-You guys, I hope you're all enjoying New York City.
Today, it was 45 degrees and slightly breezy,
or as the President calls that,
[As Trump] "a national crisis." [ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] That's right, Trump spoke last night
about the border, and in his speech,
Trump criticized Democrats, insulted immigrants,
and said we need a wall.
By the end, anyone playing a Trump drinking game
was like, "Call an ambulance. Uh...
You're my best friend. I hate you."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Most people said that Trump didn't say anything new.
He just repeated what he's been saying for years.
In other words, Trump's speech was like
every phone call with your dad. [ Laughter ]
"Lock your car door twice, and..."
Well, I don't know if you watched the speech,
but the very first thing Trump said sounded a little Italian?
Listen to this.
-My fellow Americans, tonight, I am a-speaking to you.
[ Laughter ]
-Can -- Can we hear that again?
-Tonight, I'm a-speaking to you.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-[As Trump] I want-a build-a the wall.
[ Laughter ] And Mexico will pay the money.
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's-a right. It's-a me -- a-Trumpio.
[ Normal voice ] Even Anthony Scaramucci was like,
[ As Scaramucci ] "Can you believe this freakin' guy?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Normal voice ] A lot of people noticed how close the camera was
to Trump during his speech.
To put it in perspective, here's
how Oval Office speeches normally look.
And now here's Trump's.
[ Laughter ]
They had to crop out all the resignation letters
on Trump's desk, I guess is what it is.
[ Applause ]
But I read that Trump's staff was very happy with the speech
and thought he was calm and controlled.
Then, Melania was like,
[ As Melania ] "I crushed up 20 Benadryls
and put them in his food." [ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
[ Normal voice ] I saw that during the speech,
protesters outside the White House
held up a giant sign that said "fake crisis."
Check this out. Is it -- Yeah.
Of course, Trump was looking at that sign
from the opposite side, so he was like, "Sisirc ekaf?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Adele dazeem?"
[ Laughter ]
Well, after Trump spoke,
Democratic leaders Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer
delivered a response.
And a lot of people are talking about how creepy they looked
standing next to each other. [ Laughter ]
Check it out right there. Look at that.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, my gosh.
They look like extras from the movie "Get Out."
Uh, they... [ Laughter ]
[ Applause ] They look...
They look like two defendants on "The People's Court."
That's how your parents look when you try to tell them
about the benefits of CBD oil.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Chuckling ] Look at Chuck Schumer.
He looks like he's wearing a Chuck Schumer mask.
[ Laughter ] Some more news --
In a tweet today, Trump talked about forest fires.
But he spelled the word "forest" wrong twice.
Take a look at this. Yeah. [ Laughter ]
[ Audience groans ]
I guess you can add spellcheck
to the list of things that are shut down.
It's like... [As Trump ] Oh...
[ Laughter and applause ] "Forest?"
I spelled "fires" right. [ Light laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] You guys see this?
All week, the Internet has been going nuts
over this app called Twinning, where you upload a photo,
and it shows you your celebrity twin.
Okay, yeah. So, for example,
if I load this selfie from my Instagram,
I get an 83% match with myself.
[ Laughter ]
-83%? -83%.
-That's pretty good. -83%, it looks like me.
-Yeah. [ Light laughter ]
-It's a weird picture of me, too.
I don't even remember -- When did I have a beard?
I have no idea what's going on. -Yeah.
-Well, everyone's been using it, even some political figures.
I'll show you what I mean here. First up is Mike Pence.
The app says that his twin was Eminem.
[ Laughter and applause ] -Wow.
-Cool. -Yeah.
-Next up, there's Senator Elizabeth Warren.
The app said her twin was Barb from "Stranger Things."
[ Laughter ] I miss Barb!
-Wow. -Where's Barb?! I miss Barb!
She should have her own spin-off.
Here's White House Chief of Staff, Mick Mulvaney.
His twin was Scooter from the Muppets.
[ Laughter and applause ] -Oh!
-Up next, there's Eric Trump.
His twin was the bad guy from "Aquaman."
[ Laughter and applause ]
And finally, we have President Trump.
His twin was a yam. Oh, interesting.
[ Laughter and applause ]
You guys hear this?
Amazon founder, Jeff Bezos and his wife are splitting up.
[ Audience groans ] But on the bright side,
he has a lot of extra boxes to pack his things up.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And finally, I heard that Denver could become
the first city in America to decriminalize magic mushrooms.
They're the first ones to realize
that the only way Americans will eat vegetables
is if they're also drugs. [ Laughter ]
We have a great show tonight! Give it up for the Roots!
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