people will stop me all the time ask me
these different questions but most
people have any question like what does
it take to get rich and happy instantly
with no effort some version of that
question and I'll usually look at them
and say do you really want to know who
are you just asking and when I say that
you seem kind of freeze for a moment
like you may tell me and I might have to
work but I really want to tell you what
I really believe it takes to be rich and
happy now most people think rich is just
money but I know a lot of people have a
lot of money in their broke how the
people have a lot of money they're very
rich that richness is a sense of
fulfillment a lot of people have quote
succeeded supposedly on the outside but
they're not fulfilled and I'm here to
tell you that success without
fulfillment is failure how do you make
sure you're really fulfilled because it
seems such an elusive thing for most
people most people you know they think
okay if I'd succeed then I'll be
fulfilled they succeed they're still not
fulfilled or finally if I have a kid
then I'll be fulfilled and they have the
child and it's great for a while and
they're still not fulfilled people are
just looking for something more and I
will say to you that there's only two
things that will give you fulfillment
long-term you may talk more about this
tomorrow and more depth but we only have
six needs that must be met all human
beings have them we all have different
goals different desires different ways
of trying to make ourselves feel good we
are the same needs the first need that
everybody has is the need for certainty
we all have a need for absolute
certainty because certainty is a
survival mechanism you have done a
certain amount of certainty doesn't even
function like right now if you were
inserting these lamps these lights up
here we're gonna hold up or the roof was
gonna hold on then you probably wouldn't
listen to me a whole lot right now
because without a base level of
certainty the floor is gonna hold you up
you can't function and how many of you
have been to waste by the way well you
had so much uncertainty in your life
that it just freaked you out like
uncertainty about your job or your
career about a relationship and a major
crazy inside nobody in that place we had
so much uncertainty they did not say I
so everyone needs a base level of
certainty now we all try to get that
certainty in different ways so we have
the same need worldwide doesn't matter
who you go to what country or culture
what language a person speaks what their
socio-economic background is everybody
needs certain is a human need not a
desire a need it's built into the human
nervous system but we all go about
getting it differently like some people
try to get certainty by having a routine
that's the same every day so then they
can be certain how it's gonna be some
people try to get certainty by you know
surrounding themself of people that
they're smarter than that
so they feel like they're always in
control of the situation or by trying to
control everyone some people get
certainty by faith now there's no
certainty so they get it by having trust
that they're guided everyone has
different ways some ways some people get
certainty that they can be comfortable
that's the basic level of certainty is
you can avoid pain you can have some
pleasure based certainty is just a
certain you to be comfortable
most people get that by smoking or
drinking or something like that so
everyone's gonna find a way to meet
their need you've already found ways to
get a certain amount of certainty in
life or you wouldn't be listening to me
right now
but the question is is the way you're
doing it the way you're getting the need
met is it empowering you or
disempowering you or is it kind of
neutral if you're using drugs or alcohol
to get certainty to be comfortable it
obviously has many many negative side
effects can be using faith it's a
different one if you're using your sense
of identity like boy I'm certain not
because everything around me is perfect
but I'm certain cuz I've always found a
way
so my identity is I find a way and that
gives me certainty so some ways will
empower you so now here's the
interesting thing though when you get
absolutely totally certain about
something you know what's gonna happen
when it's gonna happen how it's gonna
happen let's say in a relationship you
know what's gonna happen what they're
gonna say when they're gonna say how am
I gonna say it what's gonna occur when
you finally have this ultimate goal
inserting this need you really feel like
you're satiating you're fully meeting it
then what happens you feel what board
all right so all of a sudden thing you
wanted so bad this is funny cuz people
are they work so hard to get what they
want then they get in there and happy
another board it's like most people
think the secret to life is make enough
money so you'll never have to work again
and the truth of the matter is if you
spend any time with people who have
achieved that you'll find that they're
miserable
and they usually start another business
or do something else because that is not
the secrets of life because they get
bored out of their mind I want to pull
their hair out because everyone needs to
grow and to be stimulated so while we
want certainty when we get absolute
certainty we go nuts oh that's because
God has a sense of humor and gave us a
second need the need for uncertainty
just to really screw you up a good right
just to see if you were paying attention
we have a need for certainty but we
simultaneously ever need for uncertainty
we have a need for variety we have a
need for surprise we have a need to have
things that we're not expecting happier
it's excitement for us that's what
adventure is if you know what's gonna
happen when it's gonna happen how it's
gonna happen
feels good for a while than you're bored
you gotta have surprises in your life
you gotta have those things that make
you grow when you know what it is it
doesn't require growth you can predict
it but when you're not sure now you have
to grow to deal with the uncertainty and
that growth is what makes us feel happy
as human beings inside now you can get
variety by doing drugs also change your
state you can get variety by going to a
movie
why do people go to movies because it
gives them certainty and uncertainty
they're certain they're not gonna die
even if the guy in the movie does right
and yet they have variety they can
vicariously experience all this
adventure and surprise and so forth
inside that film how many of you have
ever rented a video of a movie you've
already seen and we were done to say I
why I went to movie you've already seen
answer cuz you're certain it's good and
you're hoping you forgot enough that
it'll be some variety right so these two
are a paradox aren't they they seem to
the antithesis of one another and yet as
human being we need to have both of them
to really feel good
the third and fourth human needs that
all people have are three number three
is the need for significance need for a
feeling like your life is significant
it's important it's unique in some what
it's special that your life has some
kind of purpose
so we all have the need to feel
significant unique feel like our life
has some kind of meaning what's
interesting is how do you go about it no
you can go about it by tearing everybody
else down I'm great because you're
horrible you know there's two ways to
have the tallest building in town one is
tear down everybody else's building
that's what some people do other is work
harder and build a better building all
right work like crazy almost takes lunch
you go for it so what a lot of people do
is to feel significant as they tear
other people down because then they can
feel important like if you're moving
backwards I must be moving forward
there's an illusion there or you can get
significance through violence
why is violence lasted so long and
humanity because it meets most of our
needs in a very negative way but it
meets it listen I have no education no
background I live in the hood I pull out
a gun stick into your head suddenly I am
significant I don't need a education and
a need background I didn't need to
greatly rapport with you
we have rapport right you're gonna
respond to me now I'm significant and
I'm certain that I'm in control of the
situation and I got some variety because
this is a unique situation where
anything could happen meets three of my
needs violence has been around and
humanity's experience forever because it
is a way to meet needs a derogatory way
but it works and since it works and
doesn't require much effort especially
now with the tools of violence where if
you and I had a fight before and I had
to punch it out with you there were some
consequence but now with a high-power
rifle or something that can shoot off on
a hundred shots in about a minute from a
distance I can be a coward and I can
still feel significant I do whatever I
want there's no consequence to me you
can also do it in neutral ways you can
do it by you know dressing really
uniquely right like you have a unique
style that makes you feel unique and
significant you can do it by skillsets
having skilled it's as though it's no
one else has or is very unique you can
do it by buying more toys you have nicer
cars or homes or something like that you
can do it by getting more phd's more
degrees and more results that you know
you have that thing next your name so
your significant every one of us finds a
way right because we have to feel
significant everybody insists no the
question is how some people do it by
saying I am a Christian or I am a Jew or
I'm or whatever
and I'm more unique than you and then
religions fight about who really knows
the name of God and kill each other in
the name of God it's interesting process
that sometimes happens it's happened in
most major religions of the world cuz
wheel are basically fighting over who's
more significant to the creator
interesting thought process even be
exact
now the interesting thing is to be
significant you can do it new choice
positive ways you can do it by having
more compassion and giving more than
anybody else if you give so much sure
enough if you know you're willing to
give more and you're more honest and
more real that makes you feel unique
makes you feel special that doesn't have
any downside only has upside so you got
to figure out you're gonna find a way to
be unique question is that do you to
cars and homes do you do it to achieving
do you do it by the kind of love that
you share do you do it by you know doing
something with people that makes them
feel like you're superior what do you do
but you do something you do many things
to feel significant but the problem is
to feel significant to feel unique you
have to be different than everyone and
then of course violates the fourth unit
because God does have a sense of humor
the fourth human need is the need for
connection and love so while you're busy
trying to be unique and I have so many
clients super achievers in the culture
and actors/actresses business people at
the top athletes who their whole life
they wanted to be unique and then they
got to solo uniqueness and now they have
no connection because they feel like
everybody's trying to get something from
them now they don't really feel the love
and connection they wanted which is the
port need cuz to be unique and different
I have to be apart from you it's having
some people's intimate relationships all
the time as well so I saw oh my god I
really want to be at one with this
person and then they started feeling one
with a person I'm a lover for all they
go oh wait a second I feel like totally
loved and connected but Who am I
how am I unique in this world I'm losing
my identity and then they freak out and
pull back from the relationship because
what they're trying to do is meet to
need simultaneously you can get
connection by being sick and then
everyone will come and pay attention to
you you can do it by creating problems
if you don't get a kid attention for
doing something good they'll do
something bad to feel that you really
care and you'll love them to get your
attention and by the way all adults are
big kids they do the same thing same
thing as a child does sometimes a little
bit more dramatic sometimes a bit more
painful but this
things that kids do basically most
people are still 5 years old emotionally
we respond the same way most of us are
not directing them because it's great
facade but inside with this little kid
so now here you are in this situation
where you want connection what else can
you do well you can have connection by
just loving people you can have
connection by way of being in nature or
a connection to God through prayer or
you can have connection by looking at a
piece of art and feeling this sense of
inspiration you can have it through
meditation you can have it by making
love you feel this total connection you
can have it to a pet there's so many
ways to get it you're gonna find a way
the only question is on a scale from
zero to ten where zero is none and ten
is totally fulfilled where are you most
people find ways that really don't
fulfill them totally to bring them up to
a four or five so there are no man's
land they're not really happy but then
I'm helping up to ending a change it or
make it better and then if you meet
these forced first four if you meet the
need for certainty and uncertainty
you've called variety and significance
and connection you'll find a way to meet
those those are called the fundamental
needs but you will not be rich happy
fulfilled really fulfilled unless you
meet the last two and very few people
meet the last two these are the two that
a real secret and that is number five as
you must grow you must grow number six
you must contribute beyond yourself in a
meaningful way see you can get certainty
by controlling everybody you can get
variety by doing drugs you can get
significance by tearing other people
down you have connection by having a
problem all the time that people have to
fix so they pay attention you feel loved
by that levels make you better person
the only way you're gonna be fulfilled
is if you pick a different set of
vehicles and those vehicles or those
ways of meeting your needs must cause
you to grow because no matter how much
you earn how many people think you're
great but what's wonderful in your life
if you don't feel like you're growing
you'll feel like you're dying inside and
anybody you've ever seen who has
committed suicide you thought how could
they do that I mean they have the world
by the tail so they didn't feel like
they're growing and or even if they were
contributing they didn't feel like their
life had a meaning that they were
contributing beyond them
and bring this to your attention because
I have seen so many people develop such
great skills and still be unhappy so if
these are the six needs you gotta cite
how you're gonna play this game and
there's certain beliefs you have that
make you do things a certain way and
they may not be serving you but you keep
doing it because it meets some of your
needs it's like for example anything a
human being does remember I said they
have a reason so if you smoke cigarettes
even though you know it's terrible you
do it because it meets some of your
needs maybe initially you did it to be
significant or to feel connected to some
friends or maybe you're so stressed
you're certain when you smoke you can
relax so now we stop you from smoking
well you're gonna go for something else
because you got to still feel that
comfort or you got to still feel
significant so unless we understand what
our brain is doing most of us in life
have no idea how to win the game of life
we don't know what the target of the
game is we don't have the goal and so
it's pretty hard to win a game we don't
know what the goal is I'm here to tell
you having been with a couple million
people from 65 countries and having
heard every story you can imagine I'm
I've dealt with people with a hundred
and fifty-two personalities we started
splitting in the middle of a seminar
while Diane Sawyer was actually covering
a businessman sitting next this woman it
just split in the hundred fifty two
person now he's been in therapy for
thirty years an integrated her in forty
minutes on the spot and Diana them
saying is a miracle and say but it can't
last so they waited a year to do the
story and followed her for a year and
she never broke down again I've dealt
with that to people with hundred fifty
personalities do people with like no
personality with a bigger problem
okay a much bigger problem right I dealt
with you know the kid in the South Bronx
addicted to crack cocaine and I've dealt
with the top CEOs in Hollywood addicted
to cocaine you know I mean I've seen it
all and there's nothing I haven't seen
I've seen people physically abused
emotionally everything you can imagine
see you don't have to be bright to see
there are patterns and all these
patterns are just trying to meet these
same six needs and most people don't
know what they're after so it's kind of
hard to get your outcome you don't know
what it is so what I want to talk to you
about for a few minutes here is those
last two called growth and contribution
because those are the ticket to freedom
then we'll go through some fun skills
but I want you to think about your
philosophy of life because Wall Street
these tools you need more philosophy and
skill to make your life work you've got
great skill and no guiding philosophy no
guiding set of belief structures then
you are a person that has wonderful
mechanics but you're not really going to
be fulfilling you're not gonna make a
difference in the world if you've got
this wonderful philosophy and you got no
skills no muscle then you're gonna live
and be able to philosophize forever and
you know what's right but you don't do
anything it's a merger of these two or a
melding of these two that really creates
a quality life from my perception so
let's talk about the philosophy of what
creates that fulfillment I remember
somebody came to me one time and said so
what does it take to be Richard Hammond
I remember I look back and I said it's
really simple be a team player
no the first to look at me like dude
what does that mean let me tell you
that's the secret to often happen it's
become a team player what does that mean
a team player means you've got to
understand something human beings are
really unique here's what's unique about
us we're driven to achieve a certain
amount in our lives whatever that may be
to meet our six needs for some people
feel significant they gotta make 10
billion dollars for some people's
significant they have to have a child
now that child grew up to be a nice
person there's no right or wrong it's
just different beliefs in our head about
what has to happen right but here's
what's interesting most of us don't need
to have a lot happen to meet our needs
we don't so it's different for every
person so let's say for you to meet your
needs of identity you have to do certain
amount of business well once you do that
much business you don't know anymore
Drive it's like okay that feels good
alright or you have a certain amount of
need for acknowledgement but once you
get a certain amount of acknowledgement
people tell you million times how great
you are
you always appreciate hearing it but you
don't really need it because you know so
you're grateful and it's wonderful but
it's not like desperation you know what
I'm saying here and so certain amount of
money's certain amount respects certain
amount accomplishment certain amount of
something and then we kind of lose our
drive because we enter our comfort zone
how many follow this say I so once you
in your comfort zone you're not driven
anymore here's the problem when you get
in your comfort zone you're not driven
you no longer grow
when you're not growing you start to die
inside when you're longer growing and
dying inside you stop contributing a
meaningful way and as you do both of
those your whole world falls apart
emotionally see I've had seen this
happen I've got about six or seven
friends play seven of the acurate who
are considered by most people the world
to be like the best on earth at what
they do and have them for a quarter of a
century like one guys in the movie
business and in the head of several
Studios made unbelievable number of
pictures Academy Awards another guy as
an NBA coach the most winningest coach
of all time and being history I mean
each of these guys are my friends and
they're in their mid 50s and when all
new we get together to talk is we talk
about wife and where we're going what
we're doing and I've watched many of
them the business ones anyway cash out
at one point in their career where they
sold their companies that made five
hundred million dollars one guy two and
a half billion dollars and he thought
that was gonna make him happy and I
remember for the first three or four
months he was really happy he partied it
was fun it was great then all of a
sudden he got more and more crazy and
then all sudden you started over eating
and drinking and all those things are
always a symptom for the fact that
you're not fulfilled so now you're going
for the cheap quickie to try and make
yourself feel good because you really
aren't growing you're not contributing
and every one of them has gone back into
some venture that made them have to grow
because when the other business they had
to take on the challenges their take on
the effort that it grow and they felt
like they were contributing something
meaningful and that's when they're
obviously so having said that if we all
can get comfortable in a certain spot
then what's the secret to make sure
we're always growing and contributing
and the answer is become a team player
which means this people will do more for
others they care about then they'll ever
do for themselves that's a critical
distinction to have by human beings
people will do much more for others they
care about then they'll ever do for
themselves now for some people that's
God for some people that's their kids
for some people that's their friends
we'll all do more for something we
really people we really care about than
anyone else than ourselves and so if you
really want to be happy you gotta grow
and gotta contribute how many by that
say I so if you buy that you got have a
reason to constantly grow because you're
gonna get comfortable pretty easily the
only way to do that I said these people
you care so much for that you feel
compelled
to constantly contribute more and to
grow in order to be able to do that and
fortunately in my life I figured this
out at a very early age and so it drove
me to this points why I'm here now and
I'm here now because I get to have this
a sense of I have to grow to this I have
to contribute and I get the joy in the
fulfillment of that process I don't have
to do any of this anymore fortunately I
can be sit and do nothing for the rest
of my life economically but I couldn't
sit and do nothing and be happy so
that's where we got invest ourselves but
I have found what that is for me which
is certain people I care about an
environment people I care about people
like yourself who really want to make
their life more and I'm and how great it
is but you got to find what that is
because that's what will drive you so I
want to give you a couple of assignments
that if you use them will get you more
connected to your team and they're very
fundamental they're very basic but I
think if you'll do them you'll find them
to be quite useful and the first one is
really simple if you're gonna be a team
player and you're gonna feel that sense
of connection then what you gotta be
able to do is you gotta be able to
connect when it's not easy to connect
what I mean by that is if you're in a
position where someone how many of you
have somebody in your life from your
past where maybe you are good friends at
one point or lovers or business
associates but you're really close this
person and then one day something
happened and when that happened it
changed your life forever in your
relationship and maybe you've never
spoken to them again since that day how
many of something like there's somewhere
in the back of your life they raise your
hand let me see your hands keep your
hand up and I want you to see what
percentage the room it is it's about 90
percent of the room okay so what I want
you to do is this I want you to develop
team-building muscles because when you
have that sense of connection you can do
anything but anybody can be loving and
friendly to someone who's totally loving
and friendly to you if you're really
going to get that sense of connection
that sense of real joy the real passion
you're gonna be able connect with
somebody who has hurt you and been
unfair to you now I'm not suggesting you
start another relationship with this
person I'm not stupid I know many these
people you don't want to start a
relationship with but I do want you
learn how to communicate with absolute
caring love and make yourself do that
even though you've been hurt because
that's how you build an ultimate muscle
but they follow that say I what I'm
gonna ask you to do is you are going to
tomorrow or tonight after the seminar
you're gonna take this person maybe
you're not talk some years and you were
going to call them now answering
machines don't count okay but you're
gonna communicate with them and what I
want you to do is three things I want
you to call them I want you acknowledge
yourself who you are don't pretend
you're someone else and not to the phone
and as you're the voice she'll say hi
this is me you remember me I certainly
remember you then the second step you're
gonna acknowledge how the relationship
ended so you're gonna save this person
listen I know the last time we talked
was not a very pretty sight I know that
we all know we did this we did that I
know that I knew I was right you knew
you were right and it didn't end in a
very attractive way so acknowledge what
happens so it's clear that you're not an
idiot calling back and then you go third
step you say I'm just calling for one
reason it's been six months it's been a
year it's been ten years I just want to
call you to tell you that wall that was
incredibly painful and I was mad as heck
and I still necessarily agree or
disagree with you I do want you to know
that before that happened we had an
amazing business relationship friendship
love affair whatever it was and well I'm
not trying to start a new one I just
want to tell you how grateful I am for
that time I had with you prior to that
event because it was a great great time
in my life and you were an important
part of my life in my team and I want to
thank you for that and you don't say
anything I'm not calling you how do you
say anything or give me anything I just
wanted to thank you for that time I hope
you have a great life thanks bye quick
what would this do to their brain better
yet what would it do to your brain to
actually sincerely make this call and
put aside those events and associate to
the good things again I'm not saying
start a new relationship with them I'm
not saying that I'm saying just call and
acknowledge that there was great
goodness and do it from your heart and
reconnect to that feeling how many think
this would be a major stretch let me see
your hands say aye good so then if you
can't do it you I
you what how many gonna do it raise your
hand say ah here's the second call I
want you to make the second call is not
painful you'll want to make this call
before you turn the page let me ask you
how many of you out there have had an
experience where there was somebody who
you're really close to somebody you
really appreciate it really enjoyed
really loved and you didn't have an
argument you didn't have something
negative happened you just got so busy
and they got so busy and you're like in
different places and you didn't call for
a while and the more you didn't call the
weirder it felt not to call and then
since you didn't call for so long a
really felt weird not to call and now
you haven't call it forever and you kind
of like the commercial sense kind of
drifted away and it wasn't because
you're upset with them at all
I don't even have someone like that
somewhere in your life raise your hands
say aye that's your second call what are
you gonna do call them up your knowledge
ooh you are you're the same thing
acknowledge what happened Tom the truth
so listen you know I'm calling I'm sure
you want me time to talk right now we
don't need you I'm just calling to tell
you one thing and that is that I just I
think about you a lot that you know I
haven't talked to you so long that after
a while I'm telling the truth
I didn't call for a while you didn't
call I was busy you were busy and then
felt weird to call so the reason I'm
calling it so it doesn't feel weird to
call in the future right I'm just
calling to tell you I love you and I'm
so thrilled that you're part of my team
and even if we don't talk for two years
I'd always care about you if you ever
want to talk I'm always here I know you
bite one every time so I just want to
say thanks have a nice night know that
that person I guarantee will stop you I
said oh no I'm so glad you called and
what it'll do is it'll take a part of
your life like one thing you can finally
put behind you this thing you can put
back in front of you and reconnect with
it and I think you're gonna find it
it'll have a really wonderful
processional effect like you know when
you drop the rock in the water it
doesn't stop there when hits the water
it has this neat little wave effect on
your life same thing happens when you
reconnect with someone you really
consider to be a friend it has an impact
the things that you normally wouldn't
measure in that area how many want to
make this call so say I and here's the
third assignment the third assignment
and team-building is I want you to make
a list
of all the key team members of your life
and what I mean by that is anyone you
consider to be part of your team team
can be intimate loved ones it can be
family or friends team can be those
people you work with who you really
really care about but I'm talking about
your close inner team of people the
people that you care about the people
who have their feelings about you has
influence over you the people that you
would be driven to give to and to serve
therefore would need to grow and
contribute someone one of them asked you
to do is I want you right next to each
person's name some unique way you don't
let them know you care about them in the
next 30 to 45 days some unique way
because what we all assume is that
everybody knows we love them but we
don't people don't they forget or if
they've experienced it in a certain way
they don't know so I want you to do it
unique way cuz again people do weird
things if they can't get that love or
that connection a good way they do weird
stuff to get your love and attention so
you don't want to wait so there's a
challenge or there's a problem and so
I'm gonna ask you do it proactively now
for example how many of you have kids
let's see your hands
Wow how many you have teenage kids as an
example gray another breed aren't they
so now here's what you do
I want you to make your list don't you
come up with a unique way to make them
feel totally loved only take what's
great about this number one you'll
increase your connection and sense of
team number two you have a blast coming
up with creative things number three
you'll feel wonderful when you're doing
it and when all those wonderful things
are happening it'll affect your career
believe it or not because it'll affect
the way you feel about yourself and your
identity and what you're doing in your
life it enriches everything these little
things mean everything I give an example
well I married my wife Becky I wanted to
have four kids I got three instantly and
all of a sudden here we in a short time
we have four kids and I had kids at that
time my youngest I think was four and my
oldest was 17 and I was 24 years old
right so that makes you grew up pretty
quick right so I feel myself in a place
where it's like wow here at this great
love affair with my wife and I really
love these kids but all of sudden Wham
and they were in my life quickly rapidly
powerfully and I don't feel I'll deal
with that it was very difficult at first
really difficult cuz I felt like all I
was getting less connection I was less
significant and the kids were and so
forth it was very difficult but
gradually what happened is I love these
kids so much that it expanded my life
that didn't mean less significance less
connection and I could have it for more
places in at a deeper level and now it's
that one of the greatest gifts of my
entire life
you asked me are you a successful man I
would say yes and my number one criteria
is what incredible kids I have who they
are as people which I think they've done
on their own but I think I've certainly
helped to shape some of their core value
structures and belief structures which
is building can shape you can't control
behavior she was certainly shaped a good
deal with somebody values and believes
by your example and your caring and so
when this first happened I also was 24
years old starting my career I was doing
an average of 200 days a year on the
road I I was building and doing
everything so I'm not even there most
the time so these kids are my life and
I'm thinking my god how do I connect
with these kids how do they know I love
them I'm not there and the only solution
I could come up with was okay I gotta be
their number one and number two I got to
really be there when I'm there now I had
four fathers myself and the one who I
consider to be my real father is not my
birth father you know he's not my father
genetically the one I mentioned passed
away was the one I was closest to and I
had the least amount of time with him
but I really had what I call magic
moments with him just moments I never
forget as long as I live and they helped
to shape a good part of who I am and
what I believe in value so I think
that's what I got to do I got to create
magic moments these kids but I decided
to do it the way I'm asking you to do it
strategically not like just okay I'll
figure a way to really put focus into it
and so I looked at each kid because each
kid has different needs to know their
love so as I looked at that I was able
to and I thought about I don't want to
just use to my kids I want to do this
with the whole world so you got it aside
you're gonna blast through your life and
forget what you really love but you
really really live for cuz you're busy
trying to achieve something are you
gonna do both live fully and blast
through everything you want to achieve -
the only way you do that is if you
understand team in her team is the most
important thing so that's my challenge
to you is to make it the most important
thing including by the way the team
inside of you because for years I took
first seven eight years of my career I
didn't take one day off over seven days
a week that was it because my whole
identity was I don't stop but I've also
learned through lots of pain that if you
just give to everybody else but yourself
pretty soon you're emptying you got
nothing to give back so I learned
gradually to really give myself things
give myself time give myself little
events and I want you to do that so I
have one of their assignment for you
Matt is I want you for the next four
weeks to promise me one thing besides
coming up with your plan and take care
of your team you come up with a plan
that gives you one hour a week for the
next four weeks we do something for you
that you normally will not do for
yourself I don't know what is
everybody's different maybe it's just a
walk on a beach or a walk away because
you never give yourself time by yourself
maybe it's buying yourself something you
would never do she was all that stupid I
don't need that do it anyway cuz I'll
tell you what will happen when you give
to yourself you have something to give
to others no it's Bible says love thy
neighbor 'like myself which presupposes
that you would love yourself it's not
very popular thing as most people who
pretend to love themselves really don't
generally love themself they hate
themselves giving to yourself as a gift
that when you give to yourself and
you're so much happier so much more ly
to be able to give to others
[Music]
think I'm up to a four or five so there
are no man's land they're not really
happy but then I'm happy enough to
hunting to change it or make it better
and then if you meet these forced first
four if you meet the need for certainty
and uncertainty of called variety and
significance and connection you'll find
a way to meet those those are called the
fundamental needs but you will not be
rich happy fulfilled really fulfilled
unless you meet the last two and very
few people meet the last two these are
the two that are real secret and that is
number five as you must grow you must
grow and number six is you must
contribute beyond yourself in a
meaningful way see you can get certainty
by controlling everybody you can get
variety by doing drugs you can get
significance by tearing other people
down you have connection by having a
problem all the time that people have to
fix so if they attend ssin you feel
loved by that none of those make you
better person the only way you're gonna
be fulfilled is if you pick a different
set of vehicles and those vehicles or
those ways of meeting your needs must
cause you to grow because no matter how
much you earn how many people think
you're great or what's wonderful in your
life if you don't feel like you're
growing you'll feel like you're dying
inside and anybody you've ever seen who
has committed suicide he's not how could
they do that I mean they have the world
by the tail because they didn't feel
like they're growing and or even if they
were contributing they didn't feel like
their life had a meaning that they were
contributing beyond themselves and bring
this to your attention because I've seen
so many people develop such great skills
and still be unhappy so if these are the
six needs you got aside how you're gonna
play this game and there's certain
beliefs you have that make you do things
a certain way and they may not be
serving you but you keep doing it
because it meets some of your needs it's
like for example anything a human being
does remember I said they have a reason
so if you smokes cigarettes even though
you know it's terrible you do it because
it needs some of your needs maybe
initially you did it to be significant
or to feel connected to some friends or
maybe you're so stressed you're certain
when you smoke you can relax so now we
stopped you from smoking well you're
gonna go for something else cuz you've
got to still feel that comfort or you
gonna still feel significant so unless
we understand what our brain is doing
most of us apply
have no idea how to win the game of life
we don't know what the target of the
game is we don't know the goal and so
it's pretty hard to win a game we don't
know what the goal is I'm here to tell
you having been with a couple million
people from 65 countries and having
heard every story you can imagine I'm I
dealt with people with a hundred and
fifty-two personalities who started
splitting in the middle of a seminar
while Diane Sawyer was actually covering
a businessman sitting next this woman
and she's splitting 152 person now he's
been in therapy for 30 years an
integrated her in 40 minutes on the spot
and Diana them saying it's a miracle and
saying but I can't last so they waited a
year to do the story and followed her
for a year and she never broke down
again I dealt with that to people 150
personalities do people with like no
personality love a bigger problem right
okay a much bigger problem right I dealt
with you know the kid and the South
Bronx addicted to crack cocaine and I've
dealt with the top CEOs in Hollywood
addicted to cocaine you know I mean I've
seen it all and there's nothing I
haven't seen I've seen people physically
abused emotionally I've seen everything
you can imagine see you don't have to be
bright to see there are patterns and all
these patterns are just trying to meet
these same six needs and most people
don't know what they're after so it's
kind of hard to get your outcome you
don't know what it is so what I want to
talk to you about for a few minutes here
is those last two called growth and
contribution cuz those are the ticket to
freedom then we'll go through some fun
skills but I want you to think about
your philosophy of life because wallis
great to have these tools you need both
philosophy and skill to make your life
work it got great skill and no guiding
philosophy no guiding set of belief
structures then you are a person that
has wonderful mechanics but you're not
really going to be fulfilling you're not
gonna make a difference in the world if
you got this wonderful philosophy and
you got no skills no muscle then you're
gonna live and be able to philosophize
forever and you know what's right but
you don't do anything it's a merger of
these two or a melding of these two that
really creates a quality life from my
perception so let's talk about the
philosophy of what creates that
fulfillment I remember somebody came to
me one time and said so what does it
take to be Richard Hammond I remember I
look back and I said it's really simple
be a team player
no the first look at me like you what
does that mean let me tell you that's
the secret to often happen it's become a
team player what does that mean a team
player means you got understand
something human beings are really unique
here's what unique about us
we're driven to achieve a certain amount
in our lives whatever that may be to
meet our 16 where some people feel
significant they got to make 10 billion
dollars for some people's significant
they have to have a child now that's how
I've loved to be a nice person there's
no right or wrong it's just different
beliefs in our head about what has to
happen right but here's what's
interesting most of us don't need to
have a WOD happen to meet our needs we
don't so it's different for every person
so let's say for you to meet your needs
of identity you have to do certain
amount of business well once you do that
much business you don't know anymore
Drive it's like okay that feels good all
right or you have a certain amount of
need for acknowledgement but once you
get a certain amount of acknowledgement
people tell you million times how great
you are
you always appreciate hearing it but you
don't really need it because you know so
you're grateful and it's wonderful but
it's not like desperation you know what
I'm saying here and so certain amount of
money's certain amount respects certain
men accomplish certain amount of
something and then we kind of lose our
drive because we enter our comfort zone
how many follow this say I so once
you're in your comfort zone you're not
driven anymore here's the problem it's
so forth inside that film how many of
you have ever rented a video of a movie
you've already seen I've never done this
AI now why I went to movie you've
already seen answer cuz you're certain
it's good and you're hoping you forgot
enough that it'll be some variety right
so these two are a paradox aren't they
they seem to be antithesis of one
another and yet as a human being we need
to have both of them to really feel good
the third and fourth human needs that
all people have are three at number
three is the need for significance need
for a feeling like your life is
significant it's important it's unique
in someone it's special that your life
has some kind of purpose so we all have
the need to feel significant unique feel
like our life has some kind of meaning
and what's interesting is how do you go
about it you know you can go about it by
charing everybody else down I'm great
because you're horrible you know there's
two ways to have the tallest building in
town one is tearing down everybody
else's building that's what some people
do other is work harder and build a
better building right work like crazy or
mistakes once you go for it so what a
lot of people do is to feel significant
as they tear other people down because
then they can feel important like if
you're moving backwards I must be moving
forward there's an illusion there or
Union significance through violence
why is violence lasted so long and
humanity because it means most of our
needs in a very negative way but it
means it listen I have no education no
background I live in the hood I pull out
a gun stick it to your head suddenly I
am significant I don't need an education
I need background I didn't need to
greatly rapport with you
we have rapport all right you're gonna
respond to me now I'm significant and
I'm certain that I'm in control of the
situation and I got some variety because
this is a unique situation where
anything could happen meets three of my
needs violence has been around
humanity's experience forever because it
is a way to meet needs a derogatory way
but it works and since it works and
doesn't require much effort especially
now with the tools of violence where if
you and I had a fight before and I had
to punch it out with you there were some
consequence but now with a high-powered
rifle or something that can shoot off on
a hundred shots in about a minute from a
distance I can be a coward and I can
still feel significant and do whatever I
want there's no consequence to me you
can also do it in neutral ways you can
do it by you know pressing really
uniquely right like you have a unique
style that makes you feel unique and
significant you could do it by skillsets
having skilled it's almost no one else
has or is very unique you can do it by
buying more toys you have nicer cars or
homes or something like that you can do
it by getting more PhDs more degrees
more results that you know you have that
thing next to your name so your
significant every one of us finds a way
right because we have to feel
significant everybody is this well the
question is how some people do it by
saying I am a Christian or I am a Jew or
I'm or whatever and I'm more unique than
you and then religions fight about who
really knows the name of God and kill
each other in the name of
a process that sometimes happens it's
happened in most major religions of the
world this meal are basically fighting
over who's more significant to the
creator interesting thought processes
human beings have now the interesting
thing is to be significant
you can do it new choice positive ways
you can do it by having more compassion
and giving more than anybody else if you
give so much sure enough if you know
you're willing to give more and you're
more honest and more real that makes you
feel unique makes you feel special that
doesn't have any downside only has
upside so you got to figure out you're
gonna find a way to be unique question
is that do you to cars and homes do you
do it through achieving do you do it by
the kind of love that you share do you
do it by you know doing something with
people that makes them feel like you're
superior what do you do but you do
something you do many things to feel
significant but the problem is to feel
significant to feel unique you have to
be different than everyone and that of
course violates the fourth human being
because God does have a sense of humor
the fourth human need is the need for
connection and love so while you're busy
trying to be unique and I have so many
clients super achievers in the culture
you know actors actresses business
people at the top athletes who their
whole life they wanted to be unique and
then they got their solo uniqueness and
now they have no connection because they
feel like everybody's trying to get
something from them now they don't
really feel the love and connection they
wanted which is the board theme because
to be unique and different I have to be
apart from you
this happens in people's intimate
relationships all the time as well so I
saw oh my god I really want to be at one
with this person and then they started
feeling one with a person with a lover
four on they go oh wait a second I feel
like fully loved and connected but who
am i how am I unique in this world I'm
losing my identity and then they freak
out and pull back for the relationship
because what they're trying to do is
meet you need simultaneously you can get
connection by being sick and then
everyone will come and pay attention to
you you can do it by creating problems
if you don't get a kid attention for
doing something good they'll do
something bad to feel that you really
care and you'll love them to get your
attention and by the way all adults are
big kids they do the same thing same
thing as a child does sometimes a little
bit more dramatic sometimes a bit more
painful but the same thing
and kids do cuz you're this basically
most people are still five years old
emotionally so we respond the same way
most of us are not directing me it comes
great facade but inside with this little
kid so now here you are in this
situation where you want connection what
else can you do well you can have
connection by just loving people you can
have connection by way of being in
nature or a connection to gods from
prayer or you can have connection by
looking at a piece of art and feeling
this sense of inspiration you can have
it through meditation you can have it by
making love you feel a total connection
you can have it to a pet there's so many
ways to get it you're gonna find a way
the only question is on a scale from
zero to ten where zero is none and 10 is
totally fulfilled where are you most
people find ways that really don't
fulfill them totally debris now I'm not
trying to start a new one I just want to
tell you how grateful I am for that time
I had with you prior to that event
because it was a great great time in my
life and you were an important part of
my life in my team and I want to thank
you for that and you don't say anything
I'm not calling you how do you say
anything or give me anything I just
wanted to thank you for that time I hope
you have a great life Thanks bye click
what would this do to their brain better
yet what would it do to your brain to
actually sincerely make this call and
put aside those events and associate to
the good things again I'm not saying
start a new relationship with them I'm
not saying that I'm saying just call and
acknowledge that there was great
goodness and do it from your heart and
reconnect to that feeling how many think
this would be a major stretch let me see
your hands say I good so then if you
can't do it you what you what how many
gonna do it raise your hand say I here's
the second call I want you to make the
second call is not painful you'll want
to make this call before you turn the
pages let me ask you how many of you out
there have had an experience where there
was somebody who you're really close to
somebody who really appreciate it really
enjoyed really loved
and you didn't have an argument you
didn't have something negative happened
you just got so busy and they got so
busy and you're like in different places
and you didn't call for a while and the
more you didn't call the weirder it felt
not to call and then since you can call
for so long it really felt weird not to
call now you haven't call forever and
you kind of like the commercial says
kind of drifted away and it wasn't
because you're upset with them at all
how do you have someone like that
somewhere in your life raise your hand
say aye
that's your second call what are you
gonna do call them up you know who you
are
do the same thing acknowledge what
happened tell the truth so listen you
know I'm calling I'm sure you don't any
time to talk right now we don't need to
I'm just calling to tell you one thing
and that is that I just I think about
you a lot that you know I'm talking to
you so long that after a while I'm the
truth I didn't call for a while you
didn't call I was busy you were busy and
then felt weird to call so the reason
I'm calling it so it doesn't feel weird
to call in the future all right I'm just
calling to tell you I love you and I'm
so thrilled that you're part of my team
and even if we don't talk for two years
I'd always care about you if you ever
want to talk I'm always here and then
you fight over every time so I just want
to say thanks have a nice night know
that that person I guarantee will stop
you know I'm so glad you called and what
it'll do is it'll take a part of your
life like one thing you can finally put
behind you this thing you can put back
in front of you and reconnect with it
and I think you're gonna find that it'll
have a really wonderful processional
fact like you know when you drop the
rock in the water it doesn't stop there
when hits the water it has this neat
little wave effect on your life same
thing happens when you reconnect with
someone you really consider to be a
friend it has an impact the things that
you normally wouldn't measure in that
area how many want to make this call so
say I and here's the third assignment
the third assignment team-building is I
want you to make a list of all the key
team members of your life and what I
mean by that is anyone you consider to
be part of your team team can be
intimate loved ones it can be family or
friends team can be those people you
work with who you really really care
about but I'm talking about your close
inner team of people the people that you
care about the people who have their
feelings about you has influence over
you the people that you would be driven
to give to and to serve and therefore
would need to grow and contribute
someone
and what I may ask you to do is I want
you right next to each person's name
some unique way to let them know you
care about them in the next 30 to 45
days some unique way because what we all
assume is that everybody knows we love
them but we don't people don't they
forget or if they experience it in a
certain way they don't know so I want
you to do it unique way because again
people do weird things if they can't get
that love or that connection a good way
they do weird stuff to get your love and
attention so you don't - wait so there's
a challenge or there's a problem if
someone ask you to it proactively now
for example how many of you have kids
let's see your hands Wow how many you
have teenage kids as an example great
another breed aren't they so now here's
what you do I want you to make your list
don't you come up with a unique way to
make them feel totally loved only take
what's great about this number one
you'll increase your connection and
sense of team number two you have a
blast coming up with creative things
number three you'll feel wonderful when
you're doing it and when all those one
of the things are happening it'll affect
your career believe it or not because
it'll affect the way you feel about
yourself and your identity and what
you're doing in your life it enriches
everything these little things mean
everything I give you an example when I
married my wife Becky I wanted to have
four kids I got three instantly and all
of a sudden here we in a short time we
have four kids and I had kids at that
time my youngest I think was four and my
oldest was 17 and I was 24 years old
right so that makes you grew up pretty
quick right so I feel myself in a place
where it's like wow here had this great
love affair with my wife and I really
love these kids but all of a sudden Wham
and they were in my life quickly rapidly
powerfully and I don't feel I deal with
that it was very difficult at first
extremely difficult as I felt like I was
getting West Connection I was less
significant and the kids were and so
forth it was very difficult but
gradually what happened is I love these
kids so much that it expanded my life
that didn't mean less significance less
connection and I can have him for more
places than at a deeper
and I said one of the greatest gifts of
my entire life you asked me are you a
successful man I would say yes and my
number one criteria is what incredible
kids I have who they are as people which
I think they've done on their own but I
think I've certainly helped to shape
some of their core value structures and
belief structures which is
[Music]
people will stop me all the time ask me
these different questions but most
people are the questions like what does
it take to get rich and happy instantly
with no effort some version of that
question and I'll usually look at them
and say do you really want to know who
are you just asking and when I say that
you seem kind of freeze for a moment
like you may tell me and I might have to
work but I really want to tell you what
I really believe it takes to be rich and
happy how most people think rich is just
money but I know a lot of people have a
lot of money in their broke now the
people have a lot of money they're very
rich that richness is a sense of
fulfillment a lot of people have quote
succeeded supposedly on the outside but
they're not fulfilled and I'm here to
tell you that success without
fulfillment is failure how do you make
sure you're really fulfilled because it
seems such an elusive thing for most
people most people you know they think
okay if I'd succeed then I'll be
fulfilled they succeed they're still not
for Coke or finally if I have a kid then
I'll be fulfilled they have a child and
it's great for a while and they're still
not fulfilled people always looking for
something more and I will say to you
that there's only two things that will
give you fulfillment long term you may
talk more about this tomorrow and more
depth but we only have six needs that
must be met all human beings have we all
have different goals different desires
different ways of trying to make
ourselves feel good we are the same
needs the first need that everybody has
the need for certainty we all have a
need for absolute certainty because
certainty is a survival mechanism you
have done a certain amount of certainty
doesn't even function like right now if
you weren't certain these lamps these
lights up here are gonna hold up or the
roof was gonna hold on then you probably
wouldn't listen to me a whole lot right
now because without a base level of
certainty the floor is gonna hold you up
you can't function and how many have
ever been the place by the way well you
had so much uncertainty in your life
that it just freaked you out like
uncertainty about your job or your
career about a relationship and a major
crazy inside weave in that place we had
so much uncertainty made to not say I so
everyone needs a base level of certainty
now we all try to get that certainty in
different ways so we have the same need
worldwide doesn't matter who you go to
what country what culture what language
a person speaks what their associate
economic background is everybody needs
certain it is a human need not a desire
a need it's built into the human nervous
system but we all go about getting it
differently like some people try to get
certainty by having a routine that's the
same every day so they can be certain
how it's gonna be
some people try to get certainty by you
know surrounding themself with people
that they're smarter than them so they
feel like they're always in control of
the situation or by trying to control
everyone some people get certainty by
faith now there's no certainty so they
get it by having trust that they're
guided everyone has different ways some
ways some people get certainty that they
can be comfortable that's the basic
level of certainty so you can avoid pain
you can have some pleasure based
certainty is just assert you to be
comfortable
most people get that by smoking or
drinking or something like that so
everyone's gonna find a way to meet
their need you've already found ways to
get a certain amount of certainty in
life or you wouldn't be listening to me
right now but the question is is the way
you're doing it the way you're getting
the need met is it empowering you or
disempowering you or is it kind of
neutral if you using drugs or alcohol to
get certainty to be comfortable it
obviously has many many negative side
effects if you're using faith it's a
different one if you're using your sense
of identity like boy I'm certain not
because everything around me is perfect
but I'm certain cuz I've always found a
way
so my identity is I find a way and that
gives me certainty so some ways will
empower you so now here's the
interesting thing though when you get
absolutely totally certain about
something well you know what's gonna
happen when it's gonna happen how it's
gonna happen let's say in a relationship
you know what's gonna happen what
they're gonna say when they're gonna say
it how am I gonna say it what's gonna
occur when you finally have this
ultimate goal of certainty this need you
really feel like you're satiating you're
fully meaning it then what happens you
feel what bored right so almost sudden
this thing you want it so bad this is
funny cuz people go out they work sorry
to get what they want then they get in
there and happy cuz now they're bored
it's like most people think the secret
to life is making of money so you'll
never have to work again and the truth
of the matter is
you spend any time with people who have
achieved that you'll find that they're
miserable and they usually start another
business or do something else because
that is not the secret to life because
they get bored out of their mind I want
to pull their hair out because everyone
needs to grown to be stimulated so while
we want certainty when we get absolute
certainty we go nuts and that's because
God has a sense of humor and gave us a
second need the need for uncertainty
just to really screw you up a good right
just to see if you were paying attention
we have a need for certainty but we
simultaneously have a need for
uncertainty we have a need for variety
we have a need for surprise we have a
need to have things that we're not
expecting happen car it's excitement for
us that's what adventure is if you know
what's gonna happen when it's gonna
happen how it's gonna happen feels good
for a while then you're bored you gotta
have surprises in your life you gotta
have those things that make you grow
when you know what it is it doesn't
require growth you can predict it but
when you're not sure now you have to
grow to deal with the uncertainty and
that growth is what makes us feel happy
as human beings inside now you can get
variety by doing drugs also change your
state you can get variety by going to a
movie you know why do people go to
movies because it gives them certainty
and uncertainty they're certain they're
not gonna die even if the guy in the
movie does right and yet they a variety
they can vicariously experience all this
adventure and surprise and you get in
your comfort zone you're not driven you
no longer grow when you're not growing
you start to die inside when you're no
longer growing and dying inside you stop
contributing in a meaningful way that
you do both of those your whole world
falls apart emotionally see I've haven't
seen this happen I've got about six or
seven friends play seven of the accurate
who are considered by most people the
world to be like the best on earth at
what they do and have them for a quarter
of a century and one guys in the movie
business
I'm in the head of several Studios made
unbelievable number of pictures Academy
Awards another guy as an NBA coach the
most winningest coach of all time and be
a history I mean each of these guys are
my friends and they're in their mid 50s
and we're all new we get together to
talk as we talk about wife and where
we're going what we're doing and I've
watched many of them the business ones
anyway cash out at one point in their
career where they sold their companies
that made 500 million dollars one guy
two and a half billion dollars
and he thought that's gonna make him
happy and I remember for the first three
or four months he was really happy he
partied it was fun it was great
then all sudden he got more and more
crazy and then all sudden he started
over eating and drinking and all those
things are as a symptom for the fact
that you're not fulfilled so now you're
going for the cheap quickie to try and
make yourself feel good because you
really aren't growing you're not
contributing and every one of them has
gone back into some venture that made
them have to grow because when the other
business they had to take on the
challenges their take on the effort
their to grow and they felt like they
were contributing something meaningful
and that's when they're happiest so
having said that if we all can get
comfortable at a certain spot then
what's the secret to make sure we're
always growing and contributing in the
answer is become a team player which
means this people will do more for
others they care about then they'll ever
do for themselves that's a critical
distinction to have by human beings
people will do much more for others they
care about then they'll ever do for
themselves now for some people that's
God for some people that's their kids
for some people that's their friends
we'll all do more for something we
really people we really care about than
anyone else than ourselves and so if you
really want to be happy you gotta grow
and gotta contribute how many by that
say I so if you buy that you got have a
reason to constantly grow because you're
gonna get comfortable pretty easily
the only way to do that I said these
people you care so much for that you
feel compelled to constantly contribute
more and to grow in order to be able to
do that and fortunately in my life I
figured this out at a very early age and
so it drove me to this points why I'm
here now and I'm here now because I get
to have this a sense of I have to grow
to do this I have to contribute and I
get the joy in the fulfillment of that
process I don't have to do any of this
anymore fortunately Acme sit and do
nothing for the rest of my life
economically but I couldn't sit and do
nothing and be happy so that's what we
got a vest ourselves but I have found
what that is for me which is certain
people I care about an environment
people I care about people like yourself
who really want to make their life more
them and how great it is but you got to
find what that is because that's what
will drive you so I want to give you a
couple of
assignments that if you use them will
get you more connected to your team and
they're very fundamental they're very
basic but I think if you'll do them
you'll find them to be quite useful and
the first one is really simple if you're
gonna be a team player you're gonna feel
that sense of connection and what you
gotta be able to do is you got to be
able connect when it's not easy to
connect what I mean by that is if you're
in a position where someone how many of
you have somebody in your life from your
past where maybe you are good friends at
one point or lovers or business
associates but you're really close this
person and then one day something
happened and when that happened it
changed your life forever in your
relationship and maybe you've never
spoken to them again since that day how
many have something like there's
somewhere in the back of your life they
raise yeah let me see your hands keep
your hand up and I want you to see what
percentage the room is it's about 90
percent of the room okay so what I want
you to do is this I want you to develop
team-building muscles because when you
have that sense of connection you can do
anything but anybody can be loving and
friendly to someone who's probably
loving and friendly to you if you're
really gonna get that sense of
connection that sense of real joy to
real passion you know connect with
somebody who has hurt you and unfair to
you now I'm not suggesting you to start
another relationship with this person
I'm not stupid I know maybe these people
you don't want to start a relationship
with but I do want you to learn how to
communicate with absolute caring love
and make yourself do that even though
you've been hurt because that's how you
build an ultimate muscle they follow
that say I what I'm gonna ask you to do
is you are going to tomorrow or tonight
after the seminar you're gonna take this
first maybe you're not taught some years
and you are going to call them now
answering machines don't count okay but
you're gonna communicate with them and
what I want you to do is three things I
want you call them I want to acknowledge
yourself who you are don't pretend
you're someone else and onto the phone
and as you're the voice you'll say hi
this is me you remember me I certainly
remember you then the second step you're
gonna acknowledge how the relationship
ended so you're gonna save this person
listen I know the last time we talked
was not a very pretty sight I know that
we all know we did this we did that I
know that I knew I was right you knew
you were right and it didn't end in a
very attractive way to acknowledge what
happened so it's clear that you're not
an idiot calling back and then you go
third step is say I'm just calling for
one reason it's been six months it's
been a year it's been 10 years I just
want to call you to tell you that wall
that was incredibly painful and I was
mad as heck and I still necessarily
agree or disagree with you I do want you
to know that before that happened we had
an amazing business relationship
friendship love affair whatever it was
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