you know I've heard a lot of experts say
that fear isn't real that is such a
bunch of baloney fear is so real in fact
there are probably things that you're
afraid of doing right now in your life
in your relationships at work and the
fact that you're afraid that's robbing
you of all of the experiences that you
want to have in your life I mean if
you're afraid to fly that's gonna limit
your ability to travel and see the world
or go visit friends if you're afraid of
public speaking that's gonna really
limit your ability to express yourself
and share your ideas if you if you're
afraid of talking to your boss or asking
for a raise that directly impacts how
much money you make or what if you are
dreaming of starting a business or
you've already started a new business
but you're afraid to talk to people and
you're afraid to share your business
with people I mean fear is something
that stops us all and that's why I'm
here to talk to you because it doesn't
have to fear is real but I am gonna
share a secret weapon that I have used
for years to beat every single fear that
used to stop me now first before we get
into the secret weapon I just want to
cover a few facts about fear what it is
what it isn't and some things that you
may not know about fear so first thing
fear is a physical state in your body
that is exactly the same as excitement
let me say that again fear and
excitement are the exact same physical
state your heart races
you might sweat a little bit you might
feel tightening in your chest you might
feel a pit in your stomach you have a
surge of cortisol it's basically the way
that your body goes into a hyper aware
state because it's readying for action
now what's the difference between fear
and excitement really simple the only
difference between fear and excitement
is what your brain is doing as your body
is all agitated if you're excited your
brain is going
wow this is gonna be so cool to ride
this roller coaster if you're afraid
your brains going Oh got no way there's
no way I'm doing that this is dangerous
get out of there don't do that it's
saying something different so what's
critical about understanding this is
that we're gonna use the fact that your
mind is either working for you for
excitement or against you with fear to
your advantage and I'll tell you about
it in just a minute how you're gonna do
that second thing I want you to
understand is that you may have heard
the advice feel the fear and do it
anyway you may have heard the advice oh
just try to calm down think positive
thoughts it doesn't work does it and
there's a reason why it doesn't work so
let's go back to fact number one when
you're afraid your body's in a state of
arousal on agitation it your heart is
racing and you're all like amped up and
you're hyper aware of what's going on
and you're freaking out a little bit
what is it like when you're calm ah
you're just kind of chilled right you
got like this low arousal state very
very difficult to go from a state of
agitation of being all jacked up and
excited and weirded out uh to a kind of
state it doesn't work it's like trying
to stop a train by throwing a boulder on
the tracks it's gonna make the train
jump off the tracks it's gonna cause a
disaster in fact they've proven in
research that when you try to ignore
your fears it actually makes them worse
they've also proven in research the
positive thinking alone also can make
your fears work worse so what do you do
what do you do when you're about to go
talk to your boss and you feel afraid
what do you do when you have to get on a
plane and you're actually terrified of
flying what do you do if you got to give
a presentation and you are afraid of
public speaking here's what you're gonna
do you're gonna use a strategy the same
one that I use that has helped me beat
every single fear and turn me into
somebody that is terrific when it comes
to a high-stress situation this is how
you do it you're gonna use my
five-second rule in combination with
what I call an anchor
and that is going to reframe what your
mind is doing so that your mind goes
from feeling agitation and making you
afraid to reframing it from agitation to
excitement it works like magic now I
have used this technique for years
literally for years and one of the ways
that I want to introduce you to it is I
want to take you backstage I want to
take you backstage to a speech that I
delivered this year and what you're
gonna see is you're gonna see me behind
you know the major set I'm about to walk
out you can kind of hear the crowd
roaring my introductory video is playing
my body is in a state of arousal
I am literally my heart is racing my
arms are sweating like it's like you're
gonna see this I'm gonna tell you about
it and you're gonna watch me use this
same technique I'm gonna teach you to
reframe my nerves into excitement check
this out
all right I'm about to go onstage there
are seven that was a people out there
and it's so exciting because of them
what they don't know is they're about to
learn the five-second rule their lives
will never be the same again now I got
to tell you my heart is racing my
armpits are sweating I have the exact
same physiological feeling as what I'm
afraid but I'm not afraid I'm excited
excitement and fear is the exact same
thing in your body it's just what your
brain calls
here's a trick that's proven by science
that I use every time I speak when I
start to sweat when I start to have
butterflies when I start to have my
heart race
I say I'm excited I'm excited to get out
there I'm excited to talk to these
people I'm excited to share the
five-second rule and what that does is
it sends a message to my brain that
tells my brain why my body's all
agitated and excited and that way I
don't feel afraid
remember excitement and fear exact same
thing in your body the only difference
is what your brain calls it now I want
to give you one more example just to
make sure that you really get how you
can use this so a lot of you have
written to me about your fear of flying
and I can really relate to that fear
because I used to have the exact same
fear but I used this same strategy to
conquer it here's how you're going to do
it so first things first if you've got
to do something that really makes you
nervous or that you're afraid to do
before you're about to do it come up
with an anchor thought what's an anchor
thought well an anchor thought is
something that's going to anchor you so
that you don't escalate any situation
into a full-blown panic attack or into a
situation where you screw things up it's
a way for you to anchor yourself so you
maintain control over what you're
thinking and how you behave so here's an
example with fly it's important when
you're creating an anchor thought to
pick something that is in the proper
context of what you're afraid to do so
for flying pick an anchor thought that
has to do with the trip that you're
taking so if I'm boarding a plane to fly
back home to Michigan an anchor thought
might be a picture in my mind of my mom
and I walking on the shores of Lake
Michigan where I grew up that's a
thought that makes me happy it makes me
excited and it's also related to the
trip that I'm taking if you have a
conversation that you need to have with
your boss pick an anchor thought about
how you feel after having that
conversation maybe it's you picking up
the phone and calling somebody that you
you love and saying oh my god
shit went so well or you know you
walking out of the meeting and feeling
like yeah I survived that conversation I
feel pretty good about myself so now
that you have your anchor thought you're
ready to beat the fear is the biggest
obstacle that we face Thiago it's simple
it's self-doubt it's not fear it's not
like a money it's not lack of supporters
it's the fact that deep down inside
we'll doubt yourself at critical moments
and here's the problem with self-doubt
self-doubt doesn't have to stop you the
problem is self-doubt is that the second
that you feel a little doubtful the
second that you start to question
yourself
you physically hesitate
that hesitation has become a habit that
stops you because the moment you
hesitate it wakes up your brain your
brain starts linking and then you hold
yourself back you guys know I talk about
the five-second rule incessantly it's
the title of the new book that I'm
writing that's coming out in 2017 the
five-second rule is a tool that battles
self-doubt because in those moments
those those tiny micro moments when
you're faced with should I do this or
should I not should I speak in a meeting
should I hold back my ideas should I
have this tough conversation or should I
wait till later
the second you doubt the option of
moving forward
yesterday
then you think then you have
that's how it happens every single time
that's how you sabotage your success
that's how you rob yourself joy
of hesitating the moment that you feel
them is killing your dreams
the single biggest obstacle in life data
is the doubt that you feel and the
single biggest mistake that you're
making is that you hesitate when you
feel it if you start to use the
five-second rule in those moments to
just physically move forward within five
seconds of feeling that doubt you'll win
what energizes you and that we naturally
have a tremendous amount of body wisdom
about that and that every one of us has
an internal fuel tank that is either
empty or full and if you're empty you
feel depleted if you're full you feel
energized and so if you simply are in
any situation I mean any situation and
you pay attention within five seconds to
does this person energize me do they
deplete me where are they in the scale
you just gain some tremendous wisdom and
you the simple way to start to figure
out who you are and what you want is
start aligning yourself with more things
that energize you so situationally if
you're lying in bed and the snooze alarm
goes or the arm goes off and you feel
depleted and you start reaching for the
snooze button that's a really big sign
that you need to get out of bed now
being depleted versus energized has
nothing to do with whether or not things
are hard or easy it has to do with what
naturally actually either expands you or
shrinks you and so if you look at your
client list and measure it depleted
versus energized what shrinks versus
expands me you have the actual map and
when you start to find the courage to
make decisions
that energizes you and that expand you
whether they're scariest or not that's
when everything changes and so that's
how I actually make business decisions
is this I don't even like the money
conversation comes second it's does this
deplete or energize me and if it
depletes me how do you move it in that
direction or how do I stay sane oh if it
energizes me how do I do more because if
you are energized or expanded by
something you will do it for no money
you will do it happily and you will
suddenly wake up and say oh my gosh like
my heart I'm pursuing my passion
how did that happen a lot of you feel
stuck because you're waiting for some
kind of external force to either push
you and pressure you to change and to be
great and to be amazing or you're
waiting for somebody to give you
permission you're either sitting back
because you need some sort of external
motivation from somebody that's gonna
push you or praise you or pressure you
in order to change or some life
circumstance like maybe in your past
you've experienced trauma or you faced
something really scary and that was the
thing that made you change and then the
second thing that people wait around for
is permission
look those may or may not come in your
life if you are somebody that is sitting
around waiting for some external force
to come and do the work for you that is
such a losing bet it's unbelievable
maybe you'll get lucky maybe somebody
will come but more than likely no one is
coming
the only kind of force that will truly
create change in your life is you the
internal kind of force I hate to say it
but for those of you that feel really
really stuck and you keep thinking that
somebody's got to pick me or somebody's
gonna discover me or somebody's got to
give me permission to write this book
it's it's ridiculous this is external
versus internal force
and what you have to figure out if
you're stuck is are you the kind of
person that is guilty of needing wanting
and waiting for external forces people
an event some outside force to kick you
in the ass they'll finally do the stuff
that you've been dreaming about doing I
want to tell you something no one's
coming no one the people in life that
get what they want are the ones that
aren't waiting for an external force to
validate their dreams to inspire them to
give them permission it's the people
that realize that success but happiness
that control it comes from the internal
force and what is the internal force
it's you it's you it's you being able to
realize that no one's gonna do the work
for you it's you realizing that you're
never gonna feel ready
in fact even as you start working toward
the things that you really want to do
you're definitely not gonna feel ready
and you're gonna feel outside your
comfort zone and that's normal when you
start to feel like you're stretching
yourself and you're sticking your
scrawny neck out there and you're taking
some risks that's amazing
cuz you're growing trying to become a
fashion and beauty blogger and Mert and
earn money from it full time but I have
some kind of mental block and
procrastination problem this is
something that we see over and over and
over again and it's this idea that you
don't ever start you stay trapped in
your head and if you feel paralyzed if
you've been spinning the same ideas over
and over and over again then you know
what I'm talking about
you see many of you are thinking way too
big you're attaching way too much
pressure on the things that you're
interested in until you start blogging
about fashion you won't even know if you
like it so thinking that you have a
dream about doing it and thinking that
you have this grand plan that you're
gonna do it full-time it is a complete
and utter waste of your time to be
dreaming that big and let me tell you
why because oftentimes if you're the
kind of person like Vicky that's getting
trapped up here the bigness of
you're thinking about is what's stopping
you what I want you to do if you're in
Vicki's situation is I want you to stop
dreaming and I want you to just start
doing small things I want you to go back
to curiosity and less into crushing your
big goals you think about life and
business and success is that you have to
be willing to start and for people that
procrastinate starting is the hardest
part for people that worry for people
that think too big starting is the
hardest part folks that study
procrastination talk about the fact that
the only way to beat procrastination is
to create what they call a starting
ritual which is a way to push yourself
to get started because all the research
shows that if we can push you to get
started on something you'll likely keep
going spend a lot of time talking about
mindset from the standpoint of think
positive so positive things happen and I
do believe in having a positive mindset
obviously I think that the actions that
you take are way more important in terms
of developing that mindset but we don't
spend enough time on what you were just
talking about which is understanding how
the automatic nature of worrying about
stuff all day long how that is making
you less money how it is making you less
happy how it is disconnecting you from
your spouse how it is keeping you
unhealthy and how it is a habit that
robs you of joy and opportunity and
power and it is one of the easiest
habits to break number one your life
happens in five-second windows number
two in five seconds you can control what
you think you can decide what you're
going to do and you can change
absolutely anything which changes
absolutely everything and so the five
second rule is a mind trick that's all
that it is a fancy way to call it as a
you know it's a form of metacognition
but it's basically a hack it's a cheat
code okay and the way that it works and
this is the challenge with getting it
out there is that it sounds so
profoundly stupid like a gimmick that it
took a while for people to actually take
it seriously I get that and to really
stack up the science to make you know
anybody that interacts with it go holy
shit like this actually works yeah so
here's what it is basically the moment
you catch yourself hesitating or
doubting or starting to worry or about
to chicken out or shrink or shut up or
whatever it is that you're about to do
that is shrinking your power you just go
5 4 3 2 1 you count backwards 5 4 3 2 1
what happens when you do that don't do
it out loud because it'll scare somebody
it's like you know we say it's it's so
simple that people live skip in the
making because that means I've really
made it through your kids will use it on
you so my kids will use it on me so if I
have a certain tone that comes out I'll
hear my child go 5 4 through watch that
tone mom you know just alright mom 5 4 3
2 1 I thought you're gonna go to the gym
yes
so by counting backwards the the kind of
cheat code that you're doing in your
mind is you are interrupting what are
called habit loops that get encoded in
the central part of your brain and you
are starting up the prefrontal cortex
it's a little trick that causes focus
and it's it's a lot like having a mantra
because you're shifting gears but the
thing about having a mantra is and I
suppose that as you count backwards more
and more and more you become used to it
but it becomes a habit that triggers
action so what you do is go 5 4 3 2 1
cut off this part of the brain awaken
this part of the brain and then move and
what happens with the counting backwards
is there's nowhere to go after one
and your mind is socialized in a
countdown situation to go and so
counting up won't work because you can
keep forever and you do it in many
aspects of your life so it's actually
not something that requires any focus
I'm the kind of person that believes you
should always make decisions with your
heart and soul you can use your brain
for math you can use your brain to look
at the fine print in a contract but when
it comes to the actual feel of the
decision you always want to go inward
and check it against your heart and soul
how do you do that here's the simple
test does the decision that you're about
to make expand you expand your future or
expand the possibilities of your life if
the answer is yes then the decision is
yes no matter how terrifying it is if
you conversely look at the choice that
you have to make and the decision will
shrink you will silence you will inhibit
you in some way then the answer is no no
matter how easy the decision is no
matter how safe the decision is the
answer is no now one of the things I
want to point out that when you start to
use this does it expand or does it
shrink me does it open possibilities or
does it keep things closed does it raise
my voice or does it silence me right is
that there's always a short-term and a
long-term impact to the decision the
short-term impact to making an expansive
decision a decision that's based in your
heart in your soul
sometimes it's terrifying because
sometimes it means moving or it means
changing a job or changing a
relationship or having a difficult
conversation or starting something new
and those sorts of things are always
uncomfortable so brace for impact
put the force fields up but make the
decision anyway because the long-term
impact of making a decision from your
heart and soul that is where the best
life comes from because you're living
for what's true for you not what's safe
in the
I think everybody has fear all wrong
people have so many theories about fear
they talk about oh I'm afraid of success
no I'm afraid of failure I'm afraid of
intimacy I'm afraid of heights I'm
afraid of this I'm afraid of that I'm
afraid of the other thing there's
actually only two fears only two and if
you're in sales which you are or even if
you're not
life is about persuading people life is
about influencing people and fear is the
invisible force that will make you
ineffective at that it will stop you now
I love JK Rollins as an example I mean
we all know the Harry Potter series but
what a lot of people don't know about
her she talks a lot about fear she
struggled with major depression do you
know she was unemployed and she wrote
the original idea for Harry Potter on a
napkin while she was on state benefits
she was then rejected by 12 publishing
houses and this by the way was after she
was divorced bankrupt and a single mom
of a kid pushed herself pushed herself
pushed herself she talks a lot about
fear and about failure well you know we
know the moral of the story she just
kept going of course she was afraid but
she had the good kind of fear not the
bad kind of fear first things first when
I wake up in the morning and I do not
sleep next to my phone the reason why I
don't sleep next to my phone is
sleeping next to it or use it as your
alarm your tendency is to look at it
while you're in bed that means that
you're checking email before you've even
thought about what your priorities are
do not do that that's tip number one tip
number two I have a pad of post-it notes
yes post-it notes next to my sink in my
bathroom
because after I brush my teeth haven't
looked at my phone yet I take a post-it
note out and I write the three things I
need to focus on today and then you know
what I do with it I stick it on the back
of my phone now why would I do that
because I have my phone with me all the
time and so if it's on the back of my
phone I'm gonna get a visual cue to
remind me exhibit top of mine so I stay
focused on it third thing that I do it's
a little trick I call 30 before 7:30
what that means I spend 30 minutes
before 7:30 a.m. just focused on getting
my day organized and getting a few of
the things that are my top priorities
either finished or further down the
field so that's 30 minutes before 7:30
a.m. that's time
for me if you utilize those three things
don't sleep with your phone
right after you brush your teeth right
out your three priorities and stick it
on the back of your phone just like this
and spend 30 minutes before 7:30 for
yourself I promise you you'll be shocked
at how much more focused you are and
e-field
many of you are sitting around waiting
to feel ready you can still move forward
when you're not ready too many of you
are waiting to feel like you deserve to
make six figures it's about the action
your mind your history your past you
will always have a million excuses not
to do it not to feel like it not to
believe in yourself they're all the only
thing that matters in your life and your
business is the actions that you're
taking and then the more consistently
that you take action the faster you will
start to believe in yourself because you
will see proof that you are not the kind
of person that sits around and feels
unworthy that you're not a victim that
sits by and get sucked into other
people's stuff that you're not that kind
of person
so it won't make sense to believe it
anymore but it starts with action I
believe in all of you and I believe in
your ability to get it done but it's
gonna be up to you who is the problem
yeah who is the solution that's right
don't wait to feel it that it's the
biggest mistake you could possibly make
it remember that you're smart remember
that you know what to do and just get it
done
what's fascinates me about human beings
and it fascinates me about myself is
that we have such a high tolerance for
suckiness isn't it crazy as long as the
suckiness is a routine but the second
you get thrown out of your routine or
the second that whether it's because you
lose a job or somebody moves or somebody
dies or somebody breaks up with you or
you break like all of a sudden that
awakens the courage in you to make a
change because you you know either you
have no choice or now you got a problem
to solve but fighting that inertia of
life is the most difficult thing in the
world I ended up getting a job with a
law firm because it was the path of
least resistance in Boston in Boston I
hated it because I went from being in
the courtroom to writing briefs all day
and luckily I got pregnant with our
first daughter who just is starting
college which makes me feel so ancient I
just want to like punch myself in the
face if I have a 18 year olds freshman
college um thank you but I got pregnant
with her and when she was born I had
horrific postpartum depression Wow I
mean the really scary kind where you
can't be alone with the baby you're on
crazy meds that turn you at life not the
kind you take recreationally these are
the kind that like turn you into a
zombie and it was a really scary thing
and I when I kind of came out of the
eight-week trance of that I looked up at
Chris and said I've made a decision
and he said okay what would that be and
I
I don't ever want to answer the question
what do you do for a living with the
response I'm a lawyer and he said okay
you realize we've just bought this house
and we have a kid and we have to pay and
he said so here's the deal you've got
exactly four weeks before your maternity
leave is over
you need to make $60,000 I don't care
what you do for a living that's your
problem go solve it and the night before
I was supposed to read so I networked
like a crazy person because again if
you're a human being with a problem
you'll solve it yeah and so if it
matters enough to and so I got a job and
this was the first convo in Boston I got
a job the night before I was supposed to
go back I've been in the media business
for ten years when I tell you that
things have changed 1,000% let me just
give you an example my first media deal
I was signed by ABC that's right ABC the
big dog crazy syndicated shows I was
signed by them to do a talk-show deal
now do you know what that meant there
was some executive that was looking out
over the sea of talent they were meeting
with agents they were picking people
they were doubting you and then guess
what if they did pick you they owned
everything they told you what to do
Oprah Sun anomaly the game was
gatekeepers a few media players a sea of
competition total scarcity now what is
it today holy it's unbelievable
if you have an iPhone you can have a
show if you have an idea and you're
willing to put it out there and you're
willing to start sharing yourself on
social media you have a syndication
platform there is no one doubting you
except for you and that's why I'm
sitting here imploring you I'm telling
you right now if you have a business if
you have aspirations if you have a dream
the single biggest opportunity in front
of you is to being put it out on social
media to start talking about the things
that interest you to start sharing your
ideas sharing and documenting what
you're up to I guarantee you you start
doing that and you're gonna start
amassing an audience that you had no
idea was out there dying to connect with
you to learn from you and to grow with
you gave a speech yesterday in Dallas
after the speech it was a big audience
of people in financial services a guy
dressed to the nines and like one of
these super slick suits comes up to me
he says hey Mel you know really love the
five-second rule do you mind if I give
you some feedback feedback ah don't you
hate getting feedback and then when
people actually preface it by saying can
I give you some feedback I don't know
about you but literally my butt's like
it just cannot and it I immediately go
on edge but here's the thing about
feedback you have to take it you have to
take it it is critical critical critical
critical so I want to tell you number
one what the guy said to me my reaction
and then I want to give you my
philosophy about feedback because what
the guy said to me was so valuable and
it was also really hard for me to hear
Here I am
after the speech were surrounded by a
big group of people he walks up to me
and says when it's his turn in the line
can I give you some feedback
I immediately tense up and this is what
he says Mel I love the concept of the
five-second rule
super cool idea can't wait to try it
okay now comes the punch of the gun he
said you called it stupid so many times
during the speech it was off-putting
doesn't that sound terrible that word
and he said I could tell that you were
doing it on purpose he's right
in fact you called it stupid so many
times and yet you have these insanely
powerful examples of how people are
using it you came off as defensive when
he said this to me I'm literally you
know how you feel like you're shrinking
in life or you're like standing and
you're full-size and then all of a
sudden somebody says some you're like I
just want to disappear right now and the
reason why I was such a zinger is he was
right he was absolutely right you see I
do call the five-second real stupid
because I'm in front of so many
analytical audiences I'm in front of
skeptics all the time and so I use it as
a pre-emptive way to disappear the
biggest push back on the five-second
rule which is on its face it sounds so
stupid so
there's no way it could be so powerful
the problem is I've gotten lazy and I
say it too much he's a hundred percent
right and by hearing that feedback I can
make a really simple tweak to my speech
I can call it stupid once or twice in
the very beginning and then I can
transition to calling it something
that's very simple and powerful now
that's gonna help me reach more people
with the five-second rule and here's
what I want to say about feedback
feedback is intense to receive it really
is because you are exposing yourself to
critical opinions it will make you feel
very vulnerable the way that I handle
feedback and process it I'm very clear
about the things that I will receive
feedback on and I'm very clear about the
things that I will not receive feedback
on and the reason why is if you don't
listen to any feedback at all guys
you're never gonna improve you're not
gonna ever do anything new so no
feedback means nothing new if you listen
to everything that everybody says in
terms of feedback if you allow everybody
to weigh in on everything it's gonna
become so paralyzing that you will do
nothing new so the key with feedback is
knowing yourself and knowing what you
actually accept feedback on and knowing
what you don't accept feedback on so
many of us have this perfectionism gene
and the reason why we're perfectionists
is we're trying to insulate ourselves
from criticism that if you get it
perfect no one will give you feedback if
you get it right nobody's going to
criticize you if you do it perfect then
no one will be able to attack you and
the problem with that and that's just
another side of the same coin which is
the fear of disappointing people you're
managing not disappointing people not by
lying and not by being codependent but
by actually trying to be a perfectionist
so that nobody criticizes you so let me
tell you a story about the fear of
disappointing people in my own life
because this is the biggest trigger in
my life I mean it goes back to being in
fourth grade right it's there
and this is another thing I have to
remind myself of this everybody every
single day you cannot remove the things
that trigger you you can't if you've
been doing a pattern since fourth grade
there will be things for the rest of
your life the
will trigger that pattern to come up but
you can always choose not to repeat the
pattern so you'll be triggered and be
afraid that you're gonna disappoint
somebody that's real that's normal it's
natural it's part of being a human being
I think it's interwove and into every
relationship where you love somebody but
you don't have to behave the way that
you always behaved when you're nervous
about disappointing somebody so let me
give you a dumb story ready when my
husband and I got married my father gave
us this really incredible gift he gave
us an antique pool table I grew up in
Muskegon Michigan where Brunswick was
founded and my dad has a hobby of going
to garage sales and estate sales and
buying old dilapidated pool tables and
then he restores them so when Chris and
I got married he bought us an old
dilapidated pool table from the same era
as our house which is the 1870s he
restored the whole thing and then
recently he and I rented a u-haul and we
drove this sucker from Muskegon Michigan
to Boston Massachusetts my dad and I
took a road trip get there and we
assemble the pool table in what used to
be our playroom fast forward three or
four years the speaking business takes
off my business starts to grow we have
people that work for us and my kids are
older we don't need a playroom
we need an office the pool table is in
the middle of this thing for the first
two years of having the office we kept
the pool table there why because I
didn't want my dad to be disappointed
because I love him now he visits our
house twice a year for two or three days
with my mom and I kept this thing
occupying a third of our office for two
years and then I realized I'm being
ridiculous I'm being absolutely
ridiculous now here's the thing
will he be disappointed if I take the
pool table down absolutely definitely
they're always going to be things that
you do decisions that you have to make
in your life in your business for your
family that will disappoint other people
it's unavoidable but the fact that he's
going to be disappointed should never be
the reason that I don't do something
that is aligned with my
values now let's take it a step further
when you make a decision that is likely
going to disappoint people or that does
still make the decision because it's
your life there's nothing worse than
when you start to rob your future and
your life and your happiness because
you're so focused on other people
however if you love people you can still
take care of them when you make that
decision so let me go back to the
example of the pool table so I knew I
was gonna take it down I knew my father
was gonna be disappointed I was
disappointed I don't have a big house so
I don't eat you know I don't have the
room for a huge pool table I don't have
a finished basement like a lot of people
I don't have like a cool garage game
room thing like I just don't happen I
called him first and said I need to talk
to you about something you know the pool
table I love the pool table dad my
business is growing so much I actually
need an office and all great it'll be
great in the office and I'm like wow
yeah wood except I have you know through
four people showing up we got to put
some desks in there for now
even with that while you could put a
piece of plywood and they could work on
the pool table and then they could do
the thing and then the thing and now my
heart is racing because I don't want to
disappoint my dad and now he's fighting
for the and I had to just say for me dad
here's what's gonna happen I'm gonna
hire professional movers in the pool
table business to disassemble this with
love and care we were gonna store it
beautifully when I either get a
full-time office off-site or I build a
barn or I build a different house this
will have its own beautiful room
dedicated to you so we had this
beautiful conversation now was he
disappointed absolutely when they come
to the house and visit which they just
did and they walk into the office do I
feel a pang you better believe I do
it doesn't matter that's all normal I
still need to make the decisions that I
need to make and the difference what's
changed is how I relate to that fear so
instead of what I would do in the past
is I would make a decision that doesn't
serve me I'd leave the pool table and
then I'd be all about it I'd leave the
pool table as a way to make my dad happy
but it makes me miserable to leave it
there because I need the space right and
then I'd be kind of annoyed and
he'd come and I'd fake play pool because
I kind of want to run you know you know
what I'm saying like we do all this but
that's not real and what I've been able
to do for myself in some instances when
I sketch it is to hit it head-on
and to be authentic and to still take
care of people and what I've also come
to learn is that people can be
disappointed in you and they still love
you you know you're never gonna get
around this everybody in your family is
gonna be disappointed with you probably
once a day probably and you have the
ability to retrain how you respond to
that trigger that rises up in you where
you start to fear that you're
disappointing somebody and the answer
really is make the decision that's
aligned with your values and the thing
that supports you and then take care of
the person by being honest and
straightforward about it dealing with
their disappointment head-on because
that's really the adult thing to do and
that's what you do when you love
somebody the way we've all been handling
it myself included is manipulation lying
resentment withholding and that doesn't
serve anybody my life changed a couple
years ago when I discovered something
called the progress principle it is a
principle that was written about in the
Harvard Business Review it's based on a
tremendous amount of research done by a
professor over there and what she
determined is that people that feel
happy and successful and fulfilled by
their lives and work they all have one
thing in common
they feel as though they're making
progress on something that matters so I
read this little bit of research and I
started applying it to my life and what
I do is as stupid as it sounds it really
works I don't focus on balancing
everything I focus on just making sure
that I make progress on one thing a day
that's right you heard me one thing a
day that matters to me now if I can make
progress on one thing a day that matters
to me
then I can let go and let the rest of my
day get hijacked by kids by spouse by
phone calls by emails by social media by
all kinds of things that come up and
tend to hi
Jack your day when you're a busy person
when you have a family when you're
married when you got a lot going on and
so by focusing on one thing a day
I feel the sense of control in the sense
of progress that science tells us will
make you happy and make you feel more
confident and actually make you more
effective at getting things done it also
frees me up to be more present with my
kid
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