-Guys, I heard that the TV ratings for Trump's rallies
have gone down.
People are saying his rallies
are like "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies.
They're wild and new at first,
then you realize they're all exactly the same.
Anyway...
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Boring.
But the midterm elections are under a month away,
and Trump's campaign is selling football jerseys
that say "Stand Up for America."
Yeah, the outside says, "Stand Up for America,"
while the inside says, "Made in China."
-Really?
[ Applause ]
-Check this out.
I heard that Trump keeps a printed list
of his accomplishments that he shows to reporters
to get them to write positive things about him.
He does.
It has 58 bullet points,
and we actually got our hands on it.
Take a look at this.
-Appointed two Supreme Court justices.
Increased military spending.
Lowered taxes for millionaires.
Fired Michael Flynn. Fired Sally Yates.
Fired James Comey. Fired Reince Priebus.
Fired Steve Bannon. Fired Rex Tillerson.
Fired David Shulkin. Hired Anthony Scaramucci.
Fired Anthony Scaramucci. Fired H.R. McMaster.
Fired Andrew McCabe. Fired Omarosa.
-All right. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.
[ Cheers and applause ]
He hired Scaramucci. -Yeah, then he fired him.
-Oh, this week, former New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg
switched his voter registration and became a Democrat.
[ Light applause ]
When asked him what made him change parties,
Bloomberg said, "Kanye."
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of New York, there's a hospital here in the city
that keeps a Spotify playlist full of songs
with beats that match up with CPR compressions.
'Cause when you're having a heart attack,
who doesn't want to hear their doctor say,
"So what do you think, Drake or Migos?
Sorry, we weren't talking about you.
Oops, I put on... Sorry, you're dead."
Get this -- a cheating scandal
has rocked the world of wine tasting.
-What?!
-Please, don't leave the room. This is a true --
That's right. It's rocked the world of wine tasting.
A cheating scandal came out that some tasters
were given the answers to an exam.
The wine tasters say that they are embarrassed,
a little humiliated, and there's a hint of shame.
[ Laughter, applause ]
Long walk. -Long walk.
-It was worth it when we got there, wasn't it?
Come on.
[ Laughter ]
The longest joke of the night. Yeah.
Little taste of shame there. -Ooh, shame.
-Yeah.
You guys, the news is so crazy lately,
sometimes it almost feels like someone
blended a bunch of stories together.
So we thought, what if we took some real headlines
and blended them together?
Would the news stories be any crazier than the actual news?
Let's find out.
If you blend the stories "Kanye and Kid Rock Reveal Music Bill,"
"'Time' Honors 23andMe DNA Test,"
and "Funky White Sister Surprised to Attend AMAs,"
you get "Surprise -- DNA Test Reveals
Kid Rock is Kanye's Funky White Sister."
You see what I'm saying? -Yeah, that's just crazy.
-A little bit crazier than -- -Just a tiny bit.
-Next up, if you blend the stories
"Celebrity Couple Gets Matching Tattoos,"
"Nicki Minaj Faces Lawsuit,"
and "Very High Ticket Prices
for Bill and Hillary Clinton's Tour,"
you get "Very High Bill and Hillary Clinton
Get Matching Face Tattoos of Nicki Minaj."
[ Applause ]
Here's the last one.
If you blend the stories "Yellowstone Geyser Erupts Trash,"
"Stock Market Down, Trump Reacts,"
and "Natty Light Selling 77-Can Pack,"
you get "Trump Down 77 Pack of Natty Light,
Erupts Yellow Geyser in Trash Can."
You see what I'm saying? -A little bit.
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