritually you can do
it in positive ways neutral ways or
destructive ways because everybody finds
a way to meet their need for certainty
everyone even crazy people everybody
finds a way the only question is are you
gonna find a way that's a way that's
obtainable or sustainable everybody
obtains certainty the question is can
you sustain it and can you do in a way
that sustains you long-term take a
moment to consider what are some of the
ways that you use to get the feeling of
certainty what do you do with your
physiology eat sleep exercise the way
you breathe or stand what do you do with
your focus in order to feel certain do
you have an empowering belief do you
focus on your future or your past when
language patterns do you use are there
phrases you use regularly
if you like pause the film for a moment
and write these down now Robbins will
explain the second human need
uncertainty how many of you in this room
tell me honestly how many of you love
surprise if you didn't say I bullshit
you like the surprises you want the
surprises you don't want you call
problems and you don't want those but
you need them because there are the
things that make you grow see what we
need is variety to be alive we need
stimulation we need the unknown or we
feel dead inside see you can get variety
by doing drugs because variety is just a
change in the state you can get variety
by eating that's why people get addicted
to food because they can get comfort and
ride drugs
comfort and variety you're all bored or
frustrated go smoke it changes your
state variety and your comfortable high
means to my needs interesting you can
also get variety in positive ways like
taking our new challenge setting a new
goal being a variety in the conversation
if someone says life's so boring man I
go no life isn't boring you're boring
could you sit in a room with nothing
else there and have unlimited variety if
you just used your brain yes or no see
variety is available at any moment most
people value certainly more that's why
their life is so boring we tend to pick
of these six we tend to pick one or two
that we value more and it shapes the
direction of our life people are
certainly driven end up with a very
different life than people with a
variety driven what are some of the ways
that you use to meet your need for
uncertainty and variety what do you do
with your physiology with your focus and
with your language now Robbins will
explain the third human need
significance third human need the need
for significance we all have a need to
feel significant to feel important to
feel special to feel unique the word
significance as many different
connotations uniqueness special we all
have the feeling of wanting to be needed
to feel important these are all code
words for significance who has this need
every human being you're ever gonna meet
in your life all of us have it the only
difference is how we go about it
some people try to be significant by
achieving everything some people try to
be significant by breaking through big
problems
some people get significance by having
more earrings and more locations and
you'd want to ever describe some do it
by being unique in their tattoos some by
having a unique hairstyle some people
buy the style of a walk or how they talk
or their humor everybody finds a way to
be unique or special or to feel needed
or to feel important it's a human need
that everyone has even those who deny it
you can get significance in a positive
way a neutral way or a negative way one
of the fastest ways the significance
with strangers is violence if you go up
here to the hood not far from here
and I come up and put a gun to your head
guess what I am instantly significant I
don't need a college education I don't
need to work at it I don't do anything
and I am certain you're gonna respond to
me I've met two of my needs and there's
variety because who knows what's gonna
happen next it's different every time by
the way any time something you do or
believe you associate to that meeting at
least three of your needs you become
addicted to it positive or negative
doesn't matter so if you've got a big
enough problem because there's two ways
to get significance take a huge risk
potentially fail and look like you're
unworthy and worthless and not worthy of
love and face your deepest fear on earth
or have a really big problem you can
share with everybody a significant
problem that's so bad that you can tell
everybody about it and now you don't
ever have to face your fears and you can
feel significant which is the choice
most people may think of a problem that
you have struggled with or a complaint
you have had for an extended time if you
have continued to focus on it without
resolving it odds are that it has helped
you to meet your need for significance
the majority people in the world try to
find big enough problems so that they
never have to beat themselves up for not
being enough or so at least they can
defend themselves against themselves or
other people and they want to know why
they haven't done it it's not that
you're gutless
it's not that you're worthless and
you're not loved it's just this horrible
thing that happened to you funny thing
other people have much more horrible
things and
they've managed to succeed but that
would require a level of truth that very
few people have this young lady in the
middle row here certainly does have a
minute you have that level of honesty
you have the power to change it if we
want to be significant we can do it in
negative ways positive ways you can be a
troublemaker and be significant you can
be a contributor and being significant
how do you get significance do you do it
your business
achievement do you do it by being the
best parent do you do it by the way you
dress they do it by being tough and you
can handle anybody no matter what they
do with you
do you do it by having a really big
problem but you can demonstrate that
will how do you do it
now here's the problem to be totally
significant you got to be totally unique
and different to be totally unique and
different violates your fourth human
need one of the deepest ones the need
for connection and love because the more
different you have to be the less
connected you can be so love or
connection most people settle for
connection because it's a lot less scary
don't put as much out there can't be
hurt as bad so settle for connection
instead of love because love that's a
very scary thing you can get connection
the fastest way to get connection let's
have a problem see go out and do
extremely well and see how many people
are thrilled for you and for how long
most people when they see you succeed
they look and evaluate themselves and
even though you may think they're
phenomenal
they don't think they're phenomenal and
so what they begin to do is feel
insignificant because of your
achievements now they have one or two
choices get out there and face their
risks and kick ass and do something
which takes enormous fear overcoming
enormous fear or tear you down which one
of you thinks faster and easier and more
predictable tear you down you can get
connection by loving someone either
connection by making love you can get
connection by prayer and get connection
by walking through nature you can get
connection by getting really sick and
people coming to want to take care of
you what are some of the ways that you
use to get the feeling of connection do
you get it by giving or by receiving or
both what do you do in order to receive
from others
how do you give love and connection to
others
do you experience love on a regular
basis or do you hold back from love
now Robbins will explain the final two
needs growth and contribution the first
four needs of the needs of your
personality everybody meets them even if
you gotta lie to yourself the final two
you can only mean by really doing
something and the final two is number
five as you must grow in fact if you
don't grow you what you know the answer
you what you die and number six you must
contribute beyond yourself you must
contribute beyond yourself because if
life is just about you I Got News for
you you can make yourself feel pleasure
for a moment because somebody
complimented you or because you made a
certain idea come through you or because
you know some situation you did really
well but that's a temporary pleasure
fulfillment stays with you fulfilment
only comes when you know you've grown
and when you know you've contributed
beyond yourself because life is not just
about us and everything in the universe
either contributes or is eliminated by
evolution these are the primary needs of
all human beings and very few human
beings meet these on a regular basis now
I took a lot of time to do this cuz I
don't want you to be passive with me I
want you to be active so when somebody
stands up I want you to become the
practical psychologist the natural
psychologist who starts to say why are
they doing this oh they're meeting this
need this this need interesting how are
they doing this oh look what they're
doing with their body what can they do
with their language notice what they're
focusing on haha and why look there's
the fear showing up and then notice how
we change it so that when you leave here
you'll have a greater appreciation for
every human being you meet whether it be
your child or there'll be the person you
can't stand and you'll understand why
now
taani would you stand back up
now now tawny you're not feeling too
depressed right now what are you feeling
right now
elated elated ladies and gentlemen and
you look it I notice her smile does she
have a different quality of smile there
yes or now yes now I want to ask you a
question I'd like you now to diagnose
the old pattern because it wasn't you
that you ran I'd like you to tell me the
truth which of these six needs did you
meet by getting depressed and which of
these needs by the way did you meet by
getting pissed off
start with depressed love love how did
you get love by being depressed
well attention from other people that's
love
also trying to caress myself out of it
so giving myself the love - that's right
on a scale from zero to ten how much
love are you getting by being depressed
truthfully I think I vote it was a lot
less than yeah she's seeing it now
through a different state how many
follow this but back then how much did
you associate the ability to get love
zero to ten with being depressed where
would you put it yeah like an eight I
can eight okay which means nine another
reason I saw this because she smiled as
she said hey so closer to a nine but
let's stay with eight just so we can
bullshit ourselves next what other need
have you met in the past by being
depressed feeling significant feeling
significant there we go
wait wait can you give her a hand for
that level of honesty first of all how
did you get a feeling of significance
for having this horrible depression well
when I would get attention from other
people would it signify that they really
cared for me that they really loved me
that's right so if I also how bad was it
I mean how significant was this
depression it wasn't measly asked little
depression it's I can't stop crying
depression right so how how difficult
how significant was it zero to ten a ten
so now we've met her need for love and
an eight really a nine we met our
significance at a ten by having this
problem what other needs were you
meeting by being depressed
stability stability is a big one
certainty how certain were you that you
could get yourself in that stage a 707
okay and how certain were you that you
could be in that state and stay in that
state if you wanted to be zero to ten
ten so she meets her needs for certainty
at a ten her needs for significance at a
ten and love at a nine any time you
associate at least three elements you
become totally addicted to it but she
doesn't just meet him she meets him at
nines and tens if you met him at fives
and sixes you'd get addicted but nines
and tens it's a total addiction if we
don't go any further how many can see
why even though she could feel total
ecstasy joy happiness hopefulness love
at will just as quickly how many can see
why she was always depressed because it
was a way of meeting her had an
addictive level any other needs you were
meeting by getting in this state of
depression things are going a certain
way over and over day after day a
certain way what could you do when you
got depressed rush yes the rush of
depression you guys hear this what is
that rush of feeling all your feelings
right feelings you weren't feeling
before which is known as variety
uncertainty zero to ten how much of a
rush I could go to at ten ten so why
would she be happy when she's got this
unhappiness thing working so well she
gets connection and love she has
significance and she doesn't have to do
anything to take any risk doesn't have
to face anything doesn't have to create
anything she can have a total rush in
her body in fact she can rush herself
the point you can cry uncontrollably
which means really feel again and feel
the feminine side of herself which is
allow herself to just feel but then
that's not very acceptable to stay in
that state long-term because people get
tired you whine an ass all the time so
you need another weapon to show people
that you're not just some wuss and that
you're to be reckoned with because after
a while she gets tired of feeling that
sad feelings after a while it feels
insignificant doesn't it and we
so then we snap into significant
feelings that come from being pissy and
intense I'll whip your ass or what's the
term you gave me earlier
like I'll kick your ass I'll kick your
ass something like I'll kick your ass
that wasn't the first time you've ever
used that phrase was it nice yeah use a
lot so now what we do is we whip
ourselves in this state and which needs
you to meet by being in the state of
I'll kick your ass
well probably all of those two yes
take a moment to review some of your
typical ways of meeting your needs is
there a problem that stands out above
everything else
is it a quality problem a risky decision
that will create progress in your life
and the lives of others or is it a
lingering safe problem that relieves you
from making a risky decision
significance 0 to 10 how sigma you're
pissed off house how certain do you feel
in your body on a zero to ten everybody
how certain ten when you're pissed off
people tend to respond to even if they
don't like you how significant do you
feel ten and by the way you get
connection with people you don't get
love you get connection with people so
now you got three of them met
instantaneously that's why most people
are so angry all the time because it's
their addiction to try to feel
significant when they feel insignificant
so one way to battle your own fear that
you're not enough is get pissed off at
at something or someone or everyone else
so now the only hope for you as a
solution besides awareness is to
humiliate yourself if you go into those
places by realizing I'm being a bitch
and what I'm doing is stealing from my
friends by creating a problem that I
totally could shift this fast they don't
deserve that and I'm not gonna do that
to my own spirit in minutes to find some
new ways to do it like ways like feeling
this hopefulness or this happiness or
this elation by realizing I am growing
and because I'm growing I can pass this
on to my sisterhood or my Brotherhood or
my children I can grow and I can
contribute and that's what you'll be you
for it
because the feelings you're having today
are only so good they only last so long
or they're really last is when it
becomes not about you but it becomes
outside yourself and you on all of its
fulfill but the place that will get you
back is when you get around men
because they're gonna do shit to be
significant it's gonna piss you off
because you know your significant and
you're not going to want to feel
insignificant who here can relate to
this at some level let me see your hands
very nice give her a big hand thank you
very much
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