Hey, Dan here and in this video we're answering the question about how you can
find your own happiness and essentially ignore your friends or find a way to be
understood by your friends. I get asked questions around this theme a lot from
enfps and INFP is about, you know, all my friends think differently than me and I
feel like I don't fit in or how do I explain to people that I think
differently than them this sort of common theme here
and the first thing I'm going to say is stop false advertising so think about it
if you're pretending to be like your friends right if you're an ENFP it's
pretty easy usually to be like the social chameleon for some extent right
some period of time and pretend to be something you're not
so if you're pretending you're certain way because you're trying to fit in then
it's not going to create good results for you because you're going to attract
the people who are interested in being friends with the fake you not the real
you and the people who might actually want to be friends with the real you may
be the you know more creative people or the more entrepreneurial people or
whoever that is for you they're not going to be drawn to you because you're
pretending to be someone you're not right now unfortunately the way we're
wired as human beings is to want to be part of a tribe and to want to be
accepted this is why being rejected sucks so much
right thousands of years ago if you were rejected by your tribe you were probably
eaten by lions or gorillas or I don't think girl eating people but whoever
eats people back in the day would eat you because you'd be alone and you
needed that tribe to survive and that's why we're wired so strongly to want to
be accepted by our social group and our peer group in the modern world this is
not necessarily as beneficial because we grow up in generally quite conformist
you know groups and that can be on either side you know if you have really
open minded crazy liberal parents and they send you off to Montessori well
then everyone around you might have that kind of crazy whatever view and then
you're likely to want to conform to that and maybe you're actually wired to be
more of a conservative person similarly if you grow up in more of a conservative
family which may be more my audience here where you have a more conservative
peer group and you're not that kind of conservative person and you're feeling
like you don't fit in you don't want to you know be a lawyer
or get a typical nine-to-five job or whatever that is then you're going to
have this desire to fit in and be part of that group but on the same note
you're not like that so it can be really confusing it can be tough I want you to
think about it this way let's imagine back in the day you were in a tribe of
50 people right that means that if you break down sort of the averages for
personality types that you're gonna have like three or four or maybe like two or
three ent Jays a bunch of is DJ's isfps for those of you not familiar with
myers-briggs I sound like crazy person right now I get it
but you might be the only ENFP or INFP in that group and that's a good thing
that most likely served an evolutionary function where you were able to bring
your own talents to the group and we're really appreciated for that keep in mind
like does not always like the same right like does not like like meaning like
yeah if you are like for instance a personality type that's quite different
to an ENFP or an INFP would be the ENTJ they're more discipline they're usually
going after status success very driven take a lot of responsibility they tend
to love enfps and there's a very good relationship there same with infps in
terms of friendships business partnerships relationships and they
don't like enfps because we pretend to be an ENTJ they appreciate the
differences and there's an admiration for what each other can do and so if
you're trying to change who you are and conform to the group you're actually
doing the group a disservice because you are wired to be different I'm gonna
argue that you are wired to be different to bring your gift to whatever group
you're in that could be your classroom that could
be your fraternity that could be your business that could be your family
whoever the group is that you're having issues basically being different then
forget it bring your gift and you're going to actually be appreciated by them
if you own it and you be then tick and you just be yourself then
they're going to be able to appreciate those differences and ultimately the
more you be you the more you be yourself the easier it is for people to
appreciate you and to have authentic friendships right if you're not sure who
you are yet and you're sort of in the middle and you don't take stands on
anything or that it's harder for people to develop those really authentic
friendships because people don't know where you stand and there isn't that
same level of honesty think about it if you had a friend that you could tell was
always sort of holding back part of themselves and always worried if you
were judging them and all that would you really trust that person even because
you know there's an under layer there under layer underlying something
something's going on under the surface they're where they are you know hiding
something thinking on different levels they're thinking on a level beneath the
surface they're thinking about what they're presenting to you that's not a
good base for building a really authentic trustworthy friendship right
and so the more you can just be comfortable with yourself and put it out
there the more you're going to build really strong relationships
now the problem how the hell do you do that I get that right and this is one of
the reasons that I am a big fan of travel aside from you know exotic
locations people delicious food and all this travel allows you to break out of
your patterns and change yourself and help you become more of yourself and
it's not just travel but what I would say is that when you're in a group let's
say you have the same friend from high school and you've been friends with
these seven people or you're really close and you have a big family and
you're all close it's tough to break those patterns so if you've been
behaving a certain way when you were 13 14 15 16 people expect you to keep
behaving that way and other people's expectations of us is one of if not the
biggest influence on our behavior say that again because it's pretty
interesting is the way other people expect us to
behave is the biggest influence on how we behave and keeping this in mind - if
you're a parent or a boss you can use this as a parent or
boss strategy to you know adjust people's behavior right people adjust to
what is expected of them and so if you have these groups where they have
certain expectations of you and you're not really that person now or you want
to change who you are I would really recommend creating some distance you
could do this if you're younger you could do this by going away to college
in another city you could do this by traveling you could just do this by
adjusting your social groups when I realized that I really wanted to be
entrepreneurial and do my own thing a lot of my really close friends were
going more the traditional roots of like law medicine that sort of thing and I
made the you know somewhat conscious decision to seek out entrepreneurial
friends because that would help me one have people I could relate to in terms
of starting your own business and different life goals and also it helped
me be someone new because I didn't have those exact same you know ties I didn't
have those same patterns and it allowed me to in some ways not necessarily
reinvent myself but definitely adjust myself and and change a bit of who I was
and then once that was really comfortable in that new me the new me
then it was easier to go back to you know friends family whoever else because
I was already grounded in this role and I wasn't going to be you know pulled
back away from it necessarily I think we if you're older and you're watching this
and by older I mean anyone like 30 or over you probably know that when you go
home to visit your parents and hopefully you don't still live at home if so watch
some of my other channels on or videos on earning money and getting your life
together but hopefully you don't live at home that you will notice that when you
do go home just being with your parent can change your behavior you sort of go
back to some things you did more as a child or maybe be less less decisive
less commanding maybe the the qualities that you developed as you've grown up
you lose those when you go back with your parents or temporarily so creating
this distance again I talked about going away for school for me new friend groups
moving all this can really help with this
create that distance give yourself a chance to be really authentic with new
people and form that identity more and then you can figure out with your you
know older friends family and all that how those relationships jive and you may
find that certain people don't really accept it you may also find something
that I found is that well I've been growing and changing so have a lot of
those friends through our own sort of separate journeys and then when we get
together later a few years after it's like oh we both sort of developed these
different views that are still complimentary we still get along really
well and you may find some friends where you just don't in those relationships
will die and that's what happens in life right you don't have to be friends with
everyone you've been friends with your whole life so if I can leave you with
anything from this video it's the importance of becoming yourself of
learning to be really authentic accepting yourself and then sharing that
person with the people around you I don't want to sound all new agey and
she's a year but the more you're yourself life is so much easier you
attract people who accept you and like you for you you don't have to waste
energy putting up a front and you'll end up making some really great
relationships with people who are on the same page or on a totally different page
but appreciate you for you so that is where I'd leave you at just if you do
anything different it's put more energy into being yourself which ultimately
you'll then have to spend less energy overall because you just be yourself
it's pretty easy right thanks for watching if you haven't already
subscribed to the channel please do so I publish new videos at least once a week
on psychology personality types entrepreneurship and life design thanks
for watching
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