-You guys, Christmas is less than a week away.
That's right.
Well, I saw that for the holidays,
President Trump is spending 16 days in Florida at Mar-a-Lago.
You can tell he's nervous about the Russia investigation
'cause today he said,
"Siri, can you swim from Mar-a-Lago to Cuba?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
That's right.
On Friday, Trump is going on a vacation to Florida for 16 days.
There's actually a word for a trip that long -- moving.
[ Laughter ]
But here's the big story.
Congress is working on a spending bill
to avoid a government shutdown until February.
Yep. The government's basically staying open month to month.
I'm not saying that we're in trouble,
but if the U.S. were a department store, we'd be Sears.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Do you see what I'm saying?
[ Applause ]
But Trump was threatening to shut down the government
if Congress didn't give him $5 billion for a border wall.
But now he says that he'll get the money somewhere else.
Or as one guy in Moscow put it
[Russian accent] "Ugh, I'll get my checkbook.
But this counts for birthday and Christmas."
[ Applause ]
[ Normal voice ] That's right.
Trump says he'll find another way
to get $5 billion for the wall.
Which explains why Don Jr. was just spotted on the sidewalk
ringing a bell next to a red kettle.
"Just do it."
And get this -- On Sunday, Rudy Giuliani said that Trump
never signed anything
about building a Trump Tower in Moscow.
But last night, CNN got a letter about the project
with Trump's signature.
Check it out. This is -- Yeah.
It's not a good sign for Trump
that his signature looks like a failed lie-detector test.
It's like --
Oh, yeah, he's lying. He's lying.
Oh, last night, the Senate passed
a new criminal justice reform bill.
And I read that it allows judges to reduce sentences
for certain low-level crimes.
It turns out the bill also defines a bunch of new crimes
that deserve jail time.
For example, you can get up to one year in prison
for getting in a packed elevator and only going up one floor.
-One year? -One year in prison.
-Wow. -Just walk up the stairs.
-Yeah, come on.
-You can get up to three years in prison
for getting in front of the TSA line and going,
"Wait, we have to take our shoes off?"
[ Applause ]
-"Huh?" -"My belt, too?
You want me to open my laptop?" [ Laughter ]
Yes. -Yes.
-"What were you doing while you were waiting?"
"I've got pockets full of change.
I'm supposed to empty that out?
What am I supposed to do with this giant pile of change?"
[ Laughter ]
You can get up to six years
for not covering your mouth when you cough,
then saying, "Don't worry, I'm not contagious anymore."
Still, cover your mouth.
You can get up to eight years
for leaning over after every movie trailer
and whispering, "I want to see that."
[ Laughter and applause ]
You can get up to 10 years
for actually telling someone how you are
when they say, "How are you?"
We don't care.
-Not good. -We don't care. Yeah.
"How are you doing?" "Not good."
Of course, you can get life in prison
for calling and leaving a voicemail
when you could have just texted.
Yeah, just text me, dude. -Wow.
[ Applause ]
Get this -- A woman is fighting with her neighbors
because they don't like the inflatable dragons
that she put up for Christmas.
Take a look at this. Yeah.
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
-Looks like a Nativity scene from "Game of Thrones."
[ Applause ]
But, you guys, it's the holiday season.
And everyone is in the giving spirit.
In fact, Facebook just gave away all of your private information.
Isn't that nice? -Oh.
-Oh, yeah, you hear about this Facebook story?
It just came out that they were letting companies like Netflix
read your private Facebook messages.
Which explains why Netflix
doesn't just ask, "Are you still watching?"
Now it also asks, "Are you and Stacy going to work things out?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Wow. -What?
Guys, I saw that the iconic theme song of the NBA on NBC,
John Tesh's "Roundball Rock,"
has actually left NBC for Fox Sports.
Now it's being used
for their college basketball coverage instead.
Now, you all know that "Roundball Rock," right?
Can we hear the theme? [ "Roundball Rock" plays ]
Great song.
Well, one of our video researchers here at the show
asked if he could do a tribute --
come on the show and pay tribute to "Roundball Rock."
So here he is, ladies and gentlemen.
Please welcome Jack Blankenship.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, buddy. Nice to see you, pal.
Nice to see you, buddy.
-Hey, thanks, Jimmy. How's it going, everybody?
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I know that you're a big fan of the NBA
and a big fan of that song.
-Oh, absolutely. I'm a huge fan.
And I got to say, it's pretty shocking
that "Roundball Rock" is going to leave NBC.
I'm really going to miss it. -Me too.
I understand that you'd like to pay tribute to "Roundball Rock"
by playing it on the melodica through your nose.
Is that right?
-Yes. That is right, Jimmy.
-Well, Jack, whenever you're ready,
go ahead and take it away.
-All right. Let's hit it, Fred.
[ "Roundball Rock" plays ]
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Jack Blankenship, everybody.
That was very touching.
If anyone needs tissues, we'll be handing them out.
That was a very touching tribute.
-He's not contagious anymore. -Played it through his nose.
And finally, with Christmas less than a week away,
a lot of people are going to their office holiday parties,
including members of Congress.
And it can be hard to make small talk at those events,
which is why some lawmakers come prepared
with their own statements to break the ice.
I'll show you what I mean.
First up, we have Georgia congressman Buddy Carter.
His icebreaker is,
"I like to tell women that I'm related to Pat Sajak.
It never helps."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next up is New Mexico congressman Ben Ray Luján.
His icebreaker is, "What if I told you
that you could be your own boss
by selling vitamins from the comfort of your own home?"
[ Applause ]
Here's Maine congresswoman Chellie Pingree.
Her icebreaker is, "I may or may not
be thinking about Channing Tatum right now."
[ Applause ]
Here's Nevada congressman Mark Amodei.
His icebreaker is,
"Sometimes people tell me I look like a female Matt Damon."
[ Laughter and applause ]
His icebreaker? -That's his icebreaker?
-Next we have Florida congressman Charlie Crist.
His icebreaker is, "Hi. Nice to meet you.
I'm what would happen if they deflated Mike Pence a little."
[ Laughter and applause ]
And finally, here's New York congressman Peter King.
His icebreaker is, "I'm drunk AF right now."
Guys, we have a great show tonight.
Give it up for The Roots!
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