-Great show tonight.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Paul Giamatti is here tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
Paul Giamatti.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Common is here tonight. We have Common.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And we've got magic
from "America's Got Talent" winner, Shin Lim.
Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, and after yesterday's Senate hearing,
hopefully he can make everyone in Washington disappear.
That would be fantastic.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Speaking of leaving Washington, I saw that next week,
First Lady Melania Trump is going to Africa
on a humanitarian visit.
When she gets there, people will be like, "How can we help you?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
But I heard that Africa will be Melania's first big solo trip
as First Lady.
In response, Donald was like, "I love 'Africa.'
It's my favorite song by Toto."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"I bless the rains.
I bless the rains down in Africa."
Speaking of the president, he just wrapped up
his week here in New York
after coming to town for the U.N.
You can tell he really enjoyed being back in the city.
In fact, check out this video he released.
♪♪
-Start spreading the fake news.
It's fake. Phony. Fake.
I'm leaving today.
Today.
I don't want to be a part of it.
I'm leaving now, and I'm getting out of New York.
I'm getting the hell out of here now!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Go back!
Some TV news.
I saw that for the first time,
Canadians are now eligible to compete on "Survivor."
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
Which will be great until they all
politely vote themselves off.
Like, "Sorry, sorry."
Hey, guys, listen to this. You probably haven't heard this.
Alaska Airlines might start giving out
virtual reality headsets to first class passengers.
Yeah. [ Audience "Oohs" ]
Meanwhile, if you're in coach,
they just duct tape an in-flight magazine to your forehead.
It's still fun.
[ Applause ] "It's like I'm there!"
This is interesting.
I heard that IHOP is now making their own beer.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
It's perfect for people who think Waffle House beer
is just a little too trashy.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I read that Taco Bell's breakfast menu
is pretty popular,
but nobody is ordering their coffee.
Probably because drinking coffee after eating Taco Bell is...
[ Laughter ]
It's like dropping a pack of Mentos into some Diet Coke.
You know what I'm saying?
-Whoa!
[ Applause ]
-And Dunkin' Donuts is changing their name to just Dunkin'.
This has some loyal customers nervous
about what else is changing about the stores,
so we thought we'd put people's minds at ease
and let you know all the things
that are not changing at Dunkin'.
For instance...
Next up...
[ Laughter ] And finally...
New name. Same old Dunkin'.
You see this?
You can now take at-home STD tests.
Health care experts say it's perfect
for anyone who likes to panic in the comfort of their own home.
[ Laughter ]
Also, a new study found that hand dryers in bathrooms
spread more germs than paper towels.
[ Audience murmurs ]
And the makers of hand dryers said,
"But don't forget, we also don't dry your hands."
[ Laughter ]
But the news is so crazy lately, sometimes it feels like
the stories are just made up,
like someone just blended a bunch of them together.
So we took some real headlines and blended them together
to see if the new stories
were any crazier than the actual news.
Here's the first example. If you blend the stories...
You get...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next up, if you blend the stories...
You get...
A little bit better than...
-[ As Dr. Phil ] How's that working out for you?
-Next up, if you blend the stories...
You get...
[ Laughter and applause ]
And here's the last one here.
If you blend the stories...
You get...
-Hey!
-That's not much crazier than the actual news.
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