-So obviously, when you have a late night show,
you have a lot of expenses to pay for the show.
In order to pay for those expenses,
you have sponsors on your show.
And in order to cover the cost of the show,
I will admit that we have taken on --
We've had to take on some pretty terrible sponsors,
ones that we're not proud of,
sponsors that I'm ashamed that we took money from.
But because we did, I now have to mention them on the air.
So I would like to apologize in advance --
"Late Night" tonight is brought you to by Nike Air Gates.
[ Laughter ] The only basketball shoes
worn by the one, the only Microsoft founder Bill Gates --
a man who has played basketball twice in his life,
once by accident. [ Laughter ]
Nike Air Gates. The only shoes that are NSFB --
not safe for basketball.
We're also brought to you tonight by Chimpathy Cards.
The sympathy cards for those who have recently lost a chimp.
[ Laughter ]
Finally, Hallmark has given us a classy way to say,
"Sorry your monkey died.
Looks like heaven just got a little more bananas."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
We're also sponsored by Lego Socks --
The only socks made of Legos.
So you can finally step on Legos on purpose.
[ Laughter ]
Good socks -- good socks are the building block of every outfit.
So why not step up yours with self-assembled Lego Socks.
Lego Socks -- put on socks that make you say
"Ah! [Bleep] me!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
Move over Off!
Now there's On! bug spray.
[ Laughter ]
The new bug spray that makes the bugs come to you.
Miss the days of a good barbecue surrounded by bugs?
You don't have to anymore.
On! bug spray. It bites.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
The rest of someone else's La Croix.
[ Laughter ]
No one has ever finished an entire La Croix until now.
Each of these already-opened cans of La Croix
has three sips left, no bubbles, and they're all yours.
The rest of someone else's La Croix.
It takes a la-village to drink a La Croix.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
50 more.
[ Laughter ]
Next up is Lil' Chef's Foie Gras Kitchen Set.
Perfect for the kid who loves to cook,
this set teaches kids how to make
a beloved French delicacy
that involves force-feeding corn to a duck.
[ Audience ohhs ]
Comes complete with a feeding tube
and one duck that will not enjoy it.
[ Audience groans ]
[ Scattered laughter ]
The duck is very sad, like the audience!
[ Laughter ]
Electric braces --
The only braces with a built-in USB charger.
Electric braces -- Open your mouth and say,
"Ahhh! That's where I left my charger."
Next up it's Communion O's.
[ Laughter ]
Finally, cereal that gives you all the healing power
of the body of Christ in a delicious flavor-packed bowl.
Serve with milk or consecrated wine.
And I'm really sorry, but I do have to sing this.
Communion O's --
♪ They're magically religious! ♪
[ Laughter, cheers, and applause ]
From the makers of truck nuts, it's Truck Butz.
[ Laughter ]
Turn your work truck into a twerk truck...
[ Laughter ]
...with Truck Butz.
We're also brought to you tonight by Family Pork-Traits.
Portraits of your family made completely of pork.
These delicious memories will last you hours.
Family Pork-Traits -- eat your family's faces.
[ Laughter ]
Cargo Thongs.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Are you familiar with Jell-O shots?
[ Audience boos ]
Now there is Jell-O Shoots -- guns made of Jell-O.
Yes, we all have reasons to dislike guns.
And, yes, we all have reasons to dislike Jell-O.
But when you put them together, you have Jell-O Shoots.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a Jell-O gun
is a good guy with an appetite.
[ Laughter ]
And then they use the Jell-O gun to kill that duck.
[ Audience groaning ]
[ Laughter ]
It's such a bummer when you guys start booing Jell-O Shots
and it's that long.
[ Laughter ]
Like, oh,
you guys got off board already?
[ Laughter ]
It's an intercontinental train!
[ Laughter ]
Gonna win you back.
[ Laughter ]
Ketchup Pockets.
Bear with me.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Bear with me.
Do you love Ketchup Packets,
but hate all the waste they come with?
Try Ketchup Pockets,
the only ketchup that comes preloaded in your pocket.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Mmm! [ Chuckles ]
Thanks Ketchup Pockets!
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's it for our bad sponsors. Here are some of our good ones.


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