-Already, you're -- you're starting trouble.
-I thought it would be funny, like I was gonna do a set.
-Yeah. You're already doing a bit.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
-You're already coming out here doing a bit?
-I was doing a bit like, "Hey, I'm going to do stand-up."
-Yeah, exactly, yeah. -Then you'd be like,
to some producer, "What's going on?"
-You're a troublemaker -- you know that?
-Well... -You really are.
You're, like, from the streets. I get it.
[ Laughter ]
Hard knocks, man. It's cool. Hard knocks.
-I get it. -I get it, man.
Thank you for being here on the show.
Thank you for tweeting about the show.
So thoughtful of you. -Oh.
Oh, no. I didn't tweet. That wasn't me.
Some lady's kid --
you know, he -- he wanted to play with the phone.
You know, these little kids like --
So I lent him my phone. I wouldn't do that.
-Oh, so a child sent -- -I wouldn't do that.
I love the show. -"Jimmy Fallon,
thank you -- thank you so much for having me on the show.
Thanks for the transportation."
That's the subway. [ Laughter ]
That was a child -- That was a child that did that?
-Well, you know, you guys could have sprung for a limo.
[ Laughter ] -Come on, I know you.
But you're from the streets, man.
-Yeah. I'm sure Shaq didn't have a MetroCard out like I did
coming for the show. [ Laughter and applause ]
-Did you meet Shaq? -[ Chuckling ] Yeah.
No, I didn't meet him.
-You didn't meet him? -No.
-I know you're a big basketball fan, though.
-I am a big basketball fan.
I -- I had a game in my day.
You know what I mean? -You did?
-Yeah. -Could you have gone pro?
-Kind of an Archie Clark-type game,
which is before everybody's time.
But you guys are from Philly. You might remember Archie Clark.
No? All right. -Archie Clark? Yeah.
-Thank you. I know, yeah.
I was kind of a Kyrie Irving, Scott Skiles combination.
It's hard to describe my game, but, you know.
I busted my Achilles.
Whatever career I could have had, a couple of years ago,
on a movie set, they were playing basketball,
and Richard Lewis was there.
And I met Richard Lewis like twice in my life.
But then right before we're going, they go,
"Do you want to shoot around, play ball afterwards?"
I was like, "Yeah."
And he just gave me this weird look.
You know, Richard Lewis -- he always looks like demonic.
[ Laughter ] -He doesn't look demonic.
-He does, too. Look at his face from the side like this.
[ Light laughter ] -Wait. You think that --
That's my Richard Lewis impression.
-That's a -- I've never seen you do that.
That's a fantastic impression.
If you close your eyes... [ Laughter ]
-Anyway, I felt like there was a curse --
-You think that Richard Lewis cursed you?
-I swear to God -- I know it sounds stupid.
But it was just getting to be dark.
And he just gave me a weird, like, evil look,
even though I met him twice -- we've always been on good terms.
-Yeah.
-But he just gave me this weird look.
And I felt like a jarring thing go through my body.
And then 20 minutes later, I'm writhing in pain.
My Achilles is destroyed.
-And where was -- where was Richard?
He was never there. -He had left.
But, I mean, he left with his, you know...
[ Laughter ] You don't give a cur--
you don't put a curse on somebody
and then watch like this. [ Laughter ]
-That's true, yeah. -Then you know it's him.
-You put the curse...
-You put the curse, and you leave.
-You put the curse, and you leave -- there you go.
Of course. -Yeah, it was weird.
-I got to say, you look good, my friend.
-Thanks.
-About a year ago, you had a heart attack.
-Yes, I did.
-It scared me. -Yeah, thank you.
-That was -- That was frightening, huh?
-Yeah, it was pretty crazy. But, I mean, you know.
I thought it would be like one of those things where,
you know, you turn over a new leaf.
-Yeah. -'Cause I had
had the heart attack.
This is the only part about the heart attack I like,
is when people say it, and everyone's like, "Ooh."
[ Audience oohs ] No, I don't mean to say it.
I meant how you feel -- [ Laughter ]
-No, we do feel -- Yeah. -I felt that, yeah.
-Yeah. Yeah. -But...yeah.
-But did you -- I mean, that's --
it just happened, right?
It's... -It just happened.
And now I know I'm going to die someday.
That's the only bad part.
[ Light laughter ] -Nothing changed?
You're not, like, a nicer person or...?
-No, I mean, I was -- what bothered me is I --
about a month later, I was like,
"Yeah, this is really good to be alive."
Then I'm like -- look at this heart-attack commercial
with this guy -- had the same doctor I did.
What's -- What's wrong with me? What am I -- wood?
I can't be in a heart-attack commercial?
[ Laughter ]
-You're upset that you're not in a heart-attack commercial?
-Yeah. -That was the problem?
-Hey, Colin Quinn.
I get laughs for a living, but the heart is no laughing matter.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, my God!
-You know? -Oh, my God.
Don't do this commercial, please.
-Why?
-This is just already embarrassing.
[ Laughter ] -What?
-It's already -- -You know, last year,
I almost had a permanent mic drop.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Coughing ]
Stop. Please don't do it.
-That last -- The funny line in that --
your producer gave me that one -- Sarah.
-Oh, really?
-Can't even come up with the funniest line in my own joke.
-Tell me -- Tell me about this.
Let's talk about your one-man show here,
"Red State Blue State" over at the --
-You don't have to hold it like that.
Just like this.
You've been doing the show for years.
You're holding it like this up to the mic.
-What do you mean? -I mean, you're, like,
too intensely holding it, like this.
-What do you want me -- to hold it like it's a --
-Yeah, like this.
Like, "So, tell me about the new show, pal."
-See, this is why you don't have a --
-If I hosted the show, here's how I would be like.
"So, what's up with this new show, Chief?"
[ Light laughter ] -You wouldn't show it to me?
-Yeah, people are like, "Hey, let's have a casual --
it's late night -- you know what I mean?
-Looks like you're scalping tickets or something.
[ Laughter ]
-You're holding it up like it's, you know,
Kelly and Ryan in the morning.
Like, hey -- you know what I mean?
Hey, loosen up, pal.
That's all I'm trying to say.
-So, tell me about -- tell me about this thing.
-[ Laughs ] Oh!
[ Laughter ]
-[ Stammering ]
I want to -- I want to know about it.
-Will you -- Will you show the other tweet I sent, please?
I really think it's important
that the crowd sees what's going on.
You don't understand the brainwashing
that goes on at 30 Rock.
[ Laughter ] -The photos -- the caption says,
"Less propaganda during the cultural revolution."
[ Laughter ] It's the gift shop.
-I go -- I walk off the -- off the train,
and I walk in the lobby.
It says, the NBC Store -- it's only pictures of Jimmy.
[ Laughter ]
The whole store. -Dude.
-Everywhere you look, it's pictures of Jimmy.
-Aren't you proud of me? -It's like Mao Tse-Tun,
back in the, you know... -Get a life.
-Well, that's what the cultural revolution was, folks.
-Did it make you happy -- see, a normal person --
this would make them happy. [ Laughter ]
Because you were there when it first started.
-A normal person would never say that, first of all, about them--
A normal person would not look at pictures of themself
and go, "A normal person -- this would make them happy."
[ Laughter ]
That's the first thing I want to say.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-But, dude, I'm not saying I'm normal.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
-But I'm just saying, wouldn't you be proud of me?
Your old -- Your old buddy. -I love you.
-Your old buddy from the streets.
-From Day One, you... [ Laughter ]
I remember you were... -Brooklyn.
-...just a little urchin on the corner --
I said, "This kid's gonna do something."
-Yeah, I go [British accent] "'ello, Colin Quinn.
Can I have..." [ Laughter ]
-Yes. -Do you do your --
-Brooklyn. Brooklyn. -Do you do -- Do you --
-[ Laughs ] The Brooklyn accent came from England, actually.
-Do you do accents? Do you do -- Do you do --
Do you do accents in this, in your one-man show?
-No, I don't. -You don't do any?
-No, it's not -- it's not -- I'm not Joel Grey and Ben Vereen.
This is a serious comedy --
[ Laughter ] Thanks, guys.
-If you're -- If you're playing a drinking game at home,
the Joel Grey drinking game... [ Laughter ]
...take a shot.
What -- What -- No, but you're talking about how --
-I'm not the Entertainer of the Year.
It's not a Vegas revue. This is serious stuff.
-I understand. No, it's funny.
-I'm gonna call Bradley Cooper onstage?
[ Light laughter ]
Oh, just laugh.
Oh, and it wasn't a good reference, but it was topical.
[ Laughter ] -I don't even --
What does it mean? What does it mean?
-Well, yesterday, he was all -- all viral with Lady Gaga.
It's -- You know, it was a -- it was a bad reference.
But it was topical. -What's happening?
-I'm not -- I'm not gonna bow down for it.
-Have you ever apologized -- -Even though it wasn't funny.
-Have you ever -- -I stand -- I stand --
-I'm not -- No one's asking you --
No one asking you to apologize for it.
-Well, I think I -- Yeah.
But I could have easily groveled.
I could have shriveled up from a lack of humor
in a comedian statement. [ Laughter ]
But I chose to stand tall. -Instead, you rose.
-I chose to back it up. -The cream -- The cream --
Rise to the top. -They can't all --
What do they say? They can't all be gems.
[ Laughter ]
-Let's talk about this -- what is the play about?
-Oh. [ Laughs ] Let's do it.
I got off on the wrong foot
when I came out with my fake stand-up routine.
-Your bit, yeah. [ Laughter ]
No one -- No one got that reference, either.
-That was... [ Laughs ]
-You came off the wrong foot for that one, yeah.
[ Laughter ] But...
-I didn't even think I had --
I literally almost said to the guys backstage,
"Hey, do you have a mic?"
I was gonna do, like, a prop.
-God. What are you doing, man? -I don't know.
Sometimes you get playful, and people are not in the mood.
I've been there.
I've been on the other side of it myself,
so I understand if people want to stab me right now.
I get it. But let's talk about the show, yeah.
-I haven't been listening to anything you said.
-Oh. Okay.
[ Laughter ]
-"Red State Blue State." Tell us what this thing is.
Please don't show...
Just stop touching everything! Stop touching everything!
Get -- Seriously. Give it to me, man.
What's wrong with you, dude?
Can you just -- Can you tell us what this play is about?
-Oh, yeah. On a serious but comic note...
[ Laughter ] -No, but it's funny.
-It's not funny. Yeah, you're right.
My show is about the breakup of the United States, you know.
How this country really is
on the verge, on the precipice of a breakup.
So it's about that. But it's funny.
I mean, you know, I'm making fun of the fact
that we could actually get to this point.
-But you think social media is one of the reasons why...
-Yeah, I feel like social media --
I think free speech was not -- It's an acoustic art.
It was never meant to go electric.
You know what I'm saying?
It's like a Bob Dylan thing.
I think once it went electric...
-That's pretty good. [ Applause ]
Wow. Well, you're killing... -All right. Yeah.
Okay, I'll take one for 20. [ Laughter ]
-You should open with that, yeah.
-I'll take one for 20.
Isn't that what Shaq says on the foul line?
[ Audience ohhs ]
-Who are you -- Jeffrey Ross?
[ Laughter ]
He's a roastmaster, man. I know you.
[ Laughter ]
No, let's talk about your bit -- your acts.
You used to do The Lovemaster, right?
Isn't that you? -[ Laughs ]
-No, it was Craig Shoemaker. -Oh, that's -- that's right.
[ Laughter ]
-Now you're the one that's acting up.
-Well, no, it's -- Well, I'm not acting up.
I'm just more playing with you, 'cause I know you, and I feel like --
-I know, but, you know, let's not get too saccharine about it.
Now you're being weird.
-This is what you -- you want me to be.
You made this. -Yeah, it's true.
-The old me from five minutes ago would've been like this...
and interested in you. -Oh, thank you.
-The new me is already on to the next guest.
-I like this. The new, casual Jimmy.
-Casual Jimmy. Casual Friday. Wear, like, a Hawaiian shirt.
Picture me in a Hawaiian shirt and shorts, Crocs.
-Let me see you -- You come out in jorts one night.
-[ Laughs ] -Jorts and flip-flops.
-Jorts.
Social media. You did that joke, right?
-Whoa.
Let's try to keep, you know, the illusion alive here.
"Did that joke." It's a conversation.
[ Laughter ]
What are you doing, Jimmy? What are you doing to me?
-Oh, my God.
-I like to be meta as much as the next guy, but come on.
-Oh, my gosh.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, my gosh. I'm broken, man.
[ Laughter ]
But one thing I think is interesting from this
is that you do -- You said that we don't know
what the founding fathers sounded like.
-That's right. They might have sounded like Trump.
"We the people of the United States
in order to form a more perfect union!
And, by the way, it's actually getting pretty perfect!
It's actually pretty fantastic!"
[ Laughter ]
"James Madison, tremendously talented person!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
-You have big news, though, tonight?
'Cause this -- You're extending your run.
-Yeah. I'm extending it two weeks.
So, it's not really -- [ Cheers and applause ]
Well, thanks.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I extended it two weeks. There's a lot of people
I know that haven't been to the show yet.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, I wasn't talking about you.
I'm just, you know...
-It's just hard to get downtown.
-[ Laughs ] You could have at least thought that out better.
Hard to get downtown? I got d-- I live downtown.
Show that picture...
A little thing we call the F train,
ladies and gentlemen.
[ Light laughter ]
When I was a youth, it was the Ind line, back in those days.
-Yeah. My driver doesn't go around this neighborhood.
-Whoa.
[ Audience ohs ]
[ Laughter ]
-There's a lot of illusions being crushed tonight.
The casual conversation, my social-media joke.
The fact you're Mr. Regular Guy, elbowing people on the train.
Singing at the train station with Justin Timberlake.
I've watched the show. I know what goes on.
-Yeah. I've never sang in the train station
with Justin Timberlake ever.
-Well, you sang with somebody of his caliber.
-Yeah. -Somebody famous.
-Miley Cyrus. -Ooh.
[ Laughter ]
-I'm not name dropping! You're the one that started it.
-I thought you did that as a regular thing.
That's probably a good regular feature,
but it's probably too much of a hassle security-wise.
-It's hard, but we pull it off.
We work with the NYPD and stuff. And they help out.
-You just went to Puerto Rico. I watched that whole thing.
-You did? -I know what's going on. Yeah.
-I love you. Thank you for doing that.
I appreciate it. Thank you for watching.
-This whole interview is turning around now
where I'm the good guy and you're the villain.
[ Light laughter ]
If you stay in an interview long enough, it turns around.
-What are you talking about? There was never a villain here.
-Oh, yes.
Every interview, there's a good person and a villain.
I've always said that.
-You have to put your coffee cup down,
'cause when we edit this -- We have continuity.
-You should have a cigarette for one of the things when we edit.
I'll be like this, smoking. Can somebody smoke on TV?
You probably can't even smoke on TV.
-Of course you can't smoke on TV, no.
-Well, don't say "of course."
In the old days, you could smoke on TV.
When I was on MTV...
[ Cheers and applause ]
You weren't born yet. I used to smoke on TV.
-You did? -Yeah.
-Letterman used to smoke in between commercial breaks.
-Well, but I was literally smoking on TV.
Don't throw Letterman in my face.
I don't care what Letterman did. Letterman is yesterday's news.
We're talking about me, here, now.
I'm promoting a show and used to be on MTV.
-Yeah, but you're talking about old times.
-I could have done a great set.
I could have just been finishing my stand-up set right now.
[ Laughter ] -What would you open with?
Social media? -I have no idea.
You should've left me out there
and said, "Go ahead. Do stand-up."
-How long is the show? -How long is it?
-Yeah. How long do we have to sit there?
[ Laughter ]
-And watch this...?
[ Laughter ]
-An hour and 15. -An hour and 15?
-Oh, it goes by like nothing. Goes by like nothing.
-90 minutes. -What?
-You got to change it up.
-90 minutes is longer than an hour, 15.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-That's the intermission.
-That's where I draw the line. 90 minutes.
I'll leave it at 90.
A janitor just comes up.
"Sir. You have to leave. Everyone's gone."
"All right." -You want to play a game?
All right. Don't look at what I'm writing down. Okay?
-Should have let me play that game before.
It looked like fun. -Yeah.
I wanted you to watch it, right?
-All right. -Don't look at what I'm --
-I'm not looking. [ Laughter ]
I'll look at my thing. -All right. Ready?
Ready for this? -Whoa. Yes.
-What's 2 plus 2? -4.
-What's 4 plus 4? -8.
-What's 8 plus 8? -16.
-What's 16 plus 16? -32.
-Name a vegetable. -A carrot.
Whoa!
♪♪
-Colin Quinn, everybody!
"Red State Blue State"
is at Minetta Lane Theatre through March 16th.
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