today we want to talk to you about the
five stressors that start to stress the
relationship and if you don't deal them
they start to break down damage and some
cases actually destroy a killer
relationship and they're little things
but they add up really quickly so let's
get right to it the first one is loss of
attraction now you think about
attraction a lot of people say well
that's not the basis of relationship but
when you look at a relationship you're
talking about it into the relationship
the only difference during an intimate
relationship and a friendship is
intimacy when that loss of attraction is
there with that energy where you don't
feel desired isn't there its first
affect the relationship and a lot of
times it isn't what you think it is you
know sometimes we as women are so hard
on yourselves you think it's the way you
look or you might think it's your body
you might think it's something else
what tell me how sometimes you know if
there's something on going on in our
life and maybe I'll feel more tension
and you know I'm more of a masculine
mode and a business from a business
perspective and it's amazing in a moment
that polarity can shift in a moment in
vice versa on tone side as well it's
just unbelievable how that shift can
happen in a moment and on the other side
of it it can happen in a moment just to
switch that fire but in that light
switch back on exactly right
instantaneous I mean it's like magic or
a woman who goes from being tight and
controlling it I'm asking - letting go
and being truly free and the turanians
closed so attraction can change in
seconds what really is important though
is if you consistently feel like there's
a lot of attraction in the relationship
it changes your filter on each other's
behaviors and it goes to the second
stressor now all of a sudden with a loss
of attraction there's an increase in
irritation there's innovation yes people
start to get during often where they get
emotionally stacked like little things
start to bug them in a worse case they
get to stonewalling so we'll give you an
example there's four R's that we talked
about that actually this came out of a
couple of our friends of both
relationship experts who got divorced
but they learned from that experience
and they both are trying figure out what
destroyed the relationship and you're
sharing with us and they said well the
first thing is there's an initial
resistance you know where somebody says
something or somebody does something
your partner doesn't you're like oh you
know which they wouldn't do that but you
don't say anything because you know it's
not
not that big a deal but if you don't
deal the resistance level and you don't
always call it speaking in spoken if you
don't speak the unspoken and you don't
speak that resistance then that
resistance becomes annexed and it
becomes a little bit deeper which is the
resentment and all of these unspoken in
the anchors and the stacking they all go
deeper yeah and what happens when it
starts to become a resentment the way
you kind of know that as you start going
why does the or why does she always have
to tell that story or you know why is he
always late or she always late and why
do we have to go through this but you
still don't necessarily say much of that
and you're feeling emotions and you just
wake up in the morning feel a torch and
you don't even know where it came from
it's just that built up what it was
resistance is that you do know by the
way the resistance is means just in your
stuff but the fact that you didn't come
and say gosh honey I and those my stuff
that I was very active saying it's not
you but it's going to tell you I got a
shift this or would you help me with
this if you just talk about it's
different but if you don't that
resistance turns and resentment if that
resentment isn't dealt with it starts to
show up as rejection that's when
somebody starts going why do you always
do that or the you know when you
overreact to somebody you're not
reacting to this moment you're reacting
the fact that happened again in your
mind
and so people by the way when you start
rejecting them or being really overly
harsh they don't know why you're doing
this and so then they feel really
wounded they tend to then reject you
back and it spirals anymore ez8 that
happens or the rejection of Jayla I'm
out of here
and you know P in that space there's
words that are spoken that it's just
there's that emotional charge now we're
getting in deep and you're getting a
level with a level of charge and
honestly toxicity in the relationship
that you don't want and we so stay in
our relationship just with these once
again it's the awareness and once you
have this awareness you can see where
you are it's like tuna and feeling
resistance right now that you can speak
that unspoken and you don't get to level
three and four difficulty expressing her
resistance but the great thing seriously
is we both tease we have people play
fights where she'll sitting in army or
during the middle time to reminisce or
I'll do it same thing with her but we do
it not from a harsh price exactly and
then it gets the energy out and then you
don't build it up so there is a fourth
level but we're out of time so we'll see
you tomorrow seriously really the last
unfinished
is when you get to a place where now
you're oppressing in other words
resistance grew to resentment resentment
got yourself to a point of rejection
where you're kind of being harsh with
each other
some people get targetting harsh with
each other and they just surrender just
numb that's right they go into what we
call learned helplessness where it's a
fight not going to get any better so it
is and those times very often with other
couples meet them don't see how those
guys are best friends
great you're sure I can't remember they
never fight honestly that's the first
thing they never the factory never buys
a little clue right there nine because
what they do is they lower their
expectation for the relationship and
they start still enough through their
work or through their kids or to
shopping or do something else and what
happens that relationship is it's really
dead um or maybe it's a decent
friendship but usually friends with
anybody again you can't be intimate with
anybody so we're this our whole thing is
about love and passion not settling for
one of the other I take it up a notch
and so breaking the pattern these four
R's is really critical we're going to
come back to step three or the third
fourth and sixth stressor but we really
will do that tomorrow so join us back on
the blog tomorrow until then have a
passion yesterday we talked about the
first two real stressors in relationship
the loss of attraction and how we start
losing that attraction start to fill
that filter you look at each other
differently experience exactly it's not
getting increased irritations
frustrations maybe where you get the
point we start to motion to stone wall
we talked about before ours and also
though resistance and living in the
world of unsaid which reach to the
rejection and ultimately repressions
that's right so today we want to bring
up the last three the third one is when
somebody you've got lots of attraction
and it may start feeling irritations or
listen this rejection or depression the
anger puts people in a place where it's
hard to really feel intimacy now some
people get angry and they get intimate
as a way to change the state which isn't
a bad thing
obviously it can be quite useful but
when you stop feeling understood when
you start feeling like your partner
doesn't know who the hell you are or you
feel like they're rejecting you anyway
you don't want to open yourself up to
you know trying to be intimate many
times because you think they're just
going to shut you down it's going to go
nowhere and so the third stage is a loss
of physical passion it's crazy because
in this space sometimes meanings get
made up and you know your partner might
think that you're punishing them when
really you're just feeling uncertain or
you're feeling not understood
and there's all these unknowns that
happen in this space that were just
really if you can if you had a lover one
number two you won't never get to number
three and also if either partner has a
greater desire for physical passion than
the other and then they start to use it
as leverage in the relationship like you
know I'm going to punish you I'm not
going to be intimate I take the garbage
out then it will have sex whatever
whatever strategy people use people do
weird crazy things with each other the
problem that is that produces even more
resentment that makes the person it you
know you can't punish your partner
without punishing yourself you know
anytime you try to pull back love or
you're not going to be as warm as
connected and you think that's making
them change all it does is it's a sense
of rejection and it reduces Meli's
physical passion but emotional passion
it destroys intimacy it does I think
this is such a great time to remember as
well it's so easy for us to look at our
partner and all of these dresses are
honestly about ourselves
it's about ownership within yourself
about how you're showing up in a
relationship whether you're speaking the
unspoken whether you're vulnerable and
open to not get to level three if you do
get to this third level very often you
get to a point of learned helplessness
because if you really like wanting to
others so much and you start to connect
but you don't do the same level of
intimacy you might even have great sex
but you're not going to same depth or
you might have an afterwards and
somebody's resentful if you get the
point you feel like you can't please
your partner because they're holding
back that becomes a learned helplessness
where now you just begin to get to the
final fourth stage final book fourth or
fifth stages and that as you start to
feel a loss of commitment we're also the
partners going like they don't know me
they don't really they're not committed
to me you know they're not here for me
so I'm not there for them and now your
energy goes somewhere else you may not
physically follow through with another
human being but all of a sudden you
start to take in the energy and other
people who might find you attractive or
you're in a happy state with them you're
not pissed off at them and so they see
you happy and they respond well to you
and commitment starts to break down in a
relationship the relationships near the
death rattle stage and it's really
airing nearing its end if you don't do
something turn around oh by the way you
can take this and reverse the whole
thing you can increase the commitment
you can bring back the physical passion
you can get rid of the irritation you
can bring back the attraction in a
matter of minutes but you got to be able
to identify what's really going
this is a great place fear if you're
listening to this right now are watching
this right now to say to put both feet
in the door you know and commit and
commit yourself this is what I want I
want this passion I love my partner and
where I'm in you know we had a metaphor
in the very beginning of our
relationship about we went for a little
car ride we actually drove to
universityõs and I looked at town and I
said honey I said I'll never get out of
this car
and what are we going to make it but the
metaphor was just is just we run here
you know we're never going to leave this
place so there's never the threat of you
know one foot in the door one foot out
the door and I think that's crucial so
if you've had those dealt in your
relationship this is a time just really
to get clear with that and commit and by
the way if you don't do that you'll end
up in the final cut there and that is
where you have a story of
incompatibility it would be the nicest
term for it the story is my partner to
give a damn or they're wrong for me oh
we never should have been together or I
can't live like this or they're a
selfish but up and up and up fill in the
blanks right and once you start building
that story there's there's a process
that people doing a seminar over out
there I'll say I want you all right now
take a test or two look around the room
is faster cameras behind you everywhere
and find the color brown and they all
look around right I say okay close your
eyes can see everything but I'm going
around here better they close your eyes
I'll say okay now tell me everything you
saw in that room that was red and you'll
see the people kind of laugh and I'll
see how many of you saw how much more
Brown than that they all raise their
hand and say okay now look for red this
time and they look and they look at me
look how many so much more men decide
everybody raise their hand so why is buy
more understand if you're looking for it
seek and you shall find well here's
what's really interesting you're flying
Brown even when it's not there cuz once
you have a story about your partner that
they don't care they don't love you
they're not committed to me whatever the
story is once you believe it you find
evidence to make it true and here's how
you do it how do you find Brown that's
not there well if you did this exercise
you looked around right now looked
everything for brown close your eyes and
I said okay open your eyes they're the
same thing with a Brad I'd say okay how
many of you saw based up and called it
brown just to feel successful everybody
raise their hand and giggles how many
saw a burgundy and called it red just to
go successful we will color things to
get to meet our story to meet our
expectation even if the expectation is
negative so
you got to be so careful about the story
you create about yourself I'm not enough
and I'm not strong enough beautiful
enough whatever enough or the one that
you have about your partner and if
you're single and you say well it's all
stuff but you know what does this matter
well you're single you give me attracted
anybody in the beginning you're single
you don't tend to be irritated too
quickly but if you're going to have
sustained physical passion if you have a
relationship that lasts you got to get
to commitment and you got to develop a
story my story in our relationship for
me personally if something makes me so
emotional I feel like all the good I've
ever done how millions of people that I
get to experience the joy people sharing
with me over my life because I got this
girl that's like that was my karma my
karma was I got the ultimate joy because
I gave the millions of people this is
the ultimate prize and that story to me
it's not a story it's what I really
believe is true and so it makes me
grateful every day I you just have a
story of how am i trapped in this
situation now how do I let myself get
stuck here in a totally different
relationship I was in so your story
defines the way you think the way you
feel and it defines your relationship as
you can tell we love love and it's
Valentine's week this week and I think
it's just a perfect time to realize that
you can rewrite your story you can
rewrite your story in your relationship
and in your lives and we're just really
excited to share these points with you
because they've just been so impactful
in our own relationship and we hope that
you won't just get inspired think about
these love you'll do a few things and
take a few action so maybe when you turn
this off think about what is the story I
have about my relationship and I don't
have one the only reason you don't have
what you really want is the story keep
telling yourself about why you can't
have it okay again if you don't have the
relationship you want you don't mean
keeping you from having it as a story
keep telling yourself about why you
can't have it the good one here bought
and I'm not enough I'm too busy later
we're not working so hard what's the
story that's keeping you from the ideal
and what's the story or the narration
that you need to move yourself forward
that would be our tip for the day
[Music]
you
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