(imitation of theme from "Walking Dead")
- [Narrator] Rick Grimes is tied up in his underwear
and he has these Trash People right where he wants them.
He's giving them one last chance,
set him free now and he'll barely murder all of you.
Jadis counters by showing him how goofy he looks,
snapping photos in the zombie apocalypse,
and because there's almost certainly
no film in that broken camera,
they've got a guy drawing what I can only assume
to be a very bad 10 second sketch
of Rick's scantily clad dad bod.
Did Rick really just ask why they're taking pictures?
Really dude, you're gonna ask that?
She's going to use them to sculpt you, Rick.
Ask a stupid ass question, get a stupid ass answer.
Eugene is certifiably stumped right now.
How stumped is he?
He's making a list of what he knows
what he doesn't know, and what he doesn't know wholly,
and he doesn't know any of it.
If this list was the SATs,
Eugene's not even getting the freebie points
for accurately filling in his name.
Dwight makes a compelling whisper argument
to get Eugene on his side.
"Hi folks, what a wonderful crowd.
"Hey, what's the deal with when your face skin burns?
"It stinks, and it doesn't smell too great neither.
"All right, don't forget to tip your waitress,
"that's my time."
Then he tells Eugene he doesn't have blood
on his hands yet, but will soon.
Gee, I wonder when that will pay off?
Eugene is acting like he was born into this,
and has a "Savior Life" tattoo across his stomach,
even though he showed up two minutes ago as a prisoner,
and only stuck around for the pickles.
All right later Dwight, Eugene's got a big day ahead of him
of CAO, that's creating acronym options,
and BFLs, which stands for blank fucking list.
Father Gabriel is not looking so hot
because he did the zombie guts thing
that nobody ever does and it made him sick,
which is great, because it explains why
nobody ever does the zombie guts thing,
but it feels like the only reason they wrote
this season eight storyline is because
we've been asking for seven seasons,
"Hey, why does nobody ever do the zombie guts thing?"
Eugene handles this situation with grace,
by standing over a dying man
and talking about why it's his own fault he's lying there.
Hang tight, Eugene, Dr. Genius has to run to the market
to grab some cilantro to rub
on Father Gabriel's failing kidneys.
Okay, let's see if Eugene warms up
now that it's just the two of them.
- You look like a potato and shit casserole.
- [Narrator] Nope, he's doubling down.
Now he's telling a dying priest that God is bullshit.
Wow, he's going for the high score
of not giving a rat's ass,
and Eugene has blood on his hands,
not a metaphor, actual blood on his actual hands
five seconds after Dwight talked about it.
Shit, that is lazy writing.
Oh no, Eugene is drinking just to get to sleep now?
Speaking form personal experience,
but if you do that more than five or six times a week,
you've got a serious drinking problem
you should probably deal with eventually,
but, like, definitely not until the holidays are over,
and then there's New Year's obviously.
Get it under control by mid-January maybe?
That feels realistic.
I like that this lady I do not recognize
has to take two minutes to remind us
about some crap that happened with her character a year ago
because nobody remembers what happened
with her character a year ago.
Shit, that is even lazier writing.
Guys, what's with all the questions?
Everything is going perfectly according to plan
and will certainly result in victory
and Daryl wants to jeopardize all of it
just to crash a truck into a wall.
Plus, Morgan is going crazy.
Let's not overthink this.
When it feels right, it's right,
and sometimes, when it feels incredibly wrong,
like right now, maybe it's right also.
There's only one way to know for sure
and it's not be talking about it.
Ugh, now Tara's making us remember
that garbage ocean-side episode from last season,
and for that reason, Rosita is out.
Negan wants Eugene to know he appreciates
just how big and strong his spongy brain is,
which means he's going to be that much more upset
about bashing it in with a bat in 30 hours
when they run out of Diet Pepsi, yikes.
This hand-whatever you want to call it
certainly could have gone better.
I mean Negan, that is definitely not
how you go in for a handshake,
and Eugene, if my boss goes in for a handshake
and I accidentally try to kiss it,
there's only one professional way to handle that situation.
Jump out the fucking window and kill myself.
Welcome to season eight of The Walking Dead,
AMC, we also know drama, and we're pretty sure
it's watching a sad man fix a boom box
then wander around a warehouse
with a head light set to tense music.
It's almost like they're fucking with the audience,
but they're not, they're just fucking the audience.
How did nobody grab Sasha's old iPod from the coffin?
It's a deadly weapon, you could use that heavy shit
to bludgeon someone to death.
Michonne is having second thoughts.
It's as if she's suddenly realized
she's in the middle of Rick and Daryl's
insane action movie ts been unfolding all season,
and women who aren't white don't have a great shot
of living to be around for the credits
in those kind of movies.
Michonne tries in vain to talk a crazy redneck
out of crashing a truck into a wall
with no real thought to the consequences.
Save your breath, Michonne,
this was always his redneck destiny.
Eugene knows that the key to success
is believing in yourself,
which is why he says this will be successful,
but a slightly bigger key to success
is not letting a man with a gun sneak up behind you.
Dwight tries to remind Eugene about his friends.
Eugene says he doesn't even know those dudes,
then reminds Dwight about the time he bit his penis.
Dwight shoots his tiny model plane out of the sky,
because the biggest key to success
is having a plan that isn't stupid as hell.
Daryl coming in hot, because you know any scheme
that involves putting a cinder block on a gas pedal
and jumping out of a moving truck
has the level of precision that means quality results.
Wow, there are a lot of zombies coming in,
and it looks like, contrary to Daryl's beliefs,
these zombies didn't get the face chart
clearly outlining who is and isn't a bad guy
within these walls.
Eugene is gonna need a whole lot of giggle juice
for nighty-night nap time after this horror show.
Eugene makes Father Gabriel's last moments on Earth
as awful as possible by bursting into his room
and yelling at his dying ass,
with every weird word, alliterated phrase,
and number combination he can think of.
Father Gabriel prays for his ears to fall off
from infection before Eugene can come back.
Eugene tells Negan about his plan to get
the Saviors out of this mess,
and almost spills the beans about Dwight,
and all of this pressure is pushing him
to drink alone while the sun is still out
until he throws up in the sink.
Wow Eugene, I mean, I'm gonna say it again.
You really need to get your drinking under control,
soon, but not too soon, because after New Year's,
you've got Valentine's Day, and that can be brutal,
then there's Saint Patrick's Day in March,
but somewhere between Coachella in April
and Cinco de Mayo in Mayo,
you really need to get this drinking under control.
Rick Grimes wastes no time completely wrecking
all these Trash People with his stick of justice,
then pinning Jadis's stupid face
next to a still munching zombie head,
but to really hit them where it hurts,
Rick talks shit about their dumb games and sculptures,
and because the Trash People value nothing more
than their dumb games and sculptures,
they finally give in to Rick's sweaty demands.
They agree to play ball,
but they've got a few demands of their own.
When this is all over, Jadis wants to sculpt Rick naked
because seriously, there's nothing these Trash People
value more than their dumb games and sculptures.
Okay cool, let's take the Trash People
to see what's going on at The Sanctuary.
Think they'll be very impressed.
Hmm, one of the lookouts has been brutally killed?
None of the snipers are reporting in?
They're probably all just goofing.
"We work hard, we goof hard," that's the motto.
Rick decides to go for a quick rifle climb
to see just how hard they're goofing.
"Dear God, they ain't goofing none at all."
Tune in next week.
What was Eugene's mysterious plan
to get rid of all the walkers?
He started talking fast and loud
over the newly repaired intercom,
and five seconds later, all the zombies
got the fuck out of there.
Will Father Gabriel survive?
Yes, but after hearing Eugene babble over the intercom,
he's going to wish he was dead.
What major character will Negan kill?
It's the mid-season finale,
so they'll probably cut away as he swings Lucille
and make us wait until February to find out.
None of this and more
next time on the Walking Dead.
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