okay the end so it's like the middle of
the night right now and I'm doing it
special jun fan friday because i was up
pretty late tonight i was working i was
i went out i carded a little i hung out
and then I do what I do a lot of times
which is if I don't feel like I've
accomplished enough I go back to my work
and I start responding to you guys and
coming up with ideas and as I was doing
that I got a couple emails with some
questions that really kind of hit home
and I'm trying to combine right now like
a phone tree on friday with a public
therapy session because i feel like it's
super needed Arthur is with this person
press SS anonymously you make me feel
like I'm not crazy I feel like we go
through the same shit do you feel like
you have it all together because I look
up to you i'm going to be like you but
i'm a mess help me Jason um oh man you
know I I know I don't have it all
together I was just saying today in
therapy it's like you know it's a
constant a constant theme of my sessions
is trying to get away from black and
white tanking and deal with the gray
area a little bit more because that's
what life is you can't control a lot of
what happens in your life but for me
particularly the things that mean the
most you made the way a network accepts
my pitches um
I based a lot of my self-worth in my
career and as it just so happens most of
what i find really important I have no
control over so as I look at things in
my life and I go okay Jason is something
to get angry about like did you actually
fuck up or did something happen that was
out of your control and you couldn't
really there was nothing you could do
about this like don't feel bad about it
it's unfortunate but move on and the
more I think about that it's like the
less i feel like i have control of my
life and you guys know I suffer from you
know certain disorders and that's
definitely a trigger for one of them my
eating disorder is out of control right
now I'm having trouble figuring out the
balance between not beating myself up
about things that I can't control and
also still caring and putting effort
into things that I can control no but
it's hard to go where do I check out you
know like where's that magic line so no
I think you know we're all just trying
to live our life and figure out where we
belong and unfortunately right now I
feel like I'm in a position where if I
were to walk into my own office adjacent
me were to walk into my own office to be
like where would you place me and I
could put him anywhere I wouldn't know
where to put the guy and if I don't know
who the hell else would and I think that
you know for me it's comedy and
entertainment but for a lot of you it
may just be like where do I cutting to
see it we're like puzzle pieces where do
we go and that's like sometimes the
hardest thing
to figure out and no i haven't figured
it out yet I feel like I'm on the right
path but sometimes it's really easy to
lose focus and direction I know when I
talk to you seems to know either I can
call my agent for directions like to
tell them about a TV show I just saw a
promotion for and it was blink verbatim
on the fucking network and everything
I've said in an email about three and a
half four weeks ago it was an idea that
I pitched and I literally watched it
come to fruition and I had nothing to do
with it and he's like look you see that
he seemed to be you got your head in the
right place you know keep your finger on
the pulse keep my king club pocket pulse
light pulse a vision artery on Hollywood
Boulevard right and it's because nobody
knows what to do no one really knows
what to do including me and it is a
daily mental battle to try to state
fucking sane and not drive myself crazy
and then you know my mother says
something to me that I can't help but
like think about it like I don't see you
having a show I don't like thanks a lot
more it's like all I fucking watch is
like no I see you doing a lot of random
things
and I'm like you know what maybe being
part of a lot of different things is
really more what my ability is you know
like I have very short attention span
for things half the reason that I'm not
probably more successful as my work
ethic and I'm fucking lazy I don't like
to work I like things to be changed up
and switched in random you know I don't
want to do the same thing over and over
again I may be a show is to plant maybe
it would be very underwhelming for me I
don't know I could see that name my past
agent I mean he wasn't very good with
the career but he was pretty good you
know it knowing me and figuring out what
I'm like it's like you know which it
just does you're never going to be happy
you're going to get something big and
you're never going to be happy you're
always going to want something more and
you know what he's fucking right I'm not
even motivated by money if there was a
hundred million dollars at the end of a
block or a hundred million fans I would
run to the people like it was like I
needed them struck an oxygen and I was
running out of air whereas my brother on
the other hand and most people would be
like I'm running right to the bunny
awesomer I don't want people find out
money I don't need him anymore but not
me i'm fueled by them at the same time
personally just take it close to get
scared and I don't trust them yet those
same people are the ones that keep me
going a weird way to live I've never
really felt like I live in society ever
feel this way like you don't live in
society you live at society like you're
you're outside looking in you're not
really engaged you're just kind of
experiencing it
and maybe of comments about it or you
absorb it or experience it in your own
way but you're not really immersed your
kind of like on that exterior like if
the hubcap is where everyone is if you
were out on the tread a little bit
looking and going also it's all about
right it's safer we're talking sure and
safer over there but detached as well
anyway I guess information now I
wouldn't worry if you're a mess I think
we're all a mess in some way I know I
and I just want to embrace it I'm so
sick and tired of trying to change it or
fix it you know what maybe we're a mess
because it's inspiring to something we
need to do maybe you guys hearing about
my messy lifestyle is exciting and fun
and you enjoy it and it gets me material
and maybe that my purpose is to share it
so keep looking and keep trying but
don't feel like you failed if you can't
really once you keep going you can't
fail you're trying I love you get up and
I will talk to you soon excellent field
Friday I promise you will have a
different vibe to it just feel like it I
needed to do this all right let me last
you
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