(humming Walking Dead theme)
- Jadis evades murder by covering one
of her fellow trash people in trash, very on-brand,
then plays dead in his brain juice.
And when a savior says negotiating wasn't her game,
he's right, but turns out keeping your eyes open
in a high-pressure situation is her game,
and she's playing to win.
Cool! Time for a nappy nap.
Jadis's junkyard apartment aesthetic is inspired.
I can only hope to one day live in a place
that Instagram-able, and it's a total Gram package:
vintage camera, cool luggage, distressed denim,
guy in plaid salving in the corner.
Huh, okay, so at least my apartment has one of those things.
Tara has some good news.
She says it's been over a day
since her opinion on Dwight has changed,
and the doc thinks she's cured of flip-flopitis.
Daryl says the same crap he said last week,
and these two celebrate Easter
by resurrecting a dead conversation
they've already had twice.
Michonne interrupts Rick,
putting on his trusty murder jacket,
and tells him to read Carl's blog post
from beyond the grave.
But Rick has a confession to make.
"I can't, I can't!
"I can't read stuff and things!"
Michonne tries reasoning, and Rick hits her
with a head-tilt angle and general eyeball energy
that says, "Reason has no place here."
Morgan's mumbling a whole lot
of could'ves, should'ves, supposed-to crazy,
and Carol wants in on this nut-job action.
Negan tries his best to make things right with Jadis.
He says he really punched himself in the dick on this one,
and he's sorry everyone she knows is dead.
And that is how you apologize.
Jadis almost kills him, and gets stopped
by his invisible plot armor.
It's all fun and games until your friend catches you
yelling at a dead kid in the woods
who isn't there and might not even be dead.
Morgan tells Carol everything's cool
and once again says, "I don't die"
with the conviction of a crackhead
about to rollerblade down Mount Everest.
Rick dramatically looks at his dumb hat
and is overwhelmed with feelings of being a parent.
So he tells Judith to be safe,
don't play with anything sharp, and gets out of there.
Rick asks Face Pubes if he has any intel
on a place where survivors on foot,
who may be injured, might hole up to figure things out
and grow their face pubes.
Face Pubes says Rick should consider showing them mercy.
Rick acknowledges this mercy thing,
definitely an interesting option, then turns his back
and examines a fully-loaded assault rifle.
I'm no expert in junkyard hostages and didn't graduate
from any fancy junkyard hostage university,
but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed
to leave your junkyard hostage alone
with various stuffs he could use to escape and kill you.
Carol wants to follow Henry's trail, but Morgan can't do it.
He says he only watches people die,
forever haunted by Tabitha the Goat.
Morgan is teetering on the edge of an emotional collapse
so intense, it will send him into a spin-off series.
They say goodbye for now and shake on a bloody stick.
Negan wants to know what kind
of Doctor Evil stuff Jadis is trying to pull here,
and he knows Jadis must be desperate
because she's almost talking in full sentences.
Negan reveals Lucille was once the name of his wife,
and he named his bat after her so she could live on
and give a million other guys headaches.
The helicopter has risen again.
Happy Easter.
Trying to appeal to Jadis one last time,
Negan swears on his sack, and it makes you wonder
how many more time does he have to comedically refer
to his testicles before someone around here
takes him seriously?
Morgan confesses he's not doing so hot these days
after sneaking up on a guy he's known for years
and almost killing him.
Rick says, "Cool beans."
He's also out for a murder stroll, hence the murder jacket.
So lets link up for revenge, a dish best served splitsies.
It's bad enough their friends
just chopped their arm and leg off,
but to lay there dying and hear them repeatedly refer
to death as Poochigan,
I mean, just kill me now. Hell, kill me yesterday!
Murder Jack and Rick negotiates.
He says they made a split-second decision
to leave Hilltop, and they blew it big time,
but they should make another hasty decision right now,
to trust him and come back,
because they're also good at this quick-decision stuff.
And when the walkers show up,
they decide they're ready to go Team Grimes.
But after Rick gets a gun
and Morgan gets a stick to balance his gun,
wait for it,
April Fools bitches!
Everybody gonna die!
Morgan stalks the one that got away
then holds him while he gets chewed upon on some real,
no you hang up first,
shit.
Rick reveals the dirty secret,
that he lied about having them over for zombie brunch
in case he couldn't figure it out
by the fact that everyone's dead.
Rick takes a fun stroll down Murder Memory Lane with Morgan
then looks in that broken mirror
and realizes he just got seven more seasons of bad luck.
Carol miraculously saved new Carl, but she better watch out.
If he's really new Carl, and he's definitely new Carl,
he got bit back there, but it's going to take
two more Sundays before he dies.
Rick and Morgan return from their murder stroll.
Morgan greets the kid he left for dead
by telling him the awesome news
that he killed the guy who killed his brother
then teaches him the valuable lesson every kid should know
to never be sorry for anything ever,
and Rick finally reads Carl's letter
that has valuable advice he could've used days ago
to not kill all those people he just killed.
Tune in next week.
Who did Negan pick up in his car?
Hopefully someone who can explain that goddamn helicopter.
What will Daryl and Rosita do to Eugene?
They're going to break into his bullet factory
and turn his face into a bullet piggy bank.
What surprises does Negan have
for everyone back at the sanctuary?
They have to help him move a couch next weekend,
the worst kind of surprise.
None of this and more, next time on the Walking Dead.
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