- [Narrator] Ba-da-da-da-da, ba-da-da-da-da, brah.
Ricky G. on the mic, one-two, one-two.
I need all the lookouts to keep their eyes open
for another time jump right now.
Thank God we get to hear the end of this conversation
that already had an end and was bad the first time.
I love that after everything Rick went through
to get them on his side, the trash people bailed
the second things go south.
If only there was some way for Rick
to know they're garbage.
Oh, right, they literally live in a pile of trash.
Carl is a big boy now with his big boy pants,
which is why he's ready to step up.
Do what needs to be done, and pick strawberries
with Negan if that's what it takes.
If that's what it takes for what, Carl?
Goddamn strawberry pancakes.
Still don't believe Carl's a big boy?
Check out his very manly stubble
in this montage of face closeups set to weird music.
I did not like this montage of face closeups
set to weird music.
Aaron and Enid are on the road going somewhere.
I forget what they're up to.
Everyone is pairing up and going places this season,
and I simply cannot be expected to keep track
of all these pairings and goings.
Oh, they're going to Oceanside.
That should end well.
Real friendly folk there.
Enid says she's a better driver than Carl,
but that's not saying much considering
he inherited his skills from Lori.
Great call grabbing booze for the Oceanside gals.
Hope they have Mimos at that distillery.
Gals love Mimos.
Judith is still on the show I guess.
If you ever find yourself saying something worked
over and over, it didn't work.
You're just trying to convince yourself it worked,
but it certainly did not work.
It was a disaster and you blew it,
and you can't undo what's been done,
and our relationship worked, Samantha.
Do you hear me?
Do you watch these, Samantha?
Our relationship worked, and I think we should
give it another shot.
Just please unblock my phone number
and let's give it another shot.
Carl's new blog, I see what you did there sucks
and I'm so glad he doesn't have access to the internet
to upload this blog for more people to see.
Wow, thanks for reminding me of Enid's awful mantra.
Almost made it out of 2017 without having diarrhea.
Close one.
When did Enid and Aaron decide to turn their nice gift
into a woods trap.
Well, I'm sure when someone from Oceanside shows up,
they'll shoot Grandma?
What the shit, Enid?
You killed Grandma.
Merry fucking Christmas.
Carl is about to introduce Michonne
to his Ninja Turtle friend when Negan shows up.
He wants everyone to know he's pissed,
but also polite, and he's about
to seriously fuck shit up right after one more face montage.
This time it's a driving edition.
You know, they really have shown a lot
of driving and face montages this season.
It's mostly just driving and faces.
If you take every scene from season eight so far
with driving face montages or a character who talks weird,
it would just be the opening credits
eight times in a row.
Jerry gets sideswiped by Lori's ghost.
Because her driving is so bad,
it doesn't adhere to the rules of time,
space and mortality.
Jerry's note is amazing, a literary marvel.
He uses majesty, bounce, flake and deuces.
It's like Zeke is playing Words With Friends
with Jesse Pinkman.
If a tree falls in the woods,
and Maggie wasn't around to see it,
these guys are majorly boned right now.
I've got a bad feeling about this.
It just got a whole lot worse.
Now that I'm lookin' at Jerry, no.
Oh, no, they did not do Jerry like that.
Anyone but Jerry.
I respect that Negan is willing to give points
to whoever can deliver the most creative apology.
May I be so bold as to suggest a haiku?
Sorry about the ass ton of walkers we just dropped
at your doorstep.
Shout out to everyone who counted on their fingers
while reading that.
This is the best, and only, recap of a zombie TV show
that encourages the audience to count along
on their fingers.
Negan's trying his hand at an open mic,
and while his material is not great,
I guess you have to start somewhere.
Why is Carl suddenly talking like Batman.
I'm not buying it.
Only one of his parents are dead.
- Kill me.
- [Narrator] I'm sorry, what was that, Carl?
Negan, please, please do it.
Please do it, Negan.
Negan, please, just cut his hair a little with Lucille.
But, it was all a trick to help the gang escape
through the back.
- Is that just a play?
I thought we were havin' a moment, you little asshole!
- [Narrator] And I'm with Negan on this one.
I also thought they were having a moment,
and I was wrong, and that's okay.
But, seriously, Negan, go kill Carl.
Carl makes sure to grab his hat.
Nice move, genius.
Then sets off some smoke bombs not dissimilar
to ones you can buy in the supermarket
around the Fourth of July.
Yeah, that'll help.
Anyone else think Alexandria is blowing up
a little too easily?
I must have missed the episode
where they planted grenades in the garden,
or built the church doors out of dynamite,
then put gasoline on the outside of their cars.
Oh, no, that's definitely going to singe
one of Carl's seven facial hairs.
Come on, dude.
Really?
Nobody but her sees Zeke hiding right there?
I don't even think that's technically considered hiding.
Maybe they're just all used to seeing him with a tiger.
I guess I can see how if you're only used
to seeing a guy with tiger, he's basically invisible
without the tiger.
Simon shows Maggie he means business
by killing a random dude I'm not even sure
is a character on the show.
I'm pretty sure that's a sound guy
who just didn't know he was in the shot.
Eugene is drinking alone at night,
haunted by the decisions that brought him here,
and it's super sad, and also super relatable.
And the fact that it's so relatable
only makes it sadder.
Tara and Darryl keep saying it isn't their fault,
like it's not their fault
when it's so completely their fault.
It's exclusively their fault.
Everything would be fine right now, smile city,
if they didn't fuck it all up for no discernible reason.
Sound familiar, Samantha?
Call me, I miss you so much.
Damn, Carl really thinks he's Batman
with this bullshit or maybe he thinks he's a Ninja Turtle.
Maybe he thinks he's some kind
of Teenage Mutant Ninja Batman hybrid,
and that's honestly the coolest thing I can imagine.
Shit, is that a show?
I would much rather watch
the Teenage Mutant Ninja Batman Show.
Sound off in the comments.
I read all your comments.
If you would also rather be watching
the Teenage Mutant Ninja Batman Show.
Eugene always brings innovative solutions to problems.
How do you quietly wake someone up in their sleep?
Easy, just miss them which is virtually silent
until that person wakes up and screams.
What the fuck is that?
Did a ghost just jizz in my eyes?
Between his ghost jizz alarm clock,
and making a guard catastrophically crap his khakis,
Eugene did more in one night
than I got done in all of 2017.
Carol did not seem to really mind saying goodbye
maybe forever to Zeke.
No, please don't go or whatever, I guess, byeeeee
Maggie's mad as hell and she's ready to shoot this dude
like he's somebody's grandma.
She lets this guy know cupcakes can be deadly,
something I'm very familiar with because I have diabetes.
Okay, time to write Simon a letter on this coffin.
Have a great summer, stay cool.
Signed Maggie, not Margaret, Rhee.
Give him back his vest, Dwight.
You're getting traitor blood all over it, by the way.
It is so cute that Darryl wants that vest
with angel wings back because it is just
all around a very bad vest.
You know things are bad when Rick
is just whispering Carl.
Negan hits pause on spaghetti to tussle,
and it's a classic tussle complete
with a very rare occurrence
of Negan getting hit with his own bat.
Rick makes a clean getaway by backwards somersaulting
out of one of the last windows in Alexandria,
then power jogging down the block.
The gang's all here, ready to start their new life
living in a place that smells almost
as bad as season two.
Time for another montage with face closeups
with weird music.
These montages of face closeups with weird music
are straight ass, 100% booty.
And I really hope they stop doing them very soon forever.
Wow, it finally happened.
They finally killed Carl.
This is so sudden.
I barely have time to buy any confetti or balloons.
This is definitely the biggest character death
on the show, and they handled it poorly, like super bad.
I mean guess it's from a zombie bite
that happened off-screen last episode.
And he got it because he was saving that random dude Siddiq,
and they decided to creep up on some zombies
to pay tribute to Saddiq's mom.
Like, what the fuck?
And he's just been shown with a tummy bite all day
writing in the stupid-ass blog
trying to grow a mustache?
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but Carl deserved better and so do the fans of this show.
This is the part of the recap where I remind you guys
that mid-season finales are a scam.
They're done by the network to spread programming
out over a calendar year to balance quarterly ad revenue.
This mess started by splitting up
Breaking Bad's final season,
and we've all just been asked to accept it ever since.
But, not me, not this dude.
I will always be the voice that says
mid-season finales are total bullshit,
and this is no exception because they easily
could have shown Carl dying in this episode.
They had time for seven face montages.
But now, they're dragging the moment out to February
so they can get another spike in ratings
from people who want to be a part of a pop-culture moment
and sell more commercials at a premium price
with no thought or respect to the fans
who will watch the show regardless
which is why the ratings this season
are at an all-time low.
Suck my ass in the rain with this nonsense.
Do better, AMC, do better.
People will watch if you just do better.
Tune in next time.
What will happen to Enid and Aaron?
They're going to take turns being Grandma at Oceanside.
It's a tough job, but someone's got to do it.
Will Maggie ever deliver her baby?
I'm not sure she's even pregnant.
I think she just had a super-big burrito
for lunch one day.
The symptoms can be very similar.
Did Carl really die?
Not yet, but he will in the next episode
when the first scene is Rick and Michonne
trying to cut out a chunk of his stomach.
None of this and more next time on The Walking Dead.
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