"We can judge our progress by the courage of our questions and our willingness to embrace what's true rather than what feels good." - Carl Sagan
w .. where am i ?!
t .. the last thing i remember is me praying and kneeling and then ..
No no no .. oh no ..
I died! am i dead ?!
And this is doomsday ?!
I was right !
I was right and all scientists were wrong !
So you're God ?!
You'll start making jokes or what ?! we've a big day. God is chilling with Jesus there.
Okay, ummm ..
.. I died while praying ..
I came to you here while i was praying ..
and you said everyone will be resurrected on what he was doing
Or what ?!
Who's your God ?
Oh, .. you man! .. the 3 questions, right ?!
Shame on you, you're supposed to know that those are so easy for me to answer
Yo son, answer quickly and don't argue a lot !
Allah, of course
What's your religion ?
Islam
Who's your prophet ?
Mohamed Peace be upon him
Cool, you can go to heaven now
Really ?!
Thank you god, thank you god ..
Come here, come here .. where are you going ?!
What again ?!
What's the "what again" ?! You really think it's that simple ?!
But .. didn't you ..
Isn't that what's suppose to happen ?
Suppose ?! are you telling me how to do my work or what ?!
No, i won't, but they told me ..
The second you come here they'll ask you a simple 3 questions ..
.. if you managed to answer them you'll go directly to heaven
Who's "they" ?
The people ..
The people ..
.. Sheikh Mohammed Hassan, Elshaarawy, the hadiths, those who died 1400 years ago .. the people!
And those people, u didn't think they might be lying ?
No, stop !
What's wrong ?!
I won't let u say that ! .. I won't let u say that ! .. please don't insult them .
Those people are better than me and you !
Better than who, man, this is doomsday!
I mean, we managed to create the universe, galaxies, black holes, parallel universe ..
All this .. so you can come answer 3 questions then go to heaven ?!
Are you stupid or what ?!
As if it was me who wasted the time creating all of this .. it was you who created it
Really ?! .. so why 3 questions ?! .. why not four ?! .. five ?!
Use you mind, where is it ?! .. think a little !
But i can't think of such thing. i mean ..
.. there're certain things which your mind and mine can't understand
The mind has limits
Wow .. not again ..
Not again what ?
It's just because i was talking to people before you and they said the same thing ..
Were you setting together memorizing it before coming here or what ?!
No, the thing is that it can close any topic immediately
Like, if someone asked you something and you don't know the answer ..
Or if he asked u something that needs a little bit of thinking ..
You can say " there're some things that your mind and mine can't understand "
And it can actually be convincing
Wow, you're smart ..
Thanks man
You know what ..
What ..
If it was in my hands i'd let u burn in hell ..
Why, man !
But fortunately, you destiny is in the hands of the most merciful guy you'll ever know ..
And he said very carefully, that before he let u burn and kick the shit out of you in hell ..
He has to make you see what u did ..
To believe that he didn't oppress you and he gave you what u deserve and more
Oh .. how merciful !
Yea, i mean we can be anything but unjust !
We can't let anyone say we treated him unfairly
Okay, so now i won't be questioned, right ?
Of course not, there's no such thing
Okay, so how will it goes ?
Look, all what we'll do is ..
And why can't i see the crowds ?
And where are those who run from fear ?
And why am i wearing clothes ? shouldn't i be naked ? You want me to take off my clothes ?
Hey, you ! Behave !
Then what should i do ?!
All what we'll do is ..
And where is that string ?! ( The bridge of Sirat )
String !
Yes, the string ..
What string ?
That string which is sharper than the sword and thinner than the hair ..
The one we'll walk on it like horses
Sting what and horses what! you think you're in a circus ?!
All what'll happen basically is everyone will be judged fairly ..
Everyone will take what he deserves .. yea, we won't be unfair to anybody
Okay, if so then u should let me in heaven i mean i came here while i was praying ..
I .. I don't know why u take this as a normal thing! notice that not everyone will be like that ..
Notice that this should allow me to have a lunch with the prophet!
Came here to what! and what lunch! and what prophet!
Our prophet, man! the one you sent the revelation to ..
We sent the revelation to him ?!
What revelation ?!
Yes ! you sent it !
Our prophet that came here riding a mule to change the number of prayers we'll pray everyday ..
And instead of 50 you made it 5
You forgot already ?!
I mean, i've never skipped any prayer, never ate in Ramadan and never stole anything ..
And ask it if you don't believe .. c'mon .. ask ..
Ask who ?
My hand ..
Your hand !
Shouldn't it talk and be a witness on whether i stole or not ?
Go, if you don't believe me .. c'mon ask it ..
mmm .. "he might actually be crazy"
- Hey, Gabriel .. - " What .. "
- I wanna ask u something .. - " Yea, what do u want ? "
- There's someone in here, the one standing in front of me ..
- I just wanted to know, can we just let him go to heaven directly without being judged ?
- " Why ?! did he do something that good ?! "
- No, not because he did something good, but maybe we can say he lost his mind ..
- " Whether he lost his mind or his penis, i don't care ..
.. judge him normally and see what he did good to deserve heaven .. "
- Okay, okay
He says he can't do it
What do u mean he can't do it !
Calm down! the process is simple, i don't know why you're making it so complicated
All what we'll do is you telling me what you did good in your life to deserve heaven ..
I mean we already know everything but frankly, God likes to see what he planned, actually happens ..
What ?!
No, haha, i'm just kidding. I mean, yes we do know everything ..
But just so you don't cry and say "forgive me" and "send me back and i'll be good" ..
.. "and i wish i were dust instead", and you know we still have a big day and work is hard today
Well, if it's like that, then there's nothing i did more than doing things that should let me in
Okay then, go ahead
For example, i said "There's no God but Allah"
C'mon, say something ..
I just said ! .. I said "There's no God but Allah"
I don't understand, what should i do ?!
"There's no God but Allah" .. this should let me in heaven .. it's a well known fact !
So, this's one of the most important things you did in your life that u think should let u in ?
Yes !
Shut up !
- Gabriel ..
- "Yea .." - Listen .. There's no god but Allah ..
- "I don't understand .. what do u want ?"
- You don't understand what! I just told you .. There's no God but Allah ..
- "Then what the fuck should i do, you piece of shit"
- Let me go to heaven ..
- Are you fucking crazy or what ?!
See ?
But you said that .. "Those who'll say - There's no God but Allah - will go to heaven"
"You" said that ?! .. have you heard us saying anything ?!
God came down to you and told you to just say it and he'll let you into heaven ?!
No, but ..
Then what ?!
But i've read a Hadith saying exactly that
And how the fuck did you know that it was us who wrote that ?!
Because it's a "Sahih Hadith"
What ?!
"Sahih Hadith" .. Narrated by "Al-bukhary & Muslim" .. Sahih ..
So because someone said it's "Sahih" then it's correct and will happen
Yea ..
Okay, look for something else before i do something bad ..
Look for something else .. so that i can let you in ..
Heaven, son ..
Means wine ..
.. Al-Hour Al-Eeen Virgins ..
.. Getting drunk ..
.. Boys, just in case ..
Oh, you! .. but isn't this haram ?!
No, here there's nothing called haram
Then what's up with all this "doomed people" and god's throne is shaken every time someone does it
and the story about you demolishing the village of "Loot people"
Have i done anything ?!
Well, then tell me
Have you seen me do anything ?!
But ..
It was god who did it
And even-though it's a normal thing that he himself created and put it in you ..
.. but we can't deny he has his own plans
But i feel you, you know .. i mean eventhough i live here but i can't deny i saw him doing some weird shit
There was this time he got really angry with you because you people weren't obeying him ..
So he drown all of you ! .. the whole freaking planet !
wow look at how powerful he is
Then I and Azrael came and told him to chill a little, we told him they're just people after all ..
.. and if you want you can just make them do good ..
.. cuz by drowning them you waste the opportunity even for just one of them to repents
He didn't listen
But like i said, he has his own plans in these matters
Now .. say something to make you go to heaven, something you did to deserve it
Okay ..
I was a muslim
Welcome
What do you mean by welcome ?! i said i was a muslim
Okay, what the hell should i do ?!
Do what ! aren't Muslims go to heaven ?!
You, why are u doing this to me ! hell with being Muslim ..
You were born to find yourself a Muslim .. just because your parents were born the same ..
Just because your grandparents were born to find themselves Muslims ..
I mean .. what's in this circle that you did to deserve being rewarded for, man ?! .. don't anger me !
Can't it even put me in a higher degree in heaven ?!
Da fuck !
Okay, am sorry ..
Okay, i once met that guy ..
I'm so sorry to say that but he was drawing a funny caricature of the prophet
And as u would expect i didn't go easy on him ..
I fucking killed him immediately !
See ? it's all just to earn your satisfaction nothing more ..
Oh, you will earn it ! .. you'll earn it ..
Man, we don't need scientists or freethinkers .. we hoped all people to be like you ..
I know
Well, fuck your mother then!
But why you're bringing my mom into this, sir!
You stupid, all what you say is a sign that you're a stupid, retard, fanatic and ignorant !
It's a sign that you don't actually deserve heaven !
Okay, okay
Go ahead
I memorized the whole Quran
Now tell me i just wasted 9 years of my life memorizing it !
Okay, how important is this in the universe ?!
I mean what did we gain from this ?!
Okay, what did YOU gain from this ?!
Okay, did this benefit the people around you ?!
Then, it's either you think that memorizing some words about torture and fucking on some Goatskin is ..
Goatskin !
Yea it was written on Goatskin .. you thought it was written in a 40 paper notebook or what ?!
So it's either you think that memorizing some words would make you better than all scientists ..
.. with their inventions which helped people for tens of thousands of years
Or you think that we're stupid enough to let you into heaven for memorizing some words !
No, i didn't say you're stupid
No, please, we are
Okay, i was saying the "Adhkaar" in the morning and eveni..
Oh, god, please !
"Not now, i'm busy"
What you're saying won't help yo..
But i spent 50 years saying the "Adhkaar" daily in the morning and evening ..
and i was always asking god's forgiveness and say "Glory be to Allah, Glory be to Allah ..
Glory be to Allah, Glory be to Allah Glory be to Allah, Glory be to Allah ..
Glory be to Allah,Glory be to Allah .. every now and then, and i always ..
"Glory be to Allah"! Do you even understand what this means ?
Tell me, what does it mean ?!
Glory be to Allah!
It means, Glory be to Allah!
Look how great he is !
Look how beautiful he is !
And you saw him ?!
Look how HUGE he is !
mmm, he sure is HUGE! ..
Okay, since you're convinced he is HUGE .. why don't u just believe it and put it in your heart ..
There's no reason for keep repeating it like that
- What do you mean there's no reason! listen .. - Go ahead ..
I was saying "Glory be to Allah" daily, and the Adhkar every morning and evening ..
.. and i used to read a page of the Quran every day and the page contains roughly 500 letters ..
.. and 500 letters means 500 "good deed" ..
.. and you said whoever comes with a good deed will have ten times the like, it's not my talk
And other times you said one thousand times the like ..
One thousand !
But we'll count it as ten just for you okay okay okay ..
Means about 5000 "good deed" every day
That's beside the prayers and other deeds, so say 10,000 "Good deed"
10,000 "Good deed" a day means in a month or a year more than millions ..
By the time i died i should've had mountains of "Good deeds"
Where are my mountains ?!
Where are my mountains of "Good deeds" ?!
Oh, sure, i'll send them now to get your mountains
But because i just don't understand .. tell me, what does "good deed" look like ?!
"Good deed"!
Yea, yea, so what does it look like ?! describe it for me ..
I mean how did u know what's like to say that if you put one on another they'll form a mountain ?!
I mean, how did u measure it ..
Is it like a grain of rice, or a taro maybe .. or even like a goose's head ?! .. describe it ..
- Doesn't it mean a good thing u did ? - Yea ..
Then it's something incorporeal ..
Yes ..
Then how did you turn an incorporeal thing into a material one ?!
Please just tell me one thing you did good to deserve heaven
Oh, i just remembered !
I was calling people to guidance
which people ?!
The people ..
The people .. everyone ..
And because you're calling them to guidance means you think you're better than them, right ?!
Am i not a Muslim ?! .. means that ..
We're the best people on earth "According to Muhammad"
Aren't you the people who were famous for drinking camel's urine, killing people, stoning girls ..
And famous for your suicide attacks, fanaticism and terrorism ?!
Best people !
Then what about the people who conquered Mars ?!
Or those who discovered the medicine for all diseases ?!
Or those who traveled to other galaxies ?!
Other Galaxies !
Of course ! you thought life stopped when u died or what ?!
Earth managed to survive for more than 7 billion years ..
And then came people who conquered other planets, galaxies, discovered other universes and ..
But they weren't Muslims !
- Yo, Gabriel .. - "Yeah" ..
- Listen to this .. - Kay ..
- That person i was talking to you about a few minutes ago ..
- "The one in front of you, what about him?"
- He says what he did important in his life was that he was born Muslim ..
- And he used to read Quran every day ..
- And was saying the "Adhkar" in the morning and evening ..
- "Why would he say it ?!"
- How the hell would i know, you ask him .. - "So, you mean he was saying nonsense"..
- Yea .. and he said we should've been saving his mountains of "good deeds" for him ..
- Are you hiding them or something ?!
- "Why the hell would i do that" - I was just asking .. do you think god hid them ?!
- "Forget about that, did he use his mind to know the right from wrong?"
- No, he didn't know what's right and wrong by his mind, he never really used his mind ..
- "Then how did he know ..?"
- He knew it by some book he inherited from his ancestors thousands of years before he was born ..
- "You think a scientist wrote it?"
- What scientist ?! no, i think he was some goatherd or something like that ..
- " A goatherd or a shepherd i don't care, what's important is, have he questioned what's written inside ?"
- No, he never questioned whether what's inside makes sense or not
God said "do not ask about things which, if they are shown to you, will distress you"
- What Humble! he think he's better than all people just because he was born with some religion ..
- "Better than the scientists!" - Yeah, he think he's better than Richard Feynman ..
- "Really!" .. - Yea, and Darwin, and Einstein..
- "Who else" .. - Even Carl Sagan, and ..
- "Carl Sagan who?" - Carl Sagan .. "The Pale Blue Dot" ?!
- "Yea, yea, yea .."
- I freaking adore that video, man .. i watched it couple of days ago with the lord ..
- He liked it and laughed, and then he said ..
- "Imagine if i focused a little bit more and didn't make their universe in just 6 days"
- "Haha, have you met Carl or not yet ?"
- No, no, not yet .. do you wanna come and watch while judging him ?!
- "Yea, yea, i'll come .."
- And get Israfil with you, he did finish blowing the horn, right ?
- "Yes, he did.." - Good, then he must be free..
- Now .. let's focus on what's here .. Can we let him in heaven ?
- "No, we can't, we're not playing here .. he must earn it"
- We can't, right ?
What, what , what ?!
- There's no convincing reasons ..
What do you mean by "there's no convincing reasons" ?!!
- Ask yourself ..
Okay, you tell him he used to grow his beard ..
- What ?! .. he says he used to grow his beard ..
Tell him he was entering the W.C with his left leg .. and eats with his right hand ..
- What the hell are you saying ?!
Just please tell him
- Okay, he says he used to enter the W.C with his left leg and eats with his right hand ..
- "He still won't get in"
Okay tell him that he used to look for the Jewish Facebook Pages to insult them ..
- He used to look for the Jewish Facebook Pages to insult them ..
And the Christians ..
- And the Christians
And the Shia ..
- And the Shia
And the Buddhists ..
- And the Buddhists
And the Atheists ..
- And the Atheists
- "Fuck both of you, i'll come there myself and put both of you in hell!.."
Okay please just tell him that used to have the Quran with him all the time ..
- He says he used to have the Quran with him all the time
- "Have it or leave it i don't care, tell him to stick it in his ass!"
- He's telling you to stick it in your ..
Then what the hell should i have done ?! and why i don't even exist ?!
I don't even know why i exist !
Am sorry, man ..
Don't forget to say hi to the one who came to us riding a mule, okay ?
huh, "Going to the sky riding a mule" you think it's a fucking stable!
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