REL #1LBH01 "Pilot" Closed captioned
(sighs) Look, I can't believe this, man.
Who would've ever thought my wife
would have an affair with my barber?
I mean, come on, man, not my mailman,
not my garbageman, but my hair confidant.
Look, this is what happened-- like six weeks ago, right,
I was sitting in a chair getting my hair cut,
and she walked in and-and they made this eye contact.
And I can't really describe it, you know,
but, you know, I tried to turn my head to see it,
but he was holding it, he's pretty strong.
So, look, I confronted her, right?
And I was right.
They're not together, but we split.
Yeah, she took the kids to Cleveland
to stay by some family.
(sighs) Now, look, I could fight for custody, you know.
But that's such a difficult thing to do.
I've seen friends do it,
and they treated their kids like furniture.
Which she also took, by the way.
(sighs)
Man, I won't lie, man, it's just,
it's hard coming home to an empty house
with nobody to greet you, you know.
And now my Wi-Fi not working.
Which is why I called your customer service number.
You know, ever since the separation, man, you know,
me and the kids FaceTime every day.
(sighs) You know what's crazy?
Nowadays, there's no reason to be a deadbeat dad.
If you don't want to see your kids now,
you just don't want to see your damn kids.
Okay, hold on.
Got you, brother.
That back in there.
Oh-ho-ho.
That worked. (chuckles)
And, yes, I will take your customer service
satisfaction survey.
♪ This how we do it in the Chi ♪
♪ On the West Side ♪
♪ Where we always keep it tippin' ♪
♪ Man, that ain't no lie ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh. ♪
Hey, what's up, little people? Look at y'all.
(chuckles) Getting all big and stuff.
Look, I know it's only been six days, but you look big to me.
-(knock on door) -It's open.
Now, look, I've been up all night and all day
building furniture for you guys
when you come visit here next time.
I mean, it's so much furniture put together--
tables, chairs, everything. (laughs)
Oh, oh, your godmother's here. Say-say hi to the kids.
-Hey, babies. Furniture looks great. -(laughing)
Told you.
Look, here, man, I love y'all
and I will talk to y'all later, okay?
A'ight. Bye.
-(chuckles) -Bro.
Now, I was expecting this to be sad, but damn.
This looks like a place where they bag heroin.
(sighs)
Brittany, you're supposed to be my best friend, okay?
-Cut me some slack, all right? -(scoffs)
Why don't you show me some love and compassion?
Listen, people who love you got to tell you the truth.
And the truth is, it smells in here.
No, it don't smell in here.
It's just the Oodles of Noodles.
Rel, it is 9:00 in the morning. Give the day a chance.
I am. That's why I started with Oodles of Noodles.
I feel great.
You can't possibly feel great.
You're the most sensitive person I know.
You cried at the end of Back to the Future.
Look, I thought Doc Brown was dead, okay?
And look, look, I know things look rough right now,
but, you know, shibbity dobos,
I mean, my future looking bright, you know what I mean?
Look, I'm-a go to church, right?
I'm-a come back here, I'm-a build this furniture up
and, you know, maybe I'll start dating again.
You know, get me a new soul mate.
A new soul mate?
That's a Disney Princess-ass goal.
Just slow it down. Take it in.
Just slow it down. Slow it down.
No, no, no, I'm not slowing nothing down, okay?
Let me tell you a story.
For the first 30 years of my life, I would not eat pastrami
'cause the name "pastrami" gave me the creeps.
Yes, but then one day I tried it by accident
and I end up loving it.
(sighs) And I could never get back
those 30 pastrami-less years.
Look, if pastrami has taught me one thing, okay,
it's to get out there and try.
Okay, you know pastrami is not a philosopher, right?
It's just meat.
Look, okay, if you really feel like you're ready
to get back out there again, I mean, I could probably
hook you up with my girl Monica.
Yeah, I'm-a give you that, you know. (laughs)
-Your girl Monica? (chuckles) -Yeah.
No, I'm good.
What's wrong with Monica?
Monica...
I mean, she wears loose boots.
Loose boots?
Yes, yes, loose boots.
Her boot is too wide for her little-ass ankle. It just...
Feet be sliding back and forth in the boot.
Stuff be falling all in it and everything.
And, look, as a nurse, I really think it's unsafe
for her to wear that boot.
Are you saying you won't date an awesome woman
because of her boot circumference?
Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.
Oh, my God.
Yo, big bro.
Nat, your brother's insane.
He refuses to go out with my girl Monica.
Wait, Loose Boots Monica?
Hell no.
(laughs)
Listen, I ain't gonna let my friend be judged
by a guy who just got out of jail for selling crack.
I'm tired of people calling me a crack dealer.
It was Ecstasy.
I'm a changed man. Look, I stopped selling.
I even joined Oprah's Book Club.
A'ight, let me holla at you, okay?
When we get to the church,
you cannot tell Dad about the barber.
I'm your little brother, man.
Why would I tell Dad anything?
Look at me.
You know I got you.
Rel, you know I said I got you? I don't got you.
I told Dad yesterday.
Your wife and your barber?
-Look, Dad... -Oh, don't "Look, Dad" me.
All that money I spent on you for glasses as a child,
you didn't see this coming?
You might as well be blind, Rel.
Hey, hey, hey, shh, shh. Keep it down, Dad.
I don't want everybody in my business like that.
You think I want everybody to know?
You think I'm gonna go out and tell the world
that I raised a son with no ding-a-ling?
It's a dark, dark day, Rel.
You should be feeling all kinds of stuff:
pain that-that your family is gone and your life is ruined,
anger at your barber and your shortcoming as a man--
now, go on, this ain't about you--
and most of all, shame--
deep, dark, horrible shame, man.
This is worse than the day I found out
that Nat was a crack dealer.
-It was Ecstasy... -Same thing!
Look, hey, I'm sorry, Nat. I'm sorry.
I'm sor-- that was cold. I'm sorry.
All right? Ecstasy is different.
Rel, look, you gave me two beautiful grandchildren,
so, look, man, obviously,
you're working with something down there.
You know, I'm just...
Look, ever since your mother passed away,
I just, I just have a lot of anger in me, man.
I just, I just took it out on you guys and I'm sorry.
Look, I don't care if you deal crack to everybody in Chicago
and your wives sleep with everybody.
I want you to know I love you. You know that, right?
Yeah, we know.
-We love you, too, Dad. -All right.
And love, love is understanding.
That's why I want you to understand why I got to sit
far, far away from y'all today.
I got friends in there. I can't walk in there like this.
See you inside.
Uh-uh, don't follow me. Give me five seconds.
(organ music playing)
Understand that God has a blueprint for all of our lives,
but the end of the day, to only make that blueprint happen,
you got to have faith.
Man, you got to have faith.
(sighs) Now, listen, look, look.
You may be embarrassed, right?
And-and your life may be in shambles, right?
And-and you, you may feel alone
because your-your wife left you and took the kids,
and now you're sitting there eating Oodles of Noodles
all by yourself.
And all that sodium is in your body.
-He's not talking about me, right? -Oh, no. No.
And your brother out here telling everybody
all your business.
The man just got out of jail. Probably a snitch.
And your daddy, he is not even talking to you.
He's not talking because he's embarrassed.
He don't even want to sit near you.
He don't even want to see your face.
That hurts!
All I'm saying is...
Brother Rel, look here, man. We're praying for you, brother.
We know what you got going on. Look, everything I just said.
I know y'all was trying to figure out
who I was talking about.
It's Brother Rel. It's him.
It's all his life.
But we love you anyway.
And that's why we gonna envelop him.
Everybody stand up, put your hands towards him.
Right now.
Envelop him. Man, envelop him right now.
(indistinct chatter)
-Rel.... -Ah.
Hey, guys, you have to pay.
Ain't nobody paying until the swelling
in your hand go down, Carl Winslow.
Fat hand-having ass.
Jimmy Dean sausage hand-having ass.
Breakfast hand-having ass.
What the hell wrong with you?
I'm just playing with this fool. Give me some.
The truth. I'm the truth.
Who done left their grown-ass baby on the bus?
(laughter)
Ex-Excuse me? Look-look, I don't know
if you know me, but I'm a tax-paying citizen.
Man, nobody want to hear all that.
You gonna get your Martin Luther King "I Had a Dream"
suit-wearing ass-- boy, your casket show up.
You're dead. Okay, boy? Who at your funeral? Nobody.
-Stupid-ass boy... -Hey, hey, chill, chill. Okay?
My brother's going through a tough time right now.
Relax.
Hmm. You do look kind of familiar, man.
I can't believe we've been up here
grilling you this whole time.
Ain't you the guy whose wife slept with his barber?
(laughter)
Oh! Lord have mercy...
You ain't gonna never gonna get your hair cut again, man.
It's looking rough for you, boy. It's looking rough.
Look, hey. All right?
There's nothing wrong with the way I look, okay?
And... right now I'm in between barbers.
(laughter)
Your wife is, too.
(laughs)
What are you doing?
I'm sorry, man, he funny as hell. (laughs)
Hey, hey. Look at his shoes.
Look, I got to turn this thing around, okay?
This is how people's reputations get destroyed.
I refuse to end up like Roach Girl.
Relax. You are not gonna end up like Roach Girl.
Wait, who's Roach Girl?
-You want me to... okay. -Yeah, you got this.
So, Roach Girl is this girl
me and Brittany went to school with. Okay?
One day a roach crawled out her book bag, right?
Now, look, ain't nobody judging her,
'cause we all had roaches.
But our roaches knew better than to come out our book bags.
(laughs)
But the crazy thing is, too, like,
she's a successful civil rights attorney, right?
But the neighborhood still call her Roach Girl.
And look, I seen her last month.
She tried to give me one of those business cards.
She reached in her purse, and I was like, "Oh, nah."
"I don't want that roach card."
And she understood.
This is what you should do:
hook up with someone the barber's seeing.
That way, everyone will know about it, and then boom.
Got your reputation back.
Well, you blew your chance at that, mister,
because you know who the barber really likes
and has been pursuing for months?
My girl Loose Boots Monica.
-(laughs) -What? Loose-- don't call her that.
Should be just Monica, 'cause she's a sweetheart.
Talking about her boots like that.
No, you should hook us up.
You know, the whole loose boot thing I was talking
about earlier, I was just joking. (laughs)
No, you wasn't. You told me people with loose boots are full
of disease and shouldn't be allowed in restaurants.
(scoffs)
Look-look, Brittany, look, I can bring Monica here, right?
They got a steppers' night here.
I'll have her here, we'll have a great time.
I'm telling you, I wouldn't even be using her.
Of course you are.
But that's what human interaction is, Rel.
You know what I'm saying? Everybody uses everybody.
That's how we get by. Check this out.
A child uses a mother for food and shelter, right?
And the mother uses the child for love and fulfillment.
Now, we use people so people feel of use.
You see what I'm saying?
Man, they need to have you start speaking at college graduations
-or something, man. -(laughs)
Straight up. (laughs)
Man, I am so proud of you.
You went to jail kind of slow, but you came out really wise.
I guess the system does work, man, look at you.
Now, look, now, you heard that.
Using people could be used for good, you know?
So how about it? Hook your boy up.
(sighs) No.
-Nat. -Hey. Jaymo.
-What up, boy? -(laughs) Boy.
Wait a minute, hey, man, you invited him?
-Yeah, he cool as hell. -Hey, man,
I'm sorry about what happened earlier.
I just ran into Roach Girl,
and she said your wife took your kids, too? Damn.
So you just all alone? Nobody to talk to?
Nobody to come save you if you start choking?
You know, if I was you, I would've killed myself
three days ago.
Anyhoo, I need a drink.
(crying): You heard that man. Please.
(music playing)
(music stops)
(whoops)
I am having so much fun.
You are a really good stepper.
-You damn right I am. -(both laugh)
Rel, I love those Jordans.
Oh, thanks, uh, well, I like your, um...
(music playing)
(chuckles) I like your glasses.
-Oh! -You are truly a blind dime.
A blind dime?
You don't know what a blind dime is?
Come here. A blind dime is a beautiful woman with glasses.
Oh. Well, you a blind dime yourself.
Girl, you better stop playing with me.
-(both laugh) -Calling me cute and stuff.
-Go to that dance floor. -Oh.
Your fine self. Look at you.
(laughs)
What you want to drink?
You know who that is, right?
That's Frank the barber's girl.
She's with me and she likes me.
Tell everybody.
Okay.
But what you want to drink?
Check you later.
-Hey, you. -(laughs): Ah...
Hey, y'all know who that is, right?
That's Frank the barber girl, and she's with me.
Tell your family.
Is that Frank the barber's girl?
You damn straight it is.
Ooh, you wild as hell, Rel.
And you know it. Ah, ah, ah.
(laughs)
Did he just say you're here with Frank the barber's girl?
No, I didn't hear anything like that. (chuckles)
All right, we got a shout-out for my man, Rel.
He's with Frank the barber's girl.
-(crowd cheering) -I see you, playboy.
And to celebrate the momentous occasion,
a special love mix for the new couple.
-(romantic music plays) -Rel, come here.
I am not Frank the barber's girl.
We just went out a couple of times. Why do you care?
Okay, funny story, right?
So Frank had sex with my wife, right, so...
Mm, you just trying to have revenge sex with me
to get back at your barber?
Okay, you figured that out quick.
Look, it-it doesn't have to be revenge sex, right?
It could be, um,
"two people with glasses who like each other" sex.
You think that I'm just gonna let you use me?
First of all, I am a strong, independent,
successful black woman, and I'm not gonna let any man--
I don't care who you are-- disrespect me.
And I'm gonna tell you this:
if you ever disrespect me again, I'm gonna call my cousin
and have him shoot up your daddy's house.
All right, we got another shout-out to my man, Rel.
He just blew it with Frank the barber's girl.
But it's all good, y'all,
'cause we got drink specials. Come on, let's party.
(cheering)
You told a DJ to shout out
that you were with Frank the barber's girl?
And then asked her
to have some weird glasses revenge sex,
-or whatever the hell that is. -B-But...
Okay, I didn't say anything about her boots,
and believe me, they was loose as hell.
Rel, listen, everyone knows about the barber,
and whatever respect you had left is gone. You know why?
Because you chose to handle this like a child.
You're right, all right? I...
Yo, if I'm gonna clear my name in the streets,
I'm gonna have to deal with Frank directly.
That's what I'm talking about, big bro.
Prison yard rules.
Somebody disrespect you, walk up to 'em,
stare at 'em just like this,
put your hand on their shoulder, and shank 'em.
What?
Boy, get your ass over here.
You can't just go around shanking people in regular life.
It ain't even about that.
Look, the way we were raised, you're not gonna let another man
disrespect you and not say nothing.
And he did the ultimate disrespect, bro. (scoffs)
You know something-- somewhere I got to be.
Bro, you don't have anything to prove to anybody.
You do realize that you just
might've got your brother killed, right?
Yeah, that's-that's just starting to set in now.
Hey, yo, Frank.
Oh, what up, Rel?
I was wondering when you was coming back to get a cut.
I didn't come here to get no cut.
I came here to kick your ass.
Why?
What you mean why? You slept with my wife.
Damn. So you know about that.
Man, everybody knows about it.
Hey, bro, that was my wife, okay?
I lost my family, and it's all your fault.
Come on, man. So now you're saying it was all my fault?
Yes, it was all of your fault.
So you putting this all on me?
Brother, are you deaf?
Okay, yes. Who else would I put it on?
You.
Me?
Look, Rel, you trying to tell me that you was this great husband?
Shannon said that you never even listened to her.
-You never even asked her about her dreams... -Okay, loo-loo-loo-look.
You don't know nothing about us, okay?
-Okay, you don't know nothing about our marriage. -Oh, I don't?
One time, you missed her birthday dinner
because you got arrested for a fight with a Uber driver
'cause he wouldn't let you play your music.
Okay, then why'd he have an auxiliary cord,
you know what I mean?
Look, man, I know your wife physically just left,
but emotionally she'd been gone for years.
Okay, look, bruh, I know what you're doing, okay?
Okay, you trying to flip the script on me,
but you don't know anything, okay?
We fell in love. We had kids.
We got a house together. We were good.
Come on, man. She said she couldn't even remember
the last time you two laughed together.
She said the bond that you used to have was gone.
How could you have not seen?
Maybe I did! Okay?
Maybe I didn't want to believe it was over.
Look, man, I know I wasn't...
wasn't a perfect husband...
and I wasn't always there when she needed me to be.
Just thought she'd always be there no matter what.
But I took advantage of that and...
(sighs) honestly, I got what I deserve.
You know, I've slept with a lot of guys' wives.
But you, brother,
you are, by far, the most mature about it.
You know that's no consolation at all, Frank, right?
Rel, I'm proud of you, son. I love you.
You know, when your mother first passed away,
I was kind of lonely in that house by myself,
and you're gonna have moments
where you just call out to somebody
and there's nobody there.
I just want you to know,
that never goes away.
Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I was trying to say
something inspirational, but, you know, it went where it went.
-But you're gonna be fine. -BRITTANY: I got to go.
-Where you going? -The hospital.
Look, I hate to admit this,
but you're gonna find out about it anyway.
I got a text that Monica tripped in her loose boots
and broke her ankle.
(laughter)
-Bye. Bye. -(whooping)
I say, boys, don't date no girls with loose boots.
That's a tragedy waiting to happen.
"Oh, God!"
(phone buzzing)
(chuckles)
Little people calling.
Hey, what's up?
Hey, look, I can't wait till y'all to get here.
I just finished your rooms up, and they look amazing.
Now, look, both of your rooms are Black Panther themed.
You know, there was a sale on Black Panther stuff.
You know they made a billion dollars, right?
Also on the prayer list, we got Sister Monica Lewis,
who's one of our new members.
Apparently, uh, this is very disturbing,
but she suffered an accident while walking
in her loose boots. Amen.
And she shattered-- not just broke, shattered--
both of her ankles.
Lord Jesus, what we gonna do?
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