Guys, we have Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally
on the show tonight. [ Cheers and applause ]
We have -- We have music from The National tonight.
[ Cheers and applause ]
We have our pal Post Malone here!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Post's new album is called "Beer Bongs and Bentleys."
[ Laughter ]
He loves beer so much.
He loves beer so much,
President Trump just nominated him to be on the Supreme Court.
That's how much he loves beer.
Well, the big story
is still Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh.
The FBI is investigating claims
about his drinking and sexual misconduct.
In response, Kavanaugh said, "Whatever.
If you need me, I'll be at Oktoberfest."
[ Laughter ]
Now, what you're saying...
But in an interview this weekend,
Republican Senator Lindsey Graham
said Kavanaugh isn't a stumbling, bumbling drunk.
When he heard that, Kavanaugh was like,
[ Slurring ] "You're my best friend, Lindsey.
Why do you hate me? Why do you hate me?"
[ Laughter ]
That's right. The FBI is now investigating Kavanaugh.
And while they do,
several Republicans are speaking up to defend him,
especially the fact that he liked to drink in college.
For example, Senator Todd Young said,
"I am voting 'yes' on Kavanaugh.
Who among us didn't do something stupid
when we were -- well, my last name?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
And Senator -- Senator Mike Rounds chimed in.
He said, "It's true. Back in the day
I was known to enjoy a few -- well, my last name."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Then Representative Ted Budd spoke up and he said,
"Not one night would go by without me cracking
at least three or four -- well, my last names."
[ Laughter ]
And finally, Senator Chuck Grassley was like,
"When I was in school, all we did was smoke, well, marijuana."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Wait, what? -What?
-That's not the game.
That's not the game.
It's a big deal though.
The Senate called for a one-week Kavanaugh investigation.
And in response, Trump released
an official statement about the week-long investigation.
Check it out. First, Trump said,
"It's been one week since they looked at Brett."
He cocked his head to the side and said, "I'm angry."
[ Laughter ]
Then he said, "Five days since that hearing mess.
So the FBI will get together, come back and see me.
Three days since the living room.
I realized it's all my fault, but couldn't tell you.
♪ Chickity China the Chinese chicken ♪
♪ You have a drumstick and your brain stops ticking ♪
♪ Watching "X-Files" with no lights on ♪
♪ We're like Dans La Maison ♪
♪ I hope the Smoking Man's in this one ♪
♪ It's been, it's been, it's been, it's been ♪
♪ It's been, it's been, it's been, it's been ♪
♪ It, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it's been ♪
♪ One week since you looked at me ♪
No, no, no. I don't want -- Sorry, I apologize.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪ It's been, it's been ♪
Oh, guys, here's another big story.
[ Laughter ]
What just -- What just happened? What just happened?
Here's another big story, guys.
Today, the U.S. and Mexico and Canada
announced a three-way trade agreement.
Trump didn't even read the deal.
He just heard the phrase "three-way"
and said, "I'm in." And then you go, oh.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Some business news here.
After getting in trouble for misleading tweets
about his company,
Elon Musk is stepping down as chairman of Tesla.
Yeah, he's sad it ended this way.
And since his car is silent,
everyone could hear him crying as he drove away.
[ Laughter ]
[ Sobbing ]
That's how he cries?
-Yeah, wow. -Wow.
"Oh, no."
His windows were rolled down and everything.
-Yeah, exactly.
-Come on. Just wait until you get to the end of the corner.
-Turn on the radio, at least.
-[ Sobbing ]
♪ -It's been. ♪
-Listen to this, guys.
A survey conducted by California Pizza Kitchen
found that pizza is Americans' favorite food.
[ Cheers and applause ]
California Pizza Kitchen.
Not surprising, the study also found
that America's favorite state is California
and their favorite room is kitchen.
-Really? -Yeah.
California Pizza -- They did the survey.
They did the survey.
Turns out everyone loves pizza.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. Unbelievable.
You guys see this?
On a recent episode of "Jeopardy!"
a contestant proposed to his girlfriend during the show.
Watch this.
-I just wanted to say one quick thing
and ask Maria Shaffer right there.
-Who is Maria? Where is she? Oh, hello, Maria.
-If she would make me a winner today and marry me.
[ Audience aws ]
-That would be "What is yes?"
-Aw. [ Laughter ]
Well, that's one way to get out of small talk with Alex Trebek.
[ Laughter and applause ]
It got awkward when he popped the question
and another contestant tried to buzz in.
"What is -- What is yes?"
It's also a good thing
she answered right away instead of going...
[ "Jeopardy!" theme music ]
[ "Jeopardy!" theme music ]
[ Laughter ]
"What is yes? What is yes?"
It was beautiful.
And finally, check this out.
A contestant on the U.K. version of "The X Factor"
was finishing his performance
and he had a little trouble with the ending.
Don't worry. He's okay. But watch this.
♪ -But I won't change for nothing else ♪
♪ To be dipping biscuits in cup of teas tonight ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Oh!
[ Laughter ]
-Whoa!
-He's okay.
-Oh! -You know --
You know, whenever a guy
pulls out an acoustic guitar at a party,
that's secretly what everyone wants to see.
[ Laughter and applause ]
We have a great show tonight. Give it up for the Roots!
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