-My name is Jimmy Fallon.
And I'm just so happy to be indoors right now.
Oh, my goodness.
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's right -- Throughout the country,
people are dealing with freezing temperatures.
All day long, New Yorkers struggled
with how to give each other the finger while wear mittens.
It's -- It's just terrible.
It is freezing here in New York.
And states around the country
are experiencing record low temperatures.
This morning I asked Siri for the weather.
And she said... -I'm freezing my [bleep] off.
-Okay, come on. Hey. -Really?
[ Applause ]
-Well, you guys, nominations for the Academy Awards
were announced early this morning
by Tracee Ellis Ross and Kumail Nanjiani.
So if you're keeping track, they found two people
to wake up at 5:00 a.m. to read the nominations,
still no one to host the show.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I saw that Christian Bale was nominated for his role in "Vice"
while Bradley Cooper and Sam Elliott
were nominated for "A Star Is Born."
They're actually all nominated in the same category --
Best Achievement in Growling.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Deep voice ] "I just want to take another look at you."
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] I read that "Mary Poppins Returns"
was shut out of all major categories.
You could tell Mary Poppins was upset.
Today her spoonful of sugar was cut with a little bit of Xanax.
-Really? -Yeah, yeah, not good.
But the film "Roma" led the way with 10 nominations,
including Best Director, Best Actress,
and Best Supporting Actress, all of whom are Mexican.
That's the good news.
[ Applause ] The bad news is --
The bad news is Trump now wants to shut down the Academy Awards.
I mean, it's just -- What is he doing?
Now that the nominations are out,
everyone's talking about which movies should win
and which were snubbed.
President Trump even gave his own reviews
on some of the year's biggest movies.
I'll show you what I mean.
For example, for "Black Panther," he wrote,
"Wakanda is a beautiful country. I've been there many times."
[ Laughter and applause ]
For "Bohemian Rhapsody," he wrote,
"The only Queen I care about has a first name,
and that name is Dairy."
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Dairy Queen?
-And finally, for "Vice," he wrote,
"Didn't see it. Not interested in politics."
So, it's like, well...
It's the president.
This is actually interesting.
President Trump himself
was actually nominated for a few awards.
-Really? -Yeah, take a look at this.
-President Trump's nominations include Best Original Song...
-♪ Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing ♪
♪ Bong, bong, bing, bing, bing ♪
-...Best Makeup and Hairstyling...
-Oh, boy.
-...and Best Foreign Language Film.
-[ Speaking Spanish ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Well, you guys, it's day 32 of the government shutdown.
And I read that a record 10% of TSA workers
are now skipping work.
So if you've ever wanted to sneak a bottle of water
onto a plane, now's your chance.
Go for it. Live it up!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Live it up!
That's right -- TSA agents are still calling in sick
because they can't afford to work without pay
during the government shutdown.
It's having a real impact on airports across the country.
Here now to give his thoughts on the situation
is TSA agent Rod Williams, ladies and gentlemen.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you, sir.
Yes.
-Rod, thank you for being here.
How has it been working for the TSA during the shutdown?
-Well, you know, I mean, it's been pretty good.
You know, nothing to complain about.
-Oh, really?
-No, I'm lying.
[ Laughter ]
Look at me, man.
I've been eating Cinnabon all day.
[ Laughter ]
No, that's all I got, right?
I'm like three Cinna Stix away from -- from urgent care, man.
-Oh, my God. Well, that's --
It can't be all bad.
At least you've got
state-of-the-art equipment to work with.
That helps.
-What you mean state-of-art equipment?
The body scanners? -Yeah.
-Oh, hell, no, okay?
Do you know how it is to look at a 90-year-old, like, body
with Dockers on?
[ Laughter ]
Look, there's just some stuff you can't unsee, man.
I cannot unsee that. -Oh, yeah, yeah. All right.
Now I get why people are calling in sick.
If there's anything --
Is there anything travelers can do during the shutdown
to make TSA agents' lives easier?
-I'm glad you asked that. Yes, it is, okay?
Could y'all just follow the damn instructions?
Okay? Take your shoes off, okay?
Make sure your pockets are empty, and no liquids.
Right, who the hell brings a full-size bottle of shampoo
to an airport anyway?
And guess what.
You bring some shampoo, it's going in the garbage.
That's right. You wasted your money.
They got little shampoos at hotels.
Use the hotel shampoos!
[ Laughter ]
Oh, man. Look, look, look, man.
Let me say this. This -- This is a big one.
Please stop putting your laptops at the bottom of the bag, okay?
If you don't want people to see what you got
or what you're wearing, don't do that.
Okay, it comes out or you get out.
-That's right. Exactly.
We do -- We really do appreciate all the work you guys are doing
despite the circumstances.
-Yeah, man. We trying our best, you know.
'Cause at the end of the day, you know who we is.
We are T-S-mother[bleep]-A.
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's right. We have this [bleep]
-Rod Williams from the TSA, everybody.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Looks like Lil Rel.
[ Laughs ] Rod Williams.
Looks like Lil Rel, that guy. -Yeah.
-Guys, listen to this.
To end the shutdown, an Arizona lawmaker
wants to fund Trump's border wall by taxing porn.
[ Light laughter ]
Experts say that if we do, the wall will be finished by Friday.
This Friday.
[ Applause ]
Actually, I read lately there's been a spike in traffic
on adult websites in Washington.
And people think it's due to the government shutdown.
When asked for comment, every male senator was like,
"Uh, just a minute. Don't come in yet.
Just give me a second. Knock!"
I saw that today is Donald and Melania's
14th wedding anniversary.
And they celebrated the way most couples do after 14 years.
They didn't.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And finally, you guys, a man in New Jersey
stole $1,000 from some Girl Scouts
who were selling cookies at the mall.
When asked if they called the police,
the New Jersey Girl Scouts were like, "No, we know a guy.
He'll take care of it."
We got a great show tonight. Give it up for The Roots!
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