-You guys, Christmas is just five days away.
That's right.
I saw that Google has a Santa Tracker,
where you can watch Santa's journey around the world.
Yeah. Yeah, not to be outdone,
Facebook has a tracker
where you can steal Santa's Social Security number.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Isn't that nice? -Yeah.
-It has his Spotify playlist. -Aw.
-But with just five days until Christmas,
we're reaching the point where any toys you order online
won't arrive in time. [ Light laughter ]
Right now, every closed Toys 'R' Us is like,
"How you like me now?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Now you like me? Now you like Toys 'R' Us?"
Well, I heard that a popular gift this year
are those personal DNA testing kits.
You know those? They're pretty cool.
You send in your sample, and then after a few weeks,
you get a letter back that says, "Sir, that cup was for saliva."
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Indeed!
-"I thought you wanted a stool sample."
[ Laughter ] -Oh, my God.
I thought they'd need a stool sample,
a semen sample, and a urine sample.
-Oh, and what did you send them? -My underwear.
[ Laughter ]
-Guys -- [ Laughter ]
-Oldy but a goldy. -Guys, uh...
[ Laughter ]
I read that even though fewer people
send physical mail nowadays,
a lot of people still send holiday greeting cards,
including celebrities. It's very nice.
Look at some of the homemade cards they've written this year.
For example, Seth Rogen wrote,
"O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree."
You open it up it says,
"You're not the only thing I'm lighting tonight."
Isn't that nice? -Wow.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Oh, he has beautiful penmanship, too.
-Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh wrote,
"It's time for my favorite holiday tradition."
You open it up, it says,
"Chugging eggnog through a funnel."
-Wow! -What?
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Former Trump attorney Michael Cohen wrote,
"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart."
-Wow. [ Laughter ]
Open it up, it says, "But only because I was acting
under direct orders from Individual 1."
-Wow. [ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
Found an Olde English font.
-And, finally, Cardi B wrote,
"It's beginning to look a lot like..."
You open it up, it says, "O-Chrrristmas."
There you go. [ Laughter and applause ]
So much better than a store-bought card.
-Yeah. Why would you want one? You want a homemade.
-Yeah. -You can tell care went into it.
-Guys, I saw that tomorrow, President Trump leaves
for a 16-day trip to Mar-A-Lago,
where he'll have his annual Christmas party.
And just to mess with him, the only song the deejay
will play is "Feliz Navidad."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Can we put a wall in front of the deejay?"
[ Laughter ]
"Can't see the deejay." -"We can't see him."
-Here's a big story.
Trump wants to go against his advisers
and pull U.S. troops out of Syria.
I'm not sure Trump should be making this decision,
'cause he thinks Syria is the voice on his iPhone.
He's like, "Syria, build me a border wall.
In front of that deejay!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
Of course, Trump is always in the news,
and sometimes, he's saying some pretty questionable things,
and while we can't filter what he says,
we can filter how he looks when he says it.
I'll show you what I mean. It's time for Trump Filters.
Here we go. [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Great lawyers that do that stuff,
they're saying, "There's nothing illegal."
-All right. We'll get to that in a second.
-No, no. Wait a minute.
I mean, when you tell me I'm at 50%,
I say, "How can I possibly be at 50%?"
So, when you tell me I'm at 48 --
Like, Rasmussen, I was at 50% in Rasmussen.
-With this type of approval rating,
what do you say to a --
I think I have the greatest base in the history of politics.
[ Applause ] -Interesting.
-You guys, listen to this. In a speech this morning,
Russian President Vladimir Putin
said that he'd like to get married again someday.
Yeah, very interesting. When you see Putin on Tinder
and try to swipe left, your phone says, "Try again."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Think about it."
[ Laughter ]
This made me laugh. An aquarium in California
tweeted a picture of a sea otter
with some memes about its weight,
and then a local news anchor
decided to read the memes on air.
It was just a little awkward. Watch this.
-An otter from the Monterey Bay Aquarium
is getting major attention from the Internet
after the aquarium sent out this tweet,
writing, and we quote, "Abbie is a thick girl.
What an absolute unit.
She is C-H-O-N-K.
Look at the size of this lady.
Oh, Lawd, she coming," another Internetism.
[ Laughter ]
-She -- She chonk.
[ Laughter ]
"She's C-H-O-N-K."
[ Laughter ]
It sounds like a vice principal trying to bond with students.
He's like, "You know what's always on fleek?
Respect." [ Laughter ]
"And doing your homework." [ Laughter ]
"This parent teacher conference is lit."
[ Laughter ]
Check this out. I heard that Budweiser
is partnering with a medical marijuana company
to make weed-infused beer.
Budweiser said, "If 2019's anything like 2018,
you're gonna want this."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"A staple in the fridge."
That's right -- Budweiser is making beer with marijuana.
There's actually a name for beer that's infused with weed.
Nyquil. [ Laughter ]
Get this -- I read that workout clothes made out of velvet
are becoming very popular.
Velvet workout clothes,
or as it's known in New Jersey, formal wear.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, hey, oh!
-Excuse me. Whoa.
[ Laughter ]
-Forget about it. -Excuse me.
[ Laughter ]
-I need a velour cummerbund.
-You guys, it's almost New Year's,
and since it's been a crazy year with Trump in office,
we thought we'd look back and count down
his top moments from 2018. Enjoy.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Five.
-China has total respect for Donald Trump,
and for Donald Trump's very, very large a-brain.
-Four.
-You need to vote
for Scott Walker and Lea Vukm-i-i-i-ir.
[ Laughter ] -Three.
♪♪
-Two.
-Merry Christmas, everybody.
-One.
-Father Herman is looking down.
He's very proud of you right now.
-Oh, he's still alive. -Oh, he is?
Well, then he -- [ Laughter and applause ]
-"He's still alive." -"Oh, is he?"
"He's still alive."
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, my God. -And, finally,
it's time for "Tonight Show News Blender,"
where we take real headlines from the week
and blend them together
to see how weird we can make the headlines.
I'll show you what I mean. For example,
if you blend the stories
"Charity spends money on Trump self-portrait,"
"Kool-Aid Man stars in new rap video,"
and, "Company with low Internet speed owes millions."
You get "Trump spends millions
on portrait of Kool-Aid Man in a speedo."
[ Laughter and applause ] -Oh.
-Weirder headlines. -I believe it.
Next up, if you the blend the stories,
"Wrinkle cream makes list of worst gifts,"
"Post Office delivers 900 million packages,"
and "Nudist retreat for sale,"
you get, "Post Office delivers wrinkle cream
to 900 nudists for their packages."
-Whoa! [ Laughter and applause ]
-Next up, if you blend the stories,
"Trump goes after tax cuts for booze,"
"'All I Want for Christmas is You,' is top song every year,"
and "Tweet defends Sarah Huckabee Sanders,"
you get, "After every Trump tweet,
Sarah Huckabee Sanders sings
'All I want for Christmas is booze.'"
[ Laughter and applause ]
-And finally, if you blend the stories,
"Critics say Bernie Sanders too old for 2020,"
"Massive explosion caused by spray cans,"
and "Man finds soiled underwear in sushi delivery,"
you get, "Bernie Sanders eats old sushi,
soils underwear in massive can explosion."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Guys, we have a great show tonight!
Give it up for The Roots!
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