(thoughtful music)
- [Narrator] Will's kitchen sneakin'
for a little pre-Thanksgiving pie.
Uncle Phil had the same idea.
- This is not the first Philip Banks pie-jacking.
- [Narrator] And it won't be the last jack attempt
of this episode,
busted.
And a B-story about Hillary and Carlton volunteering
to feed the homeless, who cares.
The whole fam's in town for Turkey Day.
Will and Uncle Phil are helping Aunt Helen
with her heavy-ass trunk.
But Uncle Phil's back is not having it.
And a C-story breaks out about the women fighting over
who makes the best stuffing.
Will tries to settle it by siding with his mom,
but Uncle Phil cautions he's entering an unwinnable trap.
Phil's right, now everyone's pissed at Will
and he has to judge a four-way stuffing cook-off.
Uncle Phil and Will are couching it up
when Aunt Viv the Second says move that trunk.
Uncle Phil teaches Will
you can put off basic responsibilities
by lying to your life partner.
Wow, the stuffing wars are really heating up.
Wow, who cares.
It's finally time to lift that trunk,
but Will gets mad at the sports
and Uncle Phil fucks his back up somethin' serious.
His loved ones rush to his rescue.
Then bail, because stuffing.
But it's Thanksgiving,
the doctor can't see Phil until Monday.
Will has the answer:
Hit up one of those reputable acupressure spots
that are open 24/7, even holidays.
Uncle Phil declines, but Will coaxes him
with the reminder that he is fat and likes food
and Thanksgiving has lots of food,
so get your fat ass massaged
if you want a seat at the feast.
Meanwhile, at the shelter,
Carlton is feeding an unfortunate kid
who lost his Home
Improvement.
Will takes Phil to a classy joint with zebra print pillows.
He says Phil needs a massage, deep tissue.
Definitely gonna need some tissues.
This kind professional offers to give Will
a massage, personally.
Sounds legit.
The stuffing wars rage on.
May god have mercy on us all.
- Today's your lucky day, you get a choice of body oils.
We have cinnamon, honey suckle,
and our holiday special, cranberry.
- [Narrator] Uncle Phil, I think this nice woman
is about to rub actual cranberry sauce on your nutsack.
Meanwhile, Will is less concerned with the minutiae.
- Just work it, girl.
- [Narrator] Uncle Phil and Will are having
a good ol' fashioned holiday rubdown a thin wall apart.
One of the scantily clad pilgrims offers Will the special.
Will says duh, but Will and Uncle Phil
have very different reactions to the special,
which turns out to be four titties on a Thursday.
Uncle Phil wants to leave now.
Will says he'll be out in 10 minutes,
which gives him 9 minutes and 38 seconds to clean up,
get dressed and have a smoke.
Uncle Phil says we gotta gobble, gobble go.
Oh snap, the cops.
Busted,
to be continued right now.
Uncle Phil requests Officer Dickhole,
working holiday overtime
to catch lonely dudes getting Turkey Tugs,
to give him a break.
Lieutenant SucksAss says that's up to the D.A.,
and surely a judge would know that.
Now, welcome to jail, Happy Thanksgiving, bitches.
Will tries a tough guy act so Uncle Phil can call a lawyer,
and this dude yanks the phone right off the wall.
He could probably get a job at that massage parlor.
Meanwhile, the ladies are getting worried
about their missing relatives
as they're starting to run low on filler plot.
I mean stuffing plot, I mean filler plot.
Phil and Will get shitty dinners, this sucks Plymouth rocks.
Worst Thanksgiving ever.
Then Will starts talking about all the food at home.
Reminding us, one more 'gain, of the four kinds of stuffing.
That's all Uncle Phil needs to pull some expert level
Let Me Speak to Your Manager-ing.
He says get the D.A. on the horn.
Tell him we haven't had access to a phone call or a lawyer,
or four kinds of stuffing,
or you'll be the one getting jerked behind bars.
Uncle Phil and Will are back on the streets.
Free men, ready to spill their gravy.
Phil and Will vow to never speak a word of this to anyone.
Dinner is poppin', best Thanksgiving ever.
Hey, Phil, Will, the fuck took y'all so long?
- Nothing.
- Yeah, nada, (mumbles), nilch, nothing.
Ah, look at the bird.
- [Narrator] Very smooth.
Then a super necessary eating montage
that goes on for, like, two minutes.
But what about the stuffing contest?
Will says it's a tie.
Everyone's like so what the shit
was the point of all that?
It took us two episodes to make that stuffing.
Uncle Phil says there is no point, to anything.
Because we're all gonna die alone,
it's just nice to occasionally be together in the meantime
for mashed potatoes.
Then the whole gang gets salty
and Aunt Helen is drunk alone, talking shit by herself.
Classic Thanksgiving.
So what did we learn today?
- When you have a chronic back problem
and you go for a therapeutic massage,
and wind up in a house of ill-repute,
which is subsequently raided,
and you are arrested by mistake,
never
tell
your wife.
- [Narrator] Huh,
yeah, that pretty much sums it up.
And if you want to get a hand job on Thanksgiving,
just do it yourself in your childhood bedroom
like everyone else.
See you next time on A Very Special Episode.
(thoughtful music)
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