-Guys, tonight is the fifth night of Hanukkah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I saw that today was the official
White House Hanukkah party.
It was going well until President Trump made a wish
and blew out the menorah.
[ Laughter ]
"I did it all in one blow."
Actually, the White House had two Hanukkah receptions today,
one at 4:00, another at 8:00.
They held the second reception just so Trump could apologize
for everything he said at the first one.
[ Cheers and applause ]
But President Trump, he had a good time.
When a staffer asked him if he wanted to see the menorah,
he said, "Her name is pronounced Melania."
[ Laughter ]
"And, no, I don't want to see her."
You guys might not realize this,
but today is the one-year anniversary
of a very important moment in American history.
If you don't know what I'm talking about,
here's a video to remind you. Watch this.
♪♪
-God bless the United States.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
-Some more news from Washington this week.
The Supreme Court released a new group photo of all the justices.
Check it out.
Look like the world's oldest fifth grade class.
[ Applause ]
Actually, can we see that photo again?
Looking at the photo, you can kind of tell
what each justice is thinking about.
For example, Justice Alito is thinking, "I always forget,
are we supposed to look at the camera
or stare off into the distance?"
[ Applause ]
Justice Sotomayor is thinking,
"If you think this photo is awkward,
just wait till you see the ones from the holiday party."
[ Applause ]
Justice Gorsuch is thinking, "I hope no one can tell
I'm holding a pizza roll in my mouth."
Justice Breyer is thinking, "I remember when they used to paint these pictures."
[ Laughter ]
Justice Kavanaugh is thinking,
"I can't wait to throw back a couple of Bud Lights
after this."
[ Cheers and applause ]
And finally, Ruth Bader Ginsburg is thinking,
"I too cannot wait to throw back a couple of Bud Lights after this."
At least they're getting along.
[ Laughs ]
At least they're getting along.
Guys, we have a great show for you tonight.
It's fantastic. -Oh, we sure do.
And I can't wait to do my new segment,
Tariq's Nutcracker Nook.
-I'm so sorry. Actually, Tariq,
we had to cut your Nutcracker Nook bit tonight.
I'm so sorry no one told you about this.
-I see. I guess I'll -- I'll show everyone
my collection of beautiful hand-painted nutcrackers
some other time.
-Come on, Tariq. Don't be like that.
No, it's just this once. I'm sorry no one told you.
I just -- -It's fine.
[ Laughter ]
[ Audience "Aww"s ]
♪♪
♪ I did my best ♪
♪ But I guess my best wasn't good enough ♪
♪ 'Cause here we are ♪
♪ Back where we were before ♪
♪ Seems nothing ever changes ♪
♪ We're back to being strangers ♪
♪ Wondering if we ought to stay ♪
♪ Or head on out the door ♪
♪ Just once ♪
♪ Can we figure out what we've been doing wrong? ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Why we never last for very long ♪
♪ What are we doing wrong? ♪
♪ Just once ♪
♪ Can we find a way to finally make it right? ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪ To make the magic last for more than just one night ♪
♪ If we just could do it ♪
♪ I know that we can do it ♪
♪ Just once ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Well, maybe we'll try Nutcracker Nook
after the holidays. Sorry.
-Copy that.
-You guys, I'm excited about this.
From the new movie "Aquaman," Jason Momoa is my guest tonight.
-Yes!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-The movie is awesome.
The only slow part is when Aquaman eats lunch
and his parents make him wait an hour before swimming.
It's just that's a little slow, but the rest is great.
Finally, guys, a poll found
that the top three Democratic contenders for President in 2020
are Bernie Sanders, Beto O'Rourke, and Joe Biden.
So you know what that means. It's time for Bernie, Beto, Biden.
-♪ Bernie, Beto, Biden ♪
♪ Bernie ♪
♪ Bernie, Beto, Biden ♪
♪ Bernie, Bernie, Barney, Bert and Ernie ♪
♪ Blurry Biden, burly Beto ♪
♪ Beto veto, Biden Speedo ♪
♪ Beto, turkey, Bernie, Furby ♪
♪ Fergie, Jersey Shore, and Shirley ♪
♪ Bernie ♪ -Gobble, gobble.
-We have a great show tonight.
Give it up for The Roots.
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