(ambient music)
- [Man] She's gonna be the first female fighter
to represent the United States in the Olympics.
- It's gonna be very difficult for the Olympic games,
they're only allowing 36 women in the whole world
in three weight classes.
(crowd yelling)
- [TV Announcer] For the first time ever this summer,
women will step into the ring at the Olympic games.
- [Woman] Boxing into the Olympics was a battle
in and of itself.
- [Pat] It's gonna be the best, the best,
it's gonna be really really cutthroat.
- [Coach] The difference between her
and other fighters is that she's at extreme
(mumbles) and discipline.
She can make you feel extremely uncomfortable,
so if you're not prepared for that,
you're gonna be in for a long, long night with this girl.
(energetic music)
(peaceful music)
(distant boxing and yelling)
- Part of being a fighter is learning to adjust
and adapt and have a different game plan.
After I had to withdraw from the Olympic trials,
it took me over a year before I could really start
forgiving myself for feeling I failed.
Things happen for a reason.
When I always say who I am,
I am a transmsculine person of color.
And boxing was already weird,
that I was the queer butch one
that was very obviously not in the aesthetic
that sponsors wanted.
Robert is my boxing coach of over eight years.
We've been very close, he was with me
at the Olympic trials.
He actually was the one who made the decision
to pull me out after my shoulder was injured.
I always knew that even if I was down,
he would figure out a strategy.
To be able to box in the male division,
it's everything right now.
(ambient music)
- It was in, I think, March 2013.
Someone had said something,
oh but you're such a pretty girl,
and I was like, this is it, I'm done.
I'm done trying to pretend to be something I'm not,
this is who I am.
You're gonna have to deal with it.
For this top surgery, since I'm still fighting
with my insurance, my grandma is basically
putting up the money.
My grandma just says, "You were always my grandson,
"I realize that we just didn't have the right clothes
"at the time."
You going with us Gran?
(mumbles)
I know you don't!
Grandma, love you so much, thank you (mumbles)--
- Good job.
Love you.
- I love you too, Gran.
love you.
- [Grandpa] Byebye.
- I mean, a part of me does not want to say
it's gonna change my life, because I would still
be a whole and happy person, but,
oh my god, losing my breasts is like
the most amazing thing ever that's gonna happen to me.
(plane engine roaring)
(laughing, yelling, chattering)
- [Man] Go for it.
- Go for it.
- [Woman] Alright, let's give him a hand!
(people clapping)
- Last meal before, my boob's last meal.
I don't know if people will understand the anxiety
that goes into, when you step out of a shower,
and you look at yourself in the mirror
and see something that's so entirely out of place,
something that completely disrupts
your view of yourself and your identity.
You never get used to it.
(acoustic music)
- [Satnav] Now, turn left.
- I haven't have to worry about the patriarchy now.
(laughing)
- [Nurse] Hi, Pat, I'm Tracy
- Hi, I'm Loretta, I'm Pat's mother, nice to meet you.
- [Nurse] You ready?
Ready to go?
- [Doctor] I'll bring this right to your waist.
Stand straight and kind of keep your shoulders level.
And I just, just get everything as symmetric as we can.
So flat.
(machine beeps)
You can cover 'em up for me, and that's all we need.
Excited?
- Yes!
- About time, huh?
- Yeah, it's about time.
- [Doctor] We're just trying to wait for you--
- I'm just happy he finally gets, you know,
gets to have the surgery, cos I know
how happy it'll make him.
I didn't really see deep into the issue,
how did I fail you as a mother?
And, it makes me so emotional.
You feel as a parent, when you love your child so much
and you don't get to feel those emotions,
but you feel like you've failed them,
you feel you should feel their emotions.
Your connection's so strong.
I believe that Pat was born a boy,
and then we misgendered him.
Bye.
(mumbles)
Say goodbye.
Okay, bye, thank you.
I love you.
(doctors talking in background)
(machines beeping)
- [Anesthetist] I want you to take three or four
really deep breaths for me, all the way in, (inhales),
and all the way out, there you go.
Perfect.
(machinery beeping)
(doctors muttering)
- About how close he is to me,
and this is actually happening.
It's just I can't cross the red line.
Which is sort of how I feel as a parent
of a trans child, because you can never really know
exactly how they feel.
You know.
There's always sort of that red line.
Always.
I'm always proud of Pat.
I just want him to be safe.
That's all.
I can't imagine not being there if my children need me.
You want your kids to be comfortable and accepted,
and when he would go to graduations
I'd make him wear a skirt,
and I'm thinking "why did I do that to him?"
That's really painful for me,
and I made him do those things because I didn't realize.
(sobbing)
I just didn't realize it was so painful for him.
I would take that all back.
I just want him to be happy.
I wish I could take that all back.
So,
I feel like I failed Pat, so horribly.
My difference is, I get the opportunity to change it,
and I don't take that for granted,
I am so thankful for that every day,
and every day I will think about that.
It's not about my reality, it's about Pat's reality.
(doctors talking indistinctly)
It went really well, baby.
Okay?
You feel good?
Feeling good?
- Yeah, I'm grasping it now.
- You're grasping it?
- [Nurse] You just had surgery, that's why.
You're gonna be back, able to do calculus.
- No, that's never happening.
(muttering indistinctly)
- Yeah, and he's coherent and I'm gonna be
taking him home in about half an hour.
So you'll be able to talk to him then.
Yeah, he's good, he's very happy.
Now we do the other side.
- [Pat] I'm hoping that it's all like, wow, this is great,
and I'm really happy.
But I also have to kind of almost anticipate something,
or something happening where I'm not happy
with the way my body looks.
But I'm hoping, fingers crossed, that that doesn't happen.
I know that I'm not going into this alone,
so it makes it much more comforting.
(somber music)
- Jesus.
- Yeah.
- [Loretta] I'm gonna see how long til they kick us out.
- Doing pretty good as long as I don't get jarred
or stand up straight.
And, yeah, mostly just tired
cos my vest is itchy.
But, otherwise feeling pretty good.
I've been trying to explain to people what it's like,
being trans, when you go into that bathroom,
is someone gonna notice,
and is this the day that
someone's gonna take offense from that?
I have to come out, all the time,
and that's something that you always have to,
it's always a fight, and you're always on,
unless you're actually with your own community.
- [Loretta] Is it seven yet?
- Yeah, it's almost eight.
- [Loretta] All my worries have been taken care of today.
We're gonna have a good reveal.
- Okay.
Hello, hey, how are you?
- Good, how are you?
- How you feeling?
- Good, thank you.
- And you're all smiles.
- Yeah, I'm ready to get the threads out.
- Yeah, as long as it's still holding section,
we figure it still has some benefit,
so you won't be getting rid of that now.
Alright, well let's just get started.
So why don't you sit on up here.
It's okay.
Alright, so we're gonna slowly take all this off.
- [Loretta] I can wash it today
while you're taking your shower.
- [Doctor] Can kind of start to see.
Did you take a peek already?
- Barely, like literally up to here.
- [Doctor] Two for two.
Alright, what do you think?
- Looks good!
- [Doctor] Wanna sit up and look for a sec?
I'm gonna put some dressings on.
So you have to kind of squint when you look,
I think it's good to kind of imagine a shadow here,
with the pec muscle coming down.
Once this kind of flattens out,
and this plumps up.
- Yeah.
- The scars fade but you have a general idea
where the scars are.
- And boxing and (mumbles).
Be here for a long time, but like 10 weeks?
- You know, it's a judgment call.
I would think that by about the one month mark
you start to work out and see what feels right.
I mean, we certainly don't wanna blow.
- Yeah, I'm not gonna get hit.
- I don't think anything can be hurt very much
in terms of the surgical repairs.
- Okay, sounds good.
- Thanks.
Good luck with everything.
- Thank you very much, doctor.
- You're welcome, good!
- Can you hear me?
- [Grandma] Yes, baby.
- So we just saw the doctor.
- [Grandma] Oh, what'd she say?
- Everything looks good!
- [Grandma] Oh I'm so glad.
- Thank you for making this possible.
- [Grandma] Oh, it's such a (mumbles),
I love you so much, and I'll talk to you guys later, okay?
- Alright, I love you Grandma, drive safe.
- [Grandma] I shall, bye.
- Alright, bye.
(hopeful music)
(laughing)
No more bras, it's nice.
(hopeful music)
(indistinct muttering)
- Make that feel tighter?
(hopeful music)
(somber music)
- When I was young I saw myself only as a boy.
I knew as I got older, people are like, no you're not.
Before, when I looked, either a very feminine man,
or I looked like a very masculine woman,
then I kind of like was in between both
being a man and a woman.
I'm still not a man that was born a man,
and conditioned that way.
I don't think it was a mistake that I was born female.
But that's a part of my identity
that I don't ever want to lose,
I think that's what I'm really scared,
is not knowing what it feels like
to be viewed as something other than a man.
(zip zipping)
(metal clanking)
Pockets.
Yeah, growing out the fro.
I actually like it.
I didn't think I was going to, but,
I'm digging it.
Except for people trying to touch it.
My boxing style is starting to change.
I don't have the same overwhelming physical strength
that I used to.
My coaches are trying not to get me
to be that person that just kind of tries to maul everyone.
To me, Vic sets such a big precedent
of the way that I should be treated,
and that's just as a normal person.
I go there, I box, I'm known as Pat,
I'm known as a dude, and I spar men, that's it.
I don't think he really realizes
how important that was to me.
Now I'm in a gym where, the only thing I worry about
is getting ready for the next fight.
My shirt used to be a lot looser.
I'm bigger than I used to be when I got this stuff.
Yeah, I definitely feel more comfortable.
I don't feel different.
Which I mean, I know I am different.
But it's nice, when I train, just to be a fighter
and not have to worry about the stuff
I have to worry about every other minute of the day.
(soft acoustic music)
Alrighty.
I, like 10 minutes enjoying some bones.
Like they're feeling the impact.
And because you have more muscle,
you're able to produce more force,
and the tendons and joints aren't adjusted to
that type of output.
So the only thing I'm starting to get concerned about is,
I see on my wrist or hands or joints or ligaments,
my body's still really adjusting
to its current form and how strong it is, basically.
It's such a big difference for people
who are viewed as male or female in our society.
With male athletes, they didn't have to compete against
the entire society, basically.
In female boxing, you had to basically fight
to get a way to even fight.
So we were all really close,
and I kind of,
I kind of miss those certain parts of me.
It's also really hard to see yourself
handed something, to see yourself handed
different privileges when before
you had to fight so hard for them.
(pan sizzling)
You want yours?
- [Girlfriend] I remember the dialog word for word.
- Go for it.
- It was um...
I was at the gym and then he was at a shopping complex
that has a movie theater, and was like,
"I'm gonna go see a movie after we train today."
So I was like, "good for you."
And then, and then, he was like
"Well I have two passes to the movies,
"if you wanna come with me."
And I was like, well, I guess it depends what's playing.
I'll walk over there with you after we work out, and see.
And Sala was playing, and neither of us had seen it,
and so, we went and saw Sala.
And it was not a date.
It was a very long, drawn-out process
of realizing, oh, I think we like each other.
We should talk about this.
- Yeah, I couldn't do anything,
because I didn't wanna be like,
it was a professional work relationship.
- I'm the one that fired you.
- Oh that is not how it happened.
- [Girlfriend] Yes it is.
- You never said I was fired.
It wasn't fired, exactly--
- Oh but it basically was.
(ambient music)
- I started hormones September six, 2013.
I take one milliliter of 200mg of testosterone
every two weeks.
I will have to continue to inject for my entire life.
(ambient music)
I've been passing pretty much as a man
100% of the time, and as also I get to see the way
men treat women and men treat men differently.
I always try to say, I'm transmasculine.
It's my own definition of masculinity
that's outside of what society says masculinity has to be.
Me being shown as a trans athlete,
but it's not helping someone in their everyday life.
It's not just my visibility I'm giving people,
but I'm actually teaching people different things,
and I need to do something more than just
be a person standing in front of a camera.
No, I haven't seen her yet.
- Just trying to make sure we get the right opponent.
And like I said, the thing that concerns me,
of Pat being off so long.
So, I just wanna make sure we're not overmatching Pat
on his first fight.
He loves the final, and has a showdown.
This guy?
- [Man] You saw him before?
- No, they just told me.
How many fights does your guy have?
- 18.
- [Vic] It's been four years.
- I wanna fight the best guy that's here.
Whoever the best one is.
- But, Pat, was, a guy named Vaughn?
- With Vaughn?
Oh no, no.
With Vaughn.
- Yeah, exactly.
That guy real good?
- [Vic] That what weight he is, Friday night?
- The beginning, yeah, then I dropped it down.
- [Vic] Be careful because you've been off
for four years.
I don't care what athlete,
greatest, four years off is a long time.
- You told me there's some guy like he's two of the fights.
Olympian.
- [Vic] I know, I know.
- I'll do the job.
- [Vic] You're just gonna have to be patient.
(birds singing)
- I'm a little over that.
If a man loses to a woman it looks bad,
so what happens when a transmasculine person
goes and fights against a real man
and beats that guy?
Then their whole agenda is questioned,
their whole manliness is questioned,
even though it has nothing to do with that.
It's the way society views it.
- How about that?
- Which one?
- One there who has a (mumbles).
- Oh, the white dude?
- [Vic] Yeah.
- Oh, he was talking to me earlier.
They said yeah, he'll take the fight,
as long as the prematch opponent doesn't show up.
We just gotta hope the prematch opponent doesn't show up!
Like don't show up!
You need this?
- Just in case.
- Guy hasn't shown up, right?
- No, he hasn't shown up.
- And I think it's, definitely going to be
in a lot of guys' minds of how am I gonna look after this?
How is it gonna make me,
how is it gonna check my manhood,
even though it shouldn't any relation to that?
- Feel ready?
- Yeah, I wanna get going.
Oh, let's go.
Yeah, we're gonna do it.
You know, I have a good feeling,
cos it's always like,
when you're the least prepped and ready
and done the most, is always when the fights
actually happen.
So I was like, you know what?
I'm just gonna roll into this,
because it's generally the way things roll.
- Take off.
- Hey, did you say bounce?
- Yeah.
- What do you mean next time?
Your fighter's ready to go.
We're here, what do you wanna wait for?
Wait til you have to fight me in a tournament?
There's no choice?
That's what I looked over,
and I was like, something's going on.
- I see him grab his book,
I was, what's he grabbing his book for?
He said, coach said no.
I said why?
- They won't tell you why?
I mean the thing is, all you have to do
is Google my name, things pop up.
Someone told them something, I don't know what it was,
it made them change their mind.
The term people like to use, fragile masculinity,
people are afraid that it's a no-win situation for them,
that I'm not a real man so,
if you beat me, it's beating a girl,
if you get beat by me, which is I think
what the real fear is, cos I have a lot of experience,
then you lose to girl.
I really thought today was gonna be the day,
and I thought it was really fitting considering
this was the day I had to leave my gym and my team,
it would've been super victorious to be like, ha!
I'm gonna reclaim this day as something,
where I was able to fight.
But instead it's one of those, hmm,
was this transphobia actually robbing me of a moment?
I don't know.
The sense of confidence I basically have in myself,
I think a lot of that comes from
being from a household that always told me
that I was worth it.
I was never told that I couldn't be something,
that I couldn't do something,
that was a great foundation of believing in myself.
(hiphop music playing)
(water running) (ambient music)
I very rarely let doubt creep into my head.
When I want something, I really really want it.
And even as tired as I am,
I'll figure out a way to push through to get there.
I don't wanna lose, I don't wanna look bad,
I wanna be able to compete,
I don't want any more setbacks.
I wanna be full steam forward, from here on now,
and that's gonna keep me propelling me forward each time.
(distant cheering and applause)
(bell rings)
(audience applauds)
The prematch people before us.
Apparently our fight's gonna be the, the fight.
(tense music)
(indistinct talking)
(audience applauds)
(tense music)
(grunting)
(bell rings)
(audience applauds)
(muttering)
- Make sure you keep a straight right hand, right.
(grunts)
(audience cheers and applauds)
(announcer speaking indistinctly)
(audience cheers and applauds)
- [Announcer] Thank you very much.
And for everyone that did a job.
- Yeah, that definitely knocked off some rust!
(announcer speaking indistinctly)
- I know, I know, I love you.
- [Announcer] 813.
- Yeah, I felt super rusty though,
especially that first round.
- Yeah, it's a long time.
- I know.
You know how I can be,
hard on myself.
- It's a great start.
- As long as you're happy with it.
I'll just keep working hard,
we're gonna come back and spar.
So, that's the only way I'll get better.
- On Wednesday.
- How was it back?
- It was tough, man.
It was tough.
I felt like really rusty, especially the first round.
- You didn't get though.
- It's, gotta keep moving.
That's it.
- Dig it.
- Thank you.
- Alright.
- I'll see you on Monday.
I really really miss feeling my arm raise,
and I miss hearing them announce my name.
And I miss, I even miss just the congratulations
afterwards, and then the pride from my coaches
who put the work into me too.
I really, I miss feeling like a winner,
and I think I haven't really felt like that
in years, because I haven't won a fight in so long.
(engine revving)
(ambient music)
(talking in background) (ambient music)
This is how I always saw myself in my head.
It's finally having an outward image
to match the one in my mind.
I really can't even explain how liberating it is.
Every day, just kind of like,
just feel my chest, be like, this is actually here,
it's not a dream.
(cheering and laughing)
I might need some more lighter fluid.
There we go!
Boom.
(laughing and indistinct talking)
That is like a (mumble) bra.
Somebody's burning to put to put a fucking (mumbles).
There's no deeper meaning, I can tell you that.
Other than, I thought it would be hilarious.
I've never been able to burn a bra, and now I can.
- [Girl] You enjoy yourself.
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