Do you want to know why someone who is an adamant supporter of spanking is now completely against it
What would make someone decide to forego everything they were raised with to do the complete opposite
Well, that's what we're going to talk about on this episode of this parenting life
Hi, I'm Mary and this indulgent life I help you navigate parenting education and living your
extraordinary life
So this week for our first episode of this parenting life
We are going to look at the 7 reasons why I decided to become a gentle parent
Have you decided to be a more gentle and respectful parent?
Let me know why in the comments below and if you're still on the fence
What are you worried about that's holding you back?
So this week on this parenting life we're talking about my journey to gentle parenting the 7 reasons
I decided that this would be the parenting method that I
Move forward with despite everything I used to believe I
Used to believe that kids needed spanking they needed timeouts and
I am
Pretty much a Yeller. That's what I grew up with
It's I guess what I'm used to and I'm working on it, but I've realized that
What I thought gentle parenting was aka permissive parenting. It's not
Gentle parenting does not equal permissive parenting. And so I had to let that worry go first off
Then I had to start looking at
Why was spanking yelling timeouts? Why did those things?
Not work, or did they work?
It's started I think as a teacher
I am an art teacher and I a few years ago
I started looking into teaching for artistic behavior. We're really trust children the whole premise
is that children are the artist and the art room is their studio and if there's a lot of trust that goes on there because
Kids design their own artwork they get their own materials. They clean up their own materials
There's a lot of trust that goes into that that's not something most teachers
Allow to happen
So as I was learning and teaching I
Started seeing kids in a different light and I started trusting them more and I started realizing
You know what?
Kids have their own ideas. They have their own feelings
they're not just
vessels to input everything into
They don't need us telling them what to do all the time in order to make the right decisions or good decisions
There's more to them than that. I
Also started looking at our culture and if you realize our culture
Does not think well of children, I mean just look at our language don't act like a child
Stop being so childish
You can just see in the way that we talk we don't think very much of children
When I realized that needed to change
so the deciding moment came when booky was 10 months old and
He kept we had this fan sitting on the small platform
Totally within reach of his little fingers
Childproofing isn't really something we did or could do where we lived so he just kept going for the fan
He wanted to stick his fingers and the grades of the fan. I don't know why
But this was his thing
And my husband got a little annoyed with that I did too
But he thought we needed to stop it now and he asked me to slap his hands and I realized at that moment
Something did not feel right my instincts kind of went into overdrive and I was just like why am I slapping his hands and
Until that point I had completely trusted my instincts with parenting
Whatever felt right is what we ended up doing and it had gotten us pretty good so far. So we
decided to really look into this feeling I
had
Realized through some Facebook mom groups that you know, I'm addicted to that
What I did was a little bit more towards the attachment parenting style
So I started researching that which led me to gentle and respectful parents and then that kind of opened my eyes
into this world in
Realizing. I mean I even researched
What our different parenting styles I went that far?
I wanted to know what the different parenting styles were with the differences where the pros and the cons and
I I'm a respecter holic, so I researched all and in the end I decided that I was wrong
I could see all the science behind the
Authoritarian style of parenting and I realized I did not want that for my child
So quick disclaimer. I do not blame my parents for everything wrong in my life
I know that's a big one that people say Millennials and my generation does I don't
Our parents did what they thought they needed to do our parents
Tried the best that they could with what they had. I know my mom in her
Just wanted to make sure I didn't turn out like her. I'm fairly certain. There's a big like wave
It's like a roller coaster each generation. We kind of go back and forth trying to not do what our parents did
But in the end I think my mom turned out pretty great I think that
Her fears were
part of what pushed her and
She got some advice that she thought she should go with
But as we all know know better do better they didn't have the research that we have now
So they couldn't have done anything different. They just did what they could and my kids. I'm sure will do the same
So there's no mom judging here. No mom shaming
Everyone is on their own journey
Everyone is at different stages in their journey
I just hope that this helps you kind of look at your parenting style a little bit and make sure that you understand why
You have chosen what you have chosen?
So my seven reasons
Why I decided to begin, which other parent reason number one
Punitive punishments don't work
studies over the last several decades have showed us
But they don't work if they do work. It's only in the immediate
Part that they work long-term
Instead shows us so many other things
for one hitting baguettes hitting
When you hit your child your child will then go hit others
it's just they are little sponges and they soak up everything that you do and
they see you punishing them when you're upset and you feel they wronged you and
So when somebody else wrongs them?
That's how they solve their problem
Emily Rothman of the Boston University she's an associate professor. She says that's and I'm going to read it here
So give me a second the experience of having someone
direct aggression to you
Increases the likelihood that you'll fall back on aggression would in a fight-or-flight
Moment
Having been hit by a parent can elevate stress and reduces a child's coping skills
So they may lash out. I
Would say they would do lash out most the time
in fact whenever as a teacher
I've seen kids hit other kids and I bring them over and I talked to them every
Single time
Or at least 98% of the time
That child
Child a hit child B
Because he felt child B had wronged him in some way and so he felt he needed to hit him
when you don't teach your child how
to
handle these situations without hitting
Then that's what they're gonna revert to
When you spank a child for what they've done wrong?
They're going to feel the need to hit other child when they do wrong
It's just the way things work, it's just that's what they have associated
That's the step by step process that they have come to the conclusion of
punitive punishments also create a cycle of misbehavior
Catherine Taylor says the odds of a child being more aggressive at age five
Increased by 50% Let me say that again the odds of a child being
more aggressive at age five increased
50% if he had been spanked more than twice in the month prior to the study began
50% so if just two speakings in a month increases aggression, imagine what?
Spankings every day or even once a week would do
So most children don't behave better just because there's pain in fact studies have shown that
The more you spank the more child miss a child will misbehave
Children will learn to lie better. They will learn to hide things better
And if it does work, they just kind of learn to give up
because it just starts feeling like
They are bad and they can't do anything right? They'll never get it right every time they try
They just get spanked because the child doesn't have impulse control yet
They don't have that ability to regulate and to stop themselves from squirreling off
And so even though they've tried and tried and tried to try to try and hosen and they fail then they get spanked
To them. It doesn't matter that they've tried a hundred times already
They make mistake once
What's you know?
Do I cry anymore?
So as you can see, even though spanking does work. It just creates a fear of doing wrong. It creates anxiety
I
Mean you get afraid of annoying people
You are afraid of yourself even and that brings us to point number two
reason number two
Spanking is actually detrimental to your child's health mental health and their physical health
There have been numerous studies over the last several decades that show the damaging effects on the brain as well as the toll it takes
on the body
There are several studies and if you read the blog you can see several links to these studies or articles on these studies
That show the effects on mental health you have depression anxiety
Antisocial tendencies, especially in little boys
suicidal thoughts if not actions
Personality disorders self-injury and even substance abuse
Some of these will start early most of these take 5 10 15 years to really show the effects
Studies have shown that
physical punishment may actually decrease the gray matter in your brain and that gray matter is actually
really important to your overall
Working system. It is in charge of the nervous system. It is in charge of sensory perception
It controls your memories and so much more there was also another study that says that spankings
Correlated with an increased risk of obesity
arthritis and even heart disease
So
Not only did I just read this
Ok, I mean, but I feel like my husband and I actually have experienced this
For me personally
Obviously, we actually we both have the obesity issue
But I would say that's not completely just for spankings. I mean, don't get me wrong
There's a whole series of reasons there. I do have arthritis
And then my memories I do have long term memory, but my short term memory is very very
Short I don't have one. Okay, my short term memories
Suck for like a better word. I
I've always felt since I was a child
That I had the memories of an eight year old woman in the body of an 80 year old woman. I
Experienced tons of physical issues I have sensory issues
I mean
smells touches taste I
Can't stand some things to the point where it actually affects my ability to do things
So I do have nervous system issues. I do have endocrine issues
so I would say that it's quite a possibility that
The spankings had something to do with all of these issues. I wouldn't say all of them, but it's a possibility
My husband herself. He has gut issues he has
aggression issues we both have anxiety issues
I
Would say probably we've also both had a suicidal issue our thoughts faith is the only thing that's gotten me through those
We've probably both have gone through depression
so
Yeah nurse I'm not gonna get into the particulars here again
You can read more on the blog
But we have a lot of things that kind of correlate with these studies and you start to wonder
If even a small percentage of this is true
if even just a fraction of the issues that we have can be
Attributed to our spankings and physical punishments as a kid
Why am I going to risk my son having any of these?
Why would I if there's another way why won't I take that way?
So yeah number two is a big one for us. It really could affect your child's health
Reason number three
Punitive punishments do not teach a child to self-regulate their emotions
Research shows that time and time again
children who are raised in spank control households
Do not have the tools to regulate their emotions
They routinely rely on aggression or repression to not only deal with their own emotions, but the emotions of others
we cannot expect our children to
Control their temper if we cannot control our own
So in how this relates to us personally for me
I bottle up my emotions and then I explode
in my household negative emotions were not to be displayed and
If they were you could expect to be either punished or ignored
So I really don't know how to deal with my emotions very well. This is a whole learning journey that I'm sharing with you
For Hubby emotions were dealt with by making jokes
We're kind of just shoving it under the rug. I
Mean I get it jokes break the tension it's easier to deal with emotions when all of a sudden you're laughing about it instead
And negative emotions aren't comfortable things to deal with. I'm not sure which direction was better, but it definitely has
attributed to our own issues as adults
Not being able to process our own emotions and deal with the emotions of others
Is definitely one of the top three reasons why we have decided to try gentle parenting
You see hubby has anxiety and OCD has
Possibly even a DD as well as his father and his siblings by his father as well
So there's a genetic component there that I have to be aware of with my son
And then of course there's me
As I've gotten older I become more and more and more afraid of messing up to the point where I don't even start things. I
Have anxiety in most situations. My hubby has had to actually push me to get out of the house sometimes
Because he can be hard for me in social situations
People think of me as a social butterfly because once I you know get started, I'm usually okay
But be honest, I'm scared out of my mind most the time. I'm afraid of being rejected
I struggle to maintain my composure when I feel overwhelmed most days
Basically, we can barely name more than the handful of emotions. Never mind know how to deal with them. I
Don't want that kind of life for boogie if he is gonna have a genetic predisposition
to anxiety depression and
Feeling of being overwhelmed
anxiety then I want to make sure to give him the tools that he needs to deal with those issues in a
Productive and not destructive way
Reason number four why I've decided to gentle parent punitive punishments make it more difficult to learn
In a quote by Molly s Costello PhD, she says I'm going to read her mere
spanking of Rhodes developmental growth in children and decrease as a child's IQ a
Recent Canadian study shows this analysis conducted at the Children's Hospital of Eastern
Ontario in Ottawa offers new evidence that corporal punishment causes cognitive impairment and
long-term developmental difficulties
difficulties, sorry
I
Think that sign is it up right there. I don't know I need to go on but basically
there's actually been
studies that have showed a correlation with a
decrease of IQ and
development through spanking
When you use shame hitting spanking and yelling, you actually ignite the flight-or-fight response
In your child and it shuts down the analytical side of the brain
here are a few problems that I've also listed in the blog along with some others with corporal punishment and
Its effects on learning and development
One study showed that just a light slap of the hand of a toddler delayed exploratory development
children explore the world through their hands
They have to to touch everything
It's kind of like a puppy with their mouths and puppies put things on their mouths children in need. They do the mouth, too
But they need to touch it. They want to know what things feel like how it moves and how it fits in their hand and
When you slap their hands you're training them to not explore
At that age children can't really distinguish between good object and bad object
They just know that sometimes they touch something in their hand gets that so for them
They learn to not touch anything and that's going to delay the development of your child
There have been multiple studies that have shown that the use of corporal punishment by the time a child is in kindergarten
Can actually affect their education
Vocabulary math and so on by the time the child is in fifth grade. I
Want to think about that
Your child's future education can be determined by if you use corporal punishment
When they are preschoolers
Spankings lead to resentment of authority figures
Think about it
Something happened to school the teacher tells you you spanked the child
Now
Did that child?
Feel like he had done something wrong
Possibly not he may or she may feel
That that was unwarranted and that it's unfair and they resent you for that and then they resent their teacher for that
And when they don't trust their teacher
They're not going to want to listen to what they have to say
Same with you
When you just continuously lecture yells Bank and other forms of hitting them
They're gonna stop listening to you. I know I did
And finally studies have found that
students who have grown up in punitive environments
Actually do worse in their executive functioning skills
including delayed gratification
Which is often one of the reasons why parents spank because a child couldn't wait
So essentially you are creating more of a problem if you spank your child for not being able to wait
time to think about
Reason number five why I've decided to be a gentle parent and stop spanking. I
Learned through extensive research that spankings are actually not biblical
Let me say that again spankings are not biblical. I
Know I'm gonna get a lot of flack from my fellow Christian community
But you know, what do some research?
yes, the Bible is infallible, but
Translations are not
Go back to the original
Translations. Okay. So here's some reasons on why I think that the
Spanking is not biblical and if you go to the blog, I've actually posted a ton of links
That you can read more about this including some free ebooks
So let me start off first by saying that host bear the rod spoil the child quote that everybody likes loves to quote
It's not even in the Bible in
fact
It's from a fairly lewd poem in the 17th century
Called hubris. I think that's how you pronounce it by Samuel Butler
so let's stop using that phrase because it's not even a biblical phrase and it's actually
Really gross when you start using it in reference to children
Just putting that out there do your research on it?
so this topic is
Quiet and in deep and deep that anymore. This topic is quite in-depth
So I'm only gonna cover just like the surface level here in this video
Again go to the blog look at those links, you'll find way more information that I can cover in this short little clip
So start with proverbs first of all proverbs is filled with
Poetry and metaphors. So if you kind of take that and content
Automatically maybe that's not what they're talking about. But let's say it's it's straight fact. Okay, let's say that. Yes
parents did gain their children
few things that go with that
First of all in the original Hebrew. Okay, not a translation
Then there general Hebrew the word that they used that we now translate as child
Actually meant a boy between like 12 and 20
I don't know how to pronounce the word so I'm not going to but it's na apostrophe AR
And
Basically that word is used when they're talking about a child
Who is no longer gonna be a child? It's somebody that can be ripped away from their mother
Okay, that's why it's used in reference to Moses because he was ripped away from his mother
but that's one of the only two times in the Bible it's used for someone that's not of
That bull way 12 to 20 age group, okay
second of all
um
This kind of discipline was used to prevent actual death
Because back then
You could actually be stoned for defying your father's so it's either
Hit him with a cane now. That won't break his back or he dies by stoning later. I
Would say in that kind of situation you might want to go ahead and spank but we're no longer in that situation anymore
so that's null and void a
Second Jewish leaders actually speak out against corporal punishment
The Jewish people who follow the rules of the Bible write the laws of the Old Testament
They don't even believe in spanking
So again, it was there to prevent a fate right that would be better than death
Secondly, we have the New Testament and in the New Testament Jesus
came to save us from our sin and the
Old Testament law
Was no more
Otherwise we wouldn't be able to eat pork
we would have to circumcise we
There's so many things we would still have to do including
sacrificing animals
but again
Jesus came and saved us from all of those things
Next jesus said he that is without sin among you let him first
cast a stone at her
john, 8 7
So if Jesus has told people when the law has said they can do this by the way
To cast the first stone only if you've done no wrong
I'm guessing we should probably do the same as parents
Jesus is that gentle parent right like
Jesus can do it. So can we
He specifically has said only those who have not sinned may cast the first stone
So if you've never lied, you've never cheated you've never yelled screamed hit
Then I guess you've been spanked but my guess is you've done all those things
Jesus his story was filled with grace
So if we were to be more like Jesus and we should be showing the grace to our children that
Jesus shows us
if
God doesn't punish us for all of our
transgressions and offenses and he died on the cross to save us from all that and gives us grace and
We just suffered natural consequences
Then I'm fairly certain our children should also just suffer
Maybe logical consequences, but mostly just natural consequences
something to think about I want to end this reason with a wonderful quote I found
It says we do not yell spanked or threatened because the end result of those things is fear in a wise man
kku, Jesus
Once said that perfect love drives out fear
Okay, now we're at reason number six
spanking hitting and shame
Tells children they are not in control
Now, I know you're saying they're thinking well, they're not married. They are children. How could you let the children be in control?
Well, first of all, sometimes you should let children be in control. Otherwise, how are they going to be adults in control?
But that's not really what I'm talking about as an adult. You need to be ultimately in control the situation
To keep everyone safe
The problem is you're dealing with a human being that has their own pains
Thrown desires their own mote emotions and their own needs
when we punish them for
Expressing all of those to us then we're actually teaching them not to trust themselves
Why is this important
Spanking sell your child they are not in control of their body
It's training them that those bigger control those who are smaller that those who are stronger
Control who those who are weaker?
Shame based discipline actually trained a child not to trust their instincts
Whether it's and about food their own skills or around other people
They will continually question themselves and probably the most
Important one for me in this is that spankings can lead to abusive relationships?
It's really personal to me but children learn two things was baking even if they don't realize it
One hitting equals power they see that whoever hits has the control
And the fastest way to get what you want is to hit
- they learn that you were spanked because the person that loves you once was best for you
Now think about that you've probably if you see if you have spanked or were spanked as a child
You've probably heard that phrase. I spanked you because I love you
Great so when they're an adult or even a teenager and they get into a relationship with an abusive
person
And that person then hits them and says I'm hitting you so you've learned not to do this because I love you
And what was best for you then? That's okay, right?
Think about that for a second problem is that does become a
child's mentality as an adult
it's
What happened to me? Okay, and so many of other other abusive people, you know, you sit there and you look and
Which I guess you follow a victim
And you're like, why did you stay? Why would you stay with somebody like that? Well, this is kind of what goes through their head
They don't want to hurt me
But I'm doing something wrong and I need to learn to not do that
And so they punished me for that so because they love me
They're trying to help me be a better person. I deserve it
Because I've done something wrong. I
Know it sounds really stupid right now
but
That's essentially what you're telling a child when you spank them to teach them a lesson
So it brings me to my final point number seven
if it is not acceptable for
One adult to hit another adult why is it acceptable for an adult to hit a child?
This quote kind of clinched my decision to become a gentle parent for me
When a child hits a child
We call it aggression when a child hits an adult. We call it hostility when an adult hits an adult we call it assault
When an adult hits a child we call it discipline
It's a quote by I'm probably gonna pronounce this wrong, but Hames, you know
Like I said this
These last two points are quite personal in my first marriage. I did experience this
I always thought of spanking as a necessary thing you must do
But then when I realized that we we can't even hit a dog
Without getting in trouble, but we can hit a child
What is right with that
if
if we
Think it's so wrong
In this day and age to hit our spouse
Why can we why can we hit a defenseless child?
Elysa spouse is an adult who has
Ultimately some control over their lives they can at least leave
Our tribal camp a child has no control over their situation
So why is that? Okay
It's not it's not okay. If you can't get another adult if a child can't hit you then you can't hit your child
It's just simple as that if hitting is wrong, then hitting is wrong you you can't
You can't have that kind of dichotomy it doesn't actually work it doesn't actually exist
You either have to say that sometimes hitting is you have to either say hitting is right to teach a lesson or hitting is wrong
We should only be should be teaching our kids that the only time to hit somebody is in
self-defense to get out of a bad situation
And somebody is hitting us
Then it's okay to hit back because you're trying to get away. It's to get away
It's your self-defense that I think is okay, but you're not actively trying to punish somebody at that point
You're just trying to get away
So why is it okay if we hit our child?
Some people will say well you don't leave marks on a child
My ex didn't leave marks on me. I don't bruise easy. I
Couldn't even take photos of things because what he did to me couldn't see
so is that ok then is my
Abusive ex-husband in the clear because he didn't leave marks on me just like you don't leave marks on your child
Did that sounds stupid to you it is it's stupid. It doesn't work. They're both wrong
So
In conclusion, I just want you to think about
These things because I know I had not
It took me kind of just kind of second-guessing
My trained response because that's what it is
Me going to hit my child to keep him from doing something that would cause him
Danger, so me causing him pain to keep him from pain, basically
Was a trained response?
So I want you to think about
Why?
You have decided to do what you have decided to do whatever that is with a gentle parent or mainstream parenting
So there you have 7 reasons we decided to become more gentle and respectful
parents, I
Hope this episode not only answered some questions. You might have had
But I hope it also has helped you kind of reflect on your parenting styles. It made you just
Either more firmly believe what you do believe or made you question something that may need changed in your parenting
Please comment below with why you parent the way you do or what's holding you back from choosing the gentle parenting path?
If you want to be inspired if you want to be more mindful parent if you want to know what takes
To take that next step into creating your extraordinary life
Then make sure to hit that subscribe button below and then don't forget to hit the like
Button to show me you want more videos like this?
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Thank you so much for watching and see you soon for the next episode of this parenting life
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