I'm not really sure how to say this
but...
I've never had sex before.
Yeah, yeah, I'm a 28 year old virgin.
And by the way, I don't care.
I mean it's my choice, but I do feel like people will "virgin shame" me.
I know when other people watch '40-Year-Old Virgin'
they're like "ha ha ha what a funny comedy movie," but for me, when I watched, I'm like, "Oh my god."
"This is the making of my autobiography."
I remember watching with some friends, and I had to awkwardly laugh along. You know? "Hahaha oh my god. How lame are virgins?"
But then on the way home, I sat in the McDonald's parking lot for way too long.
And I was like, "Oh my god,"
"My burger is a bigger Mack than me."
Do you know how hard it is to be a comedian and a rapper while being a virgin?
Yeah in my videos
I make so many sex jokes, and I have to Google the accuracy every single time 'cause I don't know what I'm talking about.
You know? I'll be my videos like "oh my god. Penises. Am I right? They're so...
Stretchy..."
And rap lyrics make no sense to me. Yeah, you know that song by Ice Cube
that's like, "you can do it put your back into it?" Yeah. I don't get it.
I thought the whole time was about lifting a heavy table. I'm like obviously they don't want to pull a muscle.
And I remember when Drake's lyrics came out like, "oh the square root is 69 is 8 something, right? Cuz I've been trying to work
it out.." and everyone's like "Ohhhh!"
And I was like "I don't get it!"
You know, why doesn't he just use a calculator?
It's just, this is also really frustrating because I love
dancing like a ratchet ho. I don't know what it is, I thinks in my blood,
I'm from Scarborough. So, when I'm on the dance floor, bent over booty poppin like "eyy" people like
"Ahh, she's probably a freak in the sheets, eh buddy? All night long, this one in bed." And I'm just like "oh, no!"
No, all night long in bed, I'm just scrolling through Instagram stalking my exes.
Who, by the way, are probably having so much sex after breaking up with me.
And I get really awkward when people even bring up virginity because I don't want them
to judge me. So I've got to go out of my way, so they don't get the wrong idea.
Yeah, when I travel, I've taken like, seven stopovers just to avoid Virgin Airlines.
I've paid extra to fly with Bangkok Airlines,
just so people think I'm getting some.
It's not like I feel that you have to wait until marriage to have sex; that's not it.
I just, haven't found anyone I'm interested in enough or that's hot enough to share...
that many germs with, you know? No, you know, I'm not upset about it because, also when I asked my friends about sex?
They always tell me that Cinnabons are way better anyways. And I have Cinnabons all the time.
So, I'm chillin'. In fact...
I'm gonna go get me some Cinnabons right now.
It was a common thing
Like, I didn't even - the Google auto-correct- I was like
"How to flush stub-" and
"Stubborn Poo" filled.
So it wasn't like, I was like, the only one...
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