-Oh, wow. Thank you so much.
I moved here a couple of years ago from Ireland.
And I love your Irish restaurants over here.
They're so authentic, you know?
I'm a big fan of the quesadillas.
Really just remind me of home, you know?
I was in one of these restaurants not so long ago.
I saw this on the menu -- Irish nachos.
[ Light laughter ]
Fantastic.
While I'm at it, why don't I try
some of that famous Canadian sushi?
[ Laughter ]
Here's the thing -- I like Irish food.
I like Mexican food.
Just advertise the place so I know what to expect, you know?
Like, "Do you like stew and fajitas?
Well, come on down to Tac-O'Flannigan's.
[ Laughter ]
Free tequila shot with your shepherd's pie."
[ Laughter ]
I used to work in a bar in Manhattan.
And one time I was serving this guy, and he said to me,
"Uh, what's the least amount of wings I can get?"
"Uh, none.
[ Laughter ]
You want me to ring that up for you?"
[ Laughter ]
I do comedy full time now. I travel around a lot.
And I've noticed some people over here
feel very comfortable
complaining to me about immigration.
Like I'm not also an immigrant.
[ Laughter ]
Can you imagine how crazy I'd sound if I agreed with them?
If I was just like, "You know what?
You're right!
I'm tired of these people coming over here...
[ Laughter ]
...like I did.
[ Laughter ]
They're trying to take the jobs...
that I'm also trying to take.
[ Laughter ]
They never pay taxes...
I'm assuming, 'cause neither do I.
[ Laughter ]
And the worse part about it, they're coming from countries
with a history of terrorist organizations...
[ Laughter ]
...just like the IRA."
[ Laughter ]
Oh, thank you.
I've been traveling around a lot, as I said.
And I love your airlines over here,
'cause they're all horrific.
[ Laughter ]
It's like they had a meeting one day where they're like,
"You know, if we're all terrible,
they have to fly with one of us."
[ Laughter ]
And in that meeting, they were like,
"Hey, United, you've been doing awful well lately.
Maybe take it back a notch?"
United was like, "On it!" and just started tazing passengers
right, left, and center.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
Then they moved on to the next airline,
like, "Hey, guys, we warned you."
And they were like, "Roger that,"
and just started drop-kicking puppies off flights.
[ Light laughter ]
And then were like, "Hey, Spirit.
Keep up the good work."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Because they are the Mafia of the sky.
[ Laughter ]
Last time I flew with Spirit,
I showed up to the airport on a Monday,
and they were like, "Eh, how about Thursday?"
[ Laughter ]
'Cause they're the ones who invented
this low-fares crap over here, where they were like,
"How would you like to save $40
for the low, low cost of your dignity?"
[ Light laughter ]
They have all of these crazy stipulations.
They're like, "You don't get a carry-on.
No snacks.
Upon boarding the flight,
the pilot gets to punch you in the nuts...
[ Laughter ]
...and call your father a coward.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, and in the event
that we need to pull the evacuation slide,
a first-class passenger gets to sit on your back...
as they ride you to safety like a toboggan."
[ Laughter ]
And every time, I'm just like, "Well, if it'll save me $40."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Thank you. Thank you.
Although, clearly, I'm exaggerating there, guys,
you know, because Spirit doesn't have first class.
[ Laughter ]
First class on Spirit is just the seats
where the oxygen masks actually come down.
[ Laughter ]
But right before they do,
a credit-card machine just descends from above.
Like, "How much do you want your air, boy!"
[ Cheers and applause ] That is the end of my time.
Thank you so much. I appreciate it.
♪♪
-Oh, brother. Thank you, brother.
Sean Finnerty!
For more, go to seanfinnertycomedy.com.

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