"Hello!? Are you okay?!" she asked as I laid there in a puddle of my own sweat. I opened
my eyes and asked, "What happened?" She said she didn't know but asked if she should
call the hospital. I nodded. She then asked if I was able to move... so I lifted my arms
an inch before they slammed back down on the table, "Yes, but I have no energy." The thought
of what this could all mean started to frighten me. I said, "I don't want to die." She
didn't hear me because of the commotion in the cafe and because there was a bit of a
language barrier because I live here in Vietnam. The medics arrived quickly with a stretcher.
They checked my blood pressure, glucose level, and heart rate - all seemed normal, which
worried me even more. I then got lifted out of there like Maximus at the end of Gladiator.
Let's fast forward a few days and I'm sitting across from the neurologist. I had spent those
days in bed with a numb tongue and an aching back pondering the worst case scenarios…
epilepsy, cancer, heart disease, Parkinson's? I didn't understand how someone so young and
healthy can go through such an ordeal unless there was a deep underlying medical issue.
The neurologist asked me to recall the events that led to the seizure…
"It was a typical day. I had just finished my coffee and cocaine… kidding, coffee and
cake. As I was getting ready to leave I felt my heart flutter. This has been happening
on and off for the past several months. I decided to do a google search into what might
be causing this. The prognosis varied from nothing to imminent death. I'm an optimist
so I told myself it's probably nothing, but then I started to feel dizzy then nauseous.
I told myself, "Don't throw up.", "Don't throw up". I leaned back in my seat to take a deep
breath. I then saw flashes of lights and images and then every thing went black. I awoke in
a puddle of sweat." He recommended an E.E.G. (tests epilepsy). I took the test and sat
back down with the doctor. He said the results came back… normal. Thank god. He asked me
if I've ever lost consciousness before? I said 3 times. Once when I was robbed and knocked
unconscious with a pipe. And twice before that while giving blood. He said that I likely
fainted and then explained if one is out for too long one will go into a seizure, which
was the difference between this time and the other times I fainted. I wanted to kiss the
doctor because it was the first time in days where I didn't think I was dying. With any
major life event, I think it could be helpful to reflect upon the lessons learned so that
the event would not have passed in vain. These were costly lessons for me because I don't
have health insurance, but I give them to you free of cost and without the associated
back pain… My first lesson is that we should prepare to die. One of my regrets while lying
motionless on the stretcher was that I still had so much more I wanted to accomplish. At
this point in my life I feel like I'm in debt. I'm in debt to my friends, family, and society.
I want to pay back that debt with interest before I die because "For whom much is given
much is required." And if finances permit, I'd like to be frozen so that my last words
can be something badass like, "I'll be back!" Non-Conscious Being. The loss of consciousness
is an interesting concept to ponder. Isn't it our "consciousness" that makes us human?
I ponder if losing consciousness is similar to death? Flashes of light and images. Everything
goes black. Time no longer exists. I re-awake without knowing whether seconds or hours passed.
In that brief interval "I" no longer existed. My experience was similar to a guy who was
actually pronounced dead: "Asked about what he felt the moment he died, the Reddit interviewee
revealed that it was like as if someone had flipped the on/off switch… everything around
him went to black." Obviously I wasn't dead, but it doesn't seem farfetched for my experience
to be similar to it. The abyss wasn't painful, but with that said, my first impulse upon
reawakening was to say, "I don't want to die." Hey God, it's me… Anthony. I am an agnostic
who would like to think there's a god, especially during low moments. I find the lower we go
the higher we look for strength and support. As I went into the MRI machine I was asking
god for my brain to be okay and I promised I'll try harder to not to take his creations
for-granted. Thoughts are more powerful than you thought. I read that some people are able
to make themselves faint. I feel like now that I've experienced it so many times I can
probably do so too {call me Hollywood} by tunneling my thoughts on a stressor, which
makes me ponder if we have the power to lose consciousness then maybe we have the power
to maximize it? Embrace the black. Upon returning from the abyss I've had a greater appreciation
for the beauty and richness of life. We are all so inundated with notifications, advertisements,
emergencies that corrode the enjoyment of simple pleasures. Meditation seems the closest
thing to nothing. Imagine meditating for a full day in a dark room. The next day you
step outside you'll have a greater appreciation for the light. When we start to feel like
we're losing appreciation for simple pleasures then consider going into a metaphorical or
actual hole. With these lessons I hope we can appreciate the light a little more for
as long as we got it.
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