Well, you guys, the holiday season is here.
And I saw that tomorrow
is the White House Christmas tree lighting...
though when Trump first sees a bunch of blinking lights
outside, he'll shout, "Oh, my God, it's the FBI.
Just -- Tell them we're not home."
But the White House just put up
their official Christmas decorations,
and the theme this year is "American Treasures."
Which sounds less like a theme,
more like a line of creepy dolls sold on QVC.
It's like, "Y'all, look at these American Treasures, y'all.
There's only 300,000 left, and they're just so cute.
This one here looks like he got into Daddy's paints.
[ Laughter ]
He's in trouble."
I heard that Melania is in charge
of all the decorations this year.
Most of them look nice, but some people are referring
to the Christmas trees as blood trees because of their color.
Check these out. Yeah.
A lot of people said it looks like Christmas in hell.
Then Melania said, "Exactly."
[ Applause ]
Subtle. A little on the nose. A little on the nose there.
"This one got into, like, a little pie fight."
[ Laughter ]
"He was in a pie-eating contest. This little one."
-"His face is all messy."
-"His face is all messy with plum juice on it.
And this -- there's only 150,000 left of these."
Last night in Mississippi, Trump held a rally
where they had a bunch of Christmas decorations.
He even entered the arena from a giant fake fireplace.
[ Laughs ] Take a look at this.
-President Donald Trump! -There he is.
Yeah, there he is, right there.
He comes out from the fireplace. Yeah. There he is.
Well, it turns out that Trump went down five other chimneys
before he found the right one.
That one was real. He was like, "I did it."
Later in the speech, Trump talked about how Elvis
was born in Mississippi and compared himself to him.
Watch this.
Other than the blond hair,
when I was growing up, they said I looked like Elvis.
Do you see that? Can you believe it?
[ Laughter ]
Trump said, "I looked exactly like Elvis
other than the blond hair, the body, the voice, the face.
Everything else.
A doppelganger for Elvis."
This is big.
There are reports that Trump's
former campaign chairman Paul Manafort
secretly met with the founder of WikiLeaks
right before Hillary's hacked e-mails were released.
Now, I know that sounds suspicious,
but that's because it's very suspicious.
Get this.
The CDC says it's now safe to eat Romaine lettuce,
as long as it's not from Central California.
When people asked how to tell if the lettuce is from that area,
officials said, "Eat it and see what happens."
[ Applause ]
Check this out. A new study found that it takes
about 1.7 days for a LEGO to pass through the human body.
The guy who ate it says it was painful, while LEGO Batman said,
"Hey, it's no picnic for me, either, buddy.
Didn't do me any favors."
And finally, down in Washington, the new members of Congress
have started meeting their fellow lawmakers.
Of course, it can be hard to meet new people,
which is why a lot of them come prepared
with their own statements to break the ice.
Let's take a look at some Congressional ice-breakers.
First up, we have Alaska Congressman Don Young.
His ice-breaker is, "I've been in six Lifetime movies
as the guy who was Santa all along."
Oh, yeah, I know that movie. -Yeah.
-Yeah, he was Santa. -Where is he?!
-Next, here's North Carolina Congressman David Price.
His ice-breaker is, "I have 60,000 unread e-mails
because I do not know how to use the e-mail."
[ Applause ]
Next, here's South Dakota Congressman Dusty Johnson.
His ice-breaker is, "I only got elected with the name Dusty Johnson
because my opponent's name was Harry Dangler."
[ Laughter ]
-Wow. -Hello. Nice to meet you.
These are ice-breakers. -Yeah.
This is what they say to people when they first meet them.
-That's exactly right.
Here's New York Congressman Eliot Engel.
His ice-breaker is, "If you like my giant mustache,
then it did its job of distracting you
from my tiny eyebrows."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Next up is Utah Congressman John Curtis.
His ice-breaker is, "Nice to meet you.
[As Gollum] My precious!"
[ Laughter ]
Here's Maryland Congressman Jamie Raskin.
His ice-breaker is,
"I can't wait to represent everyone from where I grew up,
the space behind an old couch."
[ Applause ]
Up next is Texas Congressman Kevin Brady.
His ice-breaker is, "This is actually the back of my head."
What? What?
I don't know, man.
And finally, here's Missouri Congressman Sam Graves.
His ice-breaker is, "The reason no one in Congress
reaches across the aisles is because when they do,
I bite their fingers."
Well, they'll have something to talk about.
Guys, we have a great show. Give it up for The Roots.
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