-Let's get to some news.
It just came out that President Trump
still uses his personal, unsecured cellphone,
which lets China and Russia listen to his calls.
Americans were shocked. They were like,
"You guys actually want to listen to Trump?"
[ Laughter ]
Did you read this? A new article says
the White House staff can't get Trump to stop using his iPhone.
But they have a plan to make him get rid of it.
They're gonna change his wallpaper to the Mexican flag.
And then that should -- That should stop him.
But in the article, officials said Trump
isn't spilling secrets on the phone
'cause he doesn't read enough
intelligence reports to know any.
[ Laughter ]
Trump would've been furious but he didn't read the article.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Some more news. At a rally last night,
Trump had some trouble saying the name of a woman he endorsed,
Leah Vukmir.
Listen to how he said it.
-So if you want to uphold our laws, our borders,
and our way of life, you need to vote
for Scott Walker and Leah Vyukmaarr.
[ Laughter ]
-Wow.
-"And Leah Vyukmarayar."
He bails -- He bails on Walker, though.
You could hear him.
If you play it again, he bails on Walker.
-...for Scott Walker and Leah Vyukmaarr.
[ Laughter ]
-He saw that name, and he's like, "Whoa."
It sounds like he's trying to read the Ikea catalog.
Like, "The vyukmaarr has lots of drawers and storage
in the vyukmaarr."
Speaking of mispronouncing, on a show last week,
Lou Dobbs was talking about the migrant caravan
making its way through a town in Mexico called Huixtla.
Check out how he said it.
-The caravan of mostly Central American immigrants
is now in the Mexican city of Wah-ho-lah tonight --
[ Laughter ]
-What? What?!
That's -- That's -- Oh, no.
-Come on. Wackalacka.
-I gotta see that one more time.
-...Mexican city of Wah-ho-lah...
[ Laughter ]
-Wow. Did he just stub his toe or something?
Hoo, haah!
-Jerry Lewis?
-Sounds like he just stepped in a shower that's way too cold.
He's like, "In the town of Wa-haaaah."
[ Laughter ]
Guys, get this -- tomorrow at the White House,
Trump is hosting a summit for young Republican black leaders.
The guest list includes Kanye.
[ Laughter ]
Moving on, as I mentioned, Trump's been...
[ Laughter ]
...speaking at a lot of rallies and giving a lot of interviews,
and he's usually saying some pretty questionable things.
And while we can't filter what he says,
we can filter how he looks when he says it.
I'll show you what I mean. It's time for "Trump Filters."
Here we go.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I don't trust everybody in the White House.
I'll be honest with you.
I'm usually guarded.
[ Laughter ]
And I think I'm guarded anyway,
but I'm not saying I trust everybody in the White House.
I'm not a baby. This is a vicious place.
[ Baby voice ] Washington, D.C., is a vicious, vicious place.
-Yeah, that's right. [ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, guys, Halloween is less than a week away,
which means lots of people will be dressing up.
But if you work in an office, it could be a little tough
to figure out exactly what is and is not appropriate to wear.
So, here with some last-minute suggestions of what's acceptable
for a workplace environment
is Halloween costumes expert Andrew Karn.
Welcome back, Andrew.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Everything going great? -Yeah, very good.
Yes, very nice. -Is it good?
The wife is good? -Yes, wife is okay.
Wife is not doing well.
-Thank you so much for being here.
She's not doing well? -No, you know, it's okay.
-Oh, wow. Sorry for that.
-Oh, no, that's all right.
-All right, well, thank you for being here.
Andrew, you are a Halloween costumes expert.
Is that correct? -Yes, that's my profession.
-Oh, wow. [ Laughter ]
Would you mind explaining what is and is not appropriate
for a work setting? -Absolutely.
[ Laughter ]
Now, the key to choosing an office-friendly costume
is playful caution.
For example, one costume that is appropriate is this.
So, here we see a classic cowboy.
-Sure, sure. [ Laughter ]
-You know, button-down shirt with suede vest panels.
-That's great. -Right, perfectly work-friendly.
But what would not be appropriate
would be something like this.
-Oh, oh, yeah. I see.
-Now this is a sexy baby costume.
[ Laughter ]
-Not sure I'd call it sexy.
-While the Teddy-bear-pattern shirt, bib, and bonnet
are acceptable... [ Laughter ]
...the short, bulky diaper is far too revealing.
You can expect anyone wearing this costume
to get a stern finger-wagging from the boss.
Someone's been a bad baby. -Oh, boy.
Now, see, I see --
So you're saying the cowboy is fine but the baby is not?
-Exactly.
[ Laughter ]
It's a bit confusing.
Would you like me to explain further?
-Yeah, please. That would help.
-Terrific. Now, if you want to wear
a costume that won't get you in trouble, you can wear this.
Now pictured here... -Oh, that's -- yeah.
-Pictured here is your basic witch.
-Understood, Andrew.
-But what absolutely cannot be worn is this.
Now -- [ Laughter and applause ]
-Whoa, hey, that is -- Come on.
-Well, now -- -Come on.
-Wearing this costume to work
would get you fired almost immediately.
-Yes, it should.
-Now, while at first it appears to be
a standard police officer's uniform...
[ Laughter ]
-It does? -Yeah.
-I don't think so. -Now, if you look closely,
you'll see a tight, black mesh harness.
-I understand what it is. Yeah.
-The word "police" on it. Sexy leather hat.
Once again, reminding you this is the police.
-Yeah, it is the police.
-Sexually suggestive dangling handcuffs.
-Yeah, okay, very good.
-And black underpants that are mesh on the backside.
-Oh! Hey! [ Audience screams ]
-No! That's -- No, we understand now, please.
-Do we want to go back to the photo?
-No, no. -Now, aside from being
wildly inappropriate, it's not even realistic.
I mean, I'm almost certain I've never seen
a certified police officer wear this outfit.
-Now, Andrew, I can't believe I'm gonna say this,
but I'm gonna read it off the card.
-Yeah. -I'm not --
I'm still not fully getting it. -Well, that's perf--
[ Laughter ]
That's perfectly understandable. -Is that right?
-Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, that's understandable.
-What's the next -- What's the next line?
[ Laughter ]
What's the next line?
-It's that someti--
I think it's that sometimes it's confusing for people.
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah, that's true. -Did I get it? All right!
-Yeah, you got it. All right, yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
So, to clarify -- -To clarify...
-This costume -- -...is office-appropriate.
-That is appropriate? -Very appropriate.
Now here we see a goof clown.
[ Laughter ]
-A goof clown? -Yep.
Curly, multicolored rainbow wig.
Red sneaker with exaggerated toe.
Of course, topped off with a bulbous red nose.
-Full makeup.
Completely acceptable and very funny.
Less acceptable, however, is this kitty cat.
-No, no, no. [ Laughter ]
-Or this -- Or this skeleton.
-Oh, my God. -Or this, which I don't
even think is a Halloween costume.
-Oh, what is going on here? [ Laughter ]
Andrew. -You mustn't forget about these.
-Oh, now Andrew Karn!
Get out! Andrew, get out!
No, that way! Get out!
That way. Sorry. That way, yeah.
Get out. Get your stuff.
No, don't slip. Take your stuff. It's here.
Take this with you.
Sorry.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Unbelievable. -Unbelievable.
-Unbelievable, that guy. -Well, I never.
-Finally, the news is so crazy lately,
sometimes it almost feels like
someone blended a bunch of stories together.
So we thought, what if we took some real headlines
and blended them together?
Would the new stories be any crazier than the actual news?
Let's find out. If you blend the stories,
"Fashion line releases toasty nose warmers,"
"Inflatable colon falls off truck,"
and "Old Navy selling trendy fleece jeans,"
you get, "Trendy fall fashion --
Old Navy's toasty fleece colon warmers."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Not bad.
Next up, if you blend the stories,
"Spanx expands into swimwear,"
"Album 'Baby One More Time' turns 20,"
and "Ben & Jerry give ice cream to Democrats,"
you get "Ben gives Jerry 20 Spanx,
Jerry screams 'Baby One More Time.'"
[ Cheers and applause ]
And here's the last one. If you blend the stories,
"Trump tweets big night in Texas,"
"Toilet system on recall,"
and "Man eats 400 chili dogs a year,"
you get, "Trump eats 400 recalled chili dogs,
tweets "Big night on toilet." There you go.
We have a great show tonight.
Give it up for The Roots!
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