-Welcome back! -Thank you! Hi!
-I am thrilled to have you here. Congrats.
This -- Your year started
with this show being released on Netflix.
-It sure did.
-You had to do a lot of presser on the heels of New Year's.
Are you exhausted? -I'm a little bit tired,
but it's unrelated to the press, which is totally fine.
-Okay. -It is dog-related.
-It's dog-related. -It's dog-related.
He is the famous dad of Frisbee the dog.
-Yeah. -And some kids,
but, also, Frisbee. -Yeah.
-And I'm sure you guys have dogs.
So, the other night, I finished doing some talk shows,
early mornings, et cetera --
nothing anyone should feel bad for me about.
It's all -- I'm very lucky, et cetera.
So, I get in bed.
I'm like, "It's gonna be an early night.
This is so great.
I'm gonna take Moxie the dog out one last time."
10:00 -- I'm in bed.
About an hour and a half later, I hear [growling]
And I look at her,
and she's, like, this close to my face,
and her face says, "I'm about to have diarrhea."
[ Laughter ] -Oh, wow.
You know your dog well enough, or was it that obvious?
-She was breathing in my face in a way that was like,
"You have about 30 seconds..." -Wow.
"...to get your 'you know what' together,
or mine is going to get out of my body."
-[ Laughing ] Yeah. -So...
-I wish I could say this is a beautiful --
-Yeah, she's -- -For those --
just for, you know, frame of reference, there.
-Ordinarily, I would never... [ Audience awws ]
-Yeah. -Yeah, that's Moxie.
I would never out her as being something that poops, because...
-Yeah. And I'm assuming you wouldn't make out with her
on diarrhea night. -No, no.
I mean, almost. -[ Laughing ] Yeah.
-It was -- She was so close to me.
It's as if that's what she was trying to do, honestly.
-Yeah.
-So, we go downstairs. Retainer's out.
Clothes over my... -Yeah.
-You know, it's relevant. -Yeah.
-We're all, like, just pretending
we don't wear, like, a mouth guard.
[ Laughter ] -Yeah.
-So, yeah, I put clothes over the PJs,
'cause don't need to horrify everyone.
And the retainer's out, and I say hi.
We have a doorman. I said hi to him.
I take Moxie out. She does her business.
Um.
That was the beginning of a very, very long night.
-Oh, yeah. -I go back upstairs.
I dry off. I get other clothes off.
Retainer's back in, obviously. -[ Chuckles ]
-And get back in bed.
About an hour later... [growling]
She wakes me up again.
So, every hour on the hour, we went back downstairs.
By 4:00 a.m., I'm on my bed weeping...
-Yeah. -...uncontrollably.
[ Audience awws ] -I'm just so tired.
I was like, I'm being tortured by tiny chunks of sleep.
And then, at some point, she -- I was, like, delirious.
And she -- It's like 4:30 in the morning.
She's having diarrhea over a subway grate.
And I'm thinking, "What's below a subway grate?"
[ Light laughter ] -Yeah.
-Because, in my mind, they're in the middle of the tracks.
But I also thought there was, like, a 20% chance
I was gonna hear a muffled, like, "Hey!"
[ Laughter ] -Yeah.
-So, I made a mental note to check,
next time I'm in the subway, like,
what's directly under the subway grate.
-Yeah. Yeah. -But, yeah, so then --
I just have so much respect for people with actual babies
because this is what it's like.
You're up constantly. -Yeah.
-And I had -- your wife gives birth in lobbies.
-Yes, she does. -And, you know,
fights human trafficking. -Famously, yeah.
-Yeah, famously gives birth in lobbies,
you know, for general people, or just you guys.
-Yeah.
-Fights human trafficking, et cetera.
My dog had diarrhea for one night, and it nearly killed me.
-Yes. [ Laughter ]
I will let you know -- and this is good --
the biggest ass ache in my life right now
is still my dog. -Oh!
-So, even with children and everything --
-Well, 'cause I happen to know, Frisbee is so small that,
on a couple of occasions, Frisbee has been misplaced.
-Yes. Frisbee will misplace herself.
Frisbee will sometimes have diarrhea,
and she's so small that, like, noise you made, the...
[ Growling ] -Yeah.
-You don't hear that. Yeah. [ Laughter ]
You just, like, wake up, and you were like,
"You had diarrhea last night." [ Laughter ]
I want to ask, you do not -- you do not have a child,
but you -- -I don't have a child.
-You're pregnant in this season of "Lemony Snicket."
-I am, it was a -- yeah. -And --
-You have a wonderful prosthetic belly.
-It was a prosthetic. Well, let me explain this photo.
[ Laughter ] I mean, I don't know
if it requires an explanation, but...
So, it's prosthetic, meaning it's not real.
-Uh-huh. -And it is --
it's very skin-like, though, and it looks real.
People have thought I was really pregnant on set.
I was doing all these stunts. I was flying.
I was jumping into ice, jumping out of ice --
all kinds of stuff.
And everyone was like, "Ohh, what kind of 7-month-mom
is doing this stuff?" [ Laughter ]
Anyway, it was fake.
And people would bump into me and into it
and say, "Oh, my God, I'm sorry."
And I was like, "I can't feel it -- it's fine."
And they just would give me this look of,
like, "Why can't you feel your stomach?"
[ Laughter ]
But, anyway, because I can't feel it,
I constantly left my shirt up like that.
I don't know why. But so, this is just --
this is just me in my trailer going over my lines,
and my sister took this photo
because that's just -- that's, like, how I spent my time,
is just belly out, pants down, like, just...
[ Laughter ] ...living my life.
-The funny thing is, I think that's the dream
of most pregnant women, is to do that.
-Yes, Just let it out.
-And yet, you just were like, "I'm gonna do it."
-Well, here's a new idea -- tell people it's a prosthetic.
-Yeah. -You can get away with anything.
-Yeah, exactly, it's not real. -Yeah. Yeah.
-And then, they'll -- yeah, I think that's a good idea.
Did you ever think about wearing it on the subway to get a seat?
Did you ever? Be honest.
-I never did, 'cause it's very heavy.
-Yeah. -And I loved being able
to take it off at the end of the night.
And I was like -- my pregnant friends would give anything
to be able to take it off at the end of the night.
[ Laughter ] -Yeah, exactly.
That would be a huge -- That's the thing --
That's the app you should invent.
-That's -- That's horrifying. -[ Laughing ] How...
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