Guys, you ever see a photo in the news
and think that headline could be much better?
I'll show you what I mean. It's time for "News and Improved."
♪♪
-♪ News and Improved ♪
-For example, check out this first photo.
The original headline was
"Economy still reeling from shutdown."
The headline could definitely be improved.
'Cause if you only looked at the photo, the headline could have
been "Local man scarfs Klondike Bar in single bite."
-Oh. -See how that works?
-Brain freeze! -"Ugh!"
Check out this next photo. The original headline was
"Sanders and Booker eye presidential runs."
But if you only looked at the photo, the headline could have
been "Old man politely told
dinner buffet won't be open for two more hours."
[ Laughter ]
"What? But I'm hungry now!"
Next headline says "Postal Service raises prices."
Headline could have been "Woman deletes Amazon app
from phone after latest drug order arrives."
Wow. Wow.
This next headline was "Tesla cuts thousands of jobs."
Headline could have been
"Man watching waiter read specials not sure how to react."
[ Laughter ]
Up next, this headline says
"Kamala Harris to run for president."
Headline could have been "Fun aunt discovers CBD oil."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Next headline was "Giuliani makes conflicting statements."
Headline could have been "Uber called for Uncle Gary
after seventh gin and tonic."
-Come on, Gary.
-"You, shut up! I can drive!
I can even make my own drink.
Get out!"
"Give me the keys."
Next headline was "Billionaire investor warns of meltdown."
Headline could have been
"Doctor asks patient to turn head and cough."
[ Laughter ]
-That a ghost doctor? -Yeah.
No, the doctor's not the ghost.
Patient's the ghost. -Patient's the ghost.
Well, he's a doctor to ghosts. -Yeah.
"Ghost Patients." I love that show. Jennifer Love Hewitt.
-Oh, that show's so good. Oh, my God.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, my God. I loved it. -What was the show
where she was a ghost -- -She was a ghost detective.
Wasn't she? She was a ghost? -Was she alive?
-I don't think she was alive. -She was the detective.
She whispered to other people?
She was like ghost whisperer, right?
-But she would whisper to a real live human being.
-Right, and that person could see --
-Michael Landon, I think. -Michael Landon was on it?
Really? -He was the detective.
And she would see things. She's a ghost.
She'd sneak into his bedroom and stuff and tell him secrets.
-So Jennifer Love Hewitt as a ghost
would sneak into Michael Landon's bedroom.
-That's correct. -And tell him secrets
about cases that were unsolved?
-Yeah, about aliens and stuff. -Aliens and stuff?
All sorts of things, not just police work.
-I've only seen previews.
-So you're assuming this is what the show is about?
-Yeah. I'm assuming, yes. "The Ghost Whisperer."
-That was the name of the show? Are you sure even about that?
-I don't even know if that was the name of the show.
-Are you sure it was Michael Landon?
-Maybe she whispered to ghosts? -She whispered at ghosts?
-Maybe. She could see ghosts. She would have full-on --
full-on, like, girlfriend conversations.
-With the ghosts? -Yes.
-Well, 'cause I thought when that movie came out,
I thought it was about a guy who couldn't speak very well.
"Uh, I got to whisper." "Hoarse Whisperer."
-"The Hoarse Whisperer." -Yeah, I thought he was a horse.
-Oh, understood. Oh, I see. You misunderstood the title.
-Yeah, I misunderstood it.
-You thought his throat was hoarse.
-Yeah, then I thought also -- Then I misunderstood, too.
I thought it was about ladies of the evening.
Somebody who could talk to them.
-"The Whores Whisperer."
No, that's not -- -That's not the title?
-This next headline was "Use of robots continues to grow."
Headline could have been "Baby boomers still struggling
to interact with millennials."
[ Laughter ]
-Avocado toast!
-This next headline was
"Trump welcomes college-football champions."
Headline could have been "Man starting to realize
he may have put the wrong date on birthday-party invite."
It's like, "Hmm. No one's here."
Next headline says
"Pelosi delays State of the Union address."
Headline could have been "Dad brings home McDonald's
after Mom spent three hours making lasagna."
"Really?"
And finally, this headline was
"Treasury Secretary meets with billionaire investor."
Headline could have been
"Harry, Hermione, and Ron: Where are they now?"
That's all the time we have for "News and Improved."
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