Hi, my name is Jackson Bird and I am two years post-top surgery.
"Why's he have his shirt on then?
Isn't that the point of these videos?
His shirt should be off!"
Ain't happenin'! Here's why.
(intro music)
Just a head's up: this video IS gonna be talking
a lot about body image and my own body image issues and dysphoria and all kinds of things
like that.
So proceed with caution.
So on January 6th, 2016 I had double incision top surgery with Dr. Kathy Rumer in Pennsylvania.
You can watch some of my previous videos about like my pre-top surgery thoughts and my recovery,
and my one year post-top video in the playlist over here.
Now, I don't do too many top surgery updates on my youtube channel because, well I mean
I don't post that many updates on my physical transition at all on YouTube.
And part of that is because two years post top surgery and almost three years on T, like
there's not that much to say anymore.
My facial hair still won't grow past my chin.
I think I found another chest hair.
My scars are about the same color they were a year ago.
Eh, they've faded a little bit.
But yeah, that's about the extent of it.
It's not as exciting as the first couple of months.
But the other reason I don't post that many top surgery updates is because…
I don't feel great about how I look with my shirt off.
Not because of my surgery results.
Dr. Rumer does beautiful work.
And I mean, I'm relatively comfortable have my shirt off amongst friends or at the beach.
But I definitely don't feel comfortable enough about my body to be posting lots of
videos and instagram pics without a shirt on.
And a lot of the insecurities that I feel about my torso are the same ones that most
guys feel.
Y'know, I wish I had more muscles and less freckles and less of a gut.
And at least two out of three of those I could be doing something about, which I do sometimes
but also cookies are delicious and I emcee at a bar two nights a week so being a totally
healthy gym rat is never going to be exactly who I am.
And for the most part I'm okay with that.
In fact, in some ways it makes me feel like a normal guy to have natural insecurities
about my body and to not be totally devoted to my diet and appearance.
But where it stops being a normal thing is about... eh, right down here.
My hips.
My hips have not slimmed down since I started testosterone like they do for a lot of people.
In fact, at least the last time I measured, they got bigger.
Because I just got bigger.
All over.
I weigh thirty-five more pounds than I did when I started testosterone.
And that's not all like muscle gain from testosterone.
Some of it is getting older and having a slower metabolism.
Some of it's being happier with myself and having a little bit more money so I'm eating
regularly.
And y'know it's pretty healthy and normal for me to have gained this weight.
And while a lot of people do get slimmer hips from T, not everyone does.
And I'm one of those not everyone's.
I am completely dysphoric and self-conscious about my hips whether I have a shirt on or
off.
And even when I don't have a shirt on, I still sometimes feel like my hips are making
me not pass EVEN THOUGH I DON'T HAVE A SHIRT ON.
And y'know this isn't something I like talking about online.
I would much rather make this a normal top surgery update video with my shirt off and
my camera carefully set up to just show the top part of my chest, angled from slightly
from above to make me look thinner – making sure to never show my hips in the shot.
But I think it's important to talk about this because of the other reason that I hesitate
to ever post shirtless pictures of myself and that's this:
That is what I see all the time.
That is what me and every other trans masculine person has to compare ourselves to, that we
internalize.
What we dream testosterone and just a little bit more self-discipline could do for us.
Or what we think we're supposed to want in order to be trans enough.
And that's true for some people, but for so many of us – for so many more of us that
the internet would lead you to believe – it's not true.
Not everyone thinks that way.
Not everyone looks that way.
Not everyone wants to look that way.
And T affects everyone differently.
Everyone has different genetics that come into play.
You can't expect that you're going to look like all those guys with slim hips and
six packs – even if you do put in the work and take testosterone.
Sometimes even all of that can't combat the simple genetics that you inherited.
For example, could I work out more and eat better?
Absolutely. And I'm working' on it.
But I can feel these hip bones.
I know that even if I worked out super hard and ate well and loss every trace of fat on
my hips – which by the way wouldn't necessarily be super healthy in my case–, my hips would
still stick out because it's just my bone structure.
I can't lose my bones.
There is nothing I can do about that.
Physically anyways.
What I can do is work to feel better about myself and loving my body for what it is.
And I know that is a tall order for people with dysphoria.
I am not saying don't take steps to change your body in the ways that you can and need
to.
And also I don't want anyone thinking I'm faulting all of the trans guys with super
fit bodies who post shirtless pictures all of the time.
One, they're hot.
Keep it coming.
But two, I know that so many of them suffer from insecurities just like the rest of us
and pushing themselves so intensely physically is their method of coping.
I am positive that so many of them still look in the mirror and still see, "not good enough."
"Not masculine enough."
Just like how I'm sure there are some of you looking at me and thinking, how the heck could
he ever feel bad about his body?
But I do!
We all have individual relationships, both good and bad, with our bodies and with our
dysphoria.
Some people alleviate their dysphoria by pumping up their serotonin levels at the gym and working
towards their ideal body.
I alleviate it by sitting on my ass at a computer and making videos about it.
We all have our different methods.
And I'm not trying to put anyone down for how they deal with dysphoria or how they do
or don't feel about their own body.
What I am trying to do is point out that even binary trans guys all look different.
We have different body types.
We have different relationships to our bodies.
We have different ideas of what the perfect masculine body type looks like and if we should
even strive for that.
And I would just love to see that represented more.
I want to see more trans bodies of all shapes and sizes.
Not to mention more body love and positivity represented by trans people of color and trans
people with disabilities and trans people who don't physically transition.
I see a lot of those people because I seek them out, but let's work to raise those
people up to the mainstream and make sure that we aren't injecting any more toxic
masculinity into the trans masculine experience than is already there.
Let's work to make sure that trans masculine people early on in their transitions or struggling
with dysphoria at any point have examples of more than just one often impractical ideal.
Let's help each other see the unique, diverse, and realistic expectations of what transition
can do and how all our bodies are beautiful and hot and masculine.
So here are three ways that I propose we start combatting the toxic masculinity in the trans
masculine community – and for that matter, all forms of body shame and misogyny and homogeneity
in trans feminine and nonbinary and agender spaces
First, Ryan Cassata started a hashtag and group a while back called #alltransbodies
which endeavors to shine a light on this exact issue.
So let's fill up that hashtag with selfies or pictures of trans people we admire – that
we get their permission from unless they're like a public figure.
Let's reactivate that tag and show everyone how beautiful all of our different types of
bodies are.
Second: down in the comments, I want to hear one thing that you love about your body.
It can be big or small or intangible.
Even if you're not feeling great about your body in any way, I challenge you to think
of just one thing.
And finally, if you are trans, remember that your experience with transition and your body
unique to you and don't need to be held up to anyone else's standard.
Having goals and working towards achieving a certain look is totally cool.
Being proud of your body, no matter what it looks like, is awesome.
Being uncomfortable with your body at times is also totally fine.
But shaming other people for their bodies or their relationship to their bodies, whether
explicitly or implicitly is not cool.
It is hard enough work to love yourself as a trans person so how about we spend a little
less time spreading judgment and a little more time spreading that love?
I know I tackled a lot of big things and danced around some very sensitive issues here so
hopefully you all understood where I was coming from.
I hope that some of you appreciated this and got some help from it.
Before I go, I want to spread the love real quick about my friend Oliver, who you may
remember from some videos we made together about Fantastic Beasts bac in the day.
They are getting top surgery soon!
Unfortunately, their employer, like so many in the United States, is not covering any
trans-related healthcare so they are paying for this surgery out of pocket.
So if you want to help out my awesome, talented, beautiful friend, I will put a link to their
GoFundMe down in the description box.
Despite everything I just said about my dysphoria and insecurities, it all got so much better
after I had top surgery.
It really is a life-changing experience for so many people and I want to help my friend
Oliver get there, just like I hope everyone else who wants top surgery can get there one
day.
One step at a time!
And as always, you can follow me on social media at jackisnotabird.
And if you liked this video, please do subscribe and smash that notification bell so you always
know when there's a new video.
'Cause usually it's Wednesdays, but like not always.
Alright, that is it for now.
Thank you so much for watching and I will see you next time!
(endscreen music)
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