♪ Zack Morris is trash ♪
(school bell rings)
- [Narrator] It's Bayside's annual homecoming
against Valley.
Zack hates to say anything bad about his team,
but they're losers who suck.
Zack continues his hallway disparagement campaign.
- You got anything there for your star quarterback?
- Life insurance.
- [Narrator] Causing Jessie to question
how they're going to move these tiger tails.
Zack says just attach them to hats
and sell two things nobody's buying at once
to make twice as much no money.
- A stroke of marketing genius.
- [Narrator] Meanwhile, Kelly, goddess on earth,
wants to win homecoming queen, it's a lock.
Screech proudly shows Zack his first zit,
he named it Murray.
Zack condescendingly informs Screech
he takes no interest in his joy.
When the teacher checks on their lab progress,
Zack, who has done nothing but aimlessly attempt
to use a microscope with goggles on,
tells Screech to hurry up with the science crap.
Screech, unassisted by Zack,
and under pressure of his demands,
hastily prepares a volatile mixture that erupts in his face.
Zack's vying for Kelly's attention,
and pouting like a blonde baby because he's not getting it,
when her homecoming competition walks through the door.
Zack, mistaking the back of his shirt
for a sound proof barrier, ogles them aloud,
then tries to undo the damage done to his character
by comparing those human beings to dog food.
- Next to you, they're Puppy Chow.
- [Narrator] Screech has bad news.
Murray's gone after two hours.
Zack asks if Screech did anything unusual to his face today.
Screech reminds Zack of the most recent explosion
caused by his carelessness.
That's all Zack needs to hear to proclaim.
- We might've stumbled upon the invention of the century.
- [Narrator] Zack assumes instant co-ownership of a product
he had no hand in making,
then hatches a plan to target insecure teens globally
and make a fortune selling overpriced face sauce.
But Zack's rollout requires a second human guinea pig.
Zack slathers up Bayside's pimple king, Crater Face Coburn,
then tries to shirk their agreed upon $10 payment
with a counterfeit note,
but generously compromises with a real 10 ripped in half.
Kelly is stressed about her huge pimple.
The gals promise nobody will notice.
Zack sends Screech to bark at Kelly
about fixing her unsightly blemish.
Zack's running one of his signature
staircase snake oil salesman schemes,
complete with custom hat, poster and briefcase
he had time to make last night
because he does no academic work.
Then Zack unveils the student formerly known as Crater Face,
who has been jammed in a locker all morning
just to get the second half of a $10 bill.
Zack is open for business.
- All major credit cards accepted.
- [Narrator] Belding interrupts Zack's latest plot
to fleece students on school property.
Belding is furious, but can't deny Crater Face's results.
Zack says it's a tragedy so many kids must suffer
without his egregiously-priced emollient.
So, he offers to install campus-wide vending machines
to ease their pain,
and maybe cut the school in on those juicy profits,
adding AP Bribery and Racketeering to his electives.
Belding tells Zack it's over,
and he'll see him in detention.
Kelly heard Zack got pinched,
but inquires if he has any leftover cream to ensure her win.
Zack's hoarding surplus contraband
where he should be storing books.
- Oh Zack, you're a life saver, can I have one?
I'll pay any price you ask.
- [Narrator] Zack's eyes light up at the chance to exchange
his crapshoot concoction for a desperation handy,
and commits Kelly to a verbal contract of sextortion.
Screech has bad news.
That mystery goo from yesterday,
that they did zero testing on, then sold to everyone?
It has some teeny-tiny side effects,
one being it's a poison that chemically burns your skin,
turning it maroon.
Possibly forever, who knows, certainly not Zack.
Zack scolds Screech for this predicament
that is wholly a result
of Zack's passion for greed and incompetence,
then hides him in a tiger costume,
causing Screech to miss all of his classes,
so he won't alert Zack's many victims
to the imminent consequences
of his inadvertent chemical warfare.
Kelly says the cream worked great
and wants to thank Zack with a Kelly Hug,
undeserving son-of-a-bitch,
plus a movie date this weekend.
- Yeah, that'd be great.
Any place that's dark.
- [Narrator] Words every young lady dreams to hear.
Zack's planning to flee the country to escape repercussions
for his whoopsie-daisy mass disfiguration
when Screech reveals his face is normal again.
The burn only lasts a day.
But homecoming is tomorrow.
Zack confesses to Kelly like man.
- The Zit-Off removes pimples,
then it turns your face maroon,
but it's only temporary and a day later,
it goes away, and you're fine.
I knew you'd take it well, see ya.
- [Narrator] A man who is a coward.
Then berates her for putting the face cream on her face.
- Boy, that was stupid.
- [Narrator] Then continues to chastise her for
being foolish enough to ever use his toxic lotion potion.
And so what if she's slightly less hot tomorrow?
She'll still be a seven to most guys, or a solid Morris 5.3.
Kelly tells Zack to leave her alone forever.
Clear words Zack ignores at once to see
if they're still on for that cinematic HJ this weekend.
Kelly still wins homecoming queen, because she is a goddess,
and her horrific abrasions conveniently matched
the school's team color.
And since most of the student body
was affected by the outbreak,
Kelly's marred mug became the face of the people.
And Zack talked the other students
into painting their faces maroon
under the phony pretense of school spirit
to avoid further punishment,
causing Bayside to finally win
because Valley was distracted they were playing against
diseased patients or burn victims
or, best case scenario,
teenagers who just love racist theatrical makeup.
And we never see Crater Face ever again,
because when his acne came back worse than before,
he probably fucking killed himself.
Let's review: Zack Morris' negligent lab behavior
caused a chemical explosion
that he spun into a predatory plan to get rich,
literally overnight, after zero clinical trials.
Then bartered his untested and banned wares
for sexual favors from a girl
who only felt insecure about her guaranteed victory
because of his multiple comments.
And when the miracle cream he peddled
turned out to cause potentially irreparable skin damage,
he concealed the truth, wasting valuable time
that could have been spent trying to find a cure,
to devise an international escape.
Then turned an opportunity to confess
into a platform to victim shame,
and didn't learn anything from any of it.
Zack Morris is trash.
♪ Zack Morris is trash ♪
(school bell rings)
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