♪ Zack Morris is Trash ♪
(school bell ringing)
- [Narrator] Stevie the pop star is coming back
to her middle school to perform.
Zack lays claim to her famous flesh.
Lisa, president of Stevie's fan club,
in certain Stevie will have no interest
in Zack's immature ass.
Here's Stevie!
Zack bet Nikki he could kiss Stevie
and claims he already won on a technicality
because he kissed her poster, pathetic!
If he wins, Nikki has to wash his gym clothes for a year,
attempting to force his unwanted physical advances
and housework on two women at the same damn time.
Stevie's so happy to see someone who knew her
back when she was still Colleen.
Miss Bliss learns Stevie's at a hotel
and insists she stay at her place.
Stevie is pumped about her show
and wants to sing a song for one special student.
Word is out Stevie's looking for someone to serenade.
Zack intends to be that someone
then leverage the moment for a kiss.
- She won't be able to say no while the cameras are rolling.
- [Narrator] It should come as no surprise
Zack's moving to Hollywood next year.
A wigless Stevie got accepted to college,
and despite her management's career concerns,
she's excited to find herself through higher education
because she's got a good head on her shoulders,
especially without that wig.
Zack hounds Lisa for info on Stevie
he can use to win his carnal wager.
Stevie loves charities and lost causes, but how lost?
- Earthquake relief, world hunger, children's hospitals.
- Ding!
- [Narrator] Zack is suddenly not feeling great.
Neither am I.
Stevie picked a winner, Zack Morris!
His doctor sent her a note,
saying his dying wish is a Stevie song.
Hopefully, it will add a few extra days
to his over-any-minute-now life.
P.S. Don't be afraid to kiss him.
He's not contagious.
Where did this guy go to med school?
Belding announces Zack will be onstage with Stevie.
Miss Bliss wants to know his secret.
Zack says he was just born lucky,
which is accurate as he does not have a fatal disease.
Belding tells Zack he knows.
Zack does his best death-bed cough, pathetic!
Belding alerts Mylo
that Zack is on his way out, so be nice.
Zack takes delight in his new power of manipulation.
He tells Belding to keep this quiet.
He doesn't want people treating him differently,
the only reason he's doing this.
Belding says it's their secret.
Oh, and he's clearing Zack's atrocious academic record.
But wanting to help,
Belding showed Zack's note to Miss Bliss,
who wants to know how she can ease his final days.
Zack was feeling a little weak during their last test.
An A would really help.
Of course!
By the way, what is killing Zack?
Clearly, it's not his conscience.
Zack says it's a rare case of, uh, deskarosis.
Best he can come up with, pathetic!
Miss Bliss says her grandpa had that.
She knows the cure.
You just need to hop up and down
to shake loose all that bullshit you're full of!
She can't believe she has to say this,
but you are not supposed to lie about dying!
It caused Belding real pain,
Zack's favorite part of the scam.
And he hurt Stevie.
Zack doesn't care.
She's just some broad who's gonna sing to him.
Won't be the first, won't be the last.
Miss Bliss can't believe she also has to say this,
but Zack's Stevie song is off.
Zack goes to apologize at Miss Bliss' house
to maybe get that song back and bumps into Colleen.
She asks if Zack really made a bet to kiss Stevie.
- I guess you think she's pretty hot.
- Nah.
- Nah?
- Okay, she's not a dog.
- [Narrator] What a charmer.
Zack tells Colleen to deliver his apology for him,
mistaking her for his personal apology secretary,
then tells Colleen to tell Miss Bliss to tell Stevie
she's a real dummy for quitting music to go to college.
Stevie had it made because all Zack values
is money, not learning,
and what he assumes to be a life of doing zilch.
Colleen drops some knowledge on Zack's boring ass
that entertainment is hard work.
Then, psychology attacked to feel Zack's approval
is the only thing keeping her from being a dog,
goes in for a kiss that is way more than Zack can handle.
Pathetic!
The gang is gathered for Stevie's show.
Nikki has gym clothes for Zack to wash
because he's too dense to understand he won.
Wow, what a show!
What a really weird show.
This show is very weird.
Zack says Stevie's weird show was awesome.
Her friends call her Colleen.
Zack, realizing he's the victor,
screams like a spaz that he kissed that girl.
Only, nobody believes him, listens, or cares
because no matter what, he's still a loser.
Let's review.
Zack Morris gambled over a celebrity kiss
to make his female classmate wash his sweaty clothes,
and when he learned his target has a kind heart,
abused that knowledge by faking a terminal illness
to guilt her into kissing him,
then expanded his charade, exploiting anyone
who would be foolish enough to grant him one last kindness.
Then, while attempting apology by proxy,
which is not a thing,
called the young lady he gambled on stupid
for wanting to go to college, and when he got that kiss,
that he only got by being a jerk,
and was too slow to know occurred, couldn't just enjoy it
and had to yell about it like a little blonde weenie.
Zack Morris is trash!
♪ Zack Morris is Trash ♪
(school bell ringing)
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