(singing The Walking Dead theme)
- [Dashiell] Rick fondly remembers that walk with Carl
when he didn't teach him not to trip over shit in the woods.
Ricky G. looks in the mirror
and sees someone he doesn't recognize.
A guy taking care of his child, spooky.
Then Dr. Babybottle, with a PhD in being an orphan,
retells the story about the time Carl got bit.
And it somehow gets less believable every single time.
Morgan continues his reign
as the undefeated heavyweight champion of being crazy
by almost killing New Carl for no reason.
It's fine, he just needs a little time to cool off.
If anyone needs him, he'll be over there,
supporting a spin-off series.
This shirt, labeled "Rick" for target practice
has me beginning to think that perhaps The Saviors
have too much time, and also t-shirts on their hands.
They also, apparently, have too much blue hair dye.
The Lord is my shepard, he helps me tuck and roll.
Butt-hole vision is back, you guys.
Now with extra wide butt hole.
Uh, what the fuck is up with everyone's purple arm bands?
Are they to remember Carl?
They're stupid, so I guess that makes sense.
Rick shows Negan he means business by blindly turning around
and pointing a loaded rifle directly at his people.
Things are not looking so good
for Ricky G. and the Funky Bunch,
when, surprise, The Savior's guns prematurely explode
in their hands.
Super embarrassing, they swear this kind
of thing never happens, and they'll be ready
to murder again in like 12 minutes.
Tara and Face Pubes are about to get their shit killed,
when out of nowhere come all the single ladies
to save the day.
Hell hath no fury like a women scorned
who has knowledge of home made explosives.
For a guy right about to kill Rick,
Negan sure does a lot of shit talking.
I think he needs to do less talking, and more shit.
Rick makes a last ditch effort
to just have 10 seconds to remember Carl.
It's working.
Now kiss.
Whoa, Rick, that is not how you kiss.
Love that Rick sends the doc in to save Negan
after he just installed a zipper in his throat.
And Maggie is sobbing for two.
(in Rick's voice) Everybody, listen up.
Negan's way is done-zo, adios moo-fos.
No more arbitrary tyrannical rule from a crazy white dude.
And if you can't see yourself to find peace with
this here decree, I'll kill your ass dead with my balls.
That's on everything.
Ricky G. out.
(normal voice) Rosita thanks Eugene for saving the day,
while simultaneously accepting his humble apology
for puking all over her,
by socking him directly in his grill.
Morgan continues his dramatic
and well thought-out character development
by taking off some BMX armor
and announcing he's gonna walk to Texas.
Daryl punishes Dwight for his many sins
by commanding him to go reconnect with his ex wife.
Clean-Shirt Morgan tells Jadis she can live with Rick,
then leaves her with some parting wisdom.
He's learned that everything in life is about people,
and these people have literally made him crazy.
So he's gonna go find some new ones, deuces.
And so help me God, if that helicopter is involved,
I'm going to be super pissed off.
Maggie's suddenly conspiring to apparently kill Rick
makes no sense, but adding Jesus,
who has been preaching non-violence for a minute now,
makes even more no sense.
Then throwing Daryl in the mix, seemingly just for fun
to emerge from the shadows to pledge his allegiance
to kill his Day One homie, makes the most no sense.
Fuck all of this.
F minus.
Rick shows Negan some hospital bed mercy.
He's going to keep him alive, rotting in a cage,
watching everybody sing kumbaya
and making friendship bracelets.
Wait, that sounds a lot worse than death.
If it's between death and front row seats
to the kumbaya show, I'll take death 12 times out of 10.
Tune in next season.
Will face pubes and Maggie start dating?
Someone's going to need to raise that kid
when it's born Season 37.
Will Dwight reconnect with his ex wife?
If she shows up, she's going to need
to wear a Dwight's Ex Wife name tag
if she expects me to recognize her.
How will Maggie and Daryl kill Rick?
They won't.
Ever.
Because the show just set something up
that will never pay off.
Because it makes zero sense.
It's just an attempt to feel dramatic, like a cliffhanger.
But it's not a cliffhanger, or dramatic,
it's just bad.
Very bad.
F minus.
None of this and more, next time on The Walking Dead.
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