-Okay, be honest. Were you clapping for me
or are you just trying to get the feeling back in your hands?
Let me know. It is cold.
The whole country is dealing
with this crazy weather right now.
Today, the polar vortex brought the coldest temperatures
in 20 years to parts of the Midwest.
Midwesterners were so upset, they almost started cursing.
They're like, "Gosh darn it! It's flippin' freezing!"
That's right. It was absolutely brutal in the Midwest.
I mean, just check out what officials in Chicago
had to do to keep the trains running.
-In Chicago, it's so cold, they've had to light
the train tracks on fire to keep them from freezing over.
-Wow.
[ Laughter ]
On the bright side, it looks like
Doc and Marty McFly made it back to 1985.
That's good to hear.
[ Cheers and applause ]
At one point, the wind chill in Chicago was negative-49.
Officials were warning people
to cover their mouths when they went outside.
Listen to what else they said.
-Right now, it is so cold outside in Chicago
that you shouldn't talk.
[ Laughter ]
Wait.
That explains why Nancy Pelosi just announced that she's moving
Trump's State of the Union to Chicago.
-Ohh! -Now I get it.
That's why. -Yeah.
-I didn't know why. That's why they're doing it.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And listen to this.
An 80-year-old crossing guard in Iowa said the cold
won't stop him from doing his job.
Then his boss said, "Nothing stops him.
We fired that guy 40 years ago."
"Get lost!"
And all day, newscasters were doing interesting things
to show just how cold it was.
Check out what they did on the "Today" show this morning.
-So, how cold is it?
One man actually turned this super-frozen banana
into a makeshift hammer.
[ Laughter ]
-What? -That's actually footage of
Trump trying to build his border wall.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-"Wall." -"Wall."
He says that while he's doing it?
-"Wall."
-Usually you only hear the phrase "banana hammer"
at a male strip club.
-"Here comes Banana Hammer."
♪ Doo, do-do-do, do-do ♪ -♪ You can't touch this ♪
[ Laughter ]
♪ Please touch this ♪
[ Laughter ]
But the polar vortex has caused
freezing temperatures all across the country,
with wind chills as low as 50 degrees below zero.
Here now to discuss this cold front
is Weather Channel correspondent Tim Bennigan.
Thanks for joining us, Tim.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thanks for having me, Jimmy.
-Absolutely. What can you tell us?
-Well, Jimmy, there's an extreme arctic blast
that has plunged into the Midwest,
creating dangerously cold wind chills.
I can't even feel my banana hammer.
-That -- That sounds very serious there, Tim.
-Oh, it is. It is. I'll tell you what.
If I could have, I would have just called into work
and called in sick, spent the whole day
riding my space heater like a pony.
-I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. What did you say?
-That's right, Jimmy.
Today was also bitterly cold in the Northeast,
with lows in the single digits.
And I cannot stress this part enough, okay?
Do not leave the house unless you absolutely need to buy weed.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I'm sorry. Tim. Wait. What?
-Or the essentials, you know, like water, milk, antifreeze,
or whatever you like to drink.
-You're drinking antifreeze?
-I drank antifreeze.
-Yeah, all right, Tim. Yeah. -These are temperatures
that you don't want to mess around with, Jimmy!
The smart thing for everybody to do
is just pick out the weakest member of your family
and sacrifice that mother [bleep]
to the vortex!
If the vortex is pleased,
then maybe the vortex will show us all a little mercy!
-All right, Tim, I'm so sorry -- -Please, vortex!
-Tim, what is going on? You sound insane.
What happened to you, buddy?
-Jimmy! Jimmy! Aah! -Tim, get it together!
-Aah! -What happened?!
-My bosses -- My bosses thought it was a good idea
to send me out into Chicago for 12 hours
and give these stupid weather updates!
Turns out that's a bad idea. I haven't been right ever since.
Half of my brain is shut down! -Oh, my goodness.
-I mean, look.
I know we live in a 24-hour news cycle. I'm not dumb.
But does me freezing my nads off really count as news?
Oh, here's some news for you.
It's cold out. And I have no balls.
-All right, all right, all right.
Tim. That's fair enough.
-Jimmy, if you just remember one thing,
one thing that I'm telling you, man.
The government controls the weather!
-Okay, I think -- I think we're done here now. I think --
-Jimmy, listen to me. Listen to me!
-I am. -Aah!
Listen! -I am.
-Guess how many tea bags --
hot tea bags I have down my pants right now.
Doesn't matter! Listen, people. Get out there, buy stuff!
Everybody's buying everything off the shelves! Go get it!
Go get Kotex
and go get mirror dancing balls and Nicotine gum.
Whatever you can buy! [Sobbing] Just buy it!
Bye. I gotta go.
I'm gonna go sacrifice myself to the vortex god.
I'm gonna -- Oh, here's a manhole I could go down.
I'm Jimmy Fallon!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I have no...
I have no idea. -What?
-I have no idea.
-Aah!
[ Laughter ]
Aah!
-[ Laughs ]
-Tim, are you okay? -Aah!
-You still there? -Yeah.
The manhole wasn't that deep.
[ Laughter ]
-Are you sure that's not a manhole? Maybe it's a pothole.
-Oh, god damn it! You're right.
You're totally right! You're always right!
-All right. Thank you.
-'Cause you're in league with the vortex!
-Stop -- Don't bring me into the vortex.
-You're in league with the vortex.
You always have been. Goodbye.
-Are you sinking? Is it quicksand?
-Yeah, I'm getting my mouth full of plastic snow!
[ Laughter ]
-No, it's real snow. Tim, that is real -- Tim.
Tim, that -- -Bye.
-Tim, that is real snow. It is freezing.
You're in Chicago. It's freezing. It's real snow.
What are you talking about?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, my gosh.
-[Bleep]
[ Laughter ]
-It's cold out there.
-Yeah, it's freezing out there. -It's freezing.
-Thanks for helping him, dude.
Let's get to some news here.
Today, Trump made headlines when he called
U.S. Intelligence officials "passive and naive."
Yeah. Passive and naive.
It sounds like a buddy-cop show
starring Mike Pence and Donald Trump.
"I'm Passive." "I'm Naive."
-"Wall."
-But Trump's preparing for his State of the Union address,
which is now scheduled for next Tuesday,
just two days after the Super Bowl.
That's two huge events back-to-back,
so we thought it'd be helpful to break both of them down for you.
For example, during the Super Bowl,
people will be watching for unexpected plays.
During the State of the Union, people will be watching Trump
pronounce words in unexpected ways.
[ Cheers and applause ]
"A polar vertex."
-"The poller vertex."
-"A poly vertex."
During the Super Bowl, people at home will take shots
every time their team scores.
During the State of the Union, people at home will take shots
and just keep taking shots.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And finally, during the Super Bowl,
fans will hold up giant foam fingers.
During the State of the Union,
Nancy Pelosi will hold up a different finger.
There's some major differences there.
-Wow.
-But, you guys, the Super Bowl is this Sunday.
And on game day, a marijuana dispensary in Oregon
is delivering pizza and weed.
[ Cheers and applause ]
When they heard that, every Dominos delivery guy was like,
"Oh, please. We've been doing that for years."
And, finally, I heard that soon you might start seeing
personalized TV ads that are based on your habits.
It's fun until you're watching the Super Bowl with friends,
and the Cialis commercial is footage of you in the bathtub.
We have a great show tonight. Give it up for The Roots.
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