You guys, last night we had our big show in Puerto Rico.
And I'm happy to report the island is open for business,
while our government still is not.
That's right. The federal government
has been closed for 26 days, and experts say the shutdown
could cause the economy to shrink.
Then the President said,
"No, it's only shrinking 'cause it's cold outside."
[ Laughter ]
Well, today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said
that due to the shutdown, Trump should postpone
his State of the Union address or do it in writing.
Which explains why Trump just asked Twitter
to raise the character limit to 50,000 words.
[ Laughter and applause ]
A lot of people are calling Pelosi's decision
a real power move.
Even Vladimir Putin was like,
"Damn. She is not here to make friends."
[ Applause ]
But despite the shutdown, the FDA is trying to restart
their inspections of risky foods,
though so far it's just one guy going,
"Does this smell bad to you?
Try it. Drink it."
And the CEO of Delta said
the shutdown has already cost the airline $25 million.
He's not that worried, because they'll make it all back
if two people pay to check their bags, so...
"We're back! -"Come on. We're back.
-We're back, baby!" -Come on!"
-But Trump's been upset
with how the media has covered the shutdown.
And this week, he tweeted that the fake news
needed to "chill."
Yeah, well, here's what three different news networks
were covering at the exact same time this morning.
Let's see if any of them took Trump's advice about chilling.
-All of these tributaries
are going to come rolling into the same place --
Russia, Mueller, stuff we don't even know about.
-The damage being done to the economy
is worse than they predicted.
-But you can make a snowman feminine or masculine.
You have the ability.
-But you don't want to hurt the feelings of the snowwoman.
-Right. I mean, you could make a separate snowwoman.
[ Laughter ]
-Seemed pretty chill, those last people.
As I mentioned, last night, we had our Puerto Rico show,
but that meant we missed something pretty incredible
that happened in the news.
I'm talking about President Trump buying fast food
for the Clemson football team.
and sending a tweet that said he ordered "1,000 hamberders."
[ Laughter ]
Hamberders.
Hamberders sounds like how you would say "hamburgers"
if your mouth was full of hamburgers.
"Hamberder. I need a hamberder."
[ Applause ]
Later, Trump told Secret Service
to keep an eye out for the Hamberdergler.
-[ Laughs ] Yeah.
-Well, people have been saying
that Trump has been bored during the shutdown
and spending a lot of time looking out windows.
You know, until one of his staffers finally tapped him
on the shoulder and said, "Sir, that's a microwave."
[ Laughter ]
"It's filthy outside."
Trump has been complaining about being stuck inside
the White House during the shutdown.
He's actually been so bored,
he started writing a book about his experience.
I think he might have been inspired by Dr. Seuss.
Check this out.
It starts, "The sun did not shine, I did nothing at all.
All alone in the White House, cause they won't build my wall.
[ Laughter ]
I just sat there on Twitter refreshing fake news
and said how I wish I had something to do.
They won't give me my slats or concrete or steel girders.
So I guess I'll stay home and eat all the hamberders."
[ Laughter ]
He's onto something.
-Wow. He's onto something, right?
-Here's another big story.
Confirmation hearings are under way for Trump's pick
for attorney general, William Barr.
There he is.
Looks like Peter Griffin from "Family Guy" with a law degree.
[ Laughter ]
Some entertainment news.
The first trailer for the new Spider-Man movie just came out.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And it's already causing a lot of excitement.
In this movie, Peter Parker
flies to Europe for a school trip.
Check out the trailer.
-Planning a trip? -Mm-hmm. Going to Europe.
It's a school trip. -Get your passport?
-Peter Parker here to pick up a passport, please.
-Mini toothpaste? -Mm-hmm.
-Pack your suit.
-TSA security is closed due to the government shutdown.
All flights are canceled.
-What just happened?
"Spider-Man: Staying Home."
-"Staying Home." -Wow.
[ Applause ]
-Well, here's a local story.
Yesterday the old Tappan Zee Bridge
was demolished with a controlled explosion.
And a lot of people stood around for hours
to watch the big moment live.
Well, it happened pretty fast.
Listen to what one guy shouted on TV right after.
-All four right here of the shots that we have of this.
We got you -- Oh. -There it goes!
-There it is.
-Oh, I missed it!
[ Laughter ]
-That guy's wife was like,
"You just had to go get a hot dog, didn't you?"
Ah. That poor guy has no luck. I guess he's a cameraman.
Check out what happened to him
when they blew up the Georgia Dome.
-Really?
-Got a bus, dude!
A bus!
Geez! Get out of the way, bus!
[ Laughter ]
Ugh!
[ Laughter ]
-Can you imagine that?
[ Laughs ]
And finally, listen to this. China just made history
by growing the first plant on the Moon.
When asked what type of plant it is, China's astronaut said...
[Inhales sharply] "Don't worry about it."
We have a great show tonight. Give it up for The Roots!
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